amanda

When all we keep is the glance of a face, the days wear away what’s left for us to take. I live for you and you breathe for me, but what’s for us that the world dare not speak?

Turn around-- what is it you seek? The silhouette grows fainter as it retreats. Grasp it if you hold dear what’s in your reach, blow a whisper into the wind--

i... loaf... you...........

i saw that on a mini valentine's day card at a craft market recently. they peeked out at me in a glint of mischief, underneath a cute slice of toast next to a cute side of fried egg. "i loaf you." colour pencil sketchings revealing the fibres between the grain, weaving between all the words we've never said and all the fleeting moments we've never grasped. shadows and uncertainty, a gut feeling guiding the path they trace. they smile up at each other in impossibly cute strokes, just two dots and a curve, and i think about the times your eyes turned gentle when they laid upon mine. i can count them in my head, the days your eyes opened to speak when your mouth wouldn't. it was there. that's what i think, anyway.

the saying goes both ways, the lady said. love and loathe. it's usually both. i wonder if you hate me. i know i hate you. maybe you don't, maybe the love doesn't exist and i'm just making everything up. who knows?

i think a lot about what i should say to you, how i should say it. the conversations range from wordless glances to one sentence exchanges to hour-long revelations, spilled out onto bookstore cafe tables all the way to your bedroom floor. none of them really seem right. maybe i should just let the toast speak for itself. for the toast speaks the truth. it's simple really, it's just that.

i loaf you. puke.

i’m creating another new space to house all of the weird stories floating around in my head, and i hope you’ll come and visit! i’ll be writing letters from imaginary characters to other imaginary characters in sometimes imaginary worlds. come discover them with me, anything and everything is welcome  ✨ 💖

i think that i think that you might be the love of my life isn’t that crazy to say? because i think so too, and sometimes i think it’s just for today, but then i find myself thinking that every day sometimes you don’t really reply me but then my best friends never do and that’s something i’ve just gotten used to 

before your train ride to new york, you stood by the tracks watching as i walked away  you wouldn’t stop waving at me i thought, “jesus this guy has to  make a laugh out of everything, even the longest goodbye,” and i waited till you turned away to watch you leave  you ran after the train because it stopped too far ahead, you’re just a tiny boy with a small suitcase making a mess out of everything

and i retrace the steps that we’ve taken before while  new places grow familiar from the thought of you, and all of those ice cream shops i’ve tried are as much for me as they are  for you, and i know every day’s too much to  look through the windows and hope you’re in stock, but you’ll see newbury street in new york and think of me in all the places we haven’t gone, even if just for a moment.

i think a lot about that night you grabbed my jacket without a word slung my backpack over your shoulder like it was yours we sat in that small alcove where couples gaze out the floor-length windows then back into each other’s eyes walking by on the street i always thought it was romantic two and a half hours already passed before we landed on that mediocre second- storey pizza place where we left an entire box behind and i didn’t realize until midnight passed nothing ever feels missing when you’re walking next to me i skipped dinner the previous night because i couldn’t bring myself to crawl out the bed i’d been bleeding out on you asked if i wanted to talk about it you asked me how i know i’ll be alone you told me that i don’t i didn’t know how to tell you i’d imagined myself living in an apartment with you overrun with my plants and scattered eclectic film props while you worked an actual job somewhere i know i want you but i don’t want to need you and i didn’t want to give you that burden it wouldn’t be fair, i’ve done that before and it never turns out well so instead of dreaming i just prepare to live by myself and that’s why i assumed i’d have to be alone and honestly that’s how i’ve been most of my life so far and you’re not a magic wand that will wave my deepest problems away even though i used to wish for it

a short piece of prose about...

an analogy way too expendable often falls on tired, jaded ears, but resonates deepest within the heart.

i.

if you asked me how i’m feeling, i’d paint the colour grey

i don’t know what it means, but you know what i’m trying to say

or at least, i hope you do

at least, i hope you do

.

if you asked me how i’m feeling

let me ask you another question, do i look grey?

i don’t know the answer, but i forgot my colour pencils today

you can go and help them paint

.

ii.

i heard the preacher say, think with both your head and your heart

i don’t know what it means, but i know i cry too hard

or at least, you think i do

at least, you think i do

.

if i tore open a wound

you wouldn’t open it up

why can’t it be, the same with my heart?

i’ll take down the sales sign, keep my words for myself

it's on fire

well, let the rain do their part

and drown it out.

but there's a weight to my feet,

i'm sinking into the mire

you said you won't ever leave,