Elim Garak adoration blog

 First of all, I’d like to tell everyone that follows the blog and every person I have had contact with that I’m truly sorry about my absence.

 I never intended to leave without at least giving an explanation and telling what was going on, but unfortunately a severe crisis of social phobia striked again in me. I completely lost it. This is a fatal flaw in my personality that I’m trying to combat since I came to know I have it, but among a couple of progresses, many starts of friendships and friendships were lost in the way, due to lack of communication – even though I wanted to reach all the people I care. I don’t blame no one for this but me. And I can totally respect unfollows or non acceptance of late replies, although I really intend to reply everyone who allows me so.

 Everytime I tried to write messages, get to see how everyone were doing or give people a warning about how I was  (in all medias, I am not talking to anyone that I know irl and online only since september), I had strong panic attacks – and I had trouble fighting it with the resources I have and know for sure works for me because of the emotional abuse worsening at home. The lack of privacy, space and means for me to do therapeutic stuff here is overwhelming, as much as it is to endure the spiraling endless conflicts with the narcissistic abusive parent I still have to live with.

 The more time passes, the more sick I am just to inhabit the house – physically and mentally. I am now back to the semi-unemployed state again, with the awful news that the abusive folks have now even more control over my finantial life for many reasons. Even the new cat is not doing better, because I discovered he’s really sick too, in many ways – I have spent more time in the vet clinic than at work or at home actually, with not many good results or expectancies.

 I have been so demanding of myself that I found giving small answers for replies worse than no answer at all. The only people I have had contact irl with were giving me the hardest of times and even though it is an irrational fear, I was expecting the same reaction from everyone else. That fear paralyzed me for all those months. I wanted to give a warning and I should, but I terribly failed in that attempt at the time it started occuring. I’m sorry. It was a huge mistake again.

 I'm trying to fight those worst symptons of social phobia with every fiber of my being for a long while, but the thing is, as long as I still have to live with my mother, I am still at risk of displaying that kind of crisis. The most sane person I can be here is still unhealthy and bad for me overall because I am not free from the abuse yet. This impacts on all other aspects of my life. I have been trying to keep appearances at work and at some courses I have been doing – dragging me to complete them – but the truth is I had no energy left from the abusive conflicts.

 I am pretty sure with all the shit going on in the world in relation to society, politics and economy, this individual problem of mine is just one more tale of despair in these dystopian times. What I’m trying to say is that I really hope 2018 bring good winds of change for anyone in distress. I only hope I can escape this environment somehow, for myself and to contribute to good even in the microcosmos of my life.

 I don’t want to delete the blog. I know I won’t be able to create content for fandom, but as I progress at being in better shape mentally and physically, I want to contribute to my main nerdy interest at least with reviews and support to artists of all kinds online.