Darkest Wave

I don’t want to die but I don’t want to live. I feel so alone. I have no friends. No contact. No connections. I have nothing worth living for. I feel like nothing. And that nothingness is turning to anger and I don’t like it. It’s been forever since I’ve had a manic episode this long or bad. And now without a support system. Just me and my confusing shifting energy levels and emotions. It’s hard to breathe most of the time when I actually remember to breathe. Life is pain. Every day I wake up, I ask when will it end.. when will I get to die. I’ve only been asking for almost 15 years of my 25 years in this hell. Am I dead yet? Am I dead yet? Am I dead yet? How about now? But no, I’ll have to wake up and go through all this suffering for another agonizing day in my head.

In this week of full on depressive episode I’ve felt nothing but numbness and pain. I let myself drink a little bit of alcohol (I’m a lightweight) since it’s Christmas and it actually helped me feel a tiny bit better. Fuck. I understand alcoholicsm like never before. That shit works but I’m too logical even in my mental chaos to know that it’s not a solution. But fuck was there a moment when I was like welp I guess I could be that cliche depressed alcoholic since nothing else seems to be working. Update: only people to directly contact me are my family. Brother texted “Merry Christmas” but prob only because I didn’t go see him and his family with my parents on Christmas Eve with my parents. I’m still avoiding them like a thief in the night (kitchen). I could barely muster the energy just to say that I wasn’t feeling good and mumble and stuff through the door/blankets. I got that weird smile that I couldn’t control idk. My grandma in the Philippines messaged me seasons greatings and all that. Just makes me feel guilty. Still “friends” only in group chats haven’t noticed I stopped replying or anything. No ones tried to DM me even the ones who sorta know I’m going through a hard time. And I’d just feel like a burden if I reached out to my old friends who also have depression and shit and know about mine.

I could die or disappear or whatever and no one would notice. I haven’t left my room or talked to anyone in days. Christmas is also not a good time for my depression being at all time low. I’d say I hit rock bottom but I can still see further down this pit of despair I’m falling in. I’ve been too depressed to buy presents and I don’t think I’ll even have energy to be present. All I want to do is sleep forever but my anxiety won’t let me. All I can do is try to escape this sucky reality with tv and video games and books. But it won’t last for long. I wish I could just stop existing. That would be great. No one would mind since no one actually likes me or would choose to have me in their life. I’m pretty useless and good for nothing. I’m just taking up space and resources on this planet. Also I hate tumblr’s post thing cuz I’ve accidentally clicked out of the typing box like three times now and so have had to rewrite this too many times. Also also I’m only using tumblr to vent cuz I don’t think anyone I know irl actually still follows this. If I vented on snap or insta or heaven help me fb then it would just seem like seeking attention. Which I kinda am but not that kind of attention. I just wish I could go back to a happier time when I could at least pretend that I had friends who cared about me.

I feel so broken. Idk if it’s because I’ve had major depression since I was 11 or something else wrong with me. But I have no hopes and dreams. No desires in life. I’m perfectly content. I don’t yearn for anything. I don’t want anything out of life. I don’t love. I don’t have a reason to seek out love. I’m gay-ace so that’s hard to find a gay guy that doesn’t care about sex. I have friends I guess. But this two way street of communication metaphor is BS because when I initiate conversations or plans things happen; but as soon as I get too depressed to even send a text or follow up on my plans that are getting ignored anyways, then it’s radio silence until someone needs something from me which can take weeks. Speaking from literal experience. I feel useless and unwanted and unneeded. Like I don’t serve a purpose in this universe. And I’ve thought about just ending it and leaving out since I was 11. And I’ve tried so many times in those early years. But I know that’s not gonna do any good. So I’m not gonna kill myself but I still feel like I’m dying and no one notices or cares. Like when I cut up my arms every night and covered them with sleeves at school and home and no one questioned wearing long sleeves for outdoor HS PE in Southern California heat. I digress. (Though I wish I would just die.) I really do wish I could die but like in a useful way. Like if I could just absorb the pain of the universe that I already feel. If I could trade my life for literally anyone else who is actually dying. But really I feel my depression just getting worse and worse. Without a job for structure (had to quit cuz toxic management was literally making me sick), and all my so call friends ignoreing or simply forgetting me, well, I can barely get out of bed some days. And I really have no real reason to leave the house. Ugh usually I feel better near the end of these rants. Like the catharsis of finishing a poem without the work of counting syllables and finding clever metaphors and word play or being inspired which I haven’t been in a while. Just these stream of consciousness. Well that’s all the energy I have left for now and I actually feel kinda worse realizing how alone I am. And broken. I don’t feel human. What is life without love or purpose?