A Most Precarious Journey

Ive felt very nostalgic today, I looked up people I went to high school with to see how they’re doing. I graduated in 2016, can you believe? The cliche still stands, it feels like only yesterday I graduated. Usually nostalgia would make me panic and cry and cling to something temporary but I can smile and think of the memories I shared with people. I do still cry when I think of my old friends, like I don’t deserve their presence in my life now but who knows. Maybe therapy will help me with these feelings. It’s so weird, dismantling the things you cling to as truth. Coming to terms the things that used to gouge you hollow and realizing that it doesn’t hurt that much when you face it head on rather than ignoring it.

I miss my three best friends and our circle of friends we had in high school and college but sometimes there’s no repairing a damaged thread. Sometimes you just gotta let the thing unravel. And sometimes you let the skin heal before you can go play again. I hope and will work towards the future where we can come together again, even as acquaintances.

I’m still very much in love with A, I’m working on being a better person, someone who can communicate and think through things before assuming things. I hope I can make him happy, he deserves so much happiness in his life. I also want to be able to show him my worst and not fear the abandonment I always believe is around the corner. The fear that makes me want to abandon him first before he can do it to me. But I need to have faith in our relationship and trust him, in his feelings and intelligence and that he’ll be honest with me when it matters. I don’t mind him lying to me if it’s about my cooking, how attractive I look in general, or if he wants to join in my activities that don’t appeal to him. I just want him to be honest about his feelings, his wants, and what future he wants, whether or not I’m in it.

With my time of the month now logged into the books where I can get prepared for it, I need to hold off on incorporating new foods into my diet during that week and a few days after because I can’t tell if I’ve been throwing up because of the food I’m eating or because my body is experiencing hormones and such. The emotional part is easy to tell why, but I had been waking up coughing and with the need to throw up (which I usually do minutes if not seconds after waking up) for the last three or four nights. I had this before soon after surgery, which I started taking medication for to ease the stomach acid building up and was working until now. If anyone is reading this and concerned, don’t be. If it continues past this week, I’ll head into my surgeons office and ask them to look into it but for today I will be having soup (nothing spicy or sour, just mild soup, what some might call dull) and possibly mashed potatoes or protein shakes to not irritate my stomach too much. I’ll also have my last meal at 7:30 at the latest and head to bed at 10 just so my stomach can properly digest it with enough time to do so.

I’ve been more active in my job, more passionate I believe so. There’s lots of things we’re planning for and events to do but so little of us. I’ve been able to keep myself somewhat active at work, with walking to the nearby store or restaurants to get lunch or for the hell of it. I’ve found myself at times making excuses to get up and walk around or to do something such as lifting or carrying. There are still times when I feel like I don’t want to get up to do something, whether it’s getting up to grab a remote or change the laundry or what have you, but for different reasons than in the past. If there’s talk of going somewhere that’s relatively close by, such as a store down the street or a 6 minute walk, I feel a preference to walk it rather than drive it. I don’t know, does that make sense?

I’ve gotten closer to A’s family I feel like. I partook in an event with them, a local outing and dinner afterwards, and I’ve been spending more time with my dads family, I’m actually going out of the country for a few days to visit my aunt and cousins on his side and I’m super excited. On my moms side, I don’t feel like my relationship has changed much. I love that side of my family, they’re wonderful and kind people, but I kind of always felt like they were ashamed of me. I thought that if I lost weight because of this surgery they would treat me differently, nothing major just slight differences but I’m not sure. I do want to plan a trip to see my moms side in person, I miss my baby cousins and my grandparents and my aunts, but I’m not too sure when I’d be able to go.

A and I are dating, I try communicating more and being more upfront about what I want and what I think. We spend time together at his place and I got to see his younger cousins who I missed so much. They’re wonderful young women now (they were in middle school when he and I were starting to date but now the youngest is in high school). I helped them decorate their grandmothers house and I also spent little time with his dad.

A bought me a necklace when we went to a jewelry trunk show, it’s beautiful and was expensive (for our budget - it was like 2700 but we got it for 800). It has alexandrites and a tiny Diamond on top and I love it, I just gotta find the perfect chain for it. Alexandrite is a color changing stone, where the color shown goes from greenish/blue to a purple/reddish. Mine turned ruby red under UV light and looks green in daylight. In candle light it looks more blue.

I mean I feel okay with the foods I’ve been eating, I’m being accustomed to the tiny portions I can eat and being better understanding that my portion of soup will look different than my portion of mashed potatoes or cheese or Greek yogurt and definitely different than my portion of meat.

At my last appointment with my surgeon, she wanted me to up my exercise (seeing as how I’ve been few and far in between with that, mostly focusing on the eating habits and shizz) to do one hour walks at a fast pace daily. I want to build up my stamina mostly, to be able to take long walks and explore cities or be able to walk around in amusement parks without having to take too many breaks. My body is starting to slow down in how quickly I’m losing weight (I’m at 208 last I weighed myself) and I think now is the right time to add exercise to my habits. It’ll kick what little I’m eating into energy and maybe also keep my metabolism on it’s toes so it doesn’t slow down even more.

Mentally I’m swinging low, if that makes sense. I’m doing okay, getting back to work with reports and workshops and shizz. Food wise I get crazy cravings from time to time (mostly sushi, which was my most favorite binge meal {There’s this place on Monday’s where they would have 2$ hand rolls and I would buy 5 California hand rolls and three chicken teriyaki hand rolls and eat them all in the car and if it wasn’t Mondays I would go to this poke bowl place across the street and get a large bowl with double crab, four scoops of shrimp, masago, corn, green onion, ginger, and lots of spicy mayo and miso sauce}). I watch those mukbang videos, of people eating lots of food but I kind of wish I would’ve taken a video in one of my binge meals. I think it would’ve solidified how much I was actually eating. Maybe I’ll make a post of stuff I would eat in a binge meal, with trigger warnings of course.

It also sucks majorly cause I get thirsty a lot but I can’t drink water whenever I want because that’s why I’ve been throwing up. So like a feral creature I hold water in my mouth until it gets hydrated again and then spit the water back in my bottle cause it’s good drinking water and we don’t waste around the house. I really miss the textures though, the crunchy lettuce, crispy bread, juicy tomatoes, chewy chicken, moist fall apart steak. And along with the textures I miss the complex tastes, how they build on top of each other and explode. All the liquids I’ve had are either monotone (chocolate protein shakes, cherry zero sugar drink enhancer, fruit juice popsicles, chicken broth, etc) and it gets so boring. Drinking water is more fun than drinking those cause at least the water tastes different depending on whose house i drink at.

I have some names of therapists in town (the town I work, not live). I’m thinking of contacting one and getting a feel for therapy. I’m looking for those who focus on binge eating or I guess eating disorders because that’s what I would do when I had free reign. I don’t want to slip back into the same cycle, same bad habits. I want to be better. So I’m going to work on myself, and hopefully get my shit halfway sorted. Just tryna live with the mindset of “Your legacy doesn’t have to be the pain others have you” or something. I’m still trying to decipher what I mean.

I can walk around good right now and I can sleep fine (I think I still need my sleep machine though, but we will see). This is so much harder than I thought was gonna happen. Everyone was telling me that the hardest part was being on clear liquids for the couple days before surgery but throwing up everything and having been stuck with a needle over three days just makes me wanna shower and sleep for a whole week. I’m sticking by my decision though, it’s too late to go back and I can only push through, gotta see this shit to the end. I know at the end of this is going to be a healthier relationship with food and my body. If things get really bad I can just go back to the hospital (thank you Lordy for insurance and saving up money beforehand 😅)

I’ve been walking around the house tonight, walking is suppose to help speed up the healing process and I’m hoping it’ll ease the inflammation or get my body digesting things again.