DIABLO ME

⠁ ⠀GOOGLE DOC LAYOUT ⠀———⠀ THAT’S MURDER

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‘  when i was a kid, whenever i’d feel small or lonely, i’d look up at the stars. wondered if there was life up there.  ‘

‘  tens of thousands of lives were lost.  ‘

‘  this was just the beginning.  ‘

‘  to fight monsters, we created monsters of our own.  ‘

‘  we got really good at it. winning.  ‘

‘  hey, kid. don’t get cocky.  ‘

‘  please, after you. age before beauty.  ‘

‘  you know what i’m thinking.  ‘

‘  worry about yourself, kiddo!  ‘

‘  ___, listen to me!  ‘

‘  suits and ties, flashy smiles. that’s all they are.  ‘

‘  bad news: three guys died yesterday.  ‘

‘  well, orders are orders. what else am i supposed to do?  ‘

‘  took me a while to find you.  ‘

‘  i can’t have anyone else in my head again. i’m done.  ‘

‘  haven’t you heard? the world is coming to an end.  ‘

‘  so where would you rather die? here, or ____?  ‘

‘  oh, no, call me ___. only my mother calls me doctor.  ‘

‘  he was 2,500 tons of awesome. or awful. you know, whatever you wanna call it.  ‘

‘  shut up. i don’t love them, okay? i study them.  ‘

‘  things have changed. we’re not an army anymore, we’re the resistance.  ‘

‘  i didn’t know it was this bad.  ‘

‘  sorry about your brother.  ‘

‘  you haven’t told me what i’m doing here yet.  ‘

‘  numbers do not lie. politics and poetry, promises, these are lies. numbers are as close as we get to the handwriting of god.  ‘

‘  politics and poetry, promises, these are lies.  ‘

‘  and this… is the point where he goes completely crazy.  ‘

‘  fortune favors the brave, dude.  ‘

‘  they won’t give you the equipment, and even if they did, you’d kill yourself.  ‘

‘  she’s one of a kind now.  ‘

‘  i think you’re unpredictable.  ‘

‘  you take risks that endanger yourself and your crew. i don’t think you’re the right man for this mission.  ‘

‘  wow. thank you for your honesty.  ‘

‘  one day, you’re gonna see that in combat you make decisions. and you have to live with the consequences.  ‘

‘  you promised me.  ‘

‘  vengeance is like an open wound.  ‘

‘  to me, you’re dead weight. you slow me down, i’m gonna drop you like a sack of shit.  ‘

‘  i’ve raised him on my own. he’s a smart kid, but i never knew whether to give him a hug or a kick in the ass.  ‘

‘  it’s a dialogue, not a fight.  ‘

‘  better watch it.  ‘

‘  i’m not crazy. you felt it, right?  ‘

‘  this is worth fighting for.  ‘

‘  if you’re listening to this, well, i’m either alive and i’ve proven what i’ve just done works, in which case, ha ha, i won. or i’m dead and i’d like you to know that it’s all your fault. it really is, you know, you drove me to this. in which case, ha, i also won. sort of.  ‘

‘  are you gonna say anything?  ‘

‘  you look good.  ‘

‘  like when you blink your eyes over and over and over again and all you really see are like, frames. it was emotion.  ‘

‘  i’m okay. just let me control it.  ‘

‘  you are a goddamn disgrace. you’re gonna get us all killed.  ‘

‘  why don’t you just do us all a favor and disappear? it’s the only thing you’re good at.  ‘

‘  so, what, you’re grounding us?  ‘

‘  one: don’t you ever touch me again. two: don’t you ever touch me again.  ‘

‘  now, you have no idea who the hell i am or where i’ve come from, and i’m not about to tell you my whole life story.  ‘

‘  you know, you live in someone else’s head for so long… the hardest part to deal with is the silence.  ‘

‘  well, that’s classified. so i couldn’t tell you. even if i wanted to. but it is pretty cool, so i might tell you. i’m gonna tell you.  ‘

‘  jesus, we can’t just sit here and watch them die.  ‘

‘  let me in, i’m a doctor!  ‘

‘  we have a choice here. we either sit and wait, or we take these flare guns and do something really stupid.  ‘

‘  as harsh as it sounds, there is no time to celebrate. we lost people. no time to grieve.  ‘

‘  how sick are you? and why didn’t you tell me?  ‘

‘  i haven’t exactly had a very good day, okay?  ‘

‘  we’re gonna own this bad boy!  ‘

‘  by jove, we are going to own this thing for sure!  ‘

‘  today, at the edge of our hope, at the end of our time, we have chosen not only to believe in ourselves, but in each other.  ‘

‘  today we are canceling the apocalypse!  ‘

‘  as for you, well, you’re easy. you’re an egotistical jerk with daddy issues. a simple puzzle i solved on day one.  ‘

‘  i just don’t want to regret all the things that i never said out loud.  ‘

‘  well, my father always said, if you have the shot, you take it. so let’s do this.  ‘

‘  all i have to do is fall. anyone can fall.  ‘

‘  i can’t find his pulse. i don’t think he’s breathing.  ‘

‘  no. don’t go. please.  ‘

‘  you’re squeezing me too tight. i couldn’t breathe.  ‘

all text taken from the poetry book night sky with exit wounds by ocean vuong.

‘  in the body, where everything has a price, i was a beggar.  ‘

‘  he was singing, which is why i remember it. his voice — it filled me to the core like a skeleton.  ‘

‘  even my name knelt down inside me, asking to be spared.  ‘

‘  it is all i remember.  ‘

‘  i was alive. i didn’t know there was a better reason.  ‘

‘  i lost it all with my eyes wide open.  ‘

‘  do you know who i am?  ‘

‘  how easily a boy in a dress the red of shut eyes vanishes beneath the sound of his own galloping.  ‘

‘  i’m dreaming of a curtain of snow falling from her shoulders.  ‘

‘  snow scraping against the window. snow shredded with gunfire. red sky.  ‘

‘  show me how ruin makes a home out of hip bones.  ‘

‘  let every river envy our mouths. let every kiss hit the body like a season.  ‘

‘  if you must know anything, know that the hardest task is to live only once.  ‘

‘  if we make it to shore, i will name our son after this water. i will learn to love a monster.  ‘

‘  he laughs despite knowing he has ruined every beautiful thing just to prove beauty cannot change him.  ‘

‘  hey! you didn’t have to go this far. why did you go so far?  ‘

‘  sometimes i feel like an ampersand.  ‘

‘  everyone can forget us — as long as you remember.  ‘

‘  i hold the gun & wonder if an entry wound in the night would make a hole as wide as morning.  ‘

‘  there’s a lighthouse. some nights you are the lighthouse, some nights the sea.  ‘

‘  what this means is that i don’t know desire other than the need to be shattered & rebuilt.  ‘

‘  even tomorrow you will have today.  ‘

‘  you’ll never forget yourself the way god forgets his hands.  ‘

‘  the body is a blade that sharpens by cutting.  ‘

‘  my mother said i could be anything i wanted — but i chose to live.  ‘

‘  i am ready to be every animal you leave behind.  ‘

‘  and this is how we loved: a fifth of vodka and an afternoon in the attic, your fingers though my hair — my hair a wildfire.  ‘

‘  when our lips touched the day closed into a coffin.  ‘

‘  the year is a distance we’ve traveled in circles.  ‘

‘  we made it, baby. we’re riding in the back of the black limousine.  ‘

‘  i love my country. i pretend nothing is wrong.  ‘

‘  i’m holding your still-hot thoughts in, darling, my sweet, sweet ___.  ‘

‘  you want to tell him it’s okay that the night is also a grave we climb out of.  ‘

‘  you say thank you thank you thank you because you haven’t learned the purpose of forgive me.  ‘

‘  you’re so quiet you’re almost tomorrow.  ‘

‘  to love another man — is to leave no one behind to forgive me. i want to leave no one behind.  ‘

‘  even though he’s gone, i still want to be clean.  ‘

‘  if only the rain were gasoline, your tongue a lit match, & you can change without disappearing.  ‘

‘  he dies each night you close your eyes & hear his slow exhale.  ‘

‘  wait, i have something to say.  ‘

‘  as if my finger, tracing your collarbone behind closed doors, was enough to erase myself.  ‘

‘  to forget we built this house knowing it won’t last.  ‘

‘  it’s funny. i always knew i’d be warmest beside by man.  ‘

‘  don’t laugh. just tell me the story again.  ‘

‘  speak — until your voice is nothing but the crackle of charred bones.  ‘

‘  look how happy we are to be no one & still american.  ‘

‘  i’ll tell you how we’re wrong enough to be forgiven/  ‘

‘  say you’d kill for it.  ‘

‘  don’t we touch each other just to prove we are still here?  ‘

‘  silly me. i thought love was real and the body imaginary.  ‘

‘  i said yes because you asked me to stay.  ‘

‘  there is so much i want to tell you. how my greatest accolade was to walk across the brooklyn bridge & not think of flight.  ‘

‘  you will always remember what you were doing when it hurts the most.  ‘

‘  dearest father, forgive me for i have seen.  ‘

‘  once, i fell in love during a slow-motion car crash.  ‘

‘  i wrote a better hour onto the page & watched the fire take it back.  ‘

‘  this means you are not alone.  ‘

‘  don’t stay here. don’t cry anymore.  ‘

‘  i promise to stop soon.  ‘

‘  how come depression makes me feel more alive?  ‘

‘  i shouldn’t have, but he had the hands of someone i used to know. someone i was used to.  ‘

‘  i dreamed i walked barefoot all the way to your house in the snow. everything was the blue of smudged ink and you were still alive.  ‘

‘  here. that’s all i wanted to be.  ‘

‘  don’t worry. your father is only your father until one of you forgets.  ‘

‘  the end of the road is so far ahead it is already behind us.  ‘

‘  don’t be afraid, the gunfire is only the sound of people trying to live a little longer & failing.  ‘

‘  remember, loneliness is still time spent with the world.  ‘

‘  the difference between prayer & mercy is how you move the tongue.  ‘

A collection of one hundred tropes of varying nature. Spiritual successor to my previous An Extremely Self-Indulgent Meme. Some of these pair well together and can easily be sent in various combinations. Some are also highly suggestive in nature. Engage appropriately.

one muse steps protectively in front of the other

one muse tends to the other’s injury

one muse is not acting like themselves and the other has to snap them out of it

one muse kisses the other during an argument

one muse pins the other to a wall

one muse kisses the other on their hand or wrist

one muse kisses the other on their neck or shoulder

one muse helps the other put on a necklace or tie

our muses aren’t supposed to be together but keep meeting anyway (on purpose or by accident)

our muses have a secret relationship

one muse takes a blow meant for the the other

one muse fights away enemies attacking the the other

one muse asks the other for their favor / a token before battle or a tourney

our muses share a night together believing it might be their last

our muses are in an arranged marriage / betrothal

our muses willingly marry for political reasons

our muses get married for love

our muses get married in a spur-of-the-moment decision

one muse has taken the other captive

our muses are in love but one thinks they aren’t good enough for the other

our muses are forced to ally for a common goal

our muses are enemies or former enemies but have started to fall for each other

our muses claim to hate each other but there is palpable tension between the two

our muses are trying to manipulate each other

one muse is trying to manipulate the other

our muses have feelings for each other but have conflicting loyalties

our muses are friends but have started to fall for each other

our muses are childhood friends that have been slowly falling for each other over the years

one muse has been in love with the other for a long time but is afraid their feelings are not reciprocated

one muse is in love with the other but they are in a relationship with or engaged to another person

our muses engage in a courtly romance

one muse is a knight in service to the the other’s family

one muse seeks comfort from a loveless marriage with the other, their lover

one muse traces the other’s scars

one muse kisses the other in a moment of heightened emotion

one muse confides in the other in a vulnerable moment

our muses are in love but circumstances prevent them from being together

our muses are exes who discover lingering feelings after reuniting

one muse confesses love to another after that person is injured

one muse confesses love to another because they believe they may die soon

our muses must share a bed

one muse lifts the other’s chin to look them in the eye

one muse places a hand at the back of the other’s neck to pull them extremely close

our muses have been hooking up, no strings attached

our muses have been hooking up, but one or both has developed deeper feelings

our muses are exes that hook up against their better judgement

one muse presumes the other is dead but is shocked when they show up alive again

one muse betrays their long held loyalties in order to save the other’s life from their own allies

our muses fake a relationship but have no actual interest in each other

our muses fake a relationship but start to genuinely fall for each other

one muse is known for their hard exterior and softens only in the other’s presence

one muse is the other’s weakness, something an enemy is trying to exploit

our muses are stuck somewhere together and must occupy their time

one muse has feelings for the other but has not acted on them due to their association with another character (a sibling / relative / ex / etc. ) or an organization

one muse is scared to act on feelings for the other due to poor experiences with love in the past

one muse is oblivious to the other’s feelings for them

one muse acts oblivious to the other’s feelings for them but really they are aware

one muse has unrequited feelings for the other

our muses are co-workers engaging in a hidden romance

one muse reveals one of their darkest secrets to the other

one muse comforts the other during an emotional breakdown

one muse calms the other from an intense rage

one muse’s family forbids them from seeing the other

our muses are in love but their friends / family do not support their relationship

one muse seeks redemption for past actions and comes to the other to atone

our muses regularly exchange letters

our muses move in together

our muses adopt a pet together

our muses have a child together

our muses adopt a child together

one muse discovers they are pregnant by accident

our muses have been set up by mutual friends

our muses have been set up by a matchmaker

our muses are in love with each other but are in denial

one muse is the other’s bodyguard / protector

one muse is royalty while the other is a commoner / rogue / societal outcast

one muse kisses the other for a bet

one muse relentlessly flirts with the other

our muses kiss for the first time ever

one muse wins a date with the other at an event

our muses dance together for the first time

one muse brushes their fingers through the other’s hair

one muse drunkenly confesses something to the other

our muses drunkenly hook up and wake up next to each other

our muses are roommates

our muses are partners in crime

one muse is a supernatural creature who falls for the other, who is a mortal

our muses are supernatural creatures from opposite clans or species that are historically hostile to each other

one muses is under a spell / in the middle of a monstrous transformation but somehow recognizes the other and refrains from harming them

our muses cuddle for warmth

our muses run away together

one muse wears piece of clothing or jewelry that belongs to the other

our muses bathe together

our muses cook together

our muses cuddle in bed

one muse serenades the other

one muse holds a weapon to the other as a threat

one muse physically lifts the other up

one muse protectively wraps an arm around the other

Jonathan Gleason was my friend who committed suicide just over a month ago… and I just found out that he wrote this 800+ page analysis textbook. By himself. Because he was teaching analysis and he was dissatisfied with the textbook he was assigned so he just…. wrote his own.

Even if you haven’t done any math… please just take a look at this. Scroll through it as fast as you like. It’s incredible that he put so much work and so much free time into this… I’m still in awe and I really want everyone to see it. In particular, if you want a good laugh, look at chapter 5 of the analysis textbook. The opening paragraph is SO Johnny.

I’ve taken some of the best/easiest to follow snippets and provide them here, I hope you enjoy them as much as I have:

“Da fuq”.

Oh thank god.

At least he admits when he’s being sloppy.

God, I wish more math textbooks read like this.

And last but not least, my absolute favorite part, the opening to the chapter on integration.