Disquiet Forest

Say if Luke is unavailable to solve a mystery with Professor Layton and he had to rely on one of his three kids. Who do you think Professor Layton would take with him?

And 2 more

So, for full context: I work retail.

Sometimes, I end up looking at camera footage of the shop floor. To spot shoplifters and such.

Sometimes I see myself in that camera footage when we look back over the day.

I didn't like it.

I don't like it.

I don't like seeing this person built like an American refrigerator walking around and interacting with people.

I don't like seeing myself on camera. I barely tolerate myself in photographs and when I have to look at myself in the mirror, I find myself focussing on one part at a time so I don't have to take in the whole image. Either my hair style, my nose and surrounding features (eyes, mouth, etc.) or just the small goatee beard I keep to hide my double chins. One part at a time. Never all parts at once. I can't stand it.

I am tall. I am broad of build. I previously felt like I had come to terms with that.

But I see myself on camera and those feelings fall apart. I don't like the person I see.

As a trans woman, I know I have dysphoria (officially diagnosed.)

But now I fear I may have a Body Dysmorphia diagnosis on top of that.

And, if so, how can I seek help for that? I know there isn't anything I can really do to change the build nature has given me.

But ....

Is there a big crossover between Dysphoria and Dysmorphia that I don't know about? Meaning, these feelings may ease as my transition continues and I become more feminine in appearance?

Is there something I can do to get an official diagnosis for that, to add to my dysmorphia diagnosis so, at least, the doctors might know what to do with me?

Is it a separate issue I need to address in therapy or something?

Or is it something that is separate to each individual person and I need to figure it out for myself?

On getting diagnosis doctors therapy:

I have lucked into a good primary care doctor. She cares about me and help8ng with the problems i face and managing them regardless of specific diagnosis. So i work with her and say here are all my problems going onets work with them. Cool some solved by hrt some vody issues still there what tools do we need for that and she will refer and help me get like hrt meds or hey here is an electroliysust for facial hair or heres medical diagnoses so other docks are more helpful when metting. Diagnoses are more keys for locks its not really necessary if you arent barred from treatment. But i recomend telling your primary care provider or regular doctor 9r whatever so you can work on things long term and pursue medical things and ways of help for your soecific situation.

Therapy helps too wgen you get a good therapist. Working with them and they can poke on hey this is internalized fatfobia you are blaming yoyrself for or hey heres some self visualization and acceptance tools to work with. Cause even if its dysmorphia or dysforia or a blend of everything its a real problem you experience. Some of those can be solved medically some theraputically some merely managed. They are byproducys of us living in a horrific system and the stigma applied to people inmeshing with our transness and turned inward. So yes maybe you and i feel dysforic from having broad frames and belly fat. However this is dysforia that is affected by the beauty standards we live in and see. So some of that can be alieviated by treating dysforia medically. Some treated by tnderstanding the socal influences and intentionally working with understanding and applying them or not to the self. But in our experience there still ends up a part thats like eh this sucks and feels bad and that diesnt change but yoy grow around it and learn to be ok with that. Its a smaller spike from the therapy help and medical but in some ways it never goes away and you just change to be ok with it.

On to taking soecific aspects and what ive done to feel better about them. I have a few more specific tips.

First is to find reference materials that showcase people like ypu with these features in a positive light. Kinda tricking the brain by being like "Well this woman has this feature and is still embodying womanhood so it is unfair on me to apply different standards to myself and a disservice to her to beat myself up about this feature we share (cause beating yoyr self up oversomething often bleeds through and can harm others esp those who share the stigmatized trait you dislike in yourself without yoyr intent to do so. ) so finding reference where features are highlighted and celebrated helps asuage the no trie scotsmaning your brain is doing to yourself. Example i am fat so i looked into cultures and art. And such celebrating this. Sculpture of ancient greek giddesses with body rolls the 'fertility idols' of many places that are slipping my mind right now. The ways these figures are lovingly depicted and described adored for their fatness and bounty. Helped a bit in seeing attractive features in myself or seeingmyself through the eyes of another.

I often care more about others than myself and so my therapist poked me to look into the histories of why certain features are stigmatized. (Spoiler alert esp in usa american and northern hemisphere and internet beauty standards its so often racism) and in my work to help fix and correct my internaluzed racism i made concioys efforts to disrupt thise thoughts when i apy them to myself. This method wont work for everyone and may be more harmful and guilt inducing for many its what works for me but you may have to find and make tools that work better with yiur self and expression bits

Lastly and im a bit sheepish to admit has been making art and even porn of self inserts highlighting the feature i hate and trying to represent it beautifully. This has led me to learn about belly dancing and how its an artform often dangerous to thin folks as it relues on highlighting and apreciating belly and fat movement (shock😄). And im looking into taking classes as it puts me in a community and space wgere i can apreciate it and where others will be supportive and apreciative if that aspect. And as for the porn ive written a few pueces and poems and some risque paintings all highlighting body hair and stretch marks. Not as horrors but for their beauty. The stretch marks become magic lines flowing in my body and the beauty of a body who cant shed like a lobster but instead must reform without being discarded. A loving history and story told in cells. And my body hair becomes soft fuzz like a bumble bee or warm down and fur my partner enjoys. But also becomes the bark and texture of my body and how im feminine in the ways of a tree or forest. But if i have the energy to style ut with hair moyse then i can use it as ink for a temporary tatoo i can make swirls flowers roses and vines just sculpting it different then it becomes a beloved and beautiful art on my body.

And as you become less ashamed of these parts and share them strangers will notice that too and open up their own aspects. Ive had a lady at the busstop complement my stretch marks and show me her own calling them tiger stripes.

As ive joined a choir ive had the durector and ither kembers excited for my help as a low vouce to fill out the lower registers and enamored as though im some rare treasure. But also members if this choir have fully not proxessed that im trans and just treat me like another woman. Like they hear me sing with a voice not really vocal trained and yet they just percieve that "oh right yoyre a lesbian so you and your wife wont have kids for biological reasons."

Peoples perceptions of gender are maliable and manipulateable enough that as long as you give them some mental hoolks to use they are more than happy to overlook parts that are harder to understand.

All of these make it easier for me to deal with things but theres still days where i need to throw a towl over the mirror. Or a day where my partner will see im having a bad time and need to step in get me dressed up in lngerie and intentionally demme to cherish thise parts of me that "dont get enough love." "Cause someone has to and if you wont i will."

It's always morally correct to deface advertisements but please be respectful of other peoples art

For the first group the consequences of your actions are real, they're directly related to your action. These rules can be broken only if you accept the risk first, maybe you want a burnt hand idk you do you

For the second group the consequences are imagined and enforced by authority, they aren't directly related to your actions people in power just want you to think they are. You should break these rules as often as you can get away with

All rules can be put into two groups; those that have a real consequence and those that have a manufactured consequence enforced by an authority, right?

Calvin: yeah...

Calvin's dad: don't pirate music? Manufactured. Don't touch the hotplate? Real. Don't walk on the grass? Manufactured. Don't climb into the tigers enclosure? Real.