Dazzle dawne

I can't speak about myself anymore. Can't say how I feel or what I need because the moment I do, I have the urge to throw up.

🎀🎀🎀

I recommend this show to anyone struggling with mental health, especially self-distructive behaviour, sh and suicidal thoughts. The last episode was... hard to watch. I knew it was going to be triggering and personal and so horribly sad but I wasn't prepared for that.

Still, like I said; I recommend this series very much, as long as you're open to bawl your eyes out and get completely traumatised. :D

— from the poem Ondas by Andrew Oliveira

I started watching an anime. The first two episodes were crushing in all the right ways. It makes me want to sit in silence and just... exist, I suppose.

This quote deeply resonated with me because of that.

"Haibane Renmei", the title of the anime

The soundtrack is absolutely beautiful, melancholic and thought-provoking, just like the piece of media itself.

I love media with the intention and purpose of making people think, instead of simply creating a sort of entertainment for us. I wonder how the world would look without thoughts.

I hope it will never come to that point, because I'd much rather die. I'd go insane and then die.

But it's quite an interesting question, in my opinion anyway. A very dreadful, horrible one, but interesting nonetheless. Would it be possible to live, without thoughts and if so, how?

I don't think I ever liked that letter. It doesn't make sense, really, seeing how all my favorite characters' initials started with A.

Or how that's the grade I so desperately wanted to get, and got. That I was so happy to get straight A's, so goddamn proud of myself.

In the beginning, anyway. Later it became normal, barely acknowledgable actually. I got upset if I had so much as a B. Well rather so little.

I would cry and tell myself I was a dissapointment, a failure.

My parents told me grades didn't matter, but if that was true why did they tell me to try better, to stop slacking and focus whenether I recieved a B, or dare I say, a C?

I hate the letter 'A'.

Hate is a strong word, considering it's nothing more than a concept.

Maybe I'm just overreacting? Yes, I must be, because I still celebrate everytime I see an A scribbled in the very corner of my paper.

Only now I don't see it as much.

And I tell myself, "next time, next time you'll be good again", however next time doesn't arrive and I cry because of those ten mistakes that shouldn't have existed. Those ten mistakes that prove my suspicions; that prove I'm a failure.

I hate the letter A, so why do I want it? Why does this stupid letter get to decide my happiness?

Why do I love something like that? I hate it. I hate that I love the letter 'A'