Alexanne Dauntless

Today is our 1st wedding anniversary.

It feels like it was only yesterday, that we got married in Copenhagen on a chilly Wednesday, with just a few of our closest friends and family in attendance. It took all of 6 and a half minutes to seal the deal. It was loving, direct and honest; just like our relationship.

We’ve sure had our fair share of ups and downs since that wonderful moment where we publicly confirmed our love to one and all. We’ve endured a years worth of COVID restrictions and all that it entails, packing and selling up our lives, saying goodbyes, being stranded and, now, integrating into Aussie life…

And you know what?

While each of us have had our problems (and in each scenario the other is affected) our relationship hasn’t suffered one bit. We are solid as a rock… In fact, I’d say, with each challenge we are growing closer, stronger and deeper…

Alex is the best. Her support is unwavering. Honestly, I’ve never experienced this kind of support from anyone, ever. I have some amazingly supportive friends, I’ve had some great partners and I have a loving family, but no one has ever had this much confidence in me.

Not even me.

Alex has not once even whispered I can’t do anything I even thought about doing, and when I actually start voicing I’d like to try something… Whatever it may be… Her answer is always “yes baby, you can do it”.

I can honestly say, that each day has been an adventure with Alex. Her consistent affection, support and love has been a blessing. One that I couldn’t live without…

By example, I know I can rely on her.

Alex has shown she is smart and knows me all too well. As example, our kitten Mijo… She knew we weren’t ready for a dog, we both have left over baggage from our puppies we had to say goodbye to in Germany. Also our lifestyle just isn’t yet suitable for the demanding (yet loving) needs of a puppy/dog. We haven’t really settled on a routine. But a cat, especially one that I can train to do some of those dog like things, would be perfect. She also knew I would never have made that decision on my own… She knew me well enough to make the decision for me….

Those dark days soon disappeared once I held the boy and started to take care of him.

I could go on about how important she is to me, how loving and caring and supportive she is… I have plenty of stories too!! But… I know I have to keep this blog interesting and I prefer that no one vomits while reading this…

So… in summary…

Our marriage is as strong (if not stronger) than when we tied the knot a year ago. We stand side by side, holding hands, taking each adventure (or challenge) as it comes together.

Today we celebrate our anniversary with our “honeymoon v1.0 – the short trip away”. This is our first chance, since we got married, to get away from it all for a few days and do something together, just the two of us.

I saw this anniversary message and I think it sums us up “cheers to two imperfect pieces that fit perfectly together”. I love you Alex.

Thanks for reading,

Josh

2 weeks into 2021, and what have we here… I’m actually busy…

In fact, I am so busy I don’t think I can go out and find a job or find a course to study.

I could barely find time to write this blog!

A few weeks ago I was having trouble being motivated to do anything, but I kept on keepin’ on…. Now, because I never say no…

OK, that’s as far as I got writing my blog on Thursday 14th in the evening…

Alex and mum were out of the house and I finally found time to write. I was going to write about how I was slowly becoming busy, motivated and focused… How much fun I found in recording/songwriting again, and how I was pick up the guitar again… I was kind of self motivating, self perpetuating… I was moving forward… I even said yes to playing a gig!

And then the girls came home…

My beautiful wife knows me very well. She’s unstoppable with her care, love and support. There’s no mountain high enough, no valley deep enough… Even though her autism often prohibits her from finding sarcasm in my sense of humor, she listens very well, and somehow she will read between the lines when things get serious.

She knew full well I was missing “My Daughter”. She knew that longing for fur companionship was strong with me. I not only missed Mijita, but I missed my 3 cats, Catalina, Mathilda and Gizmo.

When we left Germany I left my whole life behind. Pets, friends, family, music and memories… It hasn’t been easy to come to terms with all of that. I know, I know, it was my choice, but that doesn’t make it any easier, does it?? I have feelings you know…

So what did Alex go out and do?

She found “Mijo”, my son, a 9 week old Maine Coon x Ragdoll and brought him home to me, 2 weeks before my birthday.

Alex knew that I would never choose to get a new pet until our situation here settled. Until we had a routine that could fit in a puppy or a kitten. Mum already has an older female cat, and we all figured we’d wait and see how long Ruby will last, before jumping into pet ownership. Surely a dog would also be a little too much right now.

But Alex also knew I was missing being a fur Dad.

I was quite shocked, I could barely find the emotions to express my surprise. Dumbfounded!

Who, me? Lost for words? Oh yes!!!!

When that little grey bundle of joy was plopped on my chest (I had my eyes closed leaning back on a chair) I fell in love.

I made a promise to this little guy, that no matter what, I would never leave him… No matter what, he’s sticking with Alex and I until… well… until the end… I couldn’t bear another goodbye… It’s funny how my mind went to that subject, but I do miss my pets back in Germany, and I don’t want to ever feel that that again.

It’s been almost week, and I haven’t stopped being busy, but this time for other reasons… I did manage to play guitar a couple of times, and yes I’ve left Mijo home alone, I’ve gone to the shops or visited folks. But basically, when I’m home, I’m with him. Holding him, watching him, playing with him, training him and of course loving him.

We all know cats choose their parent, and while Alex chose him for me, in the end, this little boy only has eyes for me. He chose me to be his Fur-Daddy, and it shows. He loves to follow me around. He always sleeps by my side. He “meows” eyes for me.*

Alex supports me… She guides me to make choices that, deep down, I already know. She guides me to follow my feelings, by asking the right questions… In this case, she felt my true answer to the question of pet ownership, and took control of the situation, to bring happiness and joy to us all.

Honestly, I’m still in shock… It’s one of the greatest gifts someone could give, the gift of joy.

Sure, I’ve had a few kitty litter accidents, the vet costs a bit, a few partly sleepless nights but when I’m not with him, I’m thinking of him…. He brings me all the joy, love and attention that one could want from a fur baby.

Thank you Mijo for choosing me. Thank you Alex (and mum) for making it happen. Thanks Ruby for tolerating a kitten in your Princess Castle.

And thank you folks, for reading

Josh

*cat speak for “he only has eyes for me”

UH WHAT

This might have been the bit that hit me hardest, actually:

it would be easy to misinterpret the following scenario as a standoff between two partners: Imagine that your partner asks you to pay the electric bill, and you say to yourself, “OK, I have time to do that today.” But when you sit down to do it, you keep getting distracted. The ADHD brain needs higher stimulation in order to complete this rote task with minimal payoff. Your ADHD brain says, “That task is way too boring, and I refuse to focus on it. Find something that interests me more, which offers me a bigger dopamine reward, and I’ll work with you.” It doesn’t matter that you know you should pay the bill as promised; if your brain won’t engage, it’s an ugly standoff. Perhaps, after a day of procrastination — when your partner will be home in 20 minutes and the bill is still unpaid — there may be enough of an adrenaline rush from a sense of crisis that your brain will engage and you pay the bill.

The ADHD brain and its owner are at odds with one another. It’s difficult to compel a disengaged brain to engage by force of will. In fact, much of the treatment for ADHD involves learning to psych out the brain, so that it will attend to necessary, low-stimulation tasks.

Appreciating the tug-of-war within that pits intellect against neurobiology increases compassion and acceptance for one’s hidden struggle.

I feel SEEN. OTZ

This is why! Omg. This is why. I couldn’t do keto. I tried like five times and every time I couldn’t mask properly, I burned out much quicker, and raged incessantly.

That word DOES NOT MEAN you’re making it up. It doesn’t mean you’re imagining the symptom. What it means is that the symptom ISN’T DIRECTLY CAUSED BY ANY OF THE THINGS THAT WOULD NORMALLY CAUSE IT.

I fought to get a PCOS diagnosis for 2 and a half years. For the ENTIRE time I was fighting, I was dealing with 3 cysts that were not going away by themselves and eventually required surgery to remove. At one point close to the end of the battle, I suddenly went blind. I was visiting my parents and was standing on the veranda looking out over the tree we had planted in memory of my dog and suddenly I got one of the shooting pains that I was quite frankly used to at that point and my vision started to go dark. It was like the sun was setting while being completely hidden behind storm clouds but it was 2pm in the middle of Summer on a clear day. Within about 30 seconds I couldn’t see ANYTHING. I was 27 years old and I was screaming for my mother.

My mum raced me to her doctor (he was a 15 minute drive away as opposed to 45 minutes to the nearest hospital) and he quickly worked out that there was nothing wrong with my eyes and what had happened was totally unrelated to them. Then he said it was psychosomatic and I freaked out, yelling that I was NOT making this up and I definitely wasn’t imagining it. Very quickly he calmed me down and said he believed me and I had misunderstood. He explained that whatever was going on with my abdominal pains (he suggested PCOS which I hadn’t even heard of at that point) had been ignored for so long that my body was starting to do things other than the normal pain response to try to draw my attention to the problem. My sight going was my body basically jumping around in front of me going “HEY ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME HELLLOOOOOOO??????”

He gave me some prescription strength painkillers and my sight started to come back as soon as they started to kick in. About 45 minutes after it started I could see well enough to walk around without help and within a day and a half I was back to normal. On top of that I finally had a scan booked to figure out what the hell was causing all the pain.

When I was 18, only a few months after graduating from high school, I started having seizures. Serious, triggered at the drop of a hat, knock me unconscious for an hour or more and leave me dazed for days kind of seizures.

I was rushed to hospital two or three times within the space of a week after passing out in the middle of cooking dinner or talking with my family, but the hospital could not find anything wrong with me. I spent a week in the hospital in a planned admission, connected to an EEG monitor for 23 hours a day with the doctors hoping to catch my seizures in action and finally figure out what they were. I don’t know how many seizures I had during that week, but at the end of it, they said that even after all that, there was nothing wrong with me. After that, they sent me to a psychologist.

I was diagnosed with PNES - Psychogenic Non-Epileptic Siezures. Essentially, it was explained to me, I had been ignoring my anxiety and PTSD for so long that my body was acting out just like @kamorth ’s had. When they started treating me for anxiety and PTSD, my siezures eventually turned into panic or anxiety attacks, and then stopped altogether.

The first time my doctor told me she thinks it’s psychosomatic, I too flipped out at first, until she explained that the pain is 100% real to me, and she believes that I feel the pain, it’s just that I am most likely ignoring a lot of other symptoms that have led my body to escalate like “WILL YOU FUCKING LISTEN TO ME YOU ARE NOT WELL!!!”

Both times this happened I was suffering from severe burn out syndrome. Chronic lack of sleep, disordered eating, and intense amounts of stress at work that I was pushing down and plowing through led to my body finally launching desperate efforts to tell me I need to STOP.

The first time, it was my knee. Out of the blue I woke up one day and my knee hurt so bad I could barely walk on it, which freaked me out. No infection, no breakage, nothing. There was clinically nothing wrong with my knee, but it felt like I had smashed it against a wrecking ball for months on end.

The second time, it was my heart. It felt like it was going 100 miles a minute and then it would feel like it would quite literally just stop beating for a full second and then continue. Again, several tests proved my heart was doing its job perfectly but my brain felt it was going to beat itself right out of my chest.

My wife and I have been together for about a year.

In that time we’ve talked a lot, fallen in love, moved in together, gotten married, survived the first German lockdown, packed up our life, said goodbye to our careers, friends and family, after months of flight delays we moved half way around the world, quarantined for 2 weeks and now we are almost 6 weeks into our “new” life.

Phew, that was a lot!

As I’ve recently blogged, I’m “surviving”. Although I am back in the place where I grew up, I don’t quite feel at home…

But what about Alex?

After all, this is her first time down under, and it isn’t going to be a short visit either. With the pandemic and visa options currently available, we doubt coming or going would be an option for either us, for a couple of years.

How is she handling it? How does she feel? What’s going through her mind?

Obviously, I can’t answer for her, she would be the best person to tell you how she feels…

However, I can tell you what I see and feel. Especially the part where I am watching someone learn about living in this part of the world for the first time.

Alex is often overwhelmed. Excited. Shy. Confident. Unsure. Worried. Concerned. Lost. Enthusiastic. Happy. Frustrated. Empowered. Embarrassed. Indifferent. Delighted. Grateful. And…. inspiring.

Sometimes all in one day!

Well, that’s how I see things anyhow. I have to remind myself often that when we are doing any number of things, the sights, the smell and the situation are all relatively normal to me, but for her, it’s all new.

Seeing her excitement about something she found in a store, which reminds her of, or even better, it’s exactly like, something from the USA that she hasn’t seen in years. Or something that is German, that reminds her of Christmas or a night out she had… Or, something completely new that isn’t from any world she’s previously experienced.

Basically, that’s the 3 options…

We often discuss the differences between country and culture. Sometimes short, sometimes long discussions… We’ve both lived in at least 3 different countries, and overlap a bit, but both our experiences have been quite different, until now.

Now we are doing this together…

Alex often takes forever to find something in a supermarket, not so much because she can’t find the right aisle, but because once she’s in it, it overwhelms her. There’s a lot to take in, even at Coles (which, for all the Germans, is Kaufland). How many different types of sauce is there? How many different cheeses are there? (You get the picture).

Alex has already started applying for jobs. She can’t start until her next visa kicks in, but she’s getting prepared. Seeing her excited about work is a lot of fun and inspiring.

A new career. New country. New challenges.

I was a bit surprised she found a path so easily (completely the opposite to me, where I have too many paths to wander along). I’m excited for her!! Fortunately, I can even help her too, some of my contacts from 20+ years ago, are coming in handy to help her along the way!

We’ve managed to see quite a few native animals during walks and drives. Echidnas, wallabies, plenty of birds, lizards, geckos, skinks, goannas and the other week I took Alex up the coast to hand feed lorikeets….

Sometimes she’s smiling, sometimes she’s concerned, sometimes she lets out a scream… Oh, and yeah, she’s run away a few times too! All in good fun, all fun to watch!!! Nothing has come close to killing her yet!

She’s obviously not sure about spiders. By not sure, I mean scared to death. That’s OK, even I have been privileged to live in a country or two without a 10thof the deadlies that lurk here. I’ll get used to it, as she will too.

We’ll be expanding on the animal kingdom experiences as time goes on….

We went to the local video store!!

Yes, there is one in this small coastal town. Maybe the last one for a 100 miles, but there is a video rental store. It’s been there since I was a teenager, family owned. In fact, I went to school with the daughter of the family who runs it, and we are still friends and she still works there from time to time.

We walked in and Alex flipped her lid.

She was like a kid in a candy store. I had to limit the amount of DVDs we could rent that day, otherwise she’d have taken out a 100 or more DVDs… Again, so many options… so overwhelmed.

Even with the ease of streaming services, the old school way of going to the store, choosing a video, getting some chocolate or popcorn, is just, freakin’ awesome. And by the look on her face, she felt it through and through. It was a nostalgic moment, which I’m sure will be repeated, often.

I’ve taken Alex to a few waterfalls, short hikes, farming countryside, forests, windy mountain roads, sunrises, moonrises and beaches… That sounds like a lot, but in fact here, you could also most do all of that in just 1 day. There’s a lot on offer in the natural landscape.

We do enjoy walks along the dog beach. We both miss our dogs, so it’s nice to see happy puppies running around an almost deserted beach. One day we’ll walk our own dogs there…

We have been shopping… A lot! Like, almost every other day… It’s not that Alex spends a lot of money, but she loves to see all the new things on offer here. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard her gasp and then, with wide eyes, show me a shirt or outfit she likes, or a store she’s super excited about… Or a story about how she’s always wanted that kind of overalls, but hadn’t found them until now.

Alex has started driving. It’s really her first time on the “wrong side”, and after we got her a lesson with my driving instructor from the 90’s, I’ve taken over the duties of helping her navigate the wrong side of the road with confidence. Things have been going well. Although I think the way some folks drive over here, she’ll never get used to someone tailgating or not indicating… But neither will I…

Germans taught me how to drive… I hope I don’t unlearn those skills! When it comes to driving, I hope she doesn’t become like the locals…

During Halloween, Alex had an afternoon nap and slept through one of the strongest storms we’ve had since we’ve been here. Hail, strong winds and lots of rain. I guess she found the winds and noises peaceful…

She then got to treat a bunch of neighborhood kids and watch a scary movie, so the day wasn’t ruined.

It’s a bit like a young child learning about the ways of the world. It’s fascinating to watch. Sometimes her questions are so random… Sometimes they’re really deep and worth an answer (not a laugh) and sometimes she’s too stunned to respond!

Her reactions to local slang and dialect, well that look of confusion will be a regular occurrence until she settles in a little more.

Even I forgot how dry the sense of humor is here.

It’s been a real gas watching Alex integrate… Soon she’ll be off driving herself to work, making her own friends and finding a few adventures of her own… But for now, I am a very happy and proud husband holding her hand, taking her wherever her heart desires…

Thanks for reading

There are a bunch of cafes with little patios on the sidewalk and a park on the river front. Not much further, and the river runs into the ocean.

It feels like everyone knows everyone, and a lot of people walk around barefoot. There are markets and even “town sales” where various stores open up sales like 2 dollar books and you can collect stamps from various stores to join a raffle.

I’ve lived in villages and in the suburbs and in more cities (large and small) than I can count. But I’ve never lived in an area like this.

It almost feels like I’ve stepped through a portal to another era.

We went to the video store on the weekend. I haven’t been to a video store since I was a child. We were both hit with a wave of nostalgia. For a moment, I felt like I was 9 years old again, running through the aisles, reading titles of long forgotten movies, trying to pick out the four perfect movies, and then picking up a snack, in preparation for a weekend movie night.

Sure I love Netflix and Amazon prime and all those amazing streaming services that make life convenient, but there’s something oddly satisfying and ritualistic about driving down to the video store for a rental. It’s like there was some long forgotten part of my soul that came back alive in that moment.

It comes back to life in the video store. It comes back to life walking down sandy streets past old fashioned store signs. It comes back to life walking down the markets seeing homemade soaps and second hand books and records for sale next to the mangoes and succulents and the smallest coffee truck imaginable.

I know Mayberry isn’t a real place, but I feel like if it was, it would be here. I never really imagined myself working some 9 to 5 easy desk job that doesn’t involve the corporate ladder, spending my weekends strolling through markets and reading my find of the week, saying hi to the people I see everyday on my way to the video store.