Just really into egyptian geese

god if there was a book of forbidden spells I wouldn’t even hesitate

so i think the solution is to give dachshunds a third pair of legs right in the middle

in donald trump's america you go to the coffee shop and ask for a butterscotch swirl frappe with extra cream but the barrista (ex-military guy with tattoos and a beard) keeps asking if you want a plain black coffee every time you order

y'know I dislike a lot about the current era but I gotta say I'm a big fan of some of the perks. like, we got estrogen n shit. that's pretty neat. and drugs.

give it up for estrogen and drugs 👍

you ever drop the ramen in the water and think about how much it would suck to be on it like a little raft. just making conversation

Christians will say "i wish she'd stop shoving her faggotry down my throat" as if that isn't a literal gift from god.

"she's shoving her faggotry down my throat" okay??? tilt your head back and relax your neck muscles then.

theyre taking me out back behind the shed presumably to give me a medal for my valor and heroism

[with full awareness I am about to offer the most violent and least helpful solution to the problem at hand] perhaps it is time... for a woman's touch

it's always "you need to quit using the demon blade that is corrupting your soul and encouraging you to shed oceans of blood in its name cold turkey, you need to stop right now" and never "let's discuss some harm reduction techniques that will help you to form a more positive, safer relationship with the demon blade"

The plot of slay the spire 2 is currently that there's a man at the top of this tower DESPERATELY trying to read a book, and his rude whale coworker keeps resurrecting people and lying to them to get them to go bother him so he can't read his book. He's so tired.

you forget what an insane, insane, insane step forward the ability to ctrl f keyword search digital texts or whole libraries for specific information is until you have to find something in analogue writing

this morning i bought what i think are the best cherry tomatoes I've ever had in my life and I'm really trying to stay present and just enjoy them but I won't lie i keep catching myself borrowing grief from the future, imagining my tomatoless life to come

it must feel good as fuck to replace the prizes and value and hatred in your body with someone’s blood when you’re a really big frog

whenever one of my mutuals has a bad day I have to fight the urge to comment "they hate you and they want to kill you!!" which in my mind is a statement of commiseration and support but which in real life is ummmmmm not one of those