an armed and fully operational dance floor

It’s been two weeks since I was let go from my job because of this fucking coronavirus bullshit and being stuck with my own thoughts is. Not good. 

I’m stuck in a position of being out of work and needing a job, but having a skillset that’s entirely based around working in close physical contact with other people. I stupidly decided to go into a dying industry that requires a hard-boiled work ethic when I KNOW that I don’t have what it takes to be an independent photography business, and that there’s no such thing as a 9 to 5 photography job that isn’t retail. My photography is OK and I’ve had people be very happy with it, but I haven’t actually made any real money with it AND there’s so many better photographers out there than me. I’m the epitome of a mediocre white boy surrounded by infinitely more talented people, I just don’t have the self esteem that normally comes with it. 

I’m so fucking mad about the election bullshit, and I’m extremely sour that I’m going to have to vote for fucking B*den in November, because as much as people go on about “blah blah keep fighting” I can’t let the fucking dictator that’s in power now be the one to decide the Supreme Court! I’m so angry that my primary vote effectively means nothing!

I feel unwaveringly, desperately, and terribly lonely, and the problem is that I’ve felt this way LONG before this quarantine was put into effect. I haven’t felt like I’ve had actual close friends, like PHYSICALLY close friends that I can casually hang out with and talk to, since college. Maybe even high school, if I’m being honest. I’ve got people that I’m friends with, of course - lots of them - but SO MANY of them are people I’ve met through conventions and more realistically, convention photography. They all live far away, and 90% of the time that I’m spending with them in person is doing a photoshoot with them. There’s times when I wonder how many of these people would have actually become friends with me if I didn’t have a camera. 

SO MUCH of my social circle is based around conventions, and it’s so frustrating, because I only attend 3, maybe 4 conventions a year total, and meanwhile everyone else goes to like 6 or 7 or something, which means there’s all kinds of interpersonal drama and feuds that I’m not privy to, and I hate getting involved with, and don’t know the right course to deal with. 

And with my social circle being comprised of people I meet at conventions mostly through photoshoots, it also makes the idea of dating a horrible joke. Not only would I feel like I’d be turning into those fucking horrible photographers who only tries to shoot with people to hit on them, the people I wind up attracted to are people who I’d have no shot with ANYWAY. They’re wonderful, lovely, amazing people, but they also tend to be taken, or not compatible sexualities, or other factors. I’m so tired of falling for or getting crushes on people who are completely and totally unavailable or uninterested. 

I hate the feeling of falling for someone just to know that they would never be interested in me that way!! And it feels like that’s the only type of people I fall for!! Like, the easiest way to put it is I feel like I’m just not an attractive person. At all. Not UGLY. There’s a difference. Even with all my body self esteem issues, I don’t think I look too terrible. But there’s something about me, either my body, or personality, or whatever, that people just don’t find attractive in the romantic sense, and it fucking kills me. And I keep getting crushes or keep being sexually attracted to my friends, and they can never know, because then they’ll be creeped out, or think that I was only friends with them to get in their pants, when it’s not true! They’re just hot people and I’m constantly thirsty!!

I want to be held!!! I want someone to hold me and lay on the couch with me and lay their head on my chest and hug me!!! I want to feel like I MATTER to someone, specifically!! Not because I’m a photographer and I can take a nice picture of them, but for being ME!!! I know I’m not the catch of the week! I don’t have a lot of money and even before this quarantine shit happened I didn’t have a great job!!! But there’s people out there who can find love in even worse situations than me and make it work! Why can’t I??? 

And I’m getting older!!! I’m 31! I don’t have a lot of time left to find someone and fall in love and maybe, MAYBE if I’m lucky, have a family!! I want to be a dad some day!! Even with all the bullshit in the world, I want to have a kid and be happy and try to be a good dad! I think I would make a pretty decent father if I had the chance!! But no, I’m just squandering my life away, and I don’t think it’ll ever happen at this point!! 

And I want sex!!! I hate that it’s always on my mind but I’m such a thirsty, sappy bitch of a man and I fucking hate it! But I’m terrified of that too, because I have so little actual experience that I feel like anyone who I would sleep with would find me a total joke! Not to mention that if I can’t even find REGULAR FRIENDS to hang out with who live near me, how the fuck am I going to find anyone nearby who’s open to banging, either in a real relationship or in a casual FwB thing??