Space filler

Tonight, as I've sat alone in the house with nothing to do for the first time in about a month; frustrated at my lack of interest in anything around me or outside I opened Tumblr. It's been a while my old friend! One of the first posts I was greeted with was a simple quote from Michael Jordan, 'everybody has talent but ability takes hard work'.

Could there have been a more apt quote. Recently spurned on by a number of events in my personal life and a small article that came at just the right time I've stopped all this pointless introspection! The article was from 99u.com about a book by Steven Pressfield - you'll find the article here if you're interested (I think I should really order it).

The crux of the article was that being an artist, a professional, takes dedication and sacrifice; but more than anything it takes a shift in your mind! You stop doing little things that will satisfy the inner voice that says you should be doing something and you actually do the big things! You crack on and do some bloody work, you throw yourself on the rails and hope the something good happens rather than just being ran over! Well, that's what I read into that tiny article anyway!

Screw the money, screw the business side of my photography - it's got to be all about the artistic practice! Photography for the sake of it, for my enjoyment - anything else that comes is great but I shouldn't rely on, or need it.

So my first step is bettering myself, I still have the day job which I cycle into every day. Every day that is except for Wednesday, the day I get a delivery of organic veg and eggs; cargo that has all too often been damaged when cycling. So it is the one day that I drive into work (it also makes getting to the swimming pool in the morning easier too!), so I can also take my camera. I might as well make use of this, so I've started taking a different person's portrait every Wednesday lunch time. I invited 2 or 3 people, some friends who I presumed wouldn't think I'm crazy; but now others have heard I've had a bunch of other offers from people willing to sit!

Hi everyone! I say everyone, hello to the one person that reads this! (I mean you might have a friend, there may be others, am I being pessimistic or realistic?)

It's been a long time coming, but you'll be in shock to know that I'm once again writing whilst in a somewhat introspective mood. The last week has seen sleep deprivation, lots and lots of hard work, some baking, some guitar playing for a birthday party and the loss of a good friend and colleague to lands afar (if Derby can be called afar).

But I come to you with one question this rainy evening? By asking this I'm assuming you know; how the hell do you know where you're going in life? I mean do you really know what you want to be when you grow up? (yes I know I'm 28 and should probably have an idea!) I'm stuck that's all, perhaps it's the fact I've had absolutely no time to myself recently but I just can't see even a hint of the direction that I need to travel.

I suppose listing some things I do know could be a start: 1) I really don't want to work behind a desk the rest of my life. 2) I'd love a job that is exciting, that gets me out and about, that despite my somewhat introverted nature gets me meeting people. 3) I NEED to be challenged! My current job is driving me crazy for it's dullness. 4) I know photography is where I'd love to be, but that's like saying I'd love to be a musician - but which instrument?!

Answers to those questions of where I want to be may still be a little way off but I feel like I may have a handle now on how to perhaps make a start on finding my way. Before you say it, I know I've said it before, but my conviction that this is the way forward has been strengthened. I've got to throw away any thoughts about selling my images, when taking photos I've got to do it just for me and if people like them then great, if they make me money then even better but that MUST be the least important thing! I've found I have the most success when I'm working for myself.

It's been a funny ol' few days. Last week was only a three day working week (at the day job anyway) and it seemed to last forever. It's Monday and there's already a fear that it's just going to seem all longer than the last. A few days ago whilst sat in my room editing wedding photos I looked out the window to see an amazing blue sky...  

I feel fairly secure in being able to capture skies like this, the contrast between blue and white is easy. But if I'm going to develop my practice perhaps I should think about working in monochrome for a while. Learning how to get by without colour to convey what I see. So I went out for a wander this lunch time to see what I could do...

Creativity seems to come in peaks and troughs, sometimes it just seems to flow and ideas are everywhere; the rest of the time no matter how hard I try it's nowhere. In fact the harder I try, the more elusive it becomes. It seems frustrating actually that recently I've been confined to the bottom of the waves, a place any sea captain would tell you is the worst place to be in a storm. Not that I think I'm in a storm, but the seas don't exactly resemble glass!

I've got to relax, it's only through relaxing do I free up mental capacity, a thing that is absolutely vital for inspiration. But yet that seems to become harder every day! When I spend some time doing nothing there is always a voice in my head telling me to do some work, telling me I must do something new... Hell, maybe I just need to get the old things out of the way first!

I suppose I'm just letting off some steam, venting some of the self directed anger resulting from my inability to find continual inspiration. For some people it comes naturally, it's impossible to tell whether that applies to me...

After the last post, which was rather introspective and well, long I'm going to go for a post with rather more images than text. Apart from anything else I've just done my tax return and I'm not feeling particularly positive. But anyway... Not the week that we're just finishing but the one before, in addition to travelling to our nations capital Kat and I went to visit the Lake District, in particular Eskdale. The Lakes, especially somewhere as quiet as Eskdale has an unbelievable ability to cure all stresses, it just forces you to stop and do everything at a much slower pace - it somehow soothes you. So I came back feeling brilliant (only to then go straight back into the office the next day surrounded by stressed people - the healing only goes so far unfortunately).

So here's some images, from the drive over via Hartside cafe and Alston, to Eskdale Valley, views of the Irish Sea (including Isle of Man, Ireland, Scotland and Sellafield all in the same vista), to our drive back over the incredible Hardknot and Wrynose passes (with a 30% gradient and precipitous drops you need to be fairly confident in your car and your driving).

I started the day the same way I started this week. That was the same way that I started the month. Looking back it seems it's the exact same way that I started the year - full of intention, full of purpose and yet to a large extent failing to live up to my aims. I didn't have that much to do today really, download some photos from cameras, a camera firmware update, tidy my disgracefully disorganise office and write my first blog in probably about a month. Nothing too strenuous then!

So although I'm not feeling all that good maybe I am getting somewhere. The last month has been incredibly hectic, I'm still in my day job, I've been to London three times - twice for work, once for pleasure, and I've done a barrel full of overtime. All of this has meant precious little time for photography and even less for reflection. But I've still managed a few pictures - although you'll maybe see a theme. The first few being from the train, firstly on the way to our nations capital and then back again.

There's a lot to be said for being on the 0703 outbound and then the 1800 home. It means you get to travel through the British countryside at both dawn and dusk. We were treated to some amazing views and some brilliant wildlife, however fleeting the glimpses were.

Until my first trip down about a month ago I hadn't been to London in at least 20 years. I have a memory of a photograph of myself in London rather than real memories of being there. The photograph (which I'll maybe grab a copy of next time I visit my parents) is of my older brother and I outside the penguin enclosure at London zoo - matching parkers, matching mits on strings. So it's fair to say that on these visits I was able to view the city from a completely naive perspective, it was a blank slate for me. London is a city of real contrasts, unbelievable wealth sits right beside poverty. There is a glaze on the faces of residents, I presume this is the only way to get through a day of walking past beggars but it transfers into every aspect of life. People seem unwilling to smile, they don't expect any help. I took great joy whenever I could to help people, even if that was just a waitress in the American Diner - she seemed genuinely taken aback, but it made her smile and so it was worth it!

I travelled what felt like the width of the city and yet what I saw almost certainly barely scratched the surface - my underground ticket became a little worn even after that one day, I'm already fairly well versed in the undergound (and the DLR and the Overground).

Our nations capital as our friends across the water would probably call it is an awe inspiring place. At first the population density is overwhelming, for me to the point of desperation. But over time you begin to realise that the possibilities are huge, for exploring, for widening horizons and learning, but ultimately for getting to know yourself better. For me there is one photograph from my three trips that really shows the way I feel about London at the moment, and it turns out it's also the way I've been feeling about my life in general lately. It's like porous ceiling, you're able to see where you want to go and from the little you can see it looks amazing - but all you can see is the ceiling, you can't see a way of getting there, of overcoming either the massive size or population as in the case of London or a way to generate any form of progress. That's what I see anyway...

How can I possibly expect to progress either in my life or my career if I stagnate, if I don't allow myself to experience new things, to learn, to throw myself into the things I'm scared of. The first step towards change is admitting you have a problem, I feel like I can honestly say now that I am a coward. I've always taken the easy way out, like moving away from science, or staying in an often frustrating admin job. Could this be why although I've always told those around me that I'm completely committed to my career choice, my apparent levels of effort have conveyed a very different thing - is this really where I want to be going? Am I willing to take the chances? I think now is the time to decide and do what needs to be done, if I spend all my time thinking rather than doing life will pass me by - all that is important to me will pass me by.

I'm stuck in a vicious circle at the moment, within my day job I've received the formal letter instructing that I am now at risk of redundancy. We're in the process of implementing a years worth of planning that will move the programme I'm in from being solely government funded to being a limited company. It essentially all depends on the public buying our product so we won't know whether we'll still have a job until pretty much the end of the funding at the end of March. There's nothing like impending unemployment to focus the mind, the question is do you stick where you are to help it succeed or do you start looking elsewhere with the prospect of jumping ship, probably into something a lot less fulfilling and enjoyable?

See for me they are the only options, I've got to be honest my photography business just isn't in good enough a position to make a living. So I've got to stick in there with my current job or find another full time one. Is that too pessimistic? I'm pretty sure if I wanted to I could pull out all the stops and build a wedding photography business, but firstly I don't particularly want to get stuck in a niche like that and secondly it will take time for that to happen. People book their weddings months if not years in advance - I have a wedding booking for July 2013. So if I start booking weddings now I could most likely only start earning properly in at least six months time.

I'm far too often accused of being too pessimistic, I see it as realistic but how can I reconcile the two? In one of the Sunday papers last weekend I read a short interview with the artist Gavin Turk, he said, "it's a careful balance being an artist. Being clever enough to have an idea and stupid enough to go ahead and actually make the idea a reality. It always surprises me when I join things in my head to form an idea. It's normally when I'm doing something else - driving, listening to the radio or brushing my teeth". 

It triggered a thought it my head, could it be that I'm intellectualising my position too much? Do I just need to stop the introspection and the existentialist meandering and just get on with it? Get over my stupid pride and the stupid belief that my talent (if there's even that much there) will get me the work and start shouting about myself. I haven't done any photography for myself in a long time. I've got to be honest I do suffer when I don't have a clear aim, when everything is disjointed the motivation simply doesn't exist. How can this one tiny task get me to where I need to be?

So plan for the worst sure, but don't let it overwhelm everything you do! It's rarely as bad as you think it is.

For Pete's sake! I forgot to bring home Kat Davidson's album, but fortunately I was sent a proof of it a couple of months ago. I've known Kat for a little while now, I used to share that cell of an office with her, I've heard her sing plenty of times in various contexts but her album quite shocked me - I was maybe in just the right mood for it but it really did something for me the first time I listened to it. It's always the emotion in any performance that really does it for me, nothing frustrates me more than bands who just seem to be going through the motions - I've seen too many local bands who I just wanted to slap because they appeared on stage like they didn't want to be there.

Anyway here's the cover of Kat's excellent album.

What do you think? The more I look at it the more proud of it I am.

The following paragraph may well be a terrible advert for myself, but you know what I don't think it is, the troubles I have had have mostly been based upon not being given a deadline for my work!

I know the simple task I had, to bring home an album, was a simple one but the fact that I didn't manage it prompted Lesson Two: Do what you say you will - meet your deadlines. There are two different types of deadline in my eyes, those set by yourself and those set by others. The latter are easy (if you're actually set deadlines!), if I'm told that work or photos are needed by a certain date then I can do - as soon as leeway is given, as soon as the deadline is uncertain it probably won't get done. A lot of the photography work I've done has occurred on a single day, but the deadline for providing the finished images has been so vague I've often found it hard in the past to get it done within a month, when someone says something along the lines of, "well we will only really need it in about three months" chances are I'll finish the edit a week before.

The second deadlines are those set by yourself, these are by far the hardest to keep! Who is going to tell you off for not doing? I'm not exactly into self flagellation so my form of self punishment tends to be an uneasy guilty feeling followed by a keep of tea, a biscuit and forgetting about it. Life often gets in the way, but that shouldn't be an excuse now should it?

So Lesson Two is perhaps one of the most important, meet your deadlines; be strict with yourself and do the bloody work no matter what it is. The only questions now are, where's my to do list? Where's my whip?

I suppose I have my first lesson then, "Learn to enjoy your achievements" - or should that more accurately be, learn how to be proud of what you've done in the past and not get too hung up on trying to work out what the future holds. In addition, somehow learn to allow your achievements to make you happy!

I'm perpetually hung up at the moment trying to divine the path I should take in order to build my photography. I have a goal, perhaps to broad a goal, but can I see how to get there?! Can I fuck! The problem is this dilemma takes over everything, it prevents me from doing the work I need to as I'm always second guessing myself. All of my real success so far has come from the shear enjoyment I derive from photography without any set goal, except I'm so caught up in building success I'm losing the enjoyment. I'm fighting a losing battle against myself; David vs his analytical mind.

So I've got to get back to the joy of photography, to taking pictures that ultimately make me smile and make those around me feel something.

But getting back to today's lesson, learning to enjoy your achievements. I now have in my possession two CD that feature some of my work, the first being the new EP from Lesley Roley, Living on the Line - the Nashville Sessions. Now I know I didn't take a single one of the photos but I was the man who threw the hole thing together for Lesley and I've got to be honest I'm really quite proud - I thrown in a couple of pictures from it below. Chances are you aren't here for my musical recommendations and chances are you're not going to listen to someone recommending their friend, but Lesley is a very talented singer/songwriter. If she isn't signed in the next year I will eat my own face - her new EP features a crack Nashville band and not nearly enough pedal steel! If you want to hear a little bit about her get along to her website at www.lesleyroley.com

The second CD is the debut album from local folk songstress Kat Davidson which she very kindly threw at me this very day. That'd be the very first copy of it she threw at me! Now rather than just some layout work, I actually took the album photo. The layout was instead done by a professional, a Mr Andy Thompson - he did a far better job than I suspect I ever could have done. But the cover photo on the other hand is all mine, I'm rather proud of it yet it's a photo I took well over six months ago. Worst thing is of course is that I've left the CD in my office drawer. So I'll make sure I have pictures for you tomorrow!