Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Susan Forward

IT HAS ALSO BEEN REALLY HELPFUL FOR UNDERSTANDING ONLINE MOB HARASSMENT.

So if you’ve ever been bombarded w threats to be raped/killed, (so…if you’re a minority and you’ve been on the Internet for a while), this book might be useful for getting clarity around the whole entitled, abusive mindset that drives certain kinds of people to behave that way. And by “getting clarity”, I mean (for me) being able to go “oh, that’s what’s happening” and not really feel scared anymore. Or angry, or drawn out into it, or anything.

When I worked at a mental health crisis centre, I couldn’t believe how many people came to us, not because of their own problems, but because they were so lost in a friend’s pain that they couldn’t take it anymore. I saw a lot of people who were so worn down from helping someone else that they couldn’t sleep, eat, socialize or focus at work or school. They were consumed with guilt every time they put down their phones, went to sleep, or dared to enjoy themselves and have a good time. All because they had no idea how to set boundaries.  Helping your friends through a tough situation is a wonderful and noble thing to do, but it only works if you’re mentally in a place to do so. If you’re dealing with issues or mental illness of your own, you’re not always capable of being someone else’s shoulder to cry on 24/7. And that’s okay. Sometimes, you have to put yourself first. You can’t help someone else if you’re a mess yourself. You can’t save a drowning person with a sinking ship.  Telling a friend that you’re overwhelmed and you need a break is one of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do. Honesty is the best policy - don’t go radio silent on them, or avoid answering their messages. Be honest about how you’re feeling, and what you need from them. If you’re stuck on what to say and how to start the conversation, here are a few suggestions. Feel free to copy them exactly: It’s really hard for me to admit this, but I’ve been feeling like I’m on the verge of a breakdown lately. I love you and I care about you, but I need to take some time to take care of myself for a while.  I’m really concerned about you, but I honestly don’t know how to deal with this and I’m worried I’ll say the wrong thing. I really think that you should talk to a professional about this.  This is hard for me to admit, but I have a lot going on in my life right now, and it’s getting to be too much for me. Would it be okay if we talked about lighter stuff for the next little while?

You deserve more support than I can give you. I think you need to tell a close family member or professional about what’s going on. 

It seems like every time we talk about this, things are worse for you. I’m worried that my advice isn’t helping you at all, and I think you should talk to someone more qualified than me. 

I’m really worried for your safety, and it breaks my heart, but I can’t keep you safe all by myself. Would it be okay if we told someone else what was going on? 

What is Karma? Karma is the Sanskrit word for action. It is equivalent to Newton’s law of ‘every action must have a reaction’. When we think, speak or act we initiate a force that will react accordingly. This returning force maybe modified, changed or suspended, but most people will not be able eradicate it.

This law of cause and effect is not punishment, but is wholly for the sake of education or learning.

A person may not escape the consequences of his actions, but he will suffer only if he himself has made the conditions ripe for his suffering. Ignorance of the law is no excuse whether the laws are man-made or universal. To stop being afraid and to start being empowered in the worlds of karma and reincarnation, here is what you need to know about karmic laws.

1. THE GREAT LAW

– “As you sow, so shall you reap”. This is also known as the “Law of Cause and Effect”. – Whatever we put out in the Universe is what comes back to us. – If what we want is Happiness, Peace, Love, Friendship… Then we should BE Happy, Peaceful, Loving and a True Friend.

2. THE LAW OF CREATION

– Life doesn’t just HAPPEN, it requires our participation. – We are one with the Universe, both inside and out. – Whatever surrounds us gives us clues to our inner state. – BE yourself, and surround yourself with what you want to have present in your Life.

3. THE LAW OF HUMILITY

– What you refuse to accept, will continue for you. – If what we see is an enemy, or someone with a character trait that we find to be negative, then we ourselves are not focused on a higher level of existence.

4. THE LAW OF GROWTH

– “Wherever you go, there you are”. – For us to GROW in Spirit, it is we who must change – and not the people, places or things around us. – The only given we have in our lives is OURSELVES and that is the only factor we have control over. – When we change who and what we are within our heart our life follows suit and changes too.

5. THE LAW OF RESPONSIBILITY

– Whenever there is something wrong in my life, there is something wrong in me. – We mirror what surrounds us – and what surrounds us mirrors us; this is a Universal Truth. – We must take responsibility what is in our life.

6.THE LAW OF CONNECTION

– Even if something we do seems inconsequential, it is very important that it gets done as everything in the Universe is connected. – Each step leads to the next step, and so forth and so on. – Someone must do the initial work to get a job done. – Neither the first step nor the last are of greater significance, – As they were both needed to accomplish the task. – Past-Present-Future they are all connected…

7. THE LAW OF FOCUS

– You can not think of two things at the same time. – When our focus is on Spiritual Values, it is impossible for us to have lower thoughts such as greed or anger.

8. THE LAW OF GIVING AND HOSPITALITY

– If you believe something to be true,then sometime in your life you will be called upon to demonstrate that particular truth. – Here is where we put what we CLAIM that we have learned, into actual

9. PRACTICE. THE LAW OF HERE AND NOW

– Looking backward to examine what was, prevents us from being totally in the HERE AND NOW. – Old thoughts, old patterns of behavior, old dreams… – Prevent us from having new ones.

10. THE LAW OF CHANGE

– History repeats itself until we learn the lessons that we need to change our path.

11. THE LAW OF PATIENCE AND REWARD

– All Rewards require initial toil. – Rewards of lasting value require patient and persistent toil. – True joy follows doing what we’re suppose to be doing, and waiting for the reward to come in on its own time.

12. THE LAW OF SIGNIFICANCE AND INSPIRATION

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The 75 most common words make up 40% of occurrences The 200 most common words make up 50% of occurrences The 524 most common words make up 60% of occurrences The 1257 most common words make up 70% of occurrences The 2925 most common words make up 80% of occurrences The 7444 most common words make up 90% of occurrences The 13374 most common words make up 95% of occurrences The 25508 most common words make up 99% of occurrences

(Sources: 5 Steps to Speak a New Language by Hung Quang Pham)

This article has an excellent summary on how to rapidly learn a new language within 90 days.

We can begin with studying the first 600 words. Of course chucking is an effective way to memorize words readily. Here’s a list to translate into the language you desire to learn that I grabbed from here! :)

EXPRESSIONS OF POLITENESS (about 50 expressions)      

‘Yes’ and ‘no’: yes, no, absolutely, no way, exactly.    

Question words: when? where? how? how much? how many? why? what? who? which? whose?    

Apologizing: excuse me, sorry to interrupt, well now, I’m afraid so, I’m afraid not.    

Meeting and parting: good morning, good afternoon, good evening, hello, goodbye, cheers, see you later, pleased to meet you, nice to have met.    

Interjections: please, thank you, don’t mention it, sorry, it’ll be done, I agree, congratulations, thank heavens, nonsense.    

NOUNS (about 120 words)

Time: morning, afternoon, evening, night; Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday; spring, summer, autumn, winter; time, occasion, minute, half-hour, hour, day, week, month, year.    

People: family, relative, mother, father, son, daughter, sister, brother, husband, wife; colleague, friend, boyfriend, girlfriend; people, person, human being, man, woman, lady, gentleman, boy, girl, child.    

Objects: address, bag, book, car, clothes, key, letter (=to post), light (=lamp), money, name, newspaper, pen, pencil, picture, suitcase, thing, ticket.    

Places: place, world, country, town, street, road, school, shop, house, apartment, room, ground; Britain, name of the foreign country, British town-names, foreign town-names.    

Abstract: accident, beginning, change, color, damage, fun, half, help, joke, journey, language, English, name of the foreign language, letter (of alphabet), life, love, mistake, news, page, pain, part, question, reason, sort, surprise, way (=method), weather, work.    

Other: hand, foot, head, eye, mouth, voice; the left, the right; the top, the bottom, the side; air, water, sun, bread, food, paper, noise.    

PREPOSITIONS (about 40 words)    

General: of, to, at, for, from, in, on.    

Logical: about, according-to, except, like, against, with, without, by, despite, instead of.    

Space: into, out of, outside, towards, away from, behind, in front of, beside, next to, between, above, on top of, below, under, underneath, near to, a long way from, through.    

Time: after, ago, before, during, since, until.    

DETERMINERS (about 80 words)  

Articles and numbers: a, the; nos. 0–20; nos. 30–100; nos. 200–1000; last, next, 1st–12th.    

Demonstrative: this, that.    

Possessive: my, your, his, her, its, our, their.    

Quantifiers: all, some, no, any, many, much, more, less, a few, several, whole, a little, a lot of.    

Comparators: both, neither, each, every, other, another, same, different, such.    

ADJECTIVES (about 80 words)    

Color: black, blue, green, red, white, yellow.    

Evaluative: bad, good, terrible; important, urgent, necessary; possible, impossible; right, wrong, true.    

General: big, little, small, heavy; high, low; hot, cold, warm; easy, difficult; cheap, expensive; clean, dirty; beautiful, funny (=comical), funny (=odd), usual, common (=shared), nice, pretty, wonderful; boring, interesting, dangerous, safe; short, tall, long; new, old; calm, clear, dry; fast, slow; finished, free, full, light (=not dark), open, quiet, ready, strong.    

Personal: afraid, alone, angry, certain, cheerful, dead, famous, glad, happy, ill, kind, married, pleased, sorry, stupid, surprised, tired, well, worried, young.    

VERBS (about 100 words)    

arrive, ask, be, be able to, become, begin, believe, borrow, bring, buy, can, change, check, collect, come, continue, cry, do, drop, eat, fall, feel, find, finish, forget, give, going to, have, have to, hear, help, hold, hope, hurt (oneself), hurt (someone else), keep, know, laugh, learn, leave, lend, let (=allow), lie down, like, listen, live (=be alive), live (=reside), look (at), look for, lose, love, make, may (=permission), may (=possibility), mean, meet, must, need, obtain, open, ought to, pay, play, put, read, remember, say, see, sell, send, should, show, shut, sing, sleep, speak, stand, stay, stop, suggest, take, talk, teach, think, travel, try, understand, use, used to, wait for, walk, want, watch, will, work (=operate), work (=toil), worry, would, write.    

PRONOUNS (about 40 words)

Personal: I, you, he, she, it, we, they, one; myself, yourself, himself, herself, itself, ourselves, yourselves, themselves.    

Possessive: mine, yours, his, hers, its, ours, theirs.    

Demonstrative: this, that.    

Universal: everyone, everybody, everything, each, both, all, one, another.    

Indefinite: someone, somebody, something, some, a few, a little, more, less; anyone, anybody, anything, any, either, much, many.    

Negative: no-one, nobody, nothing, none, neither.    

ADVERBS (about 60 words)

Place: here, there, above, over, below, in front, behind, nearby, a long way away, inside, outside, to the right, to the left, somewhere, anywhere, everywhere, nowhere, home, upstairs, downstairs.    

Time: now, soon, immediately, quickly, finally, again, once, for a long time, today, generally, sometimes, always, often, before, after, early, late, never, not yet, still, already, then (=at that time), then (=next), yesterday, tomorrow, tonight.    

Quantifiers: a little, about (=approximately), almost, at least, completely, very, enough, exactly, just, not, too much, more, less.    

Manner: also, especially, gradually, of course, only, otherwise, perhaps, probably, quite, so, then (=therefore), too (=also), unfortunately, very much, well.    

CONJUNCTIONS (about 30 words)

Coordinating: and, but, or; as, than, like.    

Time & Place: when, while, before, after, since (=time), until; where.    

1. Your goal here is to make money. If you have to pay for travel and are not compensated you are losing money. 2. Your time is a commodity. Do not let him devalue that. 3. If he’s not giving you a “gift” for the first date he’s probably wasting your time anyway.

The day before the first meet I always send this message: Hey! I’m really looking forward to seeing you tomorrow! I can’t wait to see you face to face and really get to know one another and spend some quality time with you. I’m hoping this will be the beginning of an amazing relationship. Before that happens I just wanted to let you know that I do require some financial consideration for my time. I generally receive around (xxx) for this initial time together. I’m sure you were intending on providing something along those lines, but I just wanted to be direct to make sure we’re on the same page! If this is an issue for whatever reason, please let me know xoxo

If you can smell any alcohol it is a cheaply made product.

How to layer: Eau de parfum is the stronger, most long lasting scent of the two. (Parfum vs toilette)

Then its eau de toilette.

Body mists/sprays are meant to LAYER on top of your fragrance.

The strongest is a perfume oil. Place that on your pulse points. Wrists, inside elbows, behind knees, sides of the neck, nape of the neck, behind the ears, around the armpits, décolleté/cleavage, etc. And anywhere you excrete sweat.

When you pass by a man, hug him, kiss him (on the cheek or elsewhere), he will have your scent on his mind….FOREVA.

FOLLOW ME ON MY SB INSTA ~ I have like no followers because I just started the account & would love to connect with more sugar sisters on another platform! I will be posting shopping hauls and inspiration photos. There will also be restaurant, bar and club recommendations and travel pics! SISTERS ONLY!!! @citysugarbabe

Disclaimer: This is my own opinion, and you are free to disagree! I am not being sponsored or gifted items by any of these brands (I wish!). I am simply just trying to share some of my style tips based off of my own wardrobe :) xo

Will continue to update as I think of more things! This was just off the top of my head. Feel free to send in suggestions, if I use it I will give you credit when I edit the post! Questions also welcome. 

Although I am relatively new to the sugar bowl, dressing stylishly and well is something I have done all of my life. I hope my advice can help others! A top, big fish SD is going to dress well, and he’s going to want his SB to do the same. You must exude confidence and style for him to want to pursue you. 

If you are a sugar baby looking to build an ultimate, timeless luxury wardrobe look no further - check out my guide below!

Basics: T-shirts & Tank Tops - ATM (wonderfully flattering, especially for bigger busts), T by Alexander Wang, Helmut Lang, James Perse Jeans - rag&bone/JEAN, J Brand, Citizens of Humanity, 7 for all Mankind, J Brand, Current/Elliott, AG Adriano Goldschmidt. Yes I love my denim :) Anything with a blatant logo on it like True Religion is a NONO. Shirts - Equipment Sweatpants - I used to absolutely detest sweatpants but after seeing photos of Rihanna and Gigi rock them, I’m kind of into it. Have my eye on a pair from Fenty X Puma now!

Lingerie: Agent Provocateur (DUH) has the most sexy pieces, they make you feel wonderful about yourself, however I would only wear their stuff to show off for my man. Their bras, corsets, bustiers etc. don’t give much support so if you’re just wearing them trying to run errands your boob may pop out of its cup lol! Very annoying to constantly keep having to tuck it back in under your shirt.

I have quite a large bust, so I shop at Journelle, Stella McCartney, Elle Macpherson, Nancymeyer.com and Chantelle because a lot of other nice brands don’t make my size as much (32DD/E) - these are for sexier but still functional pieces.

Calvin Klein and Victoria’s Secret for the most functional underwear. Hanky Panky has great one size fits most thongs, and Commando for underwear for a tight dress or something that gives NO VPL (visible panty lines!)

Shoes: Sneakers (for fashion, not the gym) - Golden Goose, Common Projects Sneakers (for the gym) - Nike Gianvito Rossi - The new Manolo in my opinion. Not as overdone and not flashy like Louboutins. Wonderfully classic. Something I’d wear to a dream job interview or meeting a boyfriend’s parents. Louboutins - even though they’re a bit trashy now I still love the sex appeal of a red bottom.. who can resist? Rochas does beautifully embellished flats that you can wear with a cocktail dress if you aren’t feeling heels! K. Jacques for flat sandals. Made in St. Tropez but they sell it on Shopbop etc. Chanel and Lanvin for ballet flats Love Stuart Weitzman’s highland and lowland boots, even though it seems like everyone and their mother owns a pair. They’re just so flattering and I love that they have them in so many neutral colors. I like Saint Laurent’s basic flat Chelsea ankle boots. Go with everything in the fall.

Dresses: Dolce & Gabbana - I LOVE Dolce & Gabbana!! As I said I am quite curvy, and their dresses are absolutely made for my body type. Cushnie et Ochs - Also sexy AF Giambattista Valli - When you want to look like an elegant, high fashion flower child Saint Laurent - SO expensive, more for the extremely thin Kate Moss types, but I just like to look anyways :) Less expensive but still great: Zimmermann (love Aussie clothing brands), Wheels&Dollbaby, Nicholas, L’Agent, Reformation, For Love & Lemons, Maje

Sweaters: Ralph Lauren, Loro Piana, Brunello Cucinelli J Crew, Joie, Vince and Everlane (cheaper)

Coats/Jackets: Maxmara for the elegant, most classic pieces EDIT 10/9/2016: Maxmara carries very well-cut and stylishly professional coats. Think Olivia Pope-esque. This is also where Kim K got her iconic camel wrap coat and yes, they still carry it. I have one! AllSaints for a great rocker chic leather biker jacket - try a mens one to increase the cool factor Rick Owens - Also great for leather jackets, but more elegant and definitely more expensive  Chanel: Their tweed jackets and coats are ultimate and so timeless- wear one with a simple white t shirt, jeans and booties to achieve that Parisian je ne sais quoi. Yves Salomon does a great fur coat, EDIT 10/9/2016: that isn’t AS expensive as other top fur designers… think $5000-$10,000 which is still mega expensive but still far cheaper than J Mendel whose furs can fetch up to 60k (or even more)! and the quality is still great. I used to get Elizabeth and James furs for like a $1000 but tbh they looked cheap. I think if you can’t afford good fur, it’s best to spend on other areas, because cheap fur just makes you look, well, cheap!

Bags: Chanel. Duh. Never used to like Gucci but their new horsebit Dionysus bags (in plain suede without the Gucci logo) are to die for Valentino Rockstud (a little bit passé but I still like mine) Mansur Gavriel for something timeless and not too flashy Saint Laurent for a tote bag. If you’re young, in my opinion this is a much better alternative than an Hermes Birkin or Kelly. I think for a young girl to be carrying a Birkin is a little bit… much. Although if you have found an SD who will buy you a Birkin then I say the more power to you, you’re clearly doing much better than me and feel free to ignore my advice - if fact can I have your advice?? lol

EDIT OCT. 9, 2016:

Where do I shop? Great question - so. many. places.

Online (just google the names, I’m too lazy to hyperlink haha. Maybe another day):

So I see lots of girls asking how they can’t get gifts along with their allowance (that new Chanel isn’t gonna buy itself, and let’s be honest, no one wants to spend their allowance on it!)

The best way to do this is with a POT, I’ll make another post in a bit about how to do it with your current SD/SM

It’s literally so simple. When discussing your allowance, find out how many meets he wants per month. For example

Him: so how much were you thinking? I can offer #### a month. You: I appreciate your upfront generous offer, but in order to tell you a ballpark number, I would like to know how many meets you would like to have per month

Obviously the conversation can vary a bit. After you get the amount of meets he’d like to have, you go in with the kill. The kill being your allowance number, and the gift talk.

Him: around #-# meets a month You: for that many meets, #### a month should be good, as well as any spoiling and gifts you would like to give me, I know I’ll be getting you some! :)

I’m often asked: “What makes a good Sugar Baby?”

Unfortunately there isn’t a magic potion that transforms you into Aphrodite, nor is there a definitive set of qualities you need to succeed in the bowl. However I’ve noticed a few common traits that almost all genuine Sugar Daddies look out for.

1) Confidence

Possibly the most important thing for a Sugar Baby to possess, confidence is essential for every situation you encounter. This means you should feel confident in everything from the way you look, to the way you walk and the way you talk.

You don’t have to love everything about yourself, just be aware of your best qualities and make sure you showcase them to your Daddy. Be warned though, there’s a fine line between confidence and arrogance!

2) Flexibility

This doesn’t mean you need to be a super supple contortionist! – It does mean that you need to get used to your Sugar Daddy’s schedule. There’s a good chance that you are not the only commitment in this man’s life; he’s likely juggling a high-flying career, friends and potentially has a family to think about too.

With this in mind it’s not unheard of for plans to be made, cancelled and rescheduled last minute; so the ability to be spontaneous whilst maintaining your independence is a great skill to master. A Sugar Daddy doesn’t want to hear you moan or whinge – if he’s genuine he’ll know he’s let you down and will find a way to make it up to you!

Of course, it’s not unreasonable for you to have commitments too; make sure your Sugar Daddy respects these and is aware of any boundaries you may have.

3) Attentiveness

Being attentive doesn’t mean you need to cater to your Sugar Daddy’s every whim –whatever he might like to tell you! However a good Sugar Baby quickly learns to assess what her Daddy needs from her. Some men are lacking intimacy in their lives, others are searching for a companion or confidant, and some just want to relive their youth or unwind after a long day at the office.

Does your Sugar Daddy want a relationship or something more casual? Does he want to be told he’s fantastic in bed or does he just want to feel desired?

The sooner you can work out what your Sugar Daddy wants, and whether that’s something you can realistically give him, the sooner you’ll start seeing some serious sugar coming your way.

4) Ambition

The chances are your Sugar Daddy has had to work hard to get to where he is today; he’s not likely to want to share that success with a girl who behaves like an entitled princess (unless that’s a fetish of his).

A common complaint I see from Sugar Daddies is that aspiring Sugar Babes lack ambition or are only interested in materialistic things. So if you’re looking to fund your education, dazzle him with your smarts; if you have entrepreneurial flair, suggest a business idea, or simply show you’re passionate about something more than Louis Vuitton and Louboutin’s. 

Share these dreams with your Daddy – you never know, he might be able to help them come true.

5) Honesty

Girls, you know how frustrating it is when you’re talking to a promising POT, you meet him, only to discover half of what he told you was false… well, it turns out a lot of Sugar Babies are guilty of the same crime!

If you’ve never been horse riding, don’t say it’s a lifelong interest; if you’ve never been to the ballet or opera, be honest about it; if you’ve never ventured outside of the M25, don’t pretend you’ve been backpacking around the world. You will be found out!

Never feel like you have to lie about yourself in order to attract a ‘certain type’ of Sugar Daddy. Anyone who is genuine wants to hear about you and what you’re interested in, not the ubiquitous activities that pseudo ‘posh’ ‘rich’ people do.

That doesn’t mean you need to be totally honest when he asks the inevitable: “Did I make you cum?” ;)

As you can see from these tips; there aren’t any special or mysterious qualities that Sugar Babies are blessed with but mere mortals can only dream of… almost anyone could become a Sugar Babe if they wanted it badly enough.

When you’re talking to a POT, it’s guaranteed that he’s going to ask you “Have you had an arrangement before?” I don’t care if you have or have not, but you should answer “YES!”. If you say no, he’s going to take advantage of your inexperience and lowball you. 

What is your dream arrangement that you are trying to obtain? Is it $500 for pay-for-play? Is it a platonic relationship with shopping sprees and plenty of gifts? Or a monthly allowance? Whatever arrangement you are trying to obtain, LIE and say that your last arrangement was like that. Your imaginary “last” arrangement should be your ideal arrangement that you are trying to obtain. If you want around $500 for pay-per-meet, say that your last arrangement was set up like that. If you want a monthly allowance, say your last arrangement was set up like that. Men are competitive and will want to meet or even beat your last arrangement. And if your POT doesn’t want to meet it, he’s not worth your time. Don’t sell yourself short on what you need. 

For me, I said that my last arrangement was a $5k monthly allowance for once a week meet ups. It wasn’t until I started lying about having a prior arrangement that I got serious offers from POTs of $4-5k a month! When I was honest and told POTs that I’ve never had an arrangement before, one told me that the most I could ever get from a SD is $500-$1000 a month MAX. And if I wanted any more than that, I’d have to date incredibly old and bat shit crazy men. He told me no SD would underwrite over $1000 a month. THIS IS FALSE. He told me these things to make it appear like his $300 pay-per-play offer to me was gold. 

Lie and you’ll be able to separate the salt from the sugar. The salt won’t waste your time trying to convince you to accept their sleazy offers if they know that you have had better. 

A note to all college kids, So Microsoft word has default settings for papers.

If you search MLA, or APA you can get an entire paper template.

REPEAT: Microsoft word will Format your entire paper!