Where I yell

I isolate and leave and stop reaching out because i have so much happening and I'm just so tired of being on the go.

100 things to get done just to feel like im not moving or getting ahead at all

I'm crying more feeling more and just having a really hard time lately I don't think that's a horrible thing to be feeling more since its part of processing the hard things but I'm still sick of it

I have lived every day of my 20s in pain or discomfort in some way and i just wish i was working towards an actual finish line with all these appointments and forms and doctors and specialist and and and. To be finished with these pains would be really cool because its like one area eases up and another triples in weight

The only thing I can really control is my speed so I've decided to drop a gear and really try to catch my breath

I'm still gonna be in pain and I'm still gonna have 100 things to do so why am I trying to sprint when I can barely stand??? both literally and metaphorically. ANYWAYS i guess all of that rambling is the thought process and slight reasoning to why i haven't posted in a hot minute

I'm still in pain and I'm having a hard time with it again , sometimes i feel like I'm handling it and figuring things out and then ^^^ those cycles happen and i struggle I have a new doctor and i need to start asking him to send me for more tests since I'm healing from the fallopian tube removal and endometriosis discovery. I'm now trying to figure out what issues could be paired with my endo since i have a lot of weird random things my body does at what feels like an inconsistent routine or cycle of some kind and trying to feel better is a whole or lessen the weird times is like playing a murder mystery game with myself but no one knows who the killer is including the game host (my body) MCAS (Mast Cell Activation Syndrome) is a recent mention from another chronically unwell pal who heard the weird details I'm also currently waiting to be called by the heart monitor people because my doctor is concerned about my heart rate that typically sits in the 40s.

To set the scene properly I need you to know I rarely read my last update before writing a new one. Surgery from January to remove fallopian tubes went well, they also confirmed I had endometriosis so they did some ablations and I'll find out my severity of that at my follow up appointment in early March. Healing has been ok but I still have various pain and at this point I never know what should be concerning and seeking medical attention or what I can just get through on my own at home. I also finally found a new doctor in the town over and I have to say he is the polar opposite of my last shitty doctor that I suffered with for years.

Unfortunately though at my intake appointment they took my heart rate and blood pressure and my heart rate was 45, and confirmed again at 45 when rechecked.

What was supposed to essentially be a meet and greet turned into a real appointment (My old doctor never would have added more work to his life in order to help me / show concern for my health)

I was then sent for multiple blood panels and an ECG, we are awaiting the full results to be sent to my new doctors office and he will call me when he has it. I was able to see some blood work results and I do have a couple of high and lows even though I'm not yet at the point where I understand what they mean.

New doc also recommended / told me to start wearing a smart watch if possible to track my heart rate. I whipped out the old fit bit and have been wearing since recommended and my resting heart rate does linger in the low 40s. He said if I feel weak and tired to go to the hospital and also if my heart goes below 40 to go to the hospital immediately.

It does put me in a slightly rough position where I'm uncertain what level of tired / weak warrants the hospital trip since I always feel that way. ANYWAYS that's my 'new' heart stuff. (Even though its probably been happening for a while no one ever noticed and the anxiety i got at my old doctors probably masked it) The brain tumor specialist was seen a month early in Feb which was nice. She was great but and agreed to do more imaging in a year and sent me as well for a pituitary blood panel to see how its all functioning.

As of right now we are monitoring the tumor but not intervening since it isn't pushing on anything and the endocrinologist was worried that if we started meds or chemo to shrink it that my day to day life wouldn't improve because of all my other issues in my body.

If I get a really bad headache / migraine I was told to go to the hospital. I get headaches every day from it (I told the specialist this) and apparently it would be clear if its hospital worthy so I am just hoping that doesn't happen

As always my spine continues to hurt and bother me but I did get a call from a new pain clinic where the treatments are covered by OHIP so I will hopefully be able to get regular treatment once I get in officially with a doctor.

We just did my intake over the phone but the person on the phone was kind and patient and listened to me for an hour talk about ALLLLLLL my different issues. I should be in within 6 months and I have a few treatments I'm hopeful to try that I couldn't afford at my old pain clinic because it was a private one.

They also offer mental health services so I'm hopeful I won't have a big decline mentally if things continue to get worse for me physically which they really seem to want to do. I go back to work this week for light duties and I'm really hoping my body can handle it.

I know this was a big one so if you made it through thank you.

I am scared.

27 was filled with tests and imaging and fighting with my doctor to just listen to me.

Now its confirmed i have a brain tumor, a type of arthritis in my spine , multiple disc protrusions in my spine , a cyst in the muscle around my spine.

I have surgery to remove my fallopian tubes and look for endometriosis in 10 days. What if every year I just have to deal with more. What if i never get a break from problem solving and thinking about my next steps for my health.

What if i can't get a new doctor and my current one continues to fight me on all my requests?

I'm so tired of looking for positives when all i feel and see are negatives.

i know im strong and can endure alot but is it fair to say i just don't want to anymore.

I think its hard for me as i continue to seemingly decay to try to plan for the upcoming year in anyway that's more than surviving. Before this year I had themes and ideas i would try to focus on for a new year or season and I'm truly struggling to form the thoughts to make a similar goal / effort Surviving is a good goal but I've always wanted more for me Surgery to remove fallopian tubes and check for endo is in 20 days. I have no savings and am paycheck to paycheck. I'm behind on all my bills including rent and I'm just feeling it all at once. The drive and want to work and build my career but the inability to take on the tasks needed and the bad body that makes me have to think of every single way i move , act and think to lessen the toll on my health and body I feel like I'm just trapped in a sinking ship. I desperately try to grasp hold onto anything but it feels like every step forward is sinking me down at the same time. I work as much as I can , find extra income , budget and spend minimally and still i just go deeper and deeper

Brain MRI done, there is a "Suspected .4cm Pituitary Microadenoma" My doctor was working at the hospital and this not being a "drop dead tumor" means I will probably hear from him tomorrow (Monday) about the next steps. Googling says treatment is available and when this is no longer in my head I SHOULD have less symptoms. Back problems aren't going to be solved but the reproductive fuckery might chill out. I am feeling crazy.

To feel like I've been actively declining for over a a year and then have this discovered is wild.

Funny that my last post I mentioned trying to stay consistent then disappeared Updates to date (8:18 pm Nov 24 /2025)

breasts were looked at (ultrasound) and everything LOOKS normal but i still have areas of pain and create breast milk. Head MRI tomorrow to see if i have a prolactinoma that may be causing a list of issues Saw my neurosurgeon Friday and the "solution" to my arthritis lower back pain is another surgery. It would be my 3rd back surgery. They want to fuse another part of my spine. They said i should wait as long as possible for this since it will lead to more areas decaying basically as soon as i get it I'm struggling on the "waiting" portion of the statement. i already have daily pain , limit everything i do around my back, lose bladder control, fall, cry , scream and feel stuck but what if this is just the tip of the iceberg and I'm supposed to wait until I've fully crumbled to get this surgery. I'm only 27 and i am so angry. My surgery to get my tubes removed for permanent birth control and to get scoped for endo is at the end of January. No savings and a 2+ week recovery time of being off work is just building nothing but stress and I'm panicking. Who knows what I'm forgetting to mention but I'm sure there's something. I'm tired and depressed and losing sight of hope. I don't know what the light at the end of my tunnel looks like but its getting harder to keep up the gas that will hopefully get me there

Trying to stay consistent so I've just decided to start typing and see where it goes.

I think I'm in some weird emotional limbo. My partner doesn't feel like a partner so its almost as if I'm dealing with all these health issues completely independently. I've been thinking of ending the relationship but the fear of change is big and I don't have it in me to adjust to that as well right now.

I have a breast exam scheduled for Nov 20, appointment with neurosurgeon on the 21, head MRI on the 25 and a call with my gyno surgeon for to discuss my tube removal and endo scope for January. Maybe in December I'll be able to just rest and work in the least draining way possible as i prepare for surgery at the end of January and try to get ahead on rent. I continue to feel worse and as of today (Nov 7) I've had a headache for about 9 days. I feel like my memory issues are getting worse and I'm struggling to figure out word choices when talking to people and I feel stupid overall

My declining health is kind of hitting me and i am scared. I have multiple issues in different parts of my body. a doctor that doesn't seem to give a shit that I'm continuously feeling worse and worse.

i have headaches every day. my back always hurts. my tits make milk. i have multiple cysts in different locations of my body. i feel like they're little bombs trapped inside me and when they decide to possibly burst are going to debilitate me completely. i have no savings and less than $20 in my bank account

i cant afford to miss the already minimal work I'm able to do and trying to get the gov aid options are like jumping through hoops

i just want a break. i wonder if it will ever be possible for me to go 24 hours without discomfort or pain that comes simply from existing

i wish i had a doctor that listened to me and gave a shit that i am suffering

i wish i had anything else taking up all of this space in my brain that's making me spiral and feel hopeless

i never wanted to be hopeless and i always believed that any situation can become better with effort , work and determination but now I'm worried I'm in a place that no matter how hard i try ill just continued to be fucked and to get worse and worse

I feel so alone and lost and i just want for one of my tomorrows to be easier to get through then all of my todays have been for the last 8 years do i blame myself or others or just realize there's no one to blame and this is the life I'm forced to live

Following that appointment ill be writing a review about my doctor for the lack of empathy , poor bedside manner and overall my concerns that my medical care isn't being taken seriously. Might not mean anything but I've had people tell me when they've written reviews it sometimes speeds up their wait time for a new healthcare professional. I really would like to have someone who cares about my issues and wants to help me find ways to improve my life. His previous reviews (if you'll believe it) aren't good. He doesn't have a positive review since pre-2020 and has been blamed by others for their partners dying because of his delay in sending people for imaging and providing any form of preventative care.

That led me to a paywall so I'm back on Tumblr. Mainly need a space to scream into the void about my back issues and other health stuff as well as maybe some where to be vulnerable without the shame and embarrassment that typically show up for me. MRI showed some type of arthritis variant in my spine, disc bulges in multiple vertebrae , and '0.4 x 1 x 0.8cm left facet synovial cyst in the posterior paraspinal soft tissues." for some fucking reason. Years of chronic pain and a doctor that told me to "reframe my mindset and learn to accept and live with my chronic pain" instead of putting any effort into finding solutions to help me live more comfortably and manage my pain. I don't remember ever trying to be pain free. I just thought it would be cool to not hurt myself getting dressed, to make a box of KD without having to sit down, to have a shower and not be exhausted after. I just thought I could hurt less or make it stop getting worse so fast , and that we could come up with ideas to try to make that possible. I see my neurosurgeon next month and maybe he'll have ideas of who may be able to help me have a higher quality of life.

I am having a surgery to scope for endo and remove my fallopian tubes near the end of January. 9 days after I turn 28.