Dear Stan Marsh

I woke up to Kyle holding me close to him, and our German Shepherd and Husky, Murphy and Mica, sleeping with us near the foot of the bed. This had to be a dream. It was surreal. I had to make sure I wasn’t dreaming. 

I reached out with my hand just to thread my fingers through Kyle’s hair then traced his face. He was real. I could feel the heat coming from him and see his chest rise and fall with each breath. I traced his lips with a dreamy smile while whispering, “I love you.”

Just when I thought I was safe, Mica figured out I was awake. He climbed on top of me, licking my face as a laugh erupted from my lips. His tail was wagging back and forth eagerly. I can’t blame him. I hadn’t been home in so long.

 “Mi-Mica!” I squealed loud enough to wake Kyle. I couldn’t stop laughing, but I tried to cover my mouth. It was too late. Kyle shifted and his breath changed as he woke up. He let out a confused noise and looked over seeing me getting my face licked by an eager dog. He rolled over and pushed at Mica.

“Down. Down, boy.” He ordered in a sleepy tone. Mica jumped off the bed. Kyle’s arms wrapped around me pulling me close. He nuzzled at my neck clearly trying to go back to bed.

“Good morning, handsome,” I said sweetly. 

“Stan, please shut up.” Kyle mumbled. “Sleep.”

“No, I don’t think I will.” 

“You’re not gonna give up, huh?”

“Nah.”

Kyle sat up a little and leaned over me, kissing me. He lingered on my lips, then pulled back and looked down at me. “Now will you let me go back to sleep?”

I pretended to think, letting out a loud HMM while he watched me. “Nah!” 

“I’ll show you nah!” Kyle pushed up my shirt and blew a raspberry on my tummy. I broke out in laughter as he did it again. I pushed at him begging for him to stop. Kyle did it again before he backed off and flopped down next to me.

“I think we should lay here all day.” Kyle said with a yawn. He looked over at me. “What do you think, Mr Marsh?”

“I think you’re a lazy ass, Mr. Broflovski.” I replied. Kyle flipped me off and I kissed his finger. 

“C’mon, I’m hungry.”

Kyle got up and clicked his tongue calling the dogs. They eagerly followed him out of the bedroom and downstairs for potty time. 

Breakfast consisted of eggs, bacon for Kyle, and toast. The dogs had a helping of bacon along with eggs as a welcome home party for me, not to mention our first day at the apartment together. 

I finished eating my eggs as Kyle took my hand in his own, kissing it. “I’m so happy that you get to be with me here. You’re not trapped in that place anymore,” he said. I leaned over and kissed his lips whispering, “We won’t have to go through that ever again. I promise.”

Kyle and I cleaned up our breakfast plates and took a shower; I could tell Kyle was still nervous about leaving me alone unwatched in the fear that I would hurt myself again. Once finished, we leashed the dogs and walked around South Park together, reminiscing our childhood. 

As we walked passed the candy store, a couple walked out with a child between them, swinging her back and forth with their arms. They giggled along with her as if her laughter were infectious. I watched with envious eyes- the child had loving parents and they all seemed to be so happy. I looked back at Kyle with a sweet smile, holding onto his arm as we continued our walk with the dogs. We arrived at the dog park, unhooked the boys, and watched them run around with loud barks.

“Everyone’s free.” Kyle said watching them. “You, them, us.”

“Yeah, it’s nice.” I said.

“You know, there’s nothing wrong with some leashes. I mean, we definitely couldn’t get them here without them.” Kyle said. “People need some too, you know? Good ones to keep you grounded.”

“Like you’re mine?” I said as an example. “Well, you keep me grounded, I mean,”

“Yeah, and you know, I want to keep it that way.” Kyle said. Before I got a chance to say anything further. He reached into his pocket.

“After everything we’ve been through, after all the hardship, from fighting mental illness to saving the town from a homicidal cryptid, we’ve always stayed together. Super best friends until the end, and Stan, I’d like to make that a little more official.”

Kyle got down on one knee.

“Stanley Marsh, will you marry me?” He offered a ring.

I swear everything inside of me jolted awake. Even though I was awake. I bit down on my lower lip as tears threatened to fall. For once they were happy tears. Nothing was wrong. My best friend wanted to marry me. The churning and familiar bubbly feeling grew in the pit of my stomach as acid threatened to come up. I swallowed it down and answered, “Yes!” 

He slid the ring on my finger and gifted me with a loving kiss. Maybe the tale of this sounds cheesy, but we are definitely going to be living happily ever after. 

Nothing could stop us now. Not anything. Not ever again. 

with love,

Stanley Broflovski

PS: I can’t write this without Kyle kissing me

PSS: Kyle has ordered us chinese for dinner, and will not let me live down the fact that I actually did vomit when I said yes. I was trying to make it cute!

PSSS: Kyle Broflovski & Stanley Marsh. September 1, 2020.

The funniest thing about this whole situation was that I knew I was being lied to. Richard, another patient who I met the first week of being in the hospital, told me to go down to 300 halls dining room because someone needed me. It was too late to tell Richard to go with me. Too late to tell anyone to go with me. When I reached the dining room, Pete stood before me with his arms folded across his chest. He approached me and grabbed me by the wrist. I was dragged down the hall and forced to give smiles to anyone who passed us to act as though we were just conspiring an escape plan. We weren’t.

Pete looked around before he opened the door to the basement, dragging us both down. We weren’t supposed to go down there. I knew that much. No one would find us down here. I had a feeling. Before Pete dragged me down, I struggled against him, trying my hardest to break free. I managed to kick off my one shoe as something to be left behind. Something to find me. Maybe that would help. I could only pray it would. I didn’t have much of a chance to do anything after that as Pete pulled me down the stairs and shut the door behind us. 

Once we were in the basement, Pete pushed me down in anger. He grabbed me by the hair in a tight grip. His breath was hot against my ear as he spoke to me, “Words going around that you’re claiming I raped you. That’s a bunch of bullshit, Raven! I never raped you. You were begging me to fuck you! Don’t you try to lie to me! I don’t care if we’re in a hospital, I’ll be sure that you’ll never be able to speak another lie-” He held a sharpened plastic utensil to my throat to scare me. 

“Get off me!” I breathed out. “I’m not scared of you! Pete, you’re sick. You’re here because you’re sick in the head like me! You can get help, Pete! You can! Please, let me go and we can get you help and everything will get better-”

His grip tightened as he yanked my head back further, the plastic blade close to my exposed jugular. My eyes closed while tears threatened to fall. I was going to die before I got to see Kyle one last time. This was it. I was done for. No amount of begging or reasoning I was doing was going to convince him. 

Pete yanked me hard enough to roll me over, and he straddled me. His hands instantly grabbed my throat, dropping the plastic blade.

“I loved you! I fucking loved you and you left me for that stupid bastard! All I wanted was to make you happy and be happy with you! Was that too much to ask!? You’re a piece of shit, Raven! I tried to show you love and you just called me a rapist and made everyone think I’m some monster! I hope you rot! You’re a damn bastard yourself!” he shouted at me as tears flowed down my cheeks. I could see tears in his own eyes, as if every word he said was the truth in his mind. Pete seemed to really believe he had been doing the right thing, and it terrified me. I couldn’t breathe. I had to do something. Reasoning wouldn’t work. I’d have to act. 

I reached out in search of the makeshift blade that Pete had dropped. He squeezed harder as my hand found the blade, clutching it tightly. I had one shot. One shot to get him away. One shot to get his hands off me and just to give me enough time to run upstairs and scream for help.

The clock kept ticking to a steady beat. It was the only thing reminding me that this was real, that I was here. I read Stan’s entry. I read every word and was sick to my stomach. I couldn’t stop myself from crying as I reread each word, praying and hoping it wasn’t real. I knew it had happened. I remember it happening. I blamed myself for doing nothing, for saying nothing. At least, that’s what it felt like. I had gone to the police, tried to make a statement, but without Stan’s testimony or any identity of who attacked him there wasn’t anything they could do. Stan’s mind suppressed it all, and there wasn’t any way to help him without hurting him. I should have done something sooner. I should have-

“Kyle?” 

I looked up to see Stan’s therapist, Ruth Ann, standing there before me. I don’t know how long she had been there, standing in front of me in the waiting room. There was a look of concern on her face, since I said this was an emergency. I got up and followed her back to her office. We sat in silence for awhile before I had to force the words out of my mouth.

“He was raped.”

It was real now. I said it and it was real. 

“He..he was raped and I didn’t do anything about it. I tried, but, he forgot and, I thought it would be better if-”

“If he didn’t remember?” She asked.

I nodded, the tears running down my cheeks. The guilt was unbearable and I broke down crying. Ruth Ann got up from her chair and came over bringing me into a hug without a word. 

“I should have done more! I should have found out sooner! I could have helped him and I could have-”

“Kyle, it’s okay. You did it because you thought it was the best thing to do to help him. What’s done is done and can’t be changed. All we can do is try to help him heal and recover. I know how much you love him. You’re here every day to see him and you’re always volunteering your time to help us out. We can get through this.”

She went back to her seat and I tried to wipe the tears from my cheeks, but I just couldn’t stop even with her comforting words. No amount of comforting could ever get this guilt off my shoulders. 

“I talked to Stan’s other doctor and we actually were considering letting him go.”

“What? Really?”

“He’s been improving greatly in his behaviors and now that some of this information has been coming to light slowly, bit by bit, I’ve been able to help work him through it. He might still have some self-destructive tendencies, but he’s definitely no longer a suicide threat. He’s become much more stable.”

“But, he wrote out the entire thing and he’s gotta be hurting so badly! God, he’s going to be so angry with me if he finds out I knew. Fuck, can I please just see him?” I asked desperately. She smiled some as if she knew I was going to ask that. 

“Of course. After all, it’s soon your normal visiting time. I would think Stan would be counting every second until you get there.” I don’t know if this was her attempt to make me laugh or at least be amused, but it was hard to be. All I could do was give a weak chuckle and smile before I got up and followed her out. I couldn’t let Stan know I was crying. I was the strong one after all. I had to be his anchor to keep him grounded. I can’t lose myself when he needs me. 

I went through all the normal motions. Signing in, getting cleared, going into the main entertainment/visiting room. I didn’t see him waiting for me like normal, so I headed down the hall towards his room. I had a brief thought about Tweek and Craig as I passed Tweek’s new room. I hadn’t been visiting him since everything went to shit. I’d have to make sure Tweek was doing well later. It’s only nice as a friend after all. 

I knocked on Stan’s door.

“Chickadee?” I called in sweetly. “It’s me.”

There was no answer.

“Stan? It’s Kyle, can I come in?”

Nothing.

I turned the door knob and opened the door, afraid of what kind of pitiful state I’d find my best friend in. He would be crying, sobbing, maybe just silent with fear from the memories. I was ready to hold him and comfort him for as long as needed. I’d be his rock. I wouldn’t let anyone harm him anymore. 

What I saw inside wasn’t anything I had been psyching myself up for.

I used to only remember the basketball going into the hoop. Everything else about that night was fog. I could never recall anything about it. However, the fog seemed to clear. It all came washing over me again. All the memories. All the pain. Why? Why did this happen now? Why me?

I have to write it down. As much as remembering hurts, I might forget again. I need to remember somehow. I have to. 

–

Kyle kissed me on the lips with love and passion, holding me around the waist. When he pulled back, he said, “Thanks for the good luck kiss, chickadee~!”

“You’re welcome,” I replied with a wink. I pecked him on the lips again unable to stop myself.  “You’re going to win. I have a great feeling!”

After a few more kisses, the coach called Kyle over, scolding him for being all lovey dovey with me. He ignored him and blew me another kiss. 

I laughed some before going back to join our friends, Kenny, Butters, Craig, Tweek, and Token at the bleachers. After awhile, I saw the goth kids walk into the gym. While most of the group seemed uninterested in everyone there, Pete seemed to look straight through me with his dark eyes. If looks could kill..

I scooted closer to Kenny and tried to distract myself as the goths past us up the bleachers. They usually would hang out at the very top watching everyone . below. I had no idea why they were even here. The Goths hated any kind of school event and always made everyone know about it. All they were going to do was smoke weed, drink coffee, and complain about “conformists.” 

The game started.

Kyle seemed to know exactly what he was doing as he dribbled, passed, and feinted with the ball. I didn’t understand much with this sport since I sucked at it, but at least I knew enough to what Kyle was doing and be able to follow the game. 

Before I knew it, the Cows were beating out the Bulldogs 24 - 8. I grabbed my wallet and looked to Kenny and Butters. 

“I’m going to get a snack. You guys wanna come with me?” I asked.

“I’m good,” Kenny said.

Butters stood up. “I’ll go! I want some ice cream,” he said eagerly. 

After Butters extracted himself from Kenny’s hold, the two of us went to the concessions line which had already grown in size. I held onto my wallet tightly with Butters at my side. As if on cue, I had to take a piss. My bladder was betraying our need for a snack! It didn’t help that during the first half of the game, I swallowed an entire bottle of water to ease my dry mouth.

I handed Butters a ten dollar bill and asked him to please order me maltesers, a vanilla coke, and a plate of nachos. He agreed and I walked off to the bathroom. I told him I’d meet him at the bleachers.

-

The toilet flushed with a loud swish and hiss followed by the sound of my zipper going up. Much better. I walked over to the sinks and began to wash my hands when the door was slammed opened then shut with the same force.

I looked over to see the cause of slamming: Pete and Michael.  

Pete turned to Michael and said something I couldn’t hear. He was quiet, barely a whisper. He kept looking at me though and already my heart was racing. What the hell was he saying? Was he trying to talk trash about me? Why slam the door open that hard just to whisper about me? Michael nodded suddenly and walked out. Pete reached over to the door and locked it.

My heart dropped. My mouth went dry. My hands iced over while the blood in my face drained instantaneously. 

“My Raven,” Pete sang softly, almost as if I was some cherished love one. “I’m so sorry I ever hurt you. I never meant to. I promise you. I wasn’t in my right mind and I was wrong. I was wrong, Raven.”

“U-Unlock that door,” I said with a trembling lower lip. I didn’t want to talk to him. I didn’t understand why he was coming to me now. Why here? Why now? We had broken up. It was final. Surely he had better things to do than follow me around, right? At least, I prayed that was the case.

I didn’t even have a chance to speak anymore.

Pete suddenly had me trapped in a corner. I was a sad animal trapped in the lions den. The redhead grabbed my chin with a tight grip, staring into my eyes.

“It wasn’t right of you to break up with me. Kyle’s no good. Kyle’s a terrible human being,” Pete insisted with acid laced in his voice.

I couldn’t even think straight. I shouted in retaliation, “Fuck you! Kyle’s ten times better than you! He loves me unlike you!”

Pete was sick. He wasn’t all there. I could tell he wasn’t healthy by the look in his eyes. Especially as his grip tightened on my chin- it hurt so badly. He needed help, but right now, I was his focus.

“I love you more than that disgusting conformist! I’ll prove it to you,” he spat. He slammed me against the stall, knocking the air out of my lungs. I was stunned for a moment by the sudden attack, but i snapped back to reality as adrenaline rushed through me.

I needed to defend myself. I have to get him off me. I reached into my pockets for anything I could use as a weapon, and thankfully I found my pocket knife, but I was too late. A lighter floated in my peripheral vision. It was lit. The flame’s heat radiated so close to my forehead that I could already feel my skin beginning to burn under its power.

“If you scream, I will burn your pretty face, Raven,” he warned me. 

I couldn’t move. I was scared. I didn’t want to test his threat. I had no idea just how far gone Pete was. Maybe it was a bluff, but I really couldn’t afford to find out. I wanted to scream, but my pleas were unheard.

Kyle, help me! Someone! Butters! Kenny! Please! I’m scared!

I closed my eyes while the tears formed in my eyes. He pulled me off the sink and forced me against the wall. I was waiting for some kind of beating to supposedly put me in my place. That’s what most people would do right? But that wasn’t what he did. His hands moved down, down farther than I ever wanted them to go. All I could do was sob as he did the worst thing anyone could ever do to another human being.

When it was over, I sank to the floor, holding myself tightly as a sob ripped out of my lips, “Kyle,” I begged as if saying his name would make him appear. I wanted him to hold me, to rip Pete into pieces like an angry grizzly bear. I just wanted someone else in the room to hurt him. 

Pete kicked me with a growl. “After all that, you still want him! You’re a piece of shit!” He threw the lighter at me, but it skidded away from me to the trash cans. He grumbled something before storming out of the bathroom, leaving me behind like a piece of trash.

I couldn’t stop crying. I was hurting and I just wanted Kyle.

Time had passed. I don’t know how much time, but I just knew it felt like ages. It would either rush by me quickly, or tick by slowly second by second. I remained on that floor, unable to get up. I didn’t know if I even could. I was blinded by the tears, frozen in fear of what was out there past those doors.  No one came for me. Maybe no one actually cared about me after all. 

I let out a scream as the buzzer went off in the gym, signaling victory for the Cows. The cows had won the basketball game, and Pete had-

“Stan?” I looked up. Kyle stood in the door with a look of complete shock. I looked over, whimpering. 

“K-Kyle..”

Kyle was over to me, hugging me. He held me tight in his arms as I sobbed holding him. He kept his arms around me, like a protective shield. He said not a word. He couldn’t say a word. He would later told me that his brain had completely shut off in disbelief and he had been trying to figure out what had happened exactly. I couldn’t either. The only thing I could say was Kyle’s name like a holy mantra. Over and over and over again.

We were young and dumb and had no idea how to handle something like this. Kyle tried to clean me up, get me presentable, just enough that we could get out of here and go home. Get some kind of help. Would anyone believe me? This didn’t happen to guys. Guys didn’t get-

“Are you okay?” Kyle asked. I was a bit thrown by the question. “Stan, talk to me. Can you stand? Are you hurt any other way?” 

I knew he meant beatings or cuts. I just shook my head no, then started getting up on shaking legs. I had to lean on him for support. I was going to be safe now. I’d just have to forget about this. Forget it ever happened. Forget he ever existed in my life. I didn’t know what else I could do after all.

Pete was sick and needed help, but now, now I didn’t even know if I felt pity for him like I had for a brief moment. As Kyle helped me out of the bathroom, I was filled with hatred. I wanted justice. I wanted something to be done about this. I wanted him to pay for how he hurt me.

But the next day, I didn’t even remember it happening. As far as I knew, it didn’t. At least, not until now. 

I still don’t know how he knew where I was. Pete was going to pay. He was going to pay.

Please someone tell Kyle…

Please….