Another night another dream but always you

Nie Mingjue, at twelve, is objectively the coolest, most interesting person that Lan Xichen has ever met. He’s tall, and he’s strong, and his cultivation is amazing, and he knows everything about everything, and most incredible of all, he thinks that Lan Huan worthy of hanging out with him while the adults discuss their affairs. By the end of the first day, they’re friends. By the second, they’re best friends. By the third, Lan Huan feels safe enough with Nie Mingjue to ask him if people in his family are also born with a Mark on their wrist.

“Everyone has one,” Nie Mingjue retorts, clearly puzzled by the question. “From the lowest beggar to the emperor himself.”

Having suspected it was just something cultivators had, Lan Huan is surprised by that answer. But then, it’s not as if he really knows anyone who doesn’t cultivate, except for servants… and he’s not supposed to chat with them, is he?

“What do they mean?” Lan Huan asks. “They can’t be just random, right? If they weren’t important, it wouldn’t matter whether other people saw them or not, right?”

Nie Mingjue’s eyes become round as saucers and Lan Huan, to his horror and shame, feels like he’s suddenly not quite as cool anymore in his new friend’s opinion. But even that tells him something important. It tells him that it’s weird he doesn’t know these things.

“Haven’t your parents told you that?” Nie Mingjue asks, a little uncomfortable. “Your mom at least? My mother told me when I was maybe five or six. I think Huaisang learned when he was four, just because he's so nosy.”

“I’ve been told it’s rude to speak about it,” Lan Huan replies, brushing over the fact that since he so rarely saw his mother, he didn't want to bother her with such things, least of all after that she’d fallen ill. And now… Now, he'll never get a chance to ask her anything.

“But it’s stupid if you don’t know about that,” Nie Mingjue retorts, looking quite upset, though hopefully not at Lan Huan. “Fine, I’ll tell you then. But first… Huaisang! Come out now!”

To Lan Huan’s surprise, a little boy appears behind a decorative vase, looking very upset to have been discovered. Nie Mingjue introduces the boy as his brother, complains at how nosy Nie Huaisang is, how very annoying, then makes him sit with them anyway, grumbling that it’ll be good for Nie Huaisang get another lesson on that topic. 

“It’s pretty simple anyway,” Nie Mingjue assures them. “Everyone has a perfect cultivation partner somewhere, someone fated for them. Everyone, even simple folks. And on your wrist is the very last thing they’ll ever say to you. And they have the very last thing you say to them.”

“Oh,” Lan Huan says.

Immediately he remembers hearing that his father was rendered almost insane with grief at the death of his wife. He also remembers overhearing a conversation between his uncle and an elder, about his father being enraged and trying to burn off his mark, and how it showed that he’d really been wrong all along. The words didn't fit, they'd said. 

Lan Huan remembers and, with this new information at hand, promptly decides he might have been better off not knowing so much about his parents’ marriage. 

“I think it’s stupid,” Nie Huaisang says. “I think it should be the first thing they say.”

“Tell that to the Heavens,” his brother snaps at him. “I’m sure they’ll be so impressed by your idea, they’ll change something that has existed for hundreds and hundreds of years.”

“Well, maybe they should!”

“Yes, we should all listen to the great wisdom of Huaisang the Fish Thrower,” Nie Mingjue mocks, only for Nie Huaisang to immediately pinch his lips, his face suddenly pale. “Hey, Xichen, you have a little brother too, right? Is he as bad as mine?”

“Lan Zhan can be difficult,” Lan Huan concedes. “He bites, sometimes.”

Although Nie Huaisang giggles at that answer, his brother is undeterred. 

“But he’s clever, right?”

Lan Huan nods. Lan Zhan is smart enough, for a boy of six. He doesn’t talk a lot, and he doesn’t play with other children, and he absolutely hates hugs or any touch, but he is very good at school, and all the teachers praise him for being even smarter than Lan Huan, the smartest and most skilled student they've ever had. It’s fine. Lan Huan doesn’t feel upset by the comparison, because jealousy is bad.

He doesn’t feel upset at all.

“Well, I wish Huaisang were smart,” Nie Mingjue continues. “Do you know, just last year he thought he could make a carp turn into a dragon by helping it jump over a waterfall? He tried so hard, too. I guess his perseverance can be admired, if not his brain.”

“I had to test it out!” Nie Huaisang whines. “I had to see if the legend was true, right?”

Nie Huaisang, face red, turns to Lan Huan, a pleading expression on his face. He looks a little cute, but mostly very pathetic.

“Well? Was it true?”

“I… I don’t know,” Nie Huaisang grumbles, blushing heavily and near tears.

“Yes you do,” Nie Mingjue scoffs. “You tried many times, and nothing happened. You know it’s just a story. And he got scolded for hurting Mother’s prized carps, too,” Nie Mingjue tell Lan Xichen. “But really, he had it coming. I'd told him it wasn’t real, but he never listens to me.”

At this point, Nie Huaisang gets too embarrassed to put up with it anymore. He jumps to his feet, kicks his brother’s knee, then runs away without another word, probably to be comforted by his mother if Nie Mingjue is to be trusted. Nie Huaisang is just a cry-baby, his brother claims, and very thin faced as well.

That last statement must be true, because Lan Huan doesn’t see Nie Huaisang again for the rest of his stay in the Unclean Realm, not until it is time to leave. Then Nie Huaisang is forced to say goodbye to their guests but, perhaps still bitter that Lan Huan didn't take his side on the matter of those poor carps, Nie Huaisang absolutely refuses to say a single word to him. Not that Lan Huan cares, nor indeed does he notice until his uncle remarks on it.

All that matters to Lan Huan is that Nie Mingjue asked if they could write to each other, and said he hoped they could continue being friends.

2

Lan Xichen is quite surprised to see Nie Huaisang in Nightless City. Nie Mingjue rarely ever bothers with bringing his brother to conferences. He fears for Nie Huaisang’s safety, he says. 

It may also be because he is a little embarrassed whenever other sect leaders boast about their heirs and he never has anything good to say about his brother, as he once complained to Lan Xichen. Which is a little harsh, really. Nie Huaisang might not be a great scholar, or a great martial artist, and he certainly is a very pitiful cultivator, but he has other qualities. Lan Xichen, for one, enjoys his company on occasions, though he has to admit he wouldn’t have wanted him for a brother. With how troublesome Lan Wangji can be, it is terrifying to imagine handling someone even less docile.

It is another surprise to find out that Nie Huaisang has joined that archery contest organised for junior cultivators. He doesn't do terribly well, as Lan Xichen later finds out, but he still scored better than anyone expected, and Nie Mingjue shouldn't have much to complain about. 

Lan Xichen can only wish his own performance had been so unremarkable. 

In different circumstances, he may have been more careful. Pride matters, but he isn't foolish enough to purposefully provoke the Wens. But then, the Wens themselves were so sure of their superiority. And having organised that archery contest, it seemed obvious that they must have among their rank some incredible archers. Wen Ruohan does not have the reputation of a man who leaves room for mistakes. So Lan Xichen went into that arena without fear, and shot down targets without restraints. He can't deny he found the challenge fun, and lost track of things. 

It wasn't until the contest ended, until the winners were announced, that he realised the Wens’ arrogance has been utterly unearned. Lan Xichen won, with his brother taking second place, and Wei Wuxian third. 

This won't end well. 

Nobody says anything, but Lan Xichen sees that thought echoed on the faces of every adult around him. Even Wen Chao, rarely worthy of pity, appears to realise that he has failed his father in losing so shamefully. Lan Xichen would not like to be in his place. 

Lan Xichen is not particularly thrilled to be in his own place, either. 

As soon as there's a chance during the great banquet that follows the contest, Lan Xichen escapes. He needs some quiet so he can think and fully grasp what has happened. He dares not go very far, but still finds a silent garden, where the banquet is nothing more than a murmur in the distance. 

He's not the only one to have escaped there. Lan Xichen soon spots three silhouettes in the dark. Before he can decide whether to avoid them or not, one of them notices him and waves at him. 

“Lan gongzi, here you are, the man who doomed us all!” Wei Wuxian exclaims. 

Lan Xichen stops in his track. So it isn't just his impression. That archery contest was a mess, one which will likely have dire consequences, and others have noticed it too. 

Or have they? In spite of his gloomy words, Wei Wuxian's mood isn't bad. At his side Jiang Wanyin is upset but certainly not worried. As for Nie Huaisang, he's positively glowing. 

“May I know what I have done to deserve such hard words?” Lan Xichen asks as he get closer again, a smile on his lips. 

“Well, you won that contest of course! I really thought I'd take first place.”

Lan Xichen laughs. 

“I did not take Wei gongzi to be a sore loser. Besides, third place is far from shameful.”

“Maybe, but I'd bet some money on winning,” Wei Wuxian explains. “So had other people too.”

“Not me,” Jiang Wanyin intervenes. “I was sure you'd mess it up. I just didn't expect Jin Zixuan to do so poorly. Nobody ever told me the Twin Jades of Gusu Lan were such skilled archers.”

“The game involved as much luck as skill,” Lan Xichen replies to soothe bruised egos.

“Oh, don't give us that nonsense,” Nie Huaisang says. “Xichen-ge is the best, that's all. Nobody else could have done it. Wangji came close, sure, but his temper ruined things for him. He really should work on that, or it'll cause problems someday!” 

That is not untrue, and Lan Xichen is sincerely worried that Wangji's actions will cause issues. It's bad enough the Wens didn't win. But the fact that Wangji beat all of them even though he had to quit partway through the competition… That humiliation will not be forgotten. 

“And who did you bet on, Huaisang?” Lan Xichen asks, mostly to avoid lingering on grim thoughts. 

“I dare not say,” Nie Huaisang coyly replied. 

Cute and humble is not a bad look on him, and his blush certainly has a boyish charm. Before Lan Xichen can delve on that unexpected thought, Wei Wuxian bursts out laughing, offering a welcome distraction. 

“He's only saying that because he bet on Lan gongzi and won,” Wei Wuxian informs him. “He made a pretty profit, too. I think he made bets with everyone willing to gamble. Didn't you make a fortune, Nie-xiong?” 

Nie Huaisang's blush deepens, but he seems more pleased than embarrassed. Lan Xichen can't help it and laughs again. 

“Is that true?” he asks Nie Huaisang with an indulgent smile. 

“I don't know!” the other boy replies with cheerful insolence. 

Lan Xichen's lips lift against his will, his face gets a little warmer. He wants to insist, but doesn't get the chance. Seeing his brother come their way, Nie Huaisang darts away, dragging Wei Wuxian with him, who grabs Jiang Wanyin, who can only follow them. They take with them what little joy there is to be had that day. One glance at Nie Mingjue tells Lan Xichen that unlike those carefree boys, he understands the magnitude of what happened during that contest. 

They cannot speak of it. Not here, in enemy territory. But they both know something is coming. 

Instead of the doom they can see on the horizon, the two friends walk together and chat about inconsequential things. The food at the banquet. The entertainment offered to them. The bets people took over every event of the day. 

On that topic, Nie Mingjue has much to complain about. Lan Xichen learns that Wei Wuxian has, if anything, downplayed things when he said Nie Huaisang did well for himself. As Nie Mingjue learned from parents complaining that their sons were robbed, Nie Huaisang poured all of his savings, down to the very last coin, on his bets that Lan Xichen would win. He will be as rich as a Jin, assuming everyone pays up… Which most of them won't do.

Betting so extravagantly is a ridiculous thing to do, of course, and one for which Nie Huaisang ought to be scolded. Gambling is a terrible habit. And yet, Lan Xichen is more pleased than he would ever care to admit. Nie Huaisang has organised various little traffics during his days in the Cloud Recesses, all of which were quite successful. His personal savings must have amounted to a small fortune, even accounting for his bad spending habits. To risk it all simply because he trusts Lan Xichen… it is a high compliment.

Lan Xichen refuses to wonder why it pleases him that Nie Huaisang thinks so highly of his skills. He can feel that some inconvenient realisation will threaten his peace of mind if he digs too deep. It's better to simply tell himself he is happy of the indirect compliment, and think of it no more. 

3

They have almost reached the gate of the Unclean realm when five Nie elders intercept them. Lan Xichen looks at Jin Guangyao, and finds him looking back at him. Without a word they both glance at Nie Huaisang, standing miserably between them in his mourning robes. 

Lan Xichen steps forward to shield him, while behind him Guangyao puts one arm on the poor man's back to support him. 

“Is something the matter?” Lan Xichen asks, as polite as he could manage. 

Whatever those elders want, he hates that they've waited for him and Jin Guangyao to be leaving to approach them. Did they hope they would both be in such a hurry to go home that they'd more readily agree to any requests? It shows those old men don't know them. 

And yet as unpleasant as this ambush is, at least they are involving Nie Mingjue's sworn brother in whatever matter is on their mind. Better that than to wait for a chance to catch poor Huaisang alone, and intimidate him while his only friends are far away. He's taken his brother's death awfully. Of course he has. If it had been Lan Xichen's brother dying before his eyes in such a horrific manner… And at least Wangji's death wouldn't have projected him into sudden responsibilities.

“We have some concerns about Nie zongzhu's succession,” one man announces. “We are not convinced the right choice was made.”

To them, Nie zongzhu still means Nie Mingjue. Lan Xichen resents them for it, while knowing for him too, the title still brings to mind his late friend.

“I'm not sure I understand what you mean,” Lan Xichen replies. “I was not aware there ever was a choice to be made. Da-ge was always very clear that he intended for his brother to follow him at the head of the Nie sect. Has he ever suggested someone else? If so, where is the proof? And why did this person not step forward earlier?”

From the corner of his eye, he sees Nie Huaisang stir a little, straining his neck to pay closer attention to the conversation, now that it interests him. If there is another heir, it makes everything more complicated, and Nie Huaisang is not a man who picks fights he can’t win. Even with his brother, he must have been sure he’d get his way in the end, or he wouldn’t have been so stubborn. And yet, here they are now. Nie Mingjue got what he wanted: his brother became sect leader after him.

“Nobody has ever been formally named, Zewu-Jun,” the elder admits. “But you know as we do that Nie zongzhu was not well toward the end. His judgement may have been affected by his declining health. Otherwise, he might have reconsidered his choice, and selected some more competent to lead us. Shared blood is not always enough to make a desirable sect leader.”

That they would dare to insult Nie Huaisang to his face shocks Lan Xichen, but it does not surprise him. Nie Huaisang is well liked by younger disciples and even by those of his own generation, but the older Nie, those who have lived under Huaisang and Mingjue's father, have nothing but contempt for that man’s delicate second son. 

Glancing behind, Lan Xichen finds Nie Huaisang fighting tears, and Jin Guangyao faring nearly as bad. Of course poor Nie Huaisang would be upset. Even someone as easy going as him has his pride. As for Jin Guangyao, considering his situation… 

Jin Guangyao too has been told that blood isn’t enough to rule. He is currently his father's heir, but only until a better option can be found. And it will be found, if Jin Guangshan has his way. He's been looking all over for other bastards he had until then neglected, and even brought one or two to Lanling. 

Even if Jin Guangshan dies this very night without naming another heir, would the people of his sect also question Jin Guangyao's right to rule? 

“At no point in recent months did Da-ge appear to me any less coherent and sound of mind than usual,” Lan Xichen firmly states, angry on behalf of both his friends. “I will not say I don't understand your doubts. You have become used to a certain style of leadership, and know things will change. But do you not think Da-ge himself knew this as well? Do you believe he was too stupid to notice that his brother is a different man from himself? And yet during all his years at the head of the Nie sect he always insisted that his brother would inherit after him. I have heard some of you call Nie Mingjue the greatest leader this sect ever had. Should you not respect him enough to also believe he had hopes for the future of Qinghe Nie? Can you not trust that he knew what he was doing? That he chose his brother because he knew Huaisang had much to bring to this sect?”

One by one, Lan Xichen glares at the Nie elders. He expects some resistance. They are all stubborn men, everyone in that sect is. But none of them can withstand his gaze, and they all meekly lower their heads. 

Anger gives way to pity. If they have disrespected their new sect leader, it is only because they admired the previous one so intensely. They too feel that deep loss, and Lan Xichen ought not to resent them. 

He will not, as long as they learn to treat Nie Huaisang with respect. 

The elders apologise for doubting Nie Mingjue's wisdom, though not for insulting their new sect leader, and leave the three men to their goodbyes. It is with renewed energy that Lan Xichen and Jin Guangyao encourage Nie Huaisang to turn to them if he has the slightest difficulty. They were his brother's friends. They are his as well, and want to see him thrive in his new position. 

Nie Huaisang nods along. Maybe if Lan Xichen had not intervened, he would have gladly abdicated in favour of any cousin the elders found worthier. He might have been happier that way. But like Lan Xichen, he was born for this role and he must do his duty. 

“It's a nice speech you made about what Da-ge wanted, Er-ge,” Nie Huaisang flatly remarks, wiping some lingering tears with the back of his hand. “But… was it true?” 

“I don't know,” Lan Xichen admits. 

Even Nie Mingjue sometimes doubted that his brother could truly lead their sect. Had he not been so worried about his health, he would have married and passed the burden to another. 

But Nie Huaisang is clever, Lan Xichen knows that. At least, he's clever when he wants to be, and why wouldn't he want it now? The legacy of his forefathers, of his brother, rests on his shoulders. 

Lan Xichen believes in Nie Huaisang. 

He just wishes Nie Huaisang believed in himself a little more. 

Filled with doubts, Lan Xichen dares not say anything more. He doesn't have to. Jin Guangyao quickly intervenes and offers all the encouraging certainty his sworn brother cannot dispense without lying. Not that Jin Guangyao trusts Nie Huaisang more than Lan Xichen does. The opposite, most likely. But between them Jin Guangyao is the one who best knows how to convince people to act as they ought to.

It works. Nie Huaisang stops crying, and accepts to let them go. He thanks Jin Guangyao for his trust, for his promises to help.

To Lan Xichen he says nothing. Overcome with emotion once more, Nie Huaisang only takes his both hands and silently holds them. Lan Xichen understands what words can't express. He squeezes Nie Huaisang's hands until the other man lets go.

Da-ge is gone, but the three of them are still there. They still have one another, and nothing can take that from them. 

4

The coincidence is too extraordinary to not feel like fate had a hand in it.

It is so rare for Lan Xichen to travel alone. Whenever he leaves Gusu he is usually accompanied by older disciples on a way to a complex Night Hunt, or by disciples who need a chance to learn, or by his uncle when he goes to conferences, or… but he is alone that night when he steps into that inn. The two disciples who’d traveled with him had to stay behind to finish dealing with a haunting, while urgent business demanded he make his way home immediately. The distance being too great even for him, he chose to stop for the night.

There is only another guest in that inn when he enters, and his face is so familiar Lan Xichen would know it across a crowd. Nie Huaisang notices him immediately, and is equally shocked that they should meet there of all places.

As soon as he recovers from his surprise, Nie Huaisang invites Lan Xichen to join him for dinner. The food is quite decent, he tells him, but the wine is truly exceptional.

As a rule, Lan Xichen doesn’t drink. The rules of his sect forbid it. More than that, he knows from experience that he gets tipsy rather quickly, and that he gets a little too cheerful when that happens. Nie Mingjue, the only one to ever witness him in that state, often teased him for it. But there is nobody in that inn who might mock him, no one except Nie Huaisang who smiles so brightly as he praises the quality of the wine.

Surely a glass can’t hurt.

The wine is just as pleasant as Nie Huaisang claimed. It has a light burn, but a fruity taste that stays on the tongue. Immediately Lan Xichen feels a little light headed, though that might have less to do with the alcohol, and more with the delighted way Nie Huaisang stares at him. It is so rare to see him look happy these days, and it is a shame. Nie Huaisang is a stunningly handsome man when he cares to smile.

Lan Xichen knows himself too well to accept a second glass, but other rules can be more safely broken. As they eat, Lan Xichen chats with Nie Huaisang about unimportant things, gossip, rumours, small events in the Nie sect, anything Nie Huaisang finds worth sharing with him. It is nice, sometimes, to speak of nothing important. Or perhaps it is just nice to listen to someone pretty.

Warm and relaxed from the wine, Lan Xichen finds Nie Huaisang a most fascinating conversationalist.

“And Nie Qiao is getting married next month,” Nie Huaisang says while putting some dumplings on his plate. “I pity the girl who must deal with him.”

“Do you think he’ll make a poor husband?” Lan Xichen asks, almost more interested in these things than he’d care to admit. He has so few occasions to see married couples interact at home, making all sorts of gossip on that topic tantalising and exotic.

“Oh, I don’t know, I don’t know, I really don’t know!” Nie Huaisang exclaims. “It’s just that he’s not easy. But then, I’ve heard that she has her own temper. Maybe they’re well matched? I don’t know.”

Lan Xichen smiles at him. “Do you think they are fated?”

“I know that least of all!” Nie Huaisang whines. “May we never know until another fifty years have passed! I don’t know, and I don’t want to know. I really wish we weren’t all cursed with these marks. They’re a bother. But I suppose they must have their use, right? Oh, I just don’t know…”

Unable to restrain himself any longer, Lan Xichen laughs. This earns him a startled look. If Nie Huaisang rarely smiles these days, the same could be said about Lan Xichen laughing. And yet he can’t help it.

“I was just thinking… that is, it’s interesting you should speak like that, because… It’s not easy to explain. Of course you don’t know. That’s what makes it funny.”

Nie Huaisang frowns in confusion. Realising he’s not making any sense, Lan Xichen decides to throw caution to the winds. He extends his arm above the table and carefully pulls on the layers of fabrics that cover it to reveal naked skin. There, inked on his flesh since the moment he was born, are three characters: “I don’t know”.

Nie Huaisang shivers and blushes, staring at Lan Xichen’s arm with round eyes. 

A part of Lan Xichen hopes, against all propriety. He dares not allow himself to admit for what, until those hopes are dashed. 

“That's funny indeed,” Nie Huaisang mildly says as he opens his fan, and then changes the topic. 

Lan Xichen took a risk. He received a non-answer for it… But he's known Nie Huaisang long enough to understand the nuances in his avoidance of a clear answer. 

In this case, Lan Xichen has been politely but firmly turned down. 

It is for the best. They both need heirs, which means a wife, marriage, and Lan Xichen can admit to himself that he would not be comfortable treating his eventual wife so callously. 

Huaisang is handsome, in a wasting manner, and clever when he forgets to be insecure, but he cannot keep secrets. If they were to become involved, as Lan Xichen had foolishly hoped they might, half the cultivators around them would know before next spring. Certainly Jin Guangyao would know, and Lan Xichen would rather avoid that. The Jin sect is old fashioned regarding those things, and Jin Guangyao in particular has had bad experiences with other men, and Lan Xichen knows that an affair with Nie Huaisang would cast suspicion on his friendship with Jin Guangyao, and… 

“Er-ge, are you even listening?” Nie Huaisang pouts. 

Er-ge was not, busy convincing himself he is glad of that rejection.

Nie Huaisang doesn't take it personally, and simply repeats his anecdote about sect leader Yao boasting that he subdued a very powerful ghost and expecting Nie Huaisang to praise him for it. A familiar occurrence, the man is insufferable. Nie Huaisang likely chose that particular story as a peace offering after his rejection. He knows Lan Xichen only tolerates sect leader Yao out of politeness, and complaining against him has long been a favourite topic between them. 

But Lan Xichen is just too distracted tonight to be entertained by nonsense. 

“Was it true?” Lan Xichen he asks without thinking. 

Nie Huaisang snorts. “I don't know.”

They both tense at the words. Nie Huaisang stares at Lan Xichen as if suddenly scared of the other man. 

It was a mistake to share his mark. These things are meant to stay private for a reason, Lan Xichen now understands. To suggest that Nie Huaisang might be fated for him… What was he thinking? 

Silence lingers between them. Lan Xichen ought to say something, reassure the other man, explain that he knows, he understands, of course it isn't, of course they are not… And yet he cannot force the words out.

The innkeeper comes to their rescue without knowing what a great service he’s doing them. He approaches the table to ask if they need more food, more wine perhaps. Lan Xichen thanks him but assures him they’ve had enough of both. More than enough, if he’s honest. The innkeeper starts taking away their empty dishes, and insists on chatting while he does so. He’s noticed their cultivators, and wants to know what business they have in that area. Lan Xichen is quick to assure him that he is only passing by.

No such comfort can be offered by Nie Huaisang. Without Lan Xichen noticing, Nie Huaisang has slipped away and disappeared into his room. He doesn’t leave it all night, and in the morning he’s gone long before Lan Xichen wakes up.

The message could not be clearer, and Lan Xichen promises to himself he’ll never say another word on that subject.

5

Inside the temple, there is agitation, noise, people sharing the story of what just happened. 

Outside the temple, there is Lan Xichen. 

He knows he ought to help. Nie Mingjue was his sworn brother, his dear friend. He has a duty to help others deal with his coffin.

He once had a duty to protect him from harm, too.

Having failed once, Lan Xichen has no reason to believe he wouldn't fail twice. 

He stands alone in front of the temple, waiting. 

He doesn't know what he's waiting for until Nie Huaisang joins him. He looks different, in the strange light of those last moments before dawn. There is something sharper in his eyes. He is more like Nie Mingjue than Lan Xichen has ever known him to be. 

He slowly turns to look at Lan Xichen and lowers his fan. 

“Well, Er-ge?” 

Even his voice is like his brother's. Was that always hiding somewhere under the tears? 

Is it even truly there at the moment, or is Lan Xichen imagining it, plagued by guilt and regrets? 

“Was it true?” Lan Xichen asks, unsure if he means Jin Guangyao moving, or Wei Wuxian's accusations, or even just the friendship he thought existed between them. 

Nie Huaisang, startled by the question, stares at him for a moment. He then starts laughing, a sound so incongruous after the horrors of this night that Lan Xichen shivers. 

“Yes, of course you'd ask that,” Nie Huaisang sneered. “It seals it, doesn't it? After all, I always knew it would end like this.”

It is Lan Xichen's turn to stare. He doesn't understand. He's not sure he wants to understand. 

The choice is taken out of his hands when Nie Huaisang lifts his sleeve, revealing elegantly traced characters on his skin. His is a very short mark, bearing the exact question Lan Xichen just asked him. 

Lan Xichen nearly breaks into tears. 

He's been betrayed too many times tonight. This new revelation has no right to hurt as much as it does. 

“Er-ge, after everything that has happened, I don't think we're fated to meet again,” Nie Huaisang says, teeth clenched like a beast threatening to bite. “So, regarding that question of yours…”

He pauses, forcing his features into something so full of disdain it can barely be called a smile. 

“I don't know,” Nie Huaisang triumphantly claims. 

He stands there a moment more, his eyes daring Lan Xichen to speak again, to go against their fate. Once, not so long ago, he would have tried. But what would be the point? If this is the end Nie Huaisang has chosen for them, he can accept it. 

Lan Xichen won't be like his father. He won't cling to something that was never his to have. 

His silence is taken by Nie Huaisang for the proof of total defeat that it is. 

Nie Huaisang turns away and goes back inside, to oversee what's being done to his brother's coffin, to spread more lies perhaps. 

Alone in front of that desecrated temple, Lan Xichen looks up at the sky. Dawn is there, bursting with colours after a night of instant storms.

A new start for some. 

An ending for Lan Xichen. 

+1

It is pain that wakes Lan Xichen up, as it has done nearly every morning since winter has come. Old wounds received during the Sunshot Campaign are haunting him. He tries to hide it so others won't worry, but is rarely successful. 

“I'll go prepare your medicine,” a sleepy voice announces from the pillow next to his. “Be good and wait for it.”

“I dare not disobey, and I'm always good,” Lan Xichen claims.

“That's a lie, and we both know it,” Nie Huaisang grumbles, but he's chuckling as he sits up. “You're the worst patient I've ever taken care of. Don't move, or I'll be cross.”

His knees crack when he stands up, and he curses against the state of his spine. Although he's in better shape than Lan Xichen, time is catching up with him too. 

Lan Xichen watches as his lover hobbles away and puts some water to boil over the hearth. Even if his health has gotten so poor these days, Lan Xichen feels lucky to be alive, to share such domesticity with the man he loves. 

Some days, he wonders how it can be true. There was a time when he thought they could never reconcile. A time when he might have refused that reconciliation, had it been offered. Those years after the death of Jin Guangyao were difficult ones. Lan Xichen even got married, just to prove himself he could live just fine without fated love. 

If anyone can be thanked for bringing Nie Huaisang back into his life, it's his wife. She has always been a practical woman, who told him right away that she only wanted to get married so she could escape a difficult life at home. And yet they got along better than most, him in love with someone he couldn't have, her wishing she could have become a scholar and entered the imperial administration. 

Under a pen name, she corresponds with learned men all over the country these days, debating complex points of literature Lan Xichen hardly understands. Meanwhile, Lan Xichen's lover has been openly living with him for nearly twenty years, and a part of his life once more for far longer. 

A strange couple they've made, but they've had a happier marriage than anyone Lan Xichen knows. 

Nie Huaisang comes near again, carrying a tray with some pills, a foul smelling bowl of medicine, and a warm glass of green tea. His hands shake as he puts down the tray, but not as badly as they do some days.

“Let's try to take our medicine without any drama today,” Nie Huaisang patiently says as he picks up a first pill and brings it to Lan Xichen's mouth. “If you're good, you'll get a kiss.”

“Bribery is forbidden,” Lan Xichen retorts, but he swallows the pill anyway. 

Nie Huaisang shoots him a surprised look. A smile graces his wrinkled face. 

“My Huan-er is chatty today,” he lightly notes. “Are we having a good day?” 

“I've had worse,” Lan Xichen says, opening his mouth for another pill. 

It's an understatement. It isn't just Lan Xichen's body that causes him problems. He's been losing track of things for some years now. Small things at first, but these days he struggles to remember the name of his children, of his grandchildren. Once or twice, he's caught himself looking at Nie Huaisang, wondering who that unfamiliar man was, with his wrinkled face and white hair, so unlike the handsome man who lives in his clearer memories.

It's unpleasant to be losing track of things, but sometimes Lan Xichen thinks it hurts Nie Huaisang more than it hurts him. 

Once, when he was not yet as unwell as he's become, Nie Huaisang confessed that he blamed himself for those years apart they wasted. That he should not have been so proud, that he should have trusted Lan Xichen more. That he ached some days, knowing they'd come together so late, that he might lose Lan Xichen soon. 

They'd already reconciled for nearly thirty years by then. In spite of Nie Huaisang's fears, nearly another decade has passed since that day. Of those, only the last two years have been truly difficult. 

They've been lucky. Luckier than either of them had any right to expect, when they've both made so many mistakes. As for their years apart, Lan Xichen can't even regret those. He loves his wife, he is proud of his children, he adores his grandchildren. He even has a great-grandchild due soon. 

Even for the love of Nie Huaisang, he can't wish that things had happened any other way. 

“Will you come back to bed with me?” Lan Xichen asks.

“Are you propositioning me, Huan-er?” Nie Huaisang teases.

“Maybe. Is it working?” 

Nie Huaisang laughs. Everything else about him as change, but not his laugh, nor his smile. Lan Xichen watches him and feels himself falling in love once more.

“We'll see. Drink that medicine, and I'll consider making space in my busy schedule for some cuddling in bed.”

At first Lan Xichen takes it to be a joke. Nie Huaisang doesn't like work, he always finds ways to avoid it… But no, that hasn't been true in years, he suddenly recalls. Nie Huaisang was fairly dependable during the last couple of decades he led Qinghe Nie. Even once he gave up his title in favour of a competent first disciple and retired to the Cloud Recesses, he refused to stay idle. He gives calligraphy and painting lessons to the younger disciples, and often spends hours chatting with Lan Xichen's wife about literature. 

At least he did, before Lan Xichen's health declined too much. These days, Nie Huaisang spends most of his time looking after his ailing lover. 

For this, too, Lan Xichen is grateful. 

All the more so when Nie Huaisang does climb back in bed and snuggles against him. The warmth and closeness make Lan Xichen feel young again. If his bones didn't hurt so much from the cold, making even simple movements a torture, he wouldn't mind getting a little frisky.

Well, this is nice too, more than nice. Lan Xichen is happy, and present enough to be fully aware of that happiness.

“Oh, I did I tell you that Xiaohui came by last night?” Nie Huaisang asks.

Lan Xichen frowns, and shakes his head.

“No. I don't remember seeing him.” 

“You'd fallen asleep,” Nie Huaisang explains. Immediately Lan Xichen relaxes, glad he didn't simply forget. “And you'd had such a bad day, you'd been in so much pain, we didn't want to wake you up. Do you remember that? How you felt yesterday?” 

Lan Xichen doesn't. The pain gets bad that some days blur together. Even if he'd been awake when Lan Xiaohui came, he wouldn't have noticed.

“What did he want?” 

“He brought good news. Meilin has had her baby! It's a little boy. Zewu-jun, you are a great-grandfather!” 

“Already! I thought the baby wasn't due until winter?”

Nie Huaisang says nothing, but quickly pulls Lan Xichen closer. Too close, almost like he's scared Lan Xichen will jump out of bed and run away in the mountains. 

“She's doing well,” Nie Huaisang says, ignoring his question. “The baby too. A very healthy little boy. You'll meet him in one hundred days. The weather will be warmer then, and we'll go to Yunmeng together. It'll be good for your health, as long as you avoid spicy food when we're there.”

“That sounds lovely. And how is everyone else these days?” 

“They're well,” Nie Huaisang assures him.

His tone becomes slow and patient, as if he's answered that specific question many times recently. Lan Xichen is sorry for a moment, but soon gets lost in the joy of hearing about his family. Lan Xiaohui, his son, is a well respected sect leader, and others come to him for wisdom. His daughters are happy in their marriage, especially Lan Huiling who is pregnant again in her forties. The grandchildren are doing well too, even the younger ones go on Night Hunts now. Yao Denming, the youngest, is a bit of a risk taker though. He recently came face to face with a taotie, or so he claims. 

That particular story is long and convoluted, but Nie Huaisang must enjoy it because he tells it in full. It's a good tale, and he has a pleasant voice. Without meaning to, Lan Xichen has to fight to keep his eyes open. 

“Was it true?” Lan Xichen sleepily asks when the story ends. 

“I don't know,” Nie Huaisang admits with a laugh. 

Lan Xichen's eyes close against his will. He feels the gentle warmth of a kiss against his temple.

Just a little nap can't hurt, he decides as his body relaxes.