trash queen #1

*new problem appears*

when people imagine anxiety, they always imagine risk averse behavior. you overthink, you’re deliberate, your thinking is catastrophic, and you’re always thinking through seventeen possible scenarios in which things can go wrong. 

but sometimes you’re so anxious and things feel so horrible that you do things without thinking because you want the bad feelings to stop. you say something stupid in a group chat, so you immediately leave all of your servers and block your friends so that you don’t have to see the aftermath. you’re unsure about your relationship, so you break up with your partner out of nowhere or you wake up one morning and just decide to ghost them so you don’t have to deal with it anymore. you’re uncomfortable at a party with people you don’t know, so you run outside and take the train home at 3am without realizing how dangerous that is because you just need to leave. 

i painted mothman in domestic bliss

like, can I go to work every day and earn a paycheck? yeh. Can I sustain a small circle of friends and go on a few dates every few months? pretty much. can I feed myself and get a passable amount of sleep? most the time

is my apartment absolutely littered with laundry and trash? yes as well. Have a done dishes in the last week? nope. have I been 10-30 minutes late to almost every engagement in the last year? yep. have I forgotten to shower for 4-5 days, like every other week? yeehaw 

I know people look at me and are like, ‘God, she has her shit together, God I wish I could do that,’ but I’m sitting here feeling like an anxiety disaster half-person