I'm ready to fight the gods...

OR

BECOME THEM!!!!!!!

chapter 5: he didn’t love you

chapter warnings: ANGST ANGST ANGST🫡 sad steve, reader is being rude.. but shes hurt ig. mention of nancy like once, my baby steve having no one

shiv’s notes: i’m so so sorry in advanced.. this was supposed to be posted at night but its 11:36am and i thought why not :) as always pls lmk if theres any mistakes! love you all x

taglist: @kurtsw7rld96 @hoekeerymm @coldalpsmcu @supershyemma @kalunacow @fangirlll2000 @stoneyggirl2 @hexyissy @yailology

the next morning felt wrong. the world had carried on as if nothing had happened.

the sun still rose, cars still drifted lazily through the streets, people still walked their dogs, bought coffee, laughed with friends.

and yet? it felt like yours had ended the night before.

you hadn’t slept. every time you closed your eyes, you saw billy standing by the front door.

“i’m standing here trying to convince myself that that’s enough.”

“goodbye”

that word echoed over and over until it became unbearable.

but you were also haunted with another voice.

“being in love with you”

you pressed the heels of your hands into your eyes. “stop!” but neither voice listened.

they just kept playing, again and again. until you couldn’t breathe.

before you even realised where your feet were taking you. you were standing outside steve’s apartment.

your chest rose and fell too quickly, your fists were clenched so tightly your nails dug painfully into your palms.

you knocked once, hard. no answer.

again, harder.

you waited another few seconds until you heard footsteps, slow, heavy.

the lock clicked and the door opened.

steve looked exhausted, he was still wearing the grey hoodie he’d slept in, his hair was sticking up in every direction.

dark circles sat beneath his hazel eyes like bruises. he looked as though he hadn’t slept in days.

when he saw you, his face softened immediately. “hey”

you didn’t say anything. for a second, you just stared at him. and somehow that made everything worse.

“can we talk?” you asked quietly.

he laughed but it wasn’t really a laugh.

“talk?”

“yeah.. how dare you steve.”

his expression faltered. “i know i should’ve-”

“you should’ve left me alone” the words hit him like a slap as he blinked in confusion “what?”

you stepped closer and tears were already burning behind your eyes. “you should’ve left it alone.”

“idon’t understand.”

“yes, you do” your voice cracked. “you told me you loved me.”

he swallowed. “yeah”

“why?” the question came out louder than you’d intended. “why would you tell me that?”

he stared at you, completely caught off guard. “because it was true.”

“you weren’t supposed to!”

“what?”

“you weren’t supposed to tell me!” your breathing became uneven. “i’d moved on!!”

his face changed, not because he believed you because he wanted to. “you had?”

“i was happy” the words stumbled out between shaky breaths. “i was finally happy!

he looked like he’d stopped breathing. “with billy?”

you nodded. “he stayed a-and he chose me.” your eyes filled completely now. “and then you..”

your voice broke. “you got inside my head.”

steve stared at you in silence. “don’t.”

“you did!” tears spilled down your cheeks. “i kept hearing your stupid confession over and over again”

you pressed your hands against your temples.

“every night. every time i looked at billy, every time i closed my eyes, i couldn’t stop thinking about it.”

steve looked devastated. “i never wanted”

“he broke up with me” the words came out as a whisper. and somehow, they hurt even more. “h-he ended it.”

steve closed his eyes. “i’m sorry.”

“don’t” you stepped back. “don’t you dare.”

“i am!”

“no..” you shook your head. “you’re sorry because you got caught”

his eyebrows pulled together. “what?”

“you knew!”

“knew what?”

“you knew i’d finally moved on”

“i didn’t..”

“yes, yes- you did!”

“i swear to you, i didn’t-“

“you saw us together!”

“yeah..”

“and then suddenly-“ you laughed bitterly. “suddenly you tell me you’re in love with me.”

his mouth opened, then closed again. “that’s not why.”

“isn’t it?” he looked at you like you’d just broken something inside him. “you really think i’d do that?”

“i don’t know what to think anymore”

another silence, heavy and painful, whilst steve rubbed a hand across his face.

“i told you because i couldn’t lie anymore,” his voice was barely above a whisper. “i was losing you anyway.”

you looked away. “you already had.”

“exactly” he took one hesitant step towards you. “every day i’d wake up and tell myself not to text you, every day i’d walk the long way across campus just so i wouldn’t accidentally see you.”

“every night-“ he laughed quietly. “every night i’d dream about telling you.” his eyes met yours. “and every single dream ended with you walking away.”

he smiled sadly. “turns out i didn’t need to dream it.”

you wiped angrily at your face. “stop!”

“it’s true”

“stop making me feel sorry for you”

his expression crumpled. “i’m not trying to”

“yes you are!”

“i-i’m trying to tell you why!”

“i don’t care why!” you shouted it this time, as your voice echoed through the hallway. “i don’t care! you ruined everything!”

the words hung between you. steve didn’t move, didn’t defend himself. he just stood there, just taking every word.

“i lost him” your voice became smaller. “because of you.”

steve looked down at the floor ans for a long time.. he said nothing.

when he finally looked back up, his eyes were full of tears. “i know.”

and from the sight, your anger faltered, just for a second. “i know.” he repeated.

“and if hating me makes this easier” his voice shook. “then hate me.”

“steve-“

“no” he smiled weakly. “it’s okay.”

“it’s not!”

“it is” he wiped quickly at his eyes. “ because i’d rather you hate me” his voice cracked completely. “than never speak to me again”

your own tears fell harder.

he wasn’t shouting, he wasn’t blaming you and that somehow made it unbearable.

“i loved you quietly for months” he whispered. “e-even when we just.. were fucking.. i-i stayed away because i thought if i loved you from far enough away” he laughed through a broken breath. “maybe i wouldn’t ruin your life.”

he looked around his apartment, then back at you. “and somehow” another tear slipped down his cheek. “i did anyway”

the room was silent.

all you could hear was the uneven sound of both of you trying (and failing) not to cry.

neither of you knew what to say next because there weren’t any words left that could undo what had already happened

the apartment was silent, and steve didn’t move.

the front door was still half open, the cool breeze drifting lazily through the hallway and into the living room.

he couldn’t bring himself to close it. his eyes stayed fixed on the space where you’d been standing only seconds ago.

he could still hear your voice. “you ruined everything!”

the words echoed around the apartment like they were bouncing off every wall.

he swallowed and his throat felt impossibly tight.

“i lost him because of you.”

his knees suddenly felt weak and before he could stop himself, he sank down onto the floor beside the doorway.

his back rested against the wall.

one knee pulled towards his chest while the other stayed stretched across the hardwood floor as he stared blankly ahead.

he wasn’t even sure what he was looking at anymore.

his apartment blurred together, the bookshelf, the television, the half-empty mug of coffee sitting forgotten on the kitchen counter. none of it looked familiar.

it just looked, empty. kind of like he felt.

“yeah” his own voice startled him as it barely sounded like him. “i did.”

he laughed quietly, the sound broke halfway through.“i ruin everything.”

his fingers rubbed absently against the sleeve of his hoodie. the grey fabric was worn thin around the cuffs, you used to tease him about it.

“you own, like, six hoodies, and somehow you always wear this one.”

he remembered pretending to be offended.

“this one’s lucky”

“it’s literally falling apart”

“exactly”

the memory hit so hard it knocked the air from his lungs. “stop..” he whispered it to himself, like maybe he could stop remembering if he asked nicely.

it didn’t work..

every memory somehow became you. the first lecture you’d ever shared, when you’d fallen asleep halfway through statistics and accidentally drooled on your notebook.

the night the two of you had stayed up until four in the morning trying to build ikea furniture because you’d refused to read the instructions.

the movie marathon where you’d both accidentally fallen asleep on opposite ends of the sofa and woken up tangled beneath the same blanket.

the first night you both decided you’d be casual, that it wouldn’t affect your friendship

the stupid inside jokes, the coffee runs, the study sessions.

every ordinary moment that hadn’t felt important at the time.

but now..? they felt priceless because they were gone and he’d thrown them away himself.

his phone buzzed somewhere in the apartment. he ignored it.

another vibration, then another.

probably robin. she knew, she always somehow knew.

he couldn’t answer, he couldn’t explain this, because how could you explain the fact that the person you’d loved for months had just looked you in the eyes and told you that you’d ruined her life?

he wasn’t even angry, that was the worst part.

he understood why you’d said it, if he’d kept his mouth shut, maybe you and billy would’ve stayed together.

maybe you would’ve been happy.

maybe, you’d still smile when you looked at him instead of crying.

“i should’ve stayed fucking quiet.” the sentence slipped out before he realised he’d spoken. “i should’ve kept it to myself.”

he’d almost managed to. another week. another month, maybe eventually the feelings would’ve faded.

except, he knew they wouldn’t have, they would’ve only grown, until loving you quietly became the only thing he knew how to do

he pulled his knees closer, resting his forehead against them.

his chest ached, actually ached like someone had reached inside and squeezed his heart until it struggled to beat properly.

he hadn’t cried. not properly, not since nancy.

even after everything that had happened over the years, he’d always found a way to keep moving.

a way to keep smiling, to keep making sure everyone else was okay first.

today.? he couldn’t.

a single tear landed on the sleeve of his hoodie, then another so he squeezed his eyes tighter. “come on..”

his voice shook. “seriously?” he laughed through the tears. “now?” another one fell, then another, until suddenly.. he couldn’t stop.

his shoulders shook, his breathing became uneven. every breath caught painfully in his throat before escaping as another broken sob.

there wasn’t anyone there to hear it. no robin, no dustin, no you.. just him, alone, crying so hard his ribs hurt.

“i love you.” he whispered the words into the empty apartment.

not because he thought you’d hear them because he’d never get another chance to say them.

“i love you” another sob escaped him “and i’d do anything”

he wiped angrily at his face. “anything” his voice cracked. “to take this back”

because if taking the words back meant you got billy back.. he would. if pretending he never loved you meant you were happy.. he’d do it.

if spending the rest of his life wondering what if meant you’d never cry because of him again.. he’d choose it.

every single time.

the apartment stayed quiet for a long time and eventually, his breathing slowed, his tears stopped not because he felt better but because he’d exhausted himself.

he leaned his head back against the wall, staring blankly at the ceiling. his eyes were swollen, his throat burned, everything hurt.

he reached into the pocket of his hoodie as his fingers brushed against something folded.

confused, he pulled it out.

it was an old receipt and on the back.. in your handwriting..

“don’t forget snacks for movie night :)”

he’d forgotten it was there, he stared at the little smiley face you’d drawn. his thumb traced over the faded ink.

another tear slipped silently down his cheek. “i’m sorry.. i’m so sorry..”