Beauty and Grace

This was why he’d avoided speaking to Gisela’s family for so long. The look on Delilah’s face when she’d said she didn’t have many photos of her sister. How could someone do that to a person they loved, just cut them out of their life so completely when they were right there? Jasper knew that part of it came from being adopted, even if he barely remembered anything of his birth parents. When the Dunbars had told him, things had changed no matter how much he did his best to pretend otherwise. 

“I have more. Photos, of Sela. If you’d like some?” He could part with a few more, just to see that look on Delilah’s face again. Jas had so many stories and memories of Sela that it seemed selfish not to share them. When people had surplus they spread it around, right? He had a surplus of happiness with Sela. He could spread that around if Delilah needed it.

Sela hadn’t talked about her family much, not her immediate family anyways. Andy hadn’t either and so Jasper hadn’t pushed. It had never really occurred to him that the way he prattled on about Juniper and all their adventures might hurt his friends whose sisters so often felt like foreign nations. What was it they always said about hindsight, it saw in 20/20? “I probably wasn’t always the best friend, either. But I think… I like to think we both mattered to her. She didn’t talk about home very much, but I never asked either. I only really talked about happy things when I could help it.” He shrugged. “No, this is exactly what I came to talk about, really. About Sela. It’s been so long since I have.”

Delilah looked down at the table for a moment. It was so strange to think about a stranger (well a stranger to her, not to Gisela) had so many photos and memories of her sister, when Delilah had been left with none. It wasn’t Jasper’s fault. No, he had done nothing wrong and she didn’t fault him. Really, she was grateful for the fact that he was bringing these pictures to her now. But Delilah couldn’t help but feel angry. Anger at her parents for encouraging her to be cruel to Gisela, anger at herself for following their line of thinking and not having a relationship with her sister. If she knew now what she knew...well there was no point to think about that. Gisela was gone, she couldn’t take it all back.

When he said that he had more, she looked up and offered him a small smile. “I would really like that,” she said softly. She bit down on her lip, a habit that she detested, but she was missing Gisela, and she just couldn’t help it. “If it’s not too much for you.”

“Zoe, come back!” She called for the dog, who definitely looked back at her for a moment before running faster. She was near tears, she couldn’t let something happen to that dog, she would be destroyed if Zoe was hurt. And then she stopped as she watched someone grab her collar and scoop her up into their arms. Delilah paused, she couldn’t see their face, but she was so relieved.

“Oh my Gosh, thank you so much. Please, let me buy you a coffee or something for getting her. I need to thank you,” she called out to the person as she got closer.

Walden smiled, geniune. He liked Delilah. Not as much as he missed Amycus some days but he liked her all the same. How she’d managed to stay soft in the world at large didn’t quite make sense to him. Nothing wrong with a bit of mystery in the world. Especially when this one wouldn’t get him into any any sort of trouble at home.

“I like you, and I dunno if anyone’s really checked up on you recently. You’ve got that Healer friend, right? The abrasive lady Henry calls his mom?” Walden knew her name, probably. It was in his head somewhere. “She’s been in the news, sounds kinda busy, you sure you aren’t too swamped?” He didn’t want to take up more of her time if it was really busy.

His smile grew even wider and he couldn’t help it. Any time he thought about the fact he and Daisy would be parents soon he became almost too giddy to focus. Walden ducked his head and rubbed the back of his neck. “The best news, honestly. Daisy’s pregnant, we’re gonna be parents!”

Delilah had to smile when he said that he liked her. It was a nice thought, that people did want to check up on her. Of course she had gotten rather used to the life that she was living now, sort of part of the Pureblood world, but also apart from it. She didn’t feel as pressured to go to tea with big groups because she didn’t want to see the sympathetic smiles on their faces, or the way that they whispered when she walked by them, gossiping about her. It was just easier.

“Well, thank you Walden. I like you too,” she said with a laugh. “I’ve been checked on by some of my friends, everything is okay,” she promised him. She had to smile when he brought up Emmeline. “Her name is Emmeline, and yes, we’re friends. She’s been a great source of comfort,” she said. Delilah waved his worries away. “Please, i’m not a healer, Walden, the colors of the tablecloths for the gala can wait,” she told him with a smile.

“Well you could always be a Vance instead, I’m sure my parents wouldn’t mind another daughter. If not, Kingsley’s family’s kind of badass.” Emm said, not entirely joking. Her parents spent as much time asking to meet Delilah as they did asking to meet Sofiya and Henry. They’d like her, Emm was certain. And the Shacklebolts liked most anyone. “Couldn’t hurt to try, I suppose. Plus I know Kingsley’s always dying for things to do that don’t involve murders these days.”

Emm shuddered at the thought of Amycus walking back into Delilah’s life. Even though she’d gone to the morgue to see the body for herself she didn’t quite believe it either. He hardly seemed like the type of person who could just die. “Sometimes I keep thinking Peter’ll walk up to my door, and he wasn’t even half as terrifying. I understand.”

She smiled. “Zoe sounds amazing, I can’t wait to meet her.” Emm tucked some hair behind her ear. “It’s weird. We talk all the time via Floo and we write letters and send each other packages but it’s just… I wish I could hug her again, y’know?”

Delilah offered her a smile. “I might have to take you up on that offer some day,” she mused. Things had never been great at home, her parents marriage was a sham and they were both miserable. Delilah’s mother had been making comments about Delilah remarrying, but Delilah knew that she wasn’t ready, that she didn’t think she would be ready for a long time. And well...if she did get married again, she wanted it to be for love this time. “I might have to reach out, then,” she mused. She wanted to be rid of the house more than anything. But it seemed like it just wasn’t going to happen anytime soon. 

She hated thinking about Amycus, but he wasn’t far from her mind usually. She was so relieved to be rid of him, but at the same time...it just didn’t feel real. Hadn’t felt real yet. And she knew that some of that was that she was still living in their home. She offered her a sympathetic smile. “I’m sorry,” she said softly. Things were so messed up, all of the death and sadness and pain and fear. Delilah was tired of it. 

She nodded her head. “You need to come over,” she said. It was one perk of Amycus being dead, she could have whoever the hell she wanted over for tea. She nodded her head. “I can only imagine. Letters aren’t the same. But i’m glad that you can talk to her though,” Delilah said. She wished she  could talk to Edgar again, just one more time. “Maybe you can go and visit her?” She suggested. “Make it a surprise.”

“There’s an idea. Cater to prospective Death Eaters wanting to hone their craft.” Zephyr muttered sarcastically, pretty sure that would be of interest to someone considering just how many death eaters there seemed to be. No matter how many death eaters were killed or arrested, the war never seemed any easier and it was exhausting. “Do you think… she’s one of them?” He asked, not sure if Delilah was offering that because she thought the siblings shared interests or simply because they were family. Just from the few conversations he’d had with Delilah over the past few months, Zephyr didn’t think that she was a death eater and she didn’t even sound like a supporter, but he imagined things were likely a little different for her since she was apparently high society. “She turned one in July and I understand now why parents say their kids grow fast.” Zephyr said with a grin, shifting to get out his wallet so that he could show Delilah the pictures he had of Katie inside of it. “So theoretically, if I bought the house from you, I could probably turn around and sell it again and people wouldn’t have any issues buying it from me?” He asked as he slid a picture over in Delilah’s direction. “That’s Katie with our cat, Firebolt. She likes to chase him and he likes to nap on her.”

Delilah had to laugh. “I’m not sure how you fit that into the listing, you know? I could tell my realtor to just put it in at the bottom.” She shook her head. Things were so damn messed up. They seemed to get worse by the day. At his question, she bit her lip for a moment. She was sure that Alecto was. “If I know anything about Alecto, it’s that her and Amycus did everything together,” she said. “I mean...I can’t be sure, you know? You probably think that i’m stupid, but I never knew Amycus was,” She admitted, looking down and sighing. “We didn’t talk about it. I knew what he believed in. And I knew that he supported...them. But we didn’t talk about it. We never...really talked about much,” she admitted. Deep down, she had suspected. But she didn’t want to know. It was better that she didn’t. She was glad for the change in subject and when he got his wallet out, she smiled, knowing that he was probably getting pictures out. “Wow, time really does fly by,” she mused. At his words, she raised an eyebrow. “I’m sure that they would. Are you offering?” She asked with a laugh, figuring that he was just being nice. Delilah looked down at the picture and she had to smile at the little girl. “She’s adorable! Wow, she’s so big, that’s so amazing,” She told him. “She’s beautiful. It looks like she and Firebolt are best friends.”

“No, no I’m alright.” He assured her, quite touched by the concern. Of course he considered her a friend, and knew that she at least considered him kind and one of Amycus’s friends, but the gesture still felt sweet. She was a kind woman. Amycus had never particularly been a kind man. Maybe his parents had hoped Delilah would mellow him out. Not that it particularly mattered much these days. 

He pushed himself off the wall and gave her what he sincerely hoped was a reassuring smile. Considering he’d glowered at several non-Delilah people who had tried to speak to him during his wait, his face seemed predisposed to grumpiness at the moment. It’d been a bit of a strange experience really, glowering like his pre-baby-news self when he’d spent most of the last few weeks beaming at anyone who glanced his way.

“I just wanted to come and talk with you, honestly. See how things were coming along with the house and your new little dog. Does she need a playmate? Mo’s getting loads better at her manners, so she wouldn’t bowl your little pup over if they met. Or at least she’d really try not to, she’s still not quite got a handle on her limps. Plus, I’ve got news.”

Delilah was relieved when he said that he was alright. “Good,” she said, nodding her head. She truthfully didn’t think that she would be able to handle more bad news. She couldn’t lose any more people that she cared about. Even though Walden had been Amycus’s friend, and she tended to avoid the people that held that distinction, Delilah liked Walden. He wasn’t like the others, she didn’t feel uncomfortable around him, the way that she had felt about the others. “I’m glad to hear that you are well.”

In these...trying times, it was never far from her mind that she may not see someone again. It was a morbid thought, but it seemed to keep happening. She was starting to realize that she truly needed to live in the moment, enjoy the time that she had with her friends in the moment. Tomorrow wasn’t a guarantee. That much was a certainty for her. Delilah was tired of losing people that she loved, tired of all of the sadness that seemed to hang around the streets these days. 

Dear Delilah, 

I have seen this purse when I was shopping recently and immediately thought of you. Feel free to write me if you feel the need to go shopping and buy new clothes to go with it. 

Zahi looked up as he heard the woman in the shop speak, and he approached her, taking in the situation. He could have read her indecision on her face even if she hadn’t asked. He preferred their plants that had potions properties, but he supposed the selection of muggle flowers had its purpose within the shop. They sold well, at very least. 

“I suppose that depends on what you want them for,” he said. “If you simply want whichever is most beautiful, that’s up to you. If you’re wanting them to send a message, they do have attached meanings.” He brushed a finger against the soft petals of a rose. “White roses have a few meanings. They show innocence, represent new beginnings, purity, remembrance… The happiest of flowers or most solemn. I’m told they’re popular at muggle weddings and funerals.”

He turned to the orchid. “Interestingly enough, these show innocence too, but that’s taken in a different way. They’re historically used as a celebration of birth, and they can represent beauty luxury but also reverence and humility.” Zahi glanced back at her face to see if she found any of this useful. “Does that make your decision easier?”

Delilah wished that Alaric was there, he would know what to pick. But at the same time, she didn’t want to bother him. He had so much to look forward to, she didn’t want to bring him down. A part of her didn’t want anybody to know that she was going to visit Edgar’s grave. She was supposed to be moving on, but how could she? There was so much left unsaid, so many missed moments with Edgar. It was torture.

She offered him a grateful smile for coming over to assist. She supposed it was his job, but she just...needed someone to point her in the right direction. It had to be perfect. It was silly, she realized that Edgar wasn’t really there, that he would have no idea that the flowers were there. But...it meant something to her. And she supposed that visiting his grave was just for her. Delilah listened intently to his explanation of the white roses. They had caught her attention first, she had been drawn to them since she had walked in the door. She just...didn’t know if they were the right choice. “They’re beautiful,” she agreed, looking at the roses. 

But the orchids were colorful and she didn’t know if Edgar would want some bright flowers at his grave. It was so hard, having so many questions that she couldn’t answer. She bit down on her lip, nervously. “They’re for a grave,” she blurted out as an answer to his question. “I just don’t know...what would be best. I like the white roses, but are they...too plain? I just...I don’t know what he would have liked,” she admitted, knowing he couldn’t answer that, he didn’t know Edgar. But it helped to admit these things out loud.

Jasper paused for a moment before he sat down. Sela and Delilah had the same eyes. It was weird, seeing them alive again. He knew that they weren’t the same person and he knew that feeling weird about this wasn’t Delilah’s fault either. She was her own person and missing Sela wouldn’t turn Delilah into Sela. He knew these things.

“Yeah, I brought them for you.” He said as he pushed them her way. Somehow it still felt like giving up something of his dear friend. Jasper had other photos, plenty of other photos, of Sela throughout their school years. Given these to Delilah wouldn’t take away the memories. It would just donate some to the person who probably needed them more.

“I wish, I wish I had something to tell you, that was nice about what Sela thought about you. But we didn’t really– we didn’t talk family much. I think she still loved you a lot. You’re still her sister, y’know? I don’t know if that’s— if that helps at all. I’m not very good at helping people with stuff like this.” Merlin only knows he couldn’t help Jamie in any sort of constructive manor. All he’d done there was make things infinitely worse for all involved.

Delilah hadn’t put a lot of thought into Gisela’s friends, into the people that probably deserved to grieve her more than she did. Jasper had been her friend. Jasper had been by her side through it all, Delilah assumed. While she had been distant, had caused her own problems. She wasn’t proud of it. Hell, she would go so far as to say that she was ashamed of her behavior, of the way that she had treated her sister. But there was nothing that she could do about it now.

She swallowed against the lump that had formed in her throat. She looked down at the bundle, at the pictures. Delilah didn’t think that she could ever express how much this meant to her, how much Jasper giving her the pictures meant to her. “Thank you,” she whispered, looking up at him. “Thank you so much.” She paused and bit down on her lip for a moment. “I...don’t have many pictures of my sister.”

Nodding, her words reminded Alaric of his owl. While he’d originally wanted a toad when he felt to school, feeling sympathetic for them since they seemed to be the least popular form of pet, his parents had insisted that he get an owl instead, because they were more majestic and better fitting for a pureblood heir. Which might have been a little disappointing at the time, but Alaric grew to love his owl and fully anticipated that it would be a lifelong companion. Unfortunately, the owl became incurably ill and died after he graduated and so Alaric understood the pain of losing a pet, the sense of failure so extreme in Alaric that he still hadn’t taken on another pet, although he liked to think he’d adopted Pandora’s cat Rom since their marriage.

“I don’t think that’s dumb, I think it’s marvelous.” Alaric corrected her, smiling as he glanced at Zoe from his position hugging Delilah. “Sometimes it’s nice to see little signs to know that you escaped or survived something.” No matter how glorious their family names were supposed to be, they were also cages, in a sense. As he held onto her, there was something freeing about the idea that they made it to where they were supposed to be. “We’ve been through a lot, you and I, and I’m so proud of us. So much has changed, Delilah.”  And maybe not all for the better, but life was still good and Alaric was finding it easier to spot the light that Pandora always seemed to dance in.

No longer holding onto Delilah, he gestured her towards a door and began to lead her to the spare room that he and Pandora were going to turn into a nursery, wanting her to see it even if it wasn’t ready. “I"m going to try to be,” He admitted, already certain that Pandora would be an excellent parent and just hoping that he wouldn’t be too much of a disappointment. “Actually… I’ve been thinking about starting therapy. To make sure I’m in a good place to be a dad. I’ve bought books on pregnancy so I can help Pandora as much as I can and I’ll do the same with baby books, but I want to work on myself as well.” That was a story he hadn’t admitted to many people yet. Pandora, of course, and now Delilah, his sister.

Delilah had to smile when he corrected her. “You know, that’s why I love you, right?” She asked him. Well, it was one of the many reasons that she loved him, but the fact that he didn’t let her talk like that about herself, that he just understood. It meant more than she could ever express. “I let her sit in his chair all the time,” she giggled with a smile on her lips. “I know that wherever he is, he must not be very happy.” That was if there was a place where he could watch over and see what was going on. It was a strange thought. She wasn’t sure she liked the idea of him still watching. But in his death, Delilah no longer feared him. She knew he wasn’t there to hurt her, or to hurt anyone that she cared for. 

She had to smile at him and nod her head. “I’m proud of us too. Especially of you. Look at you, Alaric. You’re married. And you’re about to have a baby. That’s incredible.” Even though they had grown up with the wealth and their family names, things weren’t what they seemed. Her parents always put so much pressure on her, had expected her to be their perfect daughter, and Delilah had done everything right. But it wasn’t enough for them. They had lost Gisela and Delilah barely even knew her sister. It was all her parents fault. Delilah frequently looked at the carnage that surrounded her, of all the loss that had surrounded her. All in the name of keeping their blood pure. She had never thought much of it, had never really had a reason to. Until Gisela died. Until her entire world went upside down and she fell in love with Edgar. Now things were more complicated. “Sometimes it feels like the last year has been about five, doesn’t it?”

She eagerly followed him towards the room that they were going to convert into the nursery. It was all so exciting. Alaric was going to be a father. He was going to have a baby that she could spoil and love. In another universe, this baby would have been her blood. But Delilah much preferred this universe. She was going to love that baby just as much as she would have loved a blood relation. Perhaps even more because Alaric was truly family. She had no idea what life would have been like if Gisela lived, if Alaric had been forced to marry her sister. “I think that you will be brilliant,” she said. At his words, she offered him a reassuring smile. Therapy...it wasn’t something that they did. At least Rosier’s didn’t do therapy, that would mean admitting that they had problems. And she doubted that Carrow’s did it either. “Good for you,” she said sincerely. “I’m so proud of you, Alaric. Truly. I think that we could all use a bit of therapy. With everything going on. I think that that’s a really brave decision. I think it just shows how great you are going to be when Pandora has the baby,” she admitted. It was already clear that he was going to do everything he needed to for this baby. 

“A bit of both.” Patrick said, his own smile rueful. “When my wife left, I kept the house. We bought it together, so.” His shrug summed up everything in his opinion. Hilda was everywhere around his home and he knew that he ought to leave and find somewhere else, really give himself a chance to move on properly. Only… his son deserved a home that had traces of both parents. Even if he’d taken down the pictures and sent her all her things, it still had her touch. Patrick couldn’t bare to get rid of it all.

“Patrick Finnegan.” He said, waving away her concerns. Just because talking about himself got confusing didn’t mean he didn’t mind making a good college try every now and then. The name Carrow struck a vague memory of the news, but he’d never been great at keeping up on those sorts of things.

“Mine still feels like hers.” Patrick admitted. “Hey, the fact you’re moving on is more than I can say, yeah? Seizing your own future. That’s pretty cool. You don’t have to include his family in anything if they’re shitty family. Leave them out to dry, they can buy it from you if they really want it.”

Delilah offered him a sympathetic smile. “I’m sorry to hear that. That your wife left,” she said. She wasn’t entirely sure what the proper response was to hearing that someone’s wife left them. It wasn’t something that was taught in her social etiquette lessons that she had growing up. Pureblood women didn’t leave their husbands, even when they were miserable. Hell, Amycus’s death had really been a blessing for her, it meant that she didn’t have to make a hard decision, like leaving him. One that she didn’t think she would have been strong enough to make. “That must be so hard,” she said. Delilah would never pry, it wasn’t proper, but she could certainly give him the sympathy that he deserved. 

“It’s nice to meet you,” she said with a smile. It was nice to not see the flash of recognition on his face when she said her last name. Most people got this look, when they heard the last name Carrow, an immediate judgement when they realized that she was Amycus Carrow’s wife. Or well, she was. 

“Thankfully he let me decorate the majority of the house. I let him take care of his office, and well...I don’t have any reason to go in there.” She didn’t when he was alive. “I can imagine how that would be hard. Reminders of her all over the place.” She offered him a smile. “If I don’t seize my future, my parents will probably try to take control. And well, I would rather not deal with them.” She paused. “It’s not entirely that they’re shitty family...we just...he died right before our first wedding anniversary. So I don’t really know them very well.” And the ones she did know certainly scared her. “It’s just...complicated.”

Delilah stared at the rows of flowers, blinking away the tears in her eyes. She wasn’t going to cry. She wasn’t going to let herself cry now. She sighed as she stared at the flowers. She had no idea what flowers to pick, what Edgar would have liked. She had never been to his grave before, she hadn’t been ready. But now...it felt like it was time. But she just...needed to pick the right flowers.

“Excuse me,” she spoke up, her voice soft. “Which do you prefer...the white roses or the orchids. I can’t decide.” 

“Anywhere but Britain or Germany.” Emm admitted, glad that to see her friend outside of work. Ever since Maura’d left she’d picked up the nasty habit of working longer hours and then going home mostly to pass out in bed or pout. She had spent time with several people, Valerjia and Juniper and even Sirius, so she wasn’t entirely alone. Hell she’d even made herself go visit Andy. But it didn’t feel the same as it had before. Emm felt just slightly off-center.

“Even when I do figure out where to go, how do you even get there? That seems an awfully long way to Floo, and Apparating only really works best if we know the place already, right? Maybe Portkeys?”

Would it be too uptight to make a binder for every place possible? Surely they could figure it out between them both but that was still so much to prepare for. Usually Emm loved preparing for thing, but this all seemed like so much… till, she did love the idea of spending time alone with Maura.

Delilah knew what it was like to be without the person that you loved, and she truthfully wished that Emmeline didn’t have to go through that too. But at least Emm could visit Maura, rather than the alternative. She offered her a small smile. “Anywhere but Britain or Germany,” she repeated. “Luckily, there are a whole lot of other places that you can go to,” she said with a teasing smile on her lips. “Have you thought about going to the Americas? Perhaps New York. Or maybe Brazil? I hear that it’s warm in Brazil this time of year. At least...I think it is?” She offered. It would be nice to go on vacation to somewhere warm.

She bit her lip and nodded her head at her second dilemma. “I would say that Apparating is definitely out of the question. But going by Floo would be possible. Have you been to Germany to visit Maura? How do you get there?” She asked. “A portkey would probably be the most logical way.”

“We should go in and get some pamphlets and make some lists. Whenever I can’t decide what I want to do, I make a pros and cons list,” she admitted with a sheepish smile. “It usually helps me to figure out whatever I’m deciding on. It would be good to know your options.” Delilah would love to go somewhere, but there was a part of her that was afraid to travel alone. She had never done it before. And well...she wasn’t sure she was ready to start. So helping Emm plan a trip was the next best thing.

The conversation was certainly not in her plans. Narcissa listened politely to every detail, realizing how outrageous and confusing it was for Delilah. “I imagine it must not have been easy for you either. Did someone come to help you later?” The blonde’s tone was calm as she crossed her legs and listened to the subject. “Yours had a slight adrenaline rush. I am setting up a fundraising for some wizarding orphanages in northern England. Those things you are already used to, places, people management and so on. Today we work more on the guest list.” She moved her hand slightly, and soon some whiskey appeared. “I can’t deny that it’s fun, but not always so interesting since some of the people tend to be convinced of the good deed. But what about your committee? I haven’t heard anything about it in a while.”

Germany wasn’t all that far away, really. But Germany wasn’t the final destination.

Emmeline stood in front of Globus Mundi Travel Agents, chewing on a hangnail. Getting to Germany was simple enough. She had done that all before. But she didn’t really want to spend her Valentine’s Day with the woman she loved in a country that didn’t appreciate her, and she certainly didn’t think it would be terribly romantic to just pick her up and come back to Britain. But where on earth should they go?

No amount of staring at the brochures through the window would make the decision any easier. Merlin she wished she could just ask Michel, but he was neck-deep in some extra nerdy find and hadn’t responded to her desperate owl about vacation locales. Some older brother she had. Honestly.

“I don’t think I even know how to take a vacation.” She lamented, still staring at the brochures.

Delilah had spotted Emm from across the street. She hadn’t seen her in ages, things had just been so...crazy lately. Delilah felt a rush of guilt as she realized how long it had been since they had last had lunch.

Walking across the street, she was curious about what Emmeline was doing in front of a travel agency. It just seemed so out of character, she had never known Emm to take a vacation. But Delilah thought that she absolutely deserved one, and she should absolutely take one Delilah didn’t think that she knew anyone who worked as hard as Emm did, and truthfully Delilah had no idea how she did it. Perhaps she just didn’t have the same work ethic as Emm, she had been raised to expect to be taken care of by her husband. 

“That’s a problem,” Delilah said with a fond smile on her lips as she stepped up next to her friend. “You deserve a vacation. Where were you thinking?” She asked curiously. “I always recommend Paris, but perhaps i’m a bit biased.”