enjoy the cyber silence

Direct action

despite what popular opinion may lead you to believe, some rocks actually do have scientifically-proven auras! Unfortunately, those rocks are uranium and the aura is cancer. 

Cool anecdote. Unfortunately you mentioned one or both of your parents so it's no longer funny to me. NEXT

“You never pretended to be a bride when you were a little girl?” No???? Like literally never?

I made witch soups in my garden

embarrassed by the amount of pedestrians i hit with my car today but i made it home safe

I don’t know how the stereotype became that women are the hysterical ones. Have you seen most people’s fathers when a slight inconvenience happens

roller coasters could kill us so easily if they wanted but they choose not to because by nature they’re gentle beasts and they love us. like horses

I personally think it’s time for a tattoo

concentrates really hard and turns all the microplastics in my body into a gift card for olive garden that has $2 on it

I just find it so funnily cruel that Original Timeline Reginald adopted 7 children with superpowers, got scared of their powers, and consciously minimized them and tortured them in order to break their spirits and not let their powers grow too much. Then 1960s Reginald found out that the Umbrellas weren’t strong enough nor had cohesion as a team (due to their father’s terrible parenting) and got so repulsed that he raised a different set of children by  training them harder and cutting off their only two sources of “human” connection and affection (Pogo and Grace, by firing Pogo and stripping Grace from her “mother” status)… all for said children to turn exactly into what Original Timeline Reg feared, which is against him and overpowering him to a point he could no longer use them lol he managed to fuck up twice lol 

no such thing as wasting your 20s your 20s are for recovering from whatever the fuck happened to you as a kid so that youre ready to get weird with it in your 30s