The Study of Dith

When it snows we can go out and stay relatively warm and dry. We can't do that in the rain. Nothing will keep us dry and warm. We will get wet.

Maybe I am different and older and have a baby now so she also sees me differently? And thus treats me differently. Maybe I also don't take the bait as much which means she is less likely to flip out suddenly.

Something is different though. And I can't quite put my finger on it. It's elusive and maybe not actually true. Maybe it's all me.

But it was different this time. It was different last time too (Christmas when Bebé was 5 months old). Last time was a short visit so I kinda figured it was just the nice arrangement we had. This time she was here for 10 days though! That's ages. And we did two long car drives and were together almost constantly at the hotel. We had our (early) nights to ourselves in our own room but that was it. She didn't even start to get weird by poking us like she often does at the end of the trip.

I dunno. Maybe she wants something. I can't trust it. It's different, sure, but I cannot trust it is better. I can embrace and enjoy this particular experience.

Yesterday we just stayed home and I did so much fucking laundry.

My mom was really great the whole time. She was great with Bebé and helped give us time on our own. It was probably the best visit we've had with her. But of course that does almost nothing for my anxiety and even makes it worse in some ways. Like...what faux pas did we make that she is fuming about silently. I don't think there is but I just cannot trust this scenario bc of all the history.

But I am trying to absorb and feel the positive experience. I really am. But it's hard!!!

I go back to work in two months and I simultaneously feel excitement and dread.

It's raining a lot. I know we need it and I'm happy to have it. But it's a lot easier to get through the day with Bebé when we can go outside. She's so active these days! She's constantly on the go and needs a lot of stimulation. So outside makes that all a lot easier.