Exploration & Observation

My subby nerdy two cents …

Some of what happens to us is pretty basic biology, like a drop in glucose levels and mild dehydration – which is why easy to digest/absorb snacks and water/electrolytes are standard aftercare suggestions.

Some of what happens to us is the biochemistry of survival, aka fight-or-flight responses. Here I’m thinking specifically of the adrenaline and stress hormones that flood us during and bounce hard after. These are the reasons for the standard suggestions of warmth, soft lights, quiet and slow. Adrenaline needs time to work it’s way out and we need time to return to normal after the adrenaline crashes. Cuddling can go two ways here. Some are so over stimulated that it actually interferes with that return to their baseline. Others drink it up as a soothing elixer. There is no one right answer on cuddling immediately after.

Now to the more complicated chemistry – the neurobiology, e.g. brain chemistry. Words are hella powerful on brains – that’s why talk therapy works! We can literally use fMRI to see the changes in the brain from talk therapy. Bruises never last, but hurtful words can echo for a lifetime. But, in a BDSM context the words are a tool used by the Dominant to create specific reactions in a sub. Really no different than any physical tool (sensation tools, pain tools, blindfold, etc.).

Neurotransmitters such as dopamine and norepinephrine levels combined with oxytocin (human bonding hormone) really light up our brains. And the sudden drop off in those levels can create a whole realm of “drop” experiences. Besides just the immediate crash, the body/brain can take days to reestablish its normal baseline. There’s often a lot of bouncing around of these levels before “normal” is reestablished.

@anon , here’s the so called “weird” part. Our bodies/brains are pretty much one trick ponies thanks to efficiency and evolution. So in your long dark past (trauma), you experienced these same biological and brain chemical responses in a no doubt eerily similar fashion. Kinda like if you walk into a room that smells like the house you grew up in, all kinds a “weird” feeling memories start flowing. So let me reassure you that you are normal and not broken.

Here’s some things to consider trying to address the neurobiology/brain chemistry part …

Comfort foods are called that for a reason. They tend to have a serotonin response. Serotonin is the neurotransmitter most antidepressants try to target. It’s also the reason that the after Thanksgiving Turkey fat and happy feeling is common. Turkey is high in L-tryptophan, the building block of serotonin. So try some comfort foods in the next 24 hours after a scene.

During the scene, we can often reach a depletion state of dopamine. Raw, dark chocolate is a good option to help get some dopamine boost. The building blocks of dopamin are L-tyrosine. Try finding things that increase that in your diet. I actually use Jarrows Formula N-acytel Tyrosine supplements after an intense scene for at least 72 hours. I start almost immediately after with a split dose of 2 and then 2 more 4 hours later. Next morning 3, then 2, then 1. The idea being to make it easy for my body and brain to have available those building blocks.

The simplest thing any Dominant can do, and a sub can include in their own self talk, is to literally say outloud (repetitively) “It’s all over.” “You are safe.” Add in specifics as to time, date and location – “It’s a really warm Thursday afternoon. I’m so glad we’re decided to stay in your apartment for the day.” Brains are funny critters. Sometimes they need to be concretely connected to the present when awash in chemicals.

USUAL WARNINGS HERE…

Rule out any under lying conditions by seeing a kink aware professional. Do not play random games with supplements just because they’re “natural.” Dominants must be prepared to be available and monitor if you incorporate trying the supplements that effect neurotransmitters. If you are re-experiencing trauma or having intrusive thoughts, a kink aware mental health professional is advisable.

Notice I never touched on endorphins? Guess what…. not all scenes induce enough pain (some never do) to trigger the endorphin response. But make no mistake. Endorphins only add to the complicated chemistry and the drop/rebound afterwards. In fact, it really increases the need for the D-type to be really tuned in over the next days.

I know my two cents are not hot, sexy answers. Nor are they poetic, romantic ones. They are in fact down right boring, nerdy, science stuff.

But that’s the way of it. All this reality stuff is usually rooted in boring science.

Take my two cents for what it’s worth to you, or leave it.

thigh kissing is nice, ass grabbing, thigh gripping, a little passionate teasing takes you far and honestly gets her wetter by the minute 

slow down, take your time at first, dont just dive in, enjoy your meal

that rapid flicking thing doesnt do much for me (i cant speak for every girl) but slow runs across the clit are lovely, just focus on the clit, let your fingers do some work if you get tired or something 

1. Stop the fucking flicking shit.

2. Focus on the CLIT. Suck it, circle it. Engulf it. If she moans, keep doing that.

3. But pls, do visit thighland. Inner thigh licking and kissing will set us on fire.

4. What is this fingering shit? Massage the gspot or get out. We feel nothing with that little stabbing motion. Also, stop sticking your 2 inches of tongue in there. Come back up to the clit.

5. LONG stokes with the tongue.

6. Stop humming. Most of us use vibrators so that little humming trick you learned from GQ will pale in comparison.

7. Speaking of vibes, the reason you’re in our bed is because you can do 1 thing our wands and rabbits can’t do. And that’s grab us. Grab us, squeeze us, we want to feel your hands on our body.

8. If you can reach, grab a titty.

9. Some women are self conscious about how they look/taste/smell down there. Or worry about taking too long to orgasm, so let her know you’re enjoying it. Moan, groan, sound like you’re eating a plate of ribs

Rule #2: Don’t do it like they do it in porn!!!

Rule #3: That stupid tongue-way-out and flicking triple time? They do that in porn.

Rule #4: They do that in porn because if they were licking pussy the right way you’d see a) two thighs and b) the back of a head.  In porn they want to see a) pussy and b) as little of the man as possible.

Rule #5: Don’t do it like they do it in porn.

Rule #6: Your tongue is not a cock.  Sometimes people in porn use their tongues like a cock.  But see rules #1-5.  Also the second and third sentences of this rule!

Rule #7: Watch how she touches herself.  (What, you’ve watched how she touches herself, right? If not watch how pretty much _every_ woman touches herself when she’s legit getting off and not just doing what women do in porn.

Rule #8: Lick her where she touches herself.  Because those are the good spots.

Rule #9: Notice how much she’s fingering inside herself when she touches herself?  Yeah, me either usually.

Rule #10: If she does touch herself inside, notice how deep her fingers go?  Gene Simmon’s tongue isn’t that long, or that strong.  See Rule #6.

Rule #11: See her hipbones?  See the insides of her thighs almost up by her knees?  Unless she’s ticklish (in which case maybe spend more time kissing face to face and letting her get really warmed up, because…

Side Rule #A: Ticklish almost always means not-horny-enough.

Rule #12: Back to Rule #11: Find time to kiss her everywhere between her hipbones and the insides of her thighs almost up to her knees.  Then start kissing her kitty.

Rule #13: When she’s really wound up she’s very likely to be sensitive everywhere detailed in Rule #11.

Rule #14: Long, soft strokes with the flat of your tongue.  From the bottom of her kitty along side her outer lips to the top.  Then on the other side.

Rule #15: Which they rarely do in porn.  So do that.

Rule #16: gently part her lips with your own lips and tongue and softly slip between her inner lips, tasting her as you go because she’s going to taste pretty good.

Rule #17: Maybe slurp one of her inner lips between yours, one side at a time, fairly close to the top near her clit, and swirl your tongue on the inside – while gently tugging down just a little bit because that tugs down on her clit a little bit.

Rule #18: Generally speaking don’t slide your tongue all the way under her hood because the tip of her clit is sensitive as hell and the top of your tongue is usually pretty rough.

Rule #19: You know how you watched the way she touches herself?  Take a minute to think about that again.  Bonus points of you remember which side of her clit she favors because almost everyone is more sensitive on one side than the other.

Side Rule #B: For some reason the average woman’s clit is more sensitive on the left side.

Side Rule #C: But goddamn it the woman you are going down on is anything but average!  So  your  her mileage may vary!

Rule #20: Open your mouth over her clit hood – about as wide as you comfortably can (though watch those teeth) – and then apply gentle suction.

Rule #21: Wetly swirl your tongue alongside the hood of her clit, up past the little fold that hides the tip.

Rule #22: Occasionally slide your tongue back and forth across the top of her clit hood.

Rule #23: If she’s really aroused you’ll start to feel a little “stem” growing underneath her hood.  That’s good.  Very, very good.

Rule #24: This is a very good time to think carefully about what you’re going to do next.  Because when you feel that little stem (her clit’s erect) then you might be able to back off a little bit.  And go on a little kissing and licking tour from #12, above.  Which might help her keep sailing and also help her from …

Rule #25: If you keep doing the same thing change it up a little, because she can go numb.  This will frustrate her at least as much as it will you.  

Rule #25: If you feel her little stem under her clit hood rise, and if she grabs your head or (especially) if she squeaks “don’t stop” in a tiny little entirely non-porn way (because Rules all-of-the-above if she’s really getting off she’s not likely to sound much like anyone in porn) then…

Rule #26: DON’T STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOING!  Because she’s going to come if you don’t stop.  And want to grit her teeth, cry, or possibly kill you if you do.

Rule #27: When she’s done coming (she’ll let you know by releasing pressure on your head with her hands and/or possibly her thighs) go back to #11 and give her soft, gentle kisses there.  Because her inner lips and clit will almost certainly be pretty sensitive.

Rule #28: Climb up along side her and hold and kiss her.  (If you’re not sure she’ll like her flavor – many women do but quite a few don’t at all – then subtly wipe your face on the sheets on your way up.

Rule #29: I didn’t say anything about fucking her afterwards, did I?  No I didn not.  Sometimes she’ll want to after.  Sometimes she won’t.  Just like sometimes you’re up for it after she’s gone down on you and blown your socks across the room and other times you couldn’t get it up again for lifeboat room on the Titanic!  If not that’s ok.  You can jack off later, just like she rubs one out when you’ve capsized after coming.  But!

Rule #30: She’ll remember.  And rock your fucking socks next time.  Because most guys won’t go down on her at all, and the ones that do think porn is an instruction manual.  And so she won’t forget you pulling that thorn out of her paw, and she’ll be a lioness next time.  Which might not be that long because many (but not all!) women recover and are ready for a nice round two before all that long at all.

Rule #31: Rule #32, below, is the most important rule of all.

In other words don’t be a robot.  She’s not a robot either.  Interact, make eye contact, respond to her like she’s very likely responding to you!  

You do not have to do The Thing. You don’t. Maybe no one told you that. Maybe you were told quite the opposite: All submissives do it, it’s just part of being submissive.

That’s simply not true.

You do not have to do The Thing. You don’t. Someone can want it, desire it, even expect it in their relationships. But there is choice. And just as they have the choice to expect, you have the choice to deny. They may want it, desire it, expect it. But they cannot demand it from someone who says No, I do not want that.

You do not have to do The Thing. You don’t. Despite the blustering that often rings loudly in these halls, it is not required. It may be a requirement for them, but it is not a requirement for everyone, I assure you. And refusing it does not banish you to the Submissive Hall of Brats and Inadequates.

You do not have to do The Thing. You don’t. But know that for some, asking for it is a huge step, and the flavor of your refusal can soothe - or sting. If broached gently, respond in kind. If asked from a place of caring, respond with care.

You do not have to do The Thing. You don’t. Maybe at some point down the road you will change your mind and The Thing won’t seem so bad, or scary, or distasteful. Maybe you’ll start thinking about it in a new light. Maybe you’ll want to dip in a toe just to… see.

(And maybe you won’t.)

You do not have to do The Thing. You don’t. You might be scared or confused. You might feel your inexperience is clouding a commonality, something Everyone Does. You might feel you’ll lose them if you say no, that no one will want you unless…

You do not have to do The Thing. You don’t. There are so many people and so many ways to connect. Sometimes we match up in glorious, beautiful, thrilling ways. Sometimes we don’t. But you will find your match. You will.

You do not have to do The Thing. You don’t.

I hope you know that.

- even if all their exes did the thing

- even if you’ve done the thing before

- even if you’d do the thing for someone else

- even if the thing turns you on

- even if you said you’d do the thing

- even if you want the thing

“Come here. I’m going to spank you for missing your meds.”

My first thought was ‘That’s not fair. I spend so much time today doing what you told me to do…’ but I follow him into the bedroom. Before we get there I’ve realized that my thought process makes no sense. Being punished for breaking one rule isn’t an attempt to make me feel like I suck or that the things I’ve done well weren’t done well. He’s not telling me I’ve failed or I’m bad in general. This is just one rule, and I did break it. It is fair. And frankly, this has somehow become my most frequently broken rule. I’ve broken it more in the last six months to a year than I did in the first couple of years combined, I think. It was just an accident. I had no idea I had missed it until much later. I don’t know why I’ve fallen out of the good habits I had formed so long ago though. Too much change in life throwing off my routines, I guess. Still not a good reason to get sloppy about something so important. 

I tried to take my punishment well. I cried a lot. More from an overflow of emotions than the pain. @cynicaldom usually leaves me over his lap until I stop crying, which he did this time. I crawled into his lap upright and he held me. “I’ll add your meds to the app. You’ve forgotten a couple of times. We can’t do that.”  I nodded. I sat in his lap just being held for a while. I started crying again which is odd for me. After a minute he gently asked me why I was crying. At first I said I just felt emotional because that’s all I was aware of at first. We talked about how my period was about to begin, which might be part of my more intense reaction. “And I’m just…tired” I said, meaning that I generally have felt drained. He nodded in understanding. 

“When I proposed the theory of relativity, very few understood me, and what I will reveal now to transmit to mankind will also collide with the misunderstanding and prejudice in the world.

I ask you to guard the letters as long as necessary, years, decades, until society is advanced enough to accept what I will explain below.

There is an extremely powerful force that, so far, science has not found a formal explanation to. It is a force that includes and governs all others, and is even behind any phenomenon operating in the universe and has not yet been identified by us. This universal force is LOVE.

When scientists looked for a unified theory of the universe they forgot the most powerful unseen force. Love is Light, that enlightens those who give and receive it. Love is gravity, because it makes some people feel attracted to others. Love is power, because it multiplies the best we have, and allows humanity not to be extinguished in their blind selfishness. Love unfolds and reveals. For love we live and die. Love is God and God is Love.

This force explains everything and gives meaning to life. This is the variable that we have ignored for too long, maybe because we are afraid of love because it is the only energy in the universe that man has not learned to drive at will.

To give visibility to love, I made a simple substitution in my most famous equation. If instead of E = mc2, we accept that the energy to heal the world can be obtained through love multiplied by the speed of light squared, we arrive at the conclusion that love is the most powerful force there is, because it has no limits.

After the failure of humanity in the use and control of the other forces of the universe that have turned against us, it is urgent that we nourish ourselves with another kind of energy…

If we want our species to survive, if we are to find meaning in life, if we want to save the world and every sentient being that inhabits it, love is the one and only answer.

Perhaps we are not yet ready to make a bomb of love, a device powerful enough to entirely destroy the hate, selfishness and greed that devastate the planet.

However, each individual carries within them a small but powerful generator of love whose energy is waiting to be released.

When we learn to give and receive this universal energy, dear Lieserl, we will have affirmed that love conquers all, is able to transcend everything and anything, because love is the quintessence of life.

I deeply regret not having been able to express what is in my heart, which has quietly beaten for you all my life. Maybe it’s too late to apologize, but as time is relative, I need to tell you that I love you and thanks to you I have reached the ultimate answer! ”.

Your father,

yesterday was a smaller journey inside of my (our?) overall larger one. a seminal side quest, if you’re as much of a dork as i am. or we both are.

we spent a lot of time talking throughout the day, as we always organically do. if there’s ever been a feedback loop that feels this good, it’s not something i’ve experienced before. it feels warm from the moment i wake up, until we end the day together at night. every night, at the bedtime he chose for me, unless he allows for exceptions otherwise.

yesterday we did different things. we watched things we both love, we gamed. we laughed, which is a constant given. and then (organically, again) i confided to him the details of a violation of consent, and other traumatic things, that occurred in a previous relationship. i have held this back from him for quite a while, until it felt right to talk to him about. i have told him that there would be something hard that i’d eventually tell him about, because he’s My Person™️. and he never once pressed me toward it. yesterday, it just felt like the right time.

i could tell it was difficult for him to hear about. that’s one of the reasons it took me a while to discuss with him. but, what happened after is that he asked me questions, he asked me things that would better our own dynamic, and keep me safe in it. he made an effort to understand specifics and to mutually feel out possible, consented-to situations that would never bring me close to touching or reliving the experience i told him about. 

he made an effort to understand me.  after what i confided in him, that’s the first thing he did, that’s where he chose to go.

it was getting close to bedtime shortly thereafter and, this is semi-common with us, but i tend to get a surge of closeness and energy and wanting to keep talking to him forever, when that time approaches. the minutes always seems to rocket by, when we spend time together.

“just one more hour, baby?”   

that kind of thing. 

it’s one of the times the Middle in me comes out, that urgent adrenaline rush of not wanting to miss anything. : )

and i think that last night, i felt closer to him in a different way, given what i’d shared with him and the open, honest discussion that resulted. the choices he made on where to go as the conversation evolved, and how good, and safe, it felt to follow him in it.

so i had that feeling again, as the clock ticked closer to when it would be time for goodnight. i felt a pang of sadness, a small spot of hope that he would give me extra time to stay up, and to come down.

but he didn’t. i felt some disappointment, nothing noteworthy, just a bit of a let-down. i didn’t express this too much, if i did at all. i did my before-bedtime things, and my last training session of the night, and i got into bed, messaging him to report that i’d done the aforementioned.

and as i drifted off to sleep, i realized that despite my little disappointment pang, he did exactly what i needed him to. gifted him the power to do. 

he didn’t relent. it’s in his general nature as a dominant not to, and he stuck to the rule. he knows what structure does for me, and i know how important it is to him that i obey it.

i let him lead. and i’m glad that he didn’t give in.

and the reason for that above all, i think, is that he knows it’s what’s best for me.

This is the foundation upon which everything else is built; that trust, wisdom, and leadership. The discernment to know what truly is needed.

Here are three types of rules for Caregivers who are struggling to develop lists for their new little:

1. Rules That Establish Dominance:

These are the fun rules, and the ones that reinforce who is boss. Asking for permission to cum and letting Daddy pick out your panties each day are good examples.

2. Rules That Guide Health:

These help with physical and mental health. Eating breakfast each day, a required walk, journal writing, and required self play (good for burning calories and raising endorphins) are good examples.

3. Rules That Help With Goals:

These help make her that very best version of herself that she wants to be. Keeping her room tidy, working toward healthy eating habits, putting away money in the bank each week, and required time for studying are good examples.

**Rules may overlap into multiple areas. Required self play can help with mental health, weight loss, stress relief, sleeping habits, as well as establishing dominance. Looking at other’s rules can help you come up with your own, but by and large, rules should be tailored to serve specific littles and their unique needs. Happy rule making. 

Last night the tears surfaced almost the first time his hand connected with my face. I felt my lip trembling, and I felt myself shrinking. He slapped me again. And again. And again. He kept my eyes locked on his. Again and again and again. Within a few minutes, I was sobbing uncontrollably. Emotion pouring forth at a rate I couldn’t even process. I felt raw and open. No boundaries keeping him from what he owned. But for a bit, I also felt stupid and weak. Pathetic. 

Those negative feelings dissipated after, as he held me and kissed me and told me how well I’d done. But the experience made me realize that I’m in the fragile place. I’ve been here before. When I first start to have strong feelings for a partner, it gets harder to take things in a scene—pain and humiliation, mostly. And I cry at the drop of a hat. It’s part of an overall pattern for me that looks a little like this (bear with my nerdy ass for a second):

When I first start out with someone and don’t have much of an emotional attachment, they can pretty much do whatever they want, and I won’t cry. You want to slap my face? Cool. You want to spit on me? Hell yeah. Drag me around by my hair and call me a whore? I’m down. I can take a lot and remain fairly emotionally stable. At this early stage, what we do doesn’t touch me because it’s not about me. It’s fun. Role playing almost. I’m bottoming, but I’m not giving myself on any deep level.

Then comes the fragile place. This is when I have strong feelings for someone but the relationship isn’t yet on solid ground. It’s still new and hasn’t reached the point of being new normal. But at this point, my submission starts to become real and deep. My drive to please my partner is very intense, but my confidence in doing so is still on rocky ground. And all of this while falling in love, because the two go hand in hand for me. It’s walking a tightrope with no net. It leaves me feeling raw. Vulnerable. Exposed.

But in the fragile place, it’s not just about crying during a scene; it’s an overall heightened state of emotions. Higher highs and, at times, lower lows. In the fragile place, I agonize over a task because I’m worried I’ll disappoint my Dominant. And if I feel unable to complete it to my extraordinarily (and sometimes unrealistically) high standards, that will send me spiraling. I worry about telling my partner when I’m struggling with something or when I have an unmet need because I want so badly to accept their choices and submit accordingly. 

And in the fragile place, I cry. A lot. I cry because my emotions are right on the surface at all times. I cry because every action touches the very core of me. I cry because I worry my submission won’t match the gift I’m being given in my partner’s dominance. I cry because I’m grateful to have found a person who sees me and accepts me and wants more of me.  

As the relationship deepens, those insecurities subside. I see my partner choose me every day, and I begin to trust their love and my ability to serve them as they need. I can take more and give more, and I can focus on the joy in doing so. But I have to go through the fragile place to get there. 

I don’t need him to be gentle with me right now. I need to see how his heart soars when he turns me into a bawling mess of tears and snot. I have to feel his arms around me in that moment—to know that he is with me, that he needs me like this, that he is proud of me. I need to struggle with a task that I am wayyyyyy too in my head about, only to hear him say that I cannot fail him as long as I try my best. Because these moments are how I know I can let go, with his reassurance and presence to guide me. 

THE CARE AND FEEDING OF YOUR NEWLY HATCHED DOMINANT

This topic/post is taken from a PM.

The sub is looking for ways to help her guy get his Dom on in more than just the bedroom and reinforce his first steps into D/s.

In this case, he’s already agreed to provide structure for her two stated goals of getting to bed on time and kicking her fitness routine into gear.

My two cents: Positive reinforcement is the first job of any sub with a newbie Dom. Tell him how much relief you feel with him providing the rules and accountability for, in this case, bedtime and fitness routine. Keep thanking him, and keep telling him how much better your life is with an enforced bedtime and finally getting serious about fitness. A sub growing, finding peace, and relief is catnip to a Dom!

Next up, broadening his Domly horizons. Ask him if he would be willing to choose outfits for dates because you really love looking exactly as he likes, and that it would be a great relief if you could just not have to worry about choosing the outfit. Now he’s not going to suddenly turn into a fashionista, so go easy. Start by asking him to rank his favorites of what you wear. Have a closet fashion show if you need to. The point is for him to decide. Keeping it simple with sending or showing him two or three choices and asking him to decide because you just can’t. I don’t care if he picks a funeral dress, you give him that great big smile and a thank you. It’s about him deciding, not the dress.

Keep asking for him to help with decisions and with holding you accountable. Moving up to bigger stuff, ask him to help create a schedule for you. Always make sure to give feedback and thank yous.

Eventually, you’ll need to address the next big step – consequences to enforce the accountability, aka punishments. Now, you don’t need to ask for punishment. But you do need to express your need for a negative consequence. You can give an example of the good old “swear jar” where you put a dollar in everytime an F-Bomb drops.

Now a word about spankings. If you have bedroom D/s that includes spankings, and you want more, but outside of sex, breaking rules isn’t a smart way to get them from any Dom, but it’s a really fucked up thing to do a new Dom learning the ropes.

Punishment has two main purposes. One, a negative consequence to get your behavior back on track. Two, to restore balance in the dynamic. Broken rules without accountability are like an acid bath slowly eating away at the Power Exchange. Punishment restores the balance. And, BONUS!, you’ve paid the debt to the dynamic in full, so you can receive forgiveness and move on TOGETHER.

These are just a few simple things to start you off. But, even if your D-type is a kinesthetic learner (hands on versus a book worm), education and communication about the nature of D/s is necessary. If yours isn’t a bookworm, try reading to your fledgling Dominant. Share what you’re reading, learning here on Tumblr. Read @instructor144 asks, include @the-faculty too. Read from a wide variety of dynamics.

CAUTION: You cannot make someone a Dominant. You can help an emerging one find his or her way, but they aren’t made – they’re born.

This is really hard to write about.

I didn’t break a rule. I didn’t willfully misbehave. I wasn’t inappropriate or bad. But I failed as a sub.

I’m Daddy’s sub and little. That means that he owns me. And that means that my number one job in serving him is to make sure that his property (me) is happy, healthy, well-maintained and well taken care of.

Last night I did not do that.

Daddy and I had a great night. He took me out for hotdogs at my favorite place and then he took me to the Disney Store and Build-A-Bear. We were celebrating that I’d been a good girl and gotten a whole month’s worth of stickers. It was all so great!

Then we went home and Daddy ordered me to get on my knees and take his cock out.

Now normally, that’s my favorite place to be. But I wasn’t in the headspace for sex. Like, I really wasn’t in the headspace for sex. But I’ve been having a weird relationship with sex lately (more on that later) and I thought if I just got down to business that the headspace would come.

It didn’t.

The thing you have to understand is that my slave heart so badly wants to serve and please him. It brings me peace and it brings me joy. But what I did last night was let my desire to please him supersede my duty to serve him. And it created a bit of a mess.

I did not want to have sex. I did not want to do anything sexual. I was not in the headspace for it. I was literally fighting back tears - and still, I didn’t say anything.

He even asked me at one point. Green? he said. And I nodded. Even though my brain was screaming, no, no, no, RED!

Now, because of my past sexual trauma going forward with sex when I was in the headspace I was in could have been incredibly damaging. It could have triggered me really badly - or even retraumatized me. 

But I so badly wanted to please him. I was so afraid of disappointing him. We only get to see each other a couple times per week and I didn’t want to be a downer. I didn’t want to take this away from him.

So you know what I did instead?

I took away the power I’d given him to make decisions for me. By not telling him what was going on, by not communicating to him what I was feeling and where my head was at, I not only silenced my voice but I took away his ability to care for my needs. Without even asking him.

I effectively neutralized our dynamic in that moment. Like I said before, I let my desire to please him supersede my duty to serve him.

I should have spoken up. I should have used my safeword. I should have told him what I was feeling and where my head was at.

But I didn’t.

Thankfully, Daddy knows me and he stopped play and went straight to cuddles and storytime and aftercare instead. But what if he hadn’t? 

Things could have been terrible. I could have harmed myself and that definitely would have harmed him. I wasn’t thinking about my needs or his needs or even his wants. 

He wants me happy. He wants me healthy. He wants me taken care of and safe and protected and in a good headspace. He needs me that way.

His needs and wants supersede my wants. And that means that, yes, his desire to see me happy and healthy and safe and protected come before my desire to please him. 

I failed as a sub last night. By not speaking up, by not openly communicating with my Dom, by holding back when I should have said something, by not using my safeword… I failed.

Now, why am I talking about this when it’s so hard to write?

Because we see so much on here about mistakes Dom(me)s have made and ways they’ve fucked up and I think it’s important to remember that a D/s relationship - like any relationship - is a two-way street and that anybody in the dynamic can make mistakes and do damage.

Luckily, play stopped before damage was done but I need to reflect on myself and my choices and figure out why I didn’t speak up. Why I didn’t safeword. And why I let my prime directive to keep his property healthy, happy, and whole fall by the wayside - and allowed it to, instead, be supplanted by my desire to please him. 

I’ll learn from this. We’ll both learn from this. And I’m sure this post will lead to conversation (as it should). 

But in the meantime, I just need to make sure I’m remembering my prime directive and making that the center of everything I do - even if that means (especially if that means) I need to tap out.

Well, you don’t want to beat them blue then just turn them loose! Ok, serious time. Aftercare is a necessity. After a scene, and yes, after a punishment. Part of the obligations of a Dom is not only to correct behavior that deviates from agreed upon rules and within their granted authority, it is also their responsibility to help return the submissive to an emotionally stable and reassured position after the punishment has been administered. Aftercare post-punishment in no way reverses the punishment’s effects. I am very hard pressed to even think up an example where it would come close unless the whole execution was very sloppy. Here’s how I approach punishment:

Confirm the behavior is within your granted authority to address. Your submissive’s consent has limits and there are likely things that will be out of your jurisdiction as her Dominant to police and judge. Things she does at work, for example. Or things she had to reasonably do out of necessity at the time with no alternative present. Alternatively the rule may have been unclear and punishment would likely not be warranted. Hear their side before punishment is exercised.

Identify the behavior(s) that warrant punishment to the submissive. Inform them of their infraction calmly and clearly. Never, ever punish blindly. They need and deserve to know what the punishment is about.

Utilize only as much force as reasonably necessary. That means any kind of force. Let the punishment fit the crime. Timeouts are you using your authority to order an unpleasant condition be tolerated by them for a determined amount of time. If you use spankings or kneeling on uncooked rice, ensure you do not punish to excess. Both could cause damage to your submissive if done recklessly.

Debrief after the punishment has been administered. This means aftercare. This means discussing how future occurrences of the infraction can be prevented. This means drying tears, butt rubs for spanked bottoms, hydration, etc. Do your best to return them to pre-punishment condition minus the unwanted behavior.

Be ready to answer questions. This is the point (15-30 minutes or more after the punishment) that a little might give a “what if” statement. A “what if” statement is not being snarky or bratty! It is the submissive mentally circling back around to confirm what you just laid out. Any submissive might use this time to facilitate a conversation with their Dominant regarding the experience. Be ready to listen patiently and answer their questions. This is the bonding time that respectful execution of a punishment and good aftercare unlocks.

Seriously one of the best things in the world, washing your woman’s hair. 

She kneels for me

She kneels for me because I inspire her

She kneels for me because she desires to

She kneels for me because I protect her

She kneels for me because I lead her

She kneels for me because I respect her

She kneels for me because I love her

She kneels for me