CyborgPunkMonk

What I've been told is metalcore for example: I Prevail - Visceral.

Seeing things I didn't fully believe in or agree with. A bunch of gibberish. Using words I think mean one thing but have a completely different meaning. Being a confused or frustrated broken record trying to explain or ask 1 thing.. (I truly apologize to anyone who's ever argued with me online while I was drunk).

Or people pleasing what I think someone might prefer to hear to avoid conflict, trying to empathize but not realizing what the hell I'm even saying instead of just listening (which is all I used to do until I was told I do nothing to help). Trying to understand all sides to find the truth & bigger picture but also the smaller important details, but again.. not really understanding what I'm saying. Trying to express things I haven't fully processed yet, thus saying things I don't mean at times.

And I hate it. I hate all of it. I often after drinking, wake up and my stomach sinks and I keep shifting around in discomfort hoping for the feeling to just go away. Sometimes I wanted to cry or go back to apologize and explain myself, but having no idea how to. And the embarrassment and cringe I feel makes me afraid to even look back.

But I know I need to sit with it. So I try to face it. And I end up seemingly internally being able to. But I later notice it still feels like it's all hidden inside like a sticky residue, and I think it subconsciously weighs on me more than I realize. So I feel I failed to truly accept and face it. Or maybe I'm missing something. And tho I learned a lot and changed many things, I still feel like I haven't done enough or maybe I've fooled myself thinking I got anywhere at all.

I feel socially like I don't and can't belong. (Also from hearing that my first group of friends apparently said they only became my friends because they felt bad I had none. So while part of me sees that as kind and considerate, which I'm guessing maybe was the intention. That "only" tho makes me feel otherwise and I can't help the other part of me that always feels like I'm potentially only ever liked out of pity and whoever knows this might lie saying they don't like me out of pity, just to try & make me feel better.

And I feel bad for anyone who potentially ever genuinely might like me for me, and then me be distant because I feel like I couldn't possibly be genuinely liked. I don't want people trying too hard to try and convince me either tho.

I expect when invited to things, to be in the background. I've found comfort there in a sense. I don't want to be noticed too much anyway. Because I realize when eyes are on me, I tense up and hold my breathe as I wait for the looks of judgment like I'm wierd or not right/an ok person when I go to speak. I sometimes freeze and just try to say whatever I can to stop talking as soon as possible.

I try to contain myself and be as neutral and calm as possible. Tho I still try to joke around and contribute in small portions, but it's often a draining experience. Which I then worry people think I don't like them because I might seem bored or uninterested, and because I need long breaks alone after).

I live with these contradictory feelings. Wanting to be heard, belong, be liked, & help. And wanting to isolate/be invisible.

Tho I work on my inner self talk and often am confident, I notice I subconsciously can still feel stupid, unlikable, and like like I just want to isolate and give up trying to do better. To give up trying to make friends.

And give up trying to get my creative stuff out there and advertise any of it because I don't feel I do anything that great or meaningful that helps anyone. And that I don't deserve any likes or recognition. (And wonder how genuine or real any of it would be anyway, as bots run rampant on so many sites as well).

Because I have a problem. And it's not even the alcohol itself (but yes it's still an issue not to be brushed aside, but it feels more like a symptom to me than a core issue). Idk how else to word it atm, but.. my brain. The way I process things already.

I know no one is born perfect, is always right, has the best advice, can help everyone, can express themselves in a perfect kind, healthy, and mature way, can be all understanding and reasonable/realistic all the time.

I know and accept I will and am wrong sometimes. Sometimes I can unintentionally say or do hurtful or dumb things. But maybe I'm not accepting enough? Or maybe it's a process that isn't fixed by accepting it once. Maybe it needs to happen and be worked on in layers over time? Maybe it's just how things are with every new situation.

And now my brain goes chaotic branching off into a million different possibilities and other related thoughts, to try and understand something.. many things? at the speed of light... So I have no words to continue that atm. (this happens to me a lot, and I can't even remember much at all. But it's somewhere in my brain to click in weird ways eventually maybe).

A part of me worries what people think of me. Tho I know I shouldn't care. And a part of me also can sometimes be comfortable in not caring what people think.

But then I worry about becoming cold, rude, and not someone I want to be. I want to be/do good, I want to keep my empathy. But I just don't want to lose myself in it where I do/say things I don't agree with or sacrfice my own well being, and/or be taken advantage of.

I still want to be open to being considerate of others and taking accountability for myself if/when I mess up. And for that reason, I still hold on to caring what others think.

But trying to not let it overwhelm me too much is the struggle. Being able to find a balanced and grounded outlook on things is the difficult journey I'm still learning. Because a lot of the time life feels overwhelming which can make it feel a bit unreal at times. Blurry. Hard to understand. I have no words majority of the time, just a vast landscape of wordless thoughts I wished I could vocalize in a way that could be understood. Even times I feel it's on the tip of my tongue, no energy to even move my mouth to try and speak. I'm just.. existing and processing. Or trying to at least.