I HATE that I NEED guys in my life. I don't feel comfortable or complete unless I'm talking to one on a daily basis. Yeah, I have plenty of girlfriends but guys are just so comforting to me and I can't explain it. I don't want to be like this. I don't want to have to depend on someone to feel okay. I want to be strong and independent but my feelings won't let me do that. I love the idea of a guy being there for me and caring about me and my feelings. They make me feel so safe and loved and I hate it

It's so fucking hard and frustrating to have a "family" that doesn't support or listen to you. My dad doesn't want me to go to college because he doesn't want me to leave and today he said he didn't go to college and he's just fine but this isn't your fucking decade anymore where you don't need a college degree. By the time I've graduated from college I'll need to get a degree in able to have a stable job. I don't WANT to work construction all my life like you do, I want to do something I enjoy! And whenever you say stuff like that to me it makes me feel so guilty and want to leave less but I NEED to get out of here because I HATE this fucking household. I will literally go insane and snap. Then my mom over here who won't let me get a tattoo when I turn 18. It's extremely meaningful to me but she won't listen at all. STOP BEING SUCH A FUCKING PRUDE ABOUT EVERY LITTLE THING. She is honestly the most judge mental person that I know and it makes me so angry! She does so much for my younger siblings and nothing for me! She spends so much money on them for things they need help with and I get fucking nothing. I come home from work with no food and she wouldn't let me get a tutor this year for math when she goes and spends thousands of dollars every year on my fucking dumbass brother because he's "special needs" which doesn't mean shit in his case. He gets away with everything. Don't they fucking realize everything is their fault? You raise me to live on my own and when it's time to go you say you aren't gonna help me pay for college. I didn't even get the fucking sex talk so I went and had sex and it was the most uncomfortable thing of my life. But I can only imagine what the conversation would be like. You'd blame me and probably kick me out when it's ALL YOUR FAULT. You didn't teach me shit so I was curious and found out for myself. The only thing you told me was wait until marriage and look what good that did me. You didn't say anything about protection or who to have sex with. You just threw me out into public school with no knowledge of anything but now you don't wanna throw me into the real world? THAT MAKES A LOT OF FUCKING SENSE.

"Forget shit and move on." I've seen a picture of this quote reblogged thousands of times and to be honest, I've reblogged it myself. But now it just frustrates me. I don't like it anymore. I don't think you should just forget shit and then move on with your life. Everything that happens to you is a life lesson and either teaches you about yourself or other people. Shit is really important a lot of the time so I don't think it's a good idea to forget it. For example, I have a girl who goes to my school named Tori and I guess she's my friend. We don't hang out outside of school but we talk sometimes. A lot of the time on twitter she gets really sad about things like her relationship or just other drama and I know she suffers with depression. Most of the time when I see her tweets like that I'll text her to make sure that she's okay and if she needs any support. About a month ago though this kid walks into one of my classes (that I have with tori) and I start to get extremely anxious and uncomfortable. You see, I used to have this same class with this kid who is making me anxious. His name is Nahjai. I actually switched out of my original class because of Nahjai. He was extremely mean and rude and was constantly making fun of me and calling me out in front of the whole class as they laughed at me. It's really not a good feeling and I couldn't take it anymore. So when he walked in I just kept mumbling to my friend about how I hated him and wanted him to leave and Tori heard me and started saying things like "you need to stop letting other people control your life and how you feel" or "who care? Just forget it" and I got SO mad. She has no idea what he put me through. I can't help that I feel like shit whenever he's around because of how he humiliated me multiple times. I also found it very hypocritical of Tori to say something like that because she's always letting other people control how she feels based on her tweets. I'm still very aggravated about it. That is one example/reason of why I don't like the term, "forget shit and move on". This made me realize that 1. I'm not going to forget how Nahjai treated me and how affected I am every time I see him and 2. What kind of a support system Tori is. Whenever she's feeling down I never judge her and tell her stop letting people control me. But if she's going to do that, I really don't want to be there for her. I don't think I should forget this because it's important. In fact I should remember it and then move on so I know in the future what to expect and now I know the kind of person she is.

It's really FUCKING annoying how nowadays when you tell someone how you feel about them it's considered creepy and weird instead of appreciative and caring. Seriously what the fuck? I was just letting you know that you mean a lot and I'm really grateful to have you in my life and instead you just don't talk to me. THIS STUPID FUCKING SOCIETY WHO'S OBSESSED WITH THEMSELVES SO THEY THINK EVERYONE ELSE IS OBSESSED WITH THEM TOO.

DON'T FUCKING ASK ME FOR DIRECTIONS AND THEN TELL ME IM WRONG YOU STUPID FUCKING BITCH

I deliberately get up early and wait until my dad leaves to go downstairs so I can avoid everyone and my fucking mom decides to come downstairs and talk to me anyways just to tell me AGAIN I'm dumb. LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE

SCHOOL SHOULDN'T MAKE PEOPLE WANT TO DIE! this is one fucked up education system we've got. it doesn't test intelligence at all, it tests your memory. and it's really fucking stressful that what you do for 4 years determines how the rest of your life will play out and there are no do overs. IM SO FUCKING DONE

I'm also pretty fed up with my fourth hour. But then again I've been fed up with them since the beginning. The main problem is there's 4 popular hockey players in there who hate me for no reason and this dick named Tommy who's SUCH a fucking try hard who also hates me but idc because I would probably kill tommy if I could. Anyways, the other day I called Brexton and idiot in front of everyone cause he got something wrong or something but in all honesty, I don't feel one bit bad. He deserved it because he is the one going around texting girls trying to "get with them" and when they turn him down he calls them cunts, makes fun of their noses, calls them whores, says their boyfriend is ugly. He is such a douche bag so I didn't feel bad. Oh and when I confronted him about it he denied it both times. Anyways so after I said that everyone say stuff I guess, I wasn't paying attention and the teacher was like "be nice" and I should have said "no. Not to him" but unfortunately I didn't so I just looked dumb but one of the hockey guys was like "Brexton I think you're smart" and I didn't hear but then I guess Brexton went "no one likes you" LIKE ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! DITTO NO ONE FUCKING LIKES YOU, YOU DOUCHE LORD. ugh I'm SOOO done with that class. I hate it and I hate everyone in there and it just makes me so mad

Hahaha I cannot wait to be done with school. The only thing I'll miss is choir basically. My 2nd hour sucks because half of the room is popular kids and they're all judgmental as fuck. If they aren't popular kids then it's kids wanting to be popular so they make fun of other people in front of the popular kids. For instance, there's this girl Maria and I'm on okay terms with her. I haven't really hated her in a while but she sits diagonally behind this really popular girl named Katie and whenever someone asks or says something that she thinks is dumb she'll just mock what they say and act like its the stupidest thing she's ever heard to impress people. STOP BEING A FUCKING BITCH. just because someone isn't as smart as you, doesn't mean they're dumb! Every time it happens I regret calling her out on it. I really should ugh

I want to just sit down with you or lie down with you for an entire night and open up to you about everything I've gone through and why I am the way I am. I want to show and tell you all of my insecurities and know that you'll never tell anyone. unfortunately I know that will never happen because you won't want to and you won't care.

reasons I don't date: no one can handle what an emotionally unstable, sensitive, annoying mess I really am

people think I'm so confident and carefree because I seem like I don't let things bother me on the outside and don't hide a lot. little do they know how much I actually hide. how easily I can cry. how sensitive I really am. how insecure about every part of my body I am. but coming off as confident and strong makes you less of a target and makes it seem like people can't mess with you. but when they do, it really fucks you up mentally and gets you thinking about every little thing.