DAUS

Guess what’s happening in the next couple weeks?

I don’t know how I feel about having a one year old. Most days I just want to couch potate but instead I have to chase down a baby who tries to harm himself on accident if I let him get bored. I try not to default to screens but as of the past month or two we are definitely a Ms Rachel family. I don’t know what it is about her but it works. Overall life gets easier and happier but I’m sure toddlerhood brings its own challenges. I’m definitely enjoying the mobile baby stage so much better than newborn. We’ve been able to out for brunch again. I bought 2 watercolor sets because they were pretty. I still haven’t been able to sit down and paint but I find myself scrolling through art supplies again. What’s been interrupting my potential art time though has been the game Crimson Desert. I’m obsessed and have been needing a game like this for a long time. I have gripes about the buttons but I love a good open world exploration game. So I’ve been using Coops first nap for the gym and the second for games while I’m not working.

We did survive our first big trip to Phoenix. Airplane went great. Coop did great. He was so tired and jet lagged it was some of our best sleep even during the vacation.

I think for his birthday we are just going to stay home. We were looking at costs of things and I think I’m just going to order some decor and have a small party at home. (Because we are stressed weenies tobeforrealreal).

My kid will be 10 months old here in a few days and we get on his first airplane ride.

I’m so nervous and already know I’ll simultaneously over and under pack.

We also graduated from our cranial helmet and sadly don’t need it anymore. This unfortunately means since he is crawling and attempting to walk, he’s extremely clumsy and keeps hitting his head. We tried to hold onto the helmet for as long as we could but because his head is now within normal limits for shape, the helmet is quickly not fitting anymore. It’s funny how the helmet caused me such emotional distress and now we want to keep it forever. Another issue I’m having without it is transferring baby from my arms to crib when he is asleep. I usually scooped him up with one hand under his helmeted head but now he wakes up because I’m actually gripping his head and not helmet. I’m getting creative now with a burp cloth under his head instead but the fear of suffocation has me getting extra creative squiggling the cloth from out under him after I make the transfer.

Easter was a bit of a bust this year. I still got him a basket and took some photos near our house but babies nap time is so random sometimes that we keep missing events.

I have a 9 month old. I was admiring the way he was holding his bottle yesterday. He likes to feed himself these days, now capable of crawling to his bottle on the floor, rolling onto his back, flip the bottle upside right and hold it at just the right angle and where the weight is distributed correctly (holding bottle by the neck) to get milk in his mouth. Up until this point he really has been kind of puppy-ish. Basic needs that we do for him. Now I can see the human thought patterns form. Like he understands gravity on some level. It was so very not like a puppy.

Anyway, think he got his first head cold the other night. His face was stuffy and couldn’t breathe when I put him down. One of our worst nights. Now I wonder if I’m not feeling well either. Hopefully it’s just a result of 3rd winter hitting.

I also built him his first Easter basket with small gifts. We plan to go to the local church to do an Easter egg hunt. I don’t expect it to be good but rather just take a few photos to say I did. It feels like a lot of effort that he can’t enjoy just yet but I am glad I did the Halloween pumpkin photo shoot. Not gonna miss first Easter. We are still trying to decide what we want to do for his first birthday. Overall this period of babyhood is getting easier though we’ve still had some bad days.

Mom’s gonna watch him so we can see Project Hail Mary in theaters this weekend. He’s going to meet some extended family for the first time. We then fly out to phoenix in a couple weeks.

Going to enter my rocket ship era. Not sure how consistent I will be but I feel like screaming into the void again with random thoughts so I may restart my threads seeing as how it looks like it’s had a lot of updates since I left it. Twitter seems devoid of life or I’m just not posting there regularly that I can’t see anything anymore..probably both.

I downloaded new brushes for procreate to help encourage creativity. Problem is since I got my iPad fixed everything feels ultra sensitive and I’m pushing wrong buttons that I didn’t used to hit and it’s irritating me. Also, I’m still prioritizing the gym over anything else. I just feel as I get older I need to maintain non sedentary habits. So my free time is going to be fitness first. Art comes last. I haven’t picked up a console game either since baby was born. I’m still playing dreamlight valley on the switch because it’s just simple and convenient to pick up and put down at a moments notice.

I am also trying to plan my babies first birthday. Last year I said I wanted to take him to the beach on his first and now that it’s almost here I think I will chicken out. Also, I built a birthday wish list online but I feel I’m just going to buy everything before his birthday even gets here.

Still no teeth, on the very edge of almost crawling. I don’t think he’s an unmanageable guy and a pretty happy guy but he’s putting my other-half through the wringer and he’s antsy to return to work as stay at home parenthood is not for him. We put April as our time to make a decision on what we plan to do. We are flying out to Arizona for my sister in laws wedding and then we have to make some big adult decisions on where we want to live and put down roots. I’m already nervous about the plane ride because I already hate planes and then to have my child on one makes me want to vomit.

Husband also pulled the ‘what do we want to do for his birthday, it’s in a few months’…which is gnarly crazy. I feel like I’m in a time warp where life is going fast and slow at the same time. I stare at my kid and it feels like he has been a baby forever but then I stare at my life and am watching it fly by.

Life is getting a little easier though. I’ve been prioritizing gym time in my free time but I find myself pulling out my switch more as I have time for some games and tv shows again. Still not quite back to being able to illustrate though. I had to go get my iPad fixed and lost years worth of sketches and drawings which is..super sad and disparaging. Luckily anything major I’ve done was transferee back and forth between my iPad and desktop or uploaded online.

I decorated and cleaned up my computer room a bit and my sons in his own room now. I purchased a new watercolor set for Christmas but still haven’t used it. Just taking one day at a time.

I technically did 2 illustrations this year, this one below and some simple sunflowers.

It is indeed hard to do hobbies with a baby. I've mentioned it before but in my free time I've been prioritizing the gym and sleep over anything else. I've doodled a few times in procreate. I guess I could collage them together, but pulling out art supplies in our small townhome with a needy baby is just..a lot of work.

I did splurge for christmas and I bought myself another watercolor set though I dont know when Ill be able to use it. Hopefully sometime in this next year. Maybe on this long weekend I can just swatch it maybe but I have no illustrations to illustrate.

My baby turned 6 months old, we did our first small Christmas today. I'm excited for future years where he can be excited and participate. I want to watch all the Christmas themed movies and shows and bake cookies and get mad when he pokes holes in presents. I hope in the near future we will have a bigger place where I can put up the big tree (then again, next year he will be toddlering and probably eating ornaments..)

We are going to go out to eat today which is something we've kind of never done before on Christmas. We usually cook at home. Gonna dress the baby up cute and hopefully itll be loud enough in the restaurant for when he inevitably has a baby moment and nobody will notice.

We did take him to see some christmas lights and he's done really good recently in public.

We will probably move him to our guest bedroom here soon (maybe this weekend) to see if it allows us to get better sleep in the end. But immediately I can see me glued to the baby monitor getting no sleep at all because I'm scared. He's in a rolling phase now where he wants to sleep on his belly but cant get comfortable and then he gets himself stuck and cries. Im afraid he will get stuck and I wont be there to save him T_T

our card this year came out fabulous, we got lots of great photos. Only reason I'm posting my sons face here like this is because his head is turned. This Santa and Mrs Claus were fantastic.

Our goals for the new year are to potentially move and move into a bigger place. Trash our furniture and buy a new set. Our living room and kitchen sets are almost 10 years old and on their last legs. We will probably look into either me trading in my car or getting it repainted because the desert in El Paso tore the paint the pieces when we were stationed there. Need to get my kid a new car seat for his daddies car. Said dad would like a camper we can take trips in too. And I also plan to start a new 5 year journal. Feel like 2026 is going to be very expensive and go by pretty fast.

but anyways, hope you guys had a good one.

month 4 has not been my favorite month. I hope month 5 treats us nicer but from what I read online, probably not.

My baby is still not rolling. I fully expect him to do it in the middle of the night when Im asleep for optimum panic. I do feel like half of his cranky pants issues will be resolved when he is able to roll on his own. I have a feeling that he will continue to be cranky most of month 5 because of the frustration of being an aware baby human but being unable to move. My husband has been taking a brunt of the screaming baby this past month. I've atleast been at work so I can take a "break" but! then I feel guilty for being at work and then I come home and essentially put the baby to bed and then I have to get ready for bed soon after. Its like my poor husband gets no adult companionship. Its been a long month. I do the night time care with baby and he's been putting me through the ringer too with his new desire to wake every hour. Month 3 was great. He would wake up around 1am and then 5am. Past 2 weeks-ish I was up every hour with him and then had to get ready for work. Ive decided to try and change things up a little bit. I know he associates sleep with food (nursing in particular) at night and I know he's completing a sleep cycle and waking and thinks he cant go back to sleep without nursing. So Ive been trying to let him self soothe some of his wake ups which past couple days I think we've actually slept better. Its just hard to tell which of the cries are self-soothable and which aren't unless I let him cry for a moment and instinct tells me to pick him up immediately when I hear a noise. But night before last I fed him twice and he self soothed 3 times (and it only takes him a couple minutes to go back to sleep). Last night I fed him three times and he self soothed twice. So thats a lot better than putting him on a boob and hoping I dont fall asleep while holding him.

I think the other part of the problem is is my baby is snacker rather than a meal eater. He wont eat more than 4oz in a bottle at a time and he eats pretty frequently during the day. I see other babies online eating like 6-7oz. I have to wean him from the boob anyway so I'd like to try and get to a point where like 1am and 5am is meal time and the rest self soothing. So we may need to try and encourage more meals during the day to dissuade snacking. Ive cut off all boobs during the day and I havent had to pump at work at all this week.

weaning has been very emotional for me somehow. Thanks hormones. I started the process of commissioning as an officer in the military and theres potential school dates in january and april. I cant go to school if Im breastfeeding. Its honestly causing some inner turmoil. I dont particularly enjoy breastfeeding and enjoy having my bodily autonomy back but the hormones sure do mess with your brain.

We've also been going for Physical Therapy for his right sided torticollis and saw an orthotist for possible helmet therapy. He's had a wonky head shape since birth. I had hoped once he started to get more mobile his head would round out but PT and the orthotist made it seem unlikely. I honestly cant tell if its fear mongering on worried parents because I read other countries dont do helmets like the US. But they also make it seem like time is running out and my child will be affected forever. The helmet is $2400 out of pocket and thats not..comfortable. So I have to make a decision by end of December and I dont know what the right choice is.

Made it again to the end of the year. I worked Halloween but we didn’t get any trick or treaters anyway. So we are slowly eating the candy we bought to pass out by ourselves. We did take the baby down the road to a local trunk or treat earlier in the week. The weather was bad so they moved it indoors. It was small and we only stayed for about 20 minutes but atleast we got to see our baby in a silly costume for a moment. We dressed him up as spider man and he had a little mask and it was so cute. But otherwise it was a quiet Halloween.

Daylight savings time is already causing ruckus on babies sleep. I’m hoping I get some sleep tonight as I work tomorrow. This weekend we took baby to the mall and I did manage to get one of the purchases I’ve been needing to buy (trousers/slacks). I really wanted to purchase some new jeans but it’ll have to wait for another baby wake window because I don’t think he’d have the patience for me to go in anymore dressing rooms. We then went out for barbecue and he tolerated that restaurant really well too. Was actually a well behaved day.

Oh for my birthday (Because I worked then too) my husband got me a cake and a set of pajamas and a lounge shirt/pants set. It didn’t occur to me until way too late after that he had to go out with the baby himself to get the cake. That’s a huge step for him to do. I am loving both sets of essentially pajamas tho. That’s all I wanted anyway. Now that Christmas is coming up I get to do my other favorite past time of looking at other people’s gift recommendations or wish lists. I can’t think of anything other than maybe another color of this lounge set and a new journal for the new year. I need to be careful collecting much more clothes, I already have so much and our house is so small, it feels cluttered so fast. I really need to go through all my older clothes and toss a bunch of stuff. For our kid, we’ve decided to really only ask for essentials (Formula and diapers) because everything else is a tripping hazard. I don’t feel like baby has too many clothes per se but most baby clothes are just inconvenient. So he mostly wears the same few onsies over and over because they’re less stressful to put on despite there being cute outfits out there.

My husbands found the baby seems to be chill with Christmas music playing and I half have the urge to decorate..but it’s the claustrophobia feeling that I’m fighting with.

We are going month to month on our lease and it’s costing us an extra 50$/mo. We are discussing possibly driving out of town as a family soon for a trip but it does sound anxiety inducing. We got a new fancy car seat and had a bad experience with it and now I’m afraid to use it again.

Oh and new milestones. Babies laughing more. It takes a lot to coax out a laugh but he’s doing it. He’s extremely talkative and loves blowing raspberries. We went to physical therapy the other day for his mild torticollis and he has more strength than I realized, he’s just lazy. He’s also getting too big to bathe in his bath on our kitchen counter. He’s discovered splashing water with his feet which is making a huge mess. We will have to figure out how to bathe him in our tub and maybe pull out some of the bath toys we were gifted. Also, his umbilical hernia is seemingly finally fixing itself. It literally decided to suck itself inwards within a couple hours one evening. Still no interest in food yet but I’ve tried to put a couple sauces on his tongue. No attempt at swallowing it.

I still mourn every day that I get older (my birthday is tomorrow) but I want time to go by faster so I can take my kiddo out to do fun things.

At 4 months old, my kiddo has gotten to much better at holding his head up. Its making it so much easier to carry him. He's enjoying blowing raspberries. His umbilical hernia, last night, decided it wanted to be an innie and I havent seen it pop back out today which is super cool. Dudes also enjoying toys a whole lot more. My husband still has a lot of anxiety issues surrounding taking the baby out. Bless him, he did take the baby for a physical therapy appointment by himself while I was at work the other day. He said it was a terrible experience but atleast he was able to go out. So thats a plus. But our kid has a bit of a crooked head and right side preference. Next month, we are going to possibly get him fitted for a helmet. But he's getting so much better at sitting up and turning his head, I kind of hope his head fixes itself.

I got him 2 halloween costumes too. We may go down to a local church trunk or treat but maybe not. Our cul-du-sac has quite a few young babies and children in it too so I may need to go pick up a small bag of candy to pass out but I dont think we will do much else this year. I wanted to try boo at the zoo but then read reviews and then going out in the evening with said baby sounds like a lot of work.

My sister in law has come and gone. She came to visit and I'm glad she did. She seems like she really enjoyed spending time with our baby which was very very sweet and I dont think we bored her too much.

and maybe my kid is going through a bit of a "sleep regression" though I hesitate to call it that. He has been enjoying a few nights of waking up every hour which has exhausted me and then going to work the next morning.

We are still in a stand still about moving and are not really happy with our current state of being but are also still trying to figure out what we want in life. Feels like forever purgatory. Also, why is there no family friendly fun halloween films out this year?

Baby has also learned to use his hands real well. Starting to grab and pull. Starting to put toys in his mouth. His wake windows are getting longer. He is still weak at turning his head to the left but we are practicing and I hope his flat head gets better. We also started putting him front facing in the stroller which seems to make walks much more tolerable. Holding his head up is much much better and I can feel him bracing his back and core when sitting up. I did get one of those hip seat carriers because he still likes to be held forward facing and it’s killing my back. So far it’s helping a ton. He also seems very interested in Mickey Mouse clubhouse which isn’t my favorite show but surprisingly he can’t stand Mrs Rachel content. Our life is just constant changing entertainment stations to keep baby occupied until he goes down for a nap.

My husband pretty sure has some relatively decent post partum anxiety. He’s doing really well with a routine at home with the baby but I knew before baby was born he may not thrive in a ‘stay at home’ setting. Hopefully we get decent day care at the turn of the year. But leaving the house with baby is a huge challenge for him. My SIL will be here in a few days and my husband has some grand aspirations of travelling a couple hours up the road to see some sights. We will see what we can do.

Otherwise, work is ok. I feel like I’m still getting dumber by the day. I think I can only use pregnancy brain and post-partum brain for so long. I’m still awaiting my first big paycheck since returning but I think we are in a perpetual cycle of saving money until we figure out how to level up in life again. Alas, it is nice to get out of the house. I’m tired but not too bad. Also, my migraines (Which went away during pregnancy) have returned. I still periodically get in artsy moods but it’s difficult to find time to focus.

His sleep schedule is ever evolving. The other night he almost went the entire night except a few minutes before my alarm went off. I just didn't really get to enjoy it because all night long I slept half awake because I was waiting for him to wake up...and he never did.

But I am back to work now. Things seem to be going ok, Im not horribly sleep deprived. I've read online theres a 4 month sleep regression but I'm still used to baby waking up multiple times a night so I'm not too scared. Husband at home with the baby and I think he's found a routine thats somewhat working for him. Our life has evolved into one of those of showing people pictures of my baby on my phone and then following the babies strict-ish nap schedule at home.

Now the only thing is I'm getting the strong-ish urge to draw and paint again. That feeling has been gone since pregnancy but now its coming back and I'm fighting with time between babies nap time and going to the gym, babies nap time and bathing, babies nap time and drawing, babies nap time and gaming...its still a lot of boring, but boring where you can't really get to involved in something else because theres still not enough time to do it.

We are planning to dump our realtor and look for a new rental here soon until the housing market collapses or something.

I'm looking forward to life chugging forward a little faster.

I cant really say that was "really fast" just yet. In the future I will be on facebook looking back at memories and saying "wow, cant believe how fast that went by" but right now that felt like the longest 3 months of my life. I'm semi excited to return to work but I'm also super nervous and second guessing everything.

My baby is in a cool stage now where he is still waking up a couple times a night but atleast they're convenient times and I feel decently rested. Though the first day I get to actually sleep all night will be a blessing. We are also in a decent nap taking stage where I can get him down in his crib during the day for naps at relatively consistent times. It kind of frees up my hands more so than before but still not really to do anything creative. Me and my spouse have enjoyed our limited free time playing Blue Prince on the PS5. Otherwise, I submitted a vacancy notice for our current townhome. Think we decided given the current housing market that it would be best to just remain renters but we still need a lot more space with the baby. I long for the day we can buy him excessive toys to put under the christmas tree.

My sister in law comes down in a few weeks to visit. Our kid is a lot bigger than when my MIL came down and I think he can tolerate to do more outings but not by much so hopefully my SiL doesnt get horribly bored. And then hopefully we arent in the middle of moving houses..

currently Im getting my work bag ready for in the morning. Hopefully I dont cry at work and my husband doesnt cry at home on baby duty. I dont even remember my work passwords and I'm sure as a welcome back present I'll get some snide remarks about dropping to part time and get put in the undesirable rooms with the undesirable cases. I have to figure out how to pump at work but I feel like this may be the beginning of the end of breastfeeding at the start of weaning.

I just want this time to pass and be wherever we need to be in the future for happiness. I want our kid to be excited to go on adventures with us and have a lot of fun (but ofcourse the idea of him growing makes me sad too)

Somehow, I have a 2 month old.

This is simultaneously the longest and fastest adventure of my life. Still feel like pregnancy was the shortest whirlwind while maternity leave has been like watching paint dry.

Things are getting more normal. My husbands anxiety of taking the baby out lessens. We've walked around the mall, downtown and ate in a restaurant for the first times with no incidents. My husbands even slightly unpacked the diaper bag so it isnt so full.

I gave away all the newborn clothes I was gifted as we've grown out of them. Was going to wait til the little guy outgrew his 0-3mo clothes but somebody on fb was asking for donations. Otherwise, Coop has doubled in size, he likes mirrors but we are slowly introducing toys as hes becoming more aware and also more talkative. He got his first set of vaccines yesterday too. He also has a gnarly umbilical hernia the doc said will go away but its grossing me out. He still wakes up multiple times at night but he's polite about it. He sleeps in his crib more but we got a 3 in one crib that "grows" with your kid and I'm afraid we may need to go to the next size soon. I have no space for this lol. I had to buy him 3-6 month onsies because he's getting too big and Im trying to get through these size 1 diapers because Im sure we need to go up a size too. Just growing growing. Its honestly hurting me a bit to nurse because he doesnt fit in my arms too well.

adult-wise, we are still house hunting and I dropped to part time at work but dont return for a few more weeks. Ive been trying to go to the gym daily to feel accomplished. I'm pretty proud of how my body looks after having a kid but theres definitely been some shape changes. My old clothes are a bit small. But I'm only 10lbs heavier which I think it quite a flex and acceptable.

Trying to also doodle in the ipad but Im still mainly stuck on doomscrolling tiktok. I feel bad because I had really planned on reading books during my maternity leave but Ive failed that. Also, my husbands sister is supposed to come visit in October which is crazy that its not that far away.

I still google thing for resources though so it just comes with the territory.

I've been transitioning baby to his bassinet/mini crib. We've been co-sleeping but now that he's like doubled in size and I'm less fearful I've been making the change. I had intended for him to sleep in his crib this entire time because I don't want to co-sleep with older kids. I want them in their own bedroom but boy...that first week of life is really rough and scary. He also wouldnt go to sleep in it. He's 7 weeks as of thursday and he has taken to his crib with really no issues. Couple times, I've still caved and put him back with me on some bad nights but otherwise the crib has been a non issue. I think one problem is is my house has such weird AC. Its either freezing cold or its hot. I'd rather it be cold when I sleep than hot but the air vents in my room are super powerful. Big ol empty crib just gets cold and I wouldnt want to lay in it without blankets either. So Ive been warming it up with a heating pad first. Now when we get ready for bed he dresses up like a winter expedition. I got the long sleeved/legged onsie with the foldover mitten sleeves, a hat and a sleep sack. Also, since his vision has notably gotten better, we discovered he likes lights. The Hatch night light we were gifted has been very useful to us..the rain noises put my husband to sleep and the rainbow light cycle trances the baby out. So its like, nurse baby til milk drunk, burp, dress in night clothes with owlett sock, place in warm bed (with heating pad removed) and watch him fall asleep while watching the rainbow lights. I follow same technique in middle of the night and he'll continue to go to sleep in it through the duration. If only we could get like a full 5 hour stretch of sleep at night.

I'm getting a decent consistent wake cycle at midnight, 2:30-3am and then 5am which honestly does wonders for my mental health. Because I dont really count midnight as middle of the night and my husband gets up at 5am. So really, if I squint, its like I'm only getting up with the kid once at night. Its when he does the 12, 2, 4am that kills me.

but like, knock on wood he's not a difficult baby. I read that peak fussy time for babys is week 6-8. We had one really fussy baby a few days ago. I think it was just a weird type of cluster feeding and growth spurt. It just wasn't like his other cluster feeding episode though. He was just cranky and wouldnt take a nap. It was also like he'd try to eat so much but then couldn't handle it and it would hurt his stomach (I think) from being so full. But I think he's over it now because he was nice all day yesterday and then last night and today he's just a sleepy guy and getting full much faster and he's pleasant. So I think that spurt has ended. But even when he was super cranky it wasn't that bad.

Again, I'm jinxing myself, he's still fresh from the womb even though I feel like its been 6 months.

I do think he's doubled in size though. No idea what he weighs but he was 8lbs at last visit and I swear he has to be like 12. Im pulling out all my 3month clothes because he's outgrown everything and I'm afraid we will need to size up in diapers.

Otherwise we are begrudgingly house hunting with little luck and lots of depression. I have gone to a few job interviews that have also been disappointing. I did get brave and message my manager asking to drop to part time but "also please dont fire me for asking" but he seemed very agreeable. Which he seems like an extremely nice guy, I'm not surprised but I feel like it might get negative feedback from my coworkers. I just cant do the 4, 10-12 hour days and on call every day off except one weekend a month. I knew it was a bit naive to think that would be manageable during pregnancy and I told my coworkers I planned to come back but it might be wishful thinking...and yeah now that kid is here that schedule wont be manageable.

we are still not quite in a happy comfortable zone though. Still feel out of place but baby is good.

this is not proof read and a jumbled mess but I need to go out..so thats my update for now. Later.

I did pull out all his newborn clothes because I had to cut him out of a onesie the other day. Just wasn’t worth it to try and get it back off. I’m afraid he will grow out of his size 1 diapers soon and we just switched from newborns! I have 3 boxes of size 1s left!

I think the other thing people don’t warn you about with babies is the pure boredom you experience on maternity leave. Not to ruin my luck but technically he isn’t difficult to care for. He is only awake in short spurts, enough to change and eat before he’s asleep again. It’s just he’s too small still to do anything with. Me and the husband take turns leaving the house because even though little dude sleeps a while it isn’t long enough to travel and handle being out and about. It’s also so hot outside. We walk around our cul du sac or a local park in the evenings. But the days drag. I did start going to the gym again. I have my own doctor follow up Monday. I think my bodies bounced back well, just the shape has changed a bit.

I guess I managed to sketch a little doodle (below) which means little things are coming back into my life. I have a hard time getting into video games though. Seems as soon as I pull out the iPad or turn on the PlayStation, baby knows and protests.

I’ve had a few job interviews and need to contact my actual employer soon. Either I’m returning, quitting or threatening I need to work less but I still have 6 weeks left of leave.

We have been house hunting but it’s been depressing. Still trying to decide if we should stay or move. We can’t afford what we want. Mega conglomerate cooperations are buying land and putting up expensive new builds we just can’t do.

‘We have money coming in, we have a roof, we are healthy…just aimless.

My main motherhood gripes are not the sleep schedule but

1. Clothes. All clothes. Nursing bras? Inconvenient and look tacky. Baby hates any clothing that comes in contact with him while nursing. Anything I can lift up is better (or just be naked). Now outfits are harder to plan because what can I wear with easy boob access? And then if it’s a bra with removable padding the padding gets wadded every-time you lift up your shirt. Also, the air conditioner is cold at night. I like to sleep as naked as possible at night normally because clothing feels constricting but now I have wake up to change and feed baby so I have to put clothes on or else I’m uncomfortable with the tired. So now I’m sleeping in warm clothes and uncomfortable while sleeping. Also, my baby has a hard time latching unless I sit up ramrod straight. I’m often picking up baby and having to scootch back into a better position on the couch or bed which then makes my pants/shorts ride up or get twisted. All of it is super overstimulating.

1a. Let’s not talk about putting clothes on baby. You would think dressing baby up would be the fun part. It isn’t. You think you’re going to hurt him the whole time. Whether is accidental scratching him with the clothes or your fingers or snapping his floppy neck or pushing in his soft spots or taking out an eyeball. He’s screaming the whole time. On top of he moistens everything frequently with body fluids and you have to get to his diaper easy. You have to worry about him being hot or cold or whether he will strangle himself at night. Putting arms in long sleeves is hard. Some of these buttons and zippers are too complicated at 2am. You quickly learn just because it’s cute doesn’t mean it’s practical.

2. He sleeps a lot which is normal. Makes you paranoid you aren’t doing enough for him and just waiting for him to wake to put him back to sleep.

3. The amount of baby stuff you accumulate makes you claustrophobic.

4. We are getting cabin fever because he’s too small to do much with. Leaving the house is risky in so many ways but you start getting so bored. But also by the time you pull out something like the iPad to draw on or try to do a chore…he wakes up. The easiest thing to do is internet doom scroll.

5. Everything on the internet is there to make you feel terrible as a parent. You say you won’t go on any form of baby social media but then you need internet as a resource and the algorithm knows you have a kid now. Internet will have you convinced anything you do will k*ll your baby. The biggest mind-f*ck is anything involving sleep. You need sleep as the parent. Do what is safest for you to get sleep while keeping baby safe. Ignore what the internet says. If it doesn’t work for you it doesn’t work. Internet is mental about sleeping.

‘Also, we made it to a month.

Again, cute but not practical and not fun lol

I dont actually know what to do with myself. I have a baby and he is somehow keeping me busy but also terribly bored at the same time. I have both free time and no time. I've been the most sedentary the past couple months than I have been in a decade.

He's so small, cant really take him anywhere. Im still healing with stitches that I forget are there until the end of the day. I wont be cleared for anything until my follow up next month. Im not complaining, baby will grow and we can do stuff again and thats what Im looking forward to. I look forward to taking him to brunch and his baby hands slamming into food and him looking at me wide mouthed begging for a bite. I just dont know how to pass the time now. If I open a video game baby wakes up but I also dont want to put him down. I cant draw for the same reason. I also, simultaneously, cant imagine how returning to work, works. He's just so tiny and no concept of 4-8 hour sleeps, that Id never sleep. I am not neglecting my spouses contributions. He cares for baby just as much but baby is only 2 weeks old. It feels like its been a month o.o we have cabin fever. Our 24 hour cycles right now are feed/poop/sleep every 2 hours and lots of laundry. Husband goes for groceries almost daily to get out of the house T.T I want my baby to grow so we can play but Im mourning my not being pregnant anymore and baby is so cute in his stringbean newborn era, I dont want him to grow. Everything is very contradictory.

But everybody is very healthy. Ive had extended family come and see our little guy from the other end of the country. Its very sweet. He got to meet his great great grandpa and both grandmas and cousins and aunties.