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*Soukoku and Shin-soukoku chilling after a mission.*

Atsushi: If I were a gardener, I’d put our “two-lips” together.

Akutagawa: *blushes furiously.*

Dazai: If I were a gardener, you’d be my hoe.

Chuuya: …. Thanks I guess..?

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*Decorating for Christmas/New Year’s.*

Dazai, blushing: Aww babe look at you, getting romantic with all of these candles.

Chuuya, with no hesitation: First of all, I’m about to sacrifice you.

*Soukoku at a coffee shop.*

Dazai, ordering coffee: I’d like a light roast.

Chuuya, from behind him: You're kinda ugly.

Dazai: Heh, Chuuya sneezes like a girl.

Chuuya: How about I pound you like a boy?

Dazai, blushing furiously: ….

Chuuya: That didn’t come out right.

Chuuya: FUCK holding hands for romantic purposes.

*quickly grabs Dazai’s hand.*

Chuuya: Hold my hand while walking on an icy sidewalk so if one of us falls, both of us eat shit.

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Dazai, sighing: I never know what to say at funerals…

Chuuya: Just say “Sorry for your loss” then move on

[later at a funeral]

Dazai: Sorry for your loss. Move on.

Chuuya: *facepalming*

*Everyone else at the funeral shocked*

*After a fight*

Dazai: ........ - / ...--.-...-.-

[translation: I'M SORRY]

Chuuya: What's that?

Dazai: Remorse code.

Chuuya, eye twitching: I'm even angrier now.

Dazai, laughing nervously: Top 30 reasons why Dazai is sorry... Number 5 will surprise you!

Chuuya, fuming in anger: Top 30 real-time deaths. Number One: YOUR FUCKING ASS RIGHT NOW!!!

*Dazai and Chuuya arguing*

Dazai, yelling: What would you do if I got kidnapped?

Chuuya, calmly: Nothing. I’d wait about 30 minutes until they voluntarily drop you back where they found you.

Chuuya, trying to comfort a crying baby: What is your fucking problem?

Dazai: Why don’t you try singing to it chu.

Chuuya: What iiisss your fuuuucking problem…

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Dazai: I won't hate anyone without a good reason.

*A moment later*

[Dazai looking at Chuuya]

Dazai: He's probably naked under his clothes.

Dazai, all flustered: What a whore.

Random enemy: I thought we told you not to bring any backup.

Chuuya: I didn't.

Random enemy: Then who's that behind you?

Chuuya: Oh him? He's not backup. He's like a trophy boyfriend. I bring him along on dangerous negotiations so he can see how awesome I am.

Dazai: *waves hi from behind Chuuya's back*

Dazai: Truth or dare?

Chuuya: Truth

Dazai, smirking: I dare you to make out with me

Chuuya, climbing into Dazai's lap: You best believe I'm not here to lose.

Atsushi: …

Atsushi: He didn't even choose dare

Atsushi: I think there's something wrong with Dazai-san.

Chuuya: Why is that?

Atsushi: He's taking a nap...

Chuuya: Oh, but that's really good!

Akutagawa, rolling his eyes: In the middle of the road.

Chuuya: …

Akutagawa: While cars are still passing.

*Chuuya shitfaced drunk watching a video on his phone*

Chuuya: NO! NO DONT GO THERE! DONT GO INTO THE CHURCH YOU DUMB BITCH!

Dazai: What are you watching chu? A horror movie?

Chuuya, nonchalantly: Our wedding video.

Dazai: …

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Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.

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Anya is LIVE right now

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Dazai: Is there another word for horny but not in a sexual way?

Dazai: Like I'm horny for halloween, but i don't want to fuck a pumpkin, you know?

Chuuya: Do you mean... excited?

*Shin soukoku absolutely horrified*

Chuuya, telling aku and atsu: Dazai, failed 1st grade English, so his vocabulary is a little weak.

*Soukoku in jail after getting arrested for some dumb shit Dazai did*

Dazai: Here's some advice chu-kun….

Chuuya, pissed off: I didn't ask for any.

Dazai: Well that’s too damn bad. I'm stuck in here with my thoughts and you're the only one who talks to me.

Chuuya,yelling: WE ARE IN HERE BECAUSE OF YOU ASSHOLE.

Dazai: 😳

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