Yo.

Grey’s Anatomy:

Grey's Anatomy FEMALE Characters

The Twilight Saga:

Books:

Kdramas:

Movies:

Windstruck

Food:

Thoughts:

And Just Like That

Dear You, To My First Heartbreak

they say you’d know it’s getting bad when your routine starts to change: your hair starts falling out, your appetite’s gone, you oversleep or you don’t sleep at all etc. no one told me how awful it’d feel when it does get bad. 

no one told me that it would come with the loss of urgency and feelings except for sadness. no one told me it’d tire you out to the point that you’d rather not talk to anyone. no one told me that the toxicity is literally going to eat your soul away and that no coping mechanism will work anymore. no one told me that it’d come with random crying spells and sensitivity. no one explained how hopelessness would feel. no one told me how comfoting yet so heartbreaking it is to feel lonely. no one told me that being in the dark place will make you ask for help unconsciously. 

people start to get extremely annoying. you’re now sure that no one understands how you feel. you feel invalidated and useless, and you constantly try to doubt your worth instead of looking for your purpose. the fear of getting judged when you speak hits, and the wave of regret comes next when you realize you’d let out more than you intended. you’d rather be away from everyone because when you’re alone, you know you won’t have to worry what they think. You feel offended when someone tells you to simply “cheer up”. You;d rather not talk to anyone because they’d often make you feel like what you’re going through is trivial. you get the validation from no one else but yourself. you have to keep putting up a mask that screams “i’m okay” because no one cares enough to ask how you’re feeling anyway. 

“your feelings are valid” “you’re not lazy” “it’s not your fault” is what you constantly have to tell yourself. it’s hard and it’s tiring especially when you’ve been saying it to other people. can’t imagine you’d have to do it to yourself as well. 

I still miss you. 

It’s been 11 months since we broke up and I still miss you. I tell my friends that I’m over you but you’re still the first person I want to talk to when I wake up- whether it be in the morning or at noon. You’re still my favorite chinito, what I still consider to be my other half.

ₚᵢ꜀ₜᵤᵣₑ ₜₐₖₑₙ բᵣₒₘ ₚᵢₙₜₑᵣₑₛₜ

“What do you want to be when you grow up?”

This is probably the question most of us heard the most growing up. For some reason it became a part of everyone’s culture to ask youngsters of that-- let’s say, every year. I think every kid was always able to answer this with confidence: a fireman, a teacher, a singer, a doctor, a lawyer. We’d give these answers out without really understanding what it is that they really do. 

I remember when I was in 6th grade, my class was asked this question for the yearbook. Most of the class answered “to be a chef” + another profession. Looking back, we must have looked like complete idiots to the person who arranged our yearbook. A whole class planning to be a chef just because they enjoyed cooking during the Nutrition Month celebration. I also remember it as a time of my life where I enjoyed performing. I loved singing, I enjoyed dancing, I liked acting. (because of this, my classmates would often pick me for the lead roles during our class skits and plays. I had it easy, I know) I wanted to become a chef and a singer, back then- which is honestly a stupid idea because I hate getting splashed with hot oil, I don’t like being in crowded and hot places and I’ve always been a kitchen-accident-prone kind of girl. But I wrote it down because everyone else did. Believe it or not, that was my first and last case of peer pressure. Not long after that, I started to hate being in the kitchen if the purpose was cooking.

Years passed and high school went by with a flash. The question became more burdensome and I felt more pressure. The funny thing is that the pressure came from everyone but my parents. My dad didn’t really say anything about it and my mom would casually throw suggestions here and there. 

“I took care of your legs and skin so you’d grow up to be a flight attendant”-

was the most far fetched because we are small women. I didn’t grow up to be a stewardess: I barely grew. I stand at 153cm tall, not even passing the minimum height requirement. 

“Since you have such a loud mouth, why not try being a lawyer instead?”- This is something I seriously considered, but the lack of information on how to go through it and the very intimidating requirements PLUS the expensive tuition threw me off. 

“Just work in [redacted], that’s where your dad, aunt and uncle work anyway. You’ll get in easy.”- it was something I knew I wasn’t passionate about but I knew it was the practical thing to do. 

Soon after than I had hoped and liked, I was faced with the dreading question again-- this time just phrased differently. “What course do you want to take for college?” High school graduation then was fast coming and taking a year gap wasn’t even an option for me. What I’ve written in my yearbook for high school wasn’t any on the listed above: 

           “𝓽𝓸 𝓫𝓮 𝓪 𝓹𝓼𝔂𝓬𝓱𝓲𝓪𝓽𝓻𝓲𝓼𝓽”

was what I’ve written. Towards the end of the academic year it was what I was leaning towards to, but didn’t really think to discuss it with my parents. However, reality has always been harsher. I learned the importance of practicality and the value of sacrifices the hard way, just when I was in the crossroads of deciding my future path. No one asked me to make the choice that I did, but I knew it was for the better.  I knew I liked reading and reporting, but I wasn’t entirely sure about me entering the media industry. Then again, like I said: the importance of practicality. 

Four years of college went by quickly and I felt unaccomplished. I felt like I never really learned anything and just felt like I wasted the time I spent in the uni. With the help of a friend, a childhood dream in me was revitalized. Teaching.  I recall answering “to be a teacher” when I was in 2nd grade. I think of it vividly because I first told it to my teacher. Instead of getting support, I remember her shutting that idea down, telling me I could do better. I didn’t understand it because I’ve always looked at my teachers with the highest regard. After that, I followed her advice and just buried that dream. 

Going back to my childhood dream coming back to life, I gathered every courage I had and resigned from my customer service job under the company where my dad worked at. I had been there for a year and a couple of months already, but I still felt discontented and unfulfilled. In a movie-like manner, I was referred to a Korean ESL academy by a college friend. I jumped in on the opportunity as soon as it opened. 

Fortunately, I was taken in and was taken care of by some of the teachers there. I was able to get regularized-- as a part timer if it makes sense (fell in love as a bonus [was it really?] within a year of working there). The first few months were fun. I didn’t have proper training but it finally felt like I knew what I was doing. Despite my older workmates’ aloofness, I felt like I belong. I’ve always known that making friends isn’t my cup of tea. Months passed and my relationship with my co-workers has become easy, I’ve grown closer to most of the regular students as well but I have a new obstacle to surpass: the salary. I was paid by the hour and after my first camp, the students decreased dramatically and so did my work hours. At that time, I was fine not minding it for both of my parents were still working. I wasn’t satisfied but figured I could make do since I wasn’t supporting anyone but myself. However when the pandemic struck and the government shut down the company my dad was working at, things got tough. One problem piled over the other and I realized that I didn’t like teaching anymore. It didn’t make me as happy as it did during my first few months.

I suddenly didn’t know what I was doing, and felt like I wasn’t giving enough. Like I wasn’t good enough. I realized I was nowhere near as good as the others and felt small. Once again, I was lost.  Now, what do I do when what I initially thought was my calling wasn’t exactly for me? It was an extremely hard pill to swallow. I kept giving myself a chance to see if the invigorating feeling is still there. It wasn’t anymore. The fact that the situation at home is stressful already and the insufficient pay wasn’t really helping. I was in a bind. I kept looking for other jobs that- I would like to believe- make me happy, but there weren’t any. I couldn’t afford to rest. Not now, when the household budget mainly comes from my pocket. 

ₚₕₒₜₒₛₒᵤᵣ꜀ₑ

PLOT: “Windstruck” or also known as “Let Me Introduce You To My Girlfriend” follows the story of the ambitious and badass police officer Yeo Kyungjin (Jun Ji Hyun) who falls in love with Go Myungwoo (Jang Hyuk) whom she once thought was a criminal. It features a very heart warming and pure kind of love. 

What I think (not that anyone asked for it but whatever): ᴵ’ˡˡ ᵗʳʸ ⁿᵒᵗ ᵗᵒ ᵖᵘᵗ ˢᵖᵒᶦˡᵉʳˢ⁻⁻ ᴱᴹᴾᴴᴬˢᴵˢ ᴼᴺ “ᵀᴿʸ” ᵃˢ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ᵃˡᵒⁿᵍ. 

When the movie started, I didn’t really have any expectations about it. I just wanted to see what it was about because I remember seeing my brother BAWL his eyes out on this movie. Figured I’d give it a try as well. I didn’t think I was gonna like it as well because the movie started pretty boring for me. It wasn’t exactly my cup of tea. 

HOWEVER, things started getting interesting for me around the 45-minute mark. Jun Jihyun has always played the roles of badass women: from her role in Thieves, up until her latest project Kingdom: Ashin of the North. She portrayed a strong independent woman who had the softest spot for her guy. She showed tough love at times and didn’t really say what he wanted to hear but made sure he knows how much she loved him. Myungwoo was an amazing guy as well. He looked up to and respected Kyungjin so much, he always gave what she needed and she wants. He was literally Kyungjin’s back up guy that whenever she was in trouble, she’d call him for help. They had the cutest and purest relationship, and this isn’t even an exaggeration. I’m someone who loves watching characters engage skinship, but I was so satisfied with the lack of this one. They didn’t have a strong sexual tension, but their love for each other was everything. Prepare tissues though and the twist after twist would definitely leave your mouth hanging (my friends and my mouth opened in shock a couple of times lmao we were so into it). It has a happy ending, but probably not everyone’s definition of happy ending though. They knew and showed each others’ love in the end and that’s enough happy ending for me.

It made me laugh A LOT, made me cry, made me feel butterflies and made me believe that love isn’t need to be shown physically. Love languages are important for a reason. Not only that, but I now believe-- stronger than ever-- that love can be pure.  Overall, I give it an 9.5/10, just because I wasn’t really satisfied with its beginning, but the rest of the movie overtakes that little unsatisfied part of me. 

But whenever I feel like I’ve moved on, I remember him and how he made me feel. Every thing something happens to me: whether it be good or bad, he’s the first person I want to tell it to. I have to gather all in me not to send him a message.

“Bubba, I miss my mom. I miss you as well. Are you doing good?” “Baby, I have finally resigned AND I have a new job.” “Love, I bought a laptop!”

Then she told me that one of the reasons why people who apologize repeatedly do that because they take offense when stuff happens to them. (Idk how to explain it in a much better way, but it’s not as bad as how it sounds)

EX: We all have that one friend that keeps apologizing when they reply late to your message. 

Friend: OMG SORRY I DIDN’T REPLY I WAS SLEEPING You: Oh know it’s fine Friend: NO REALLY I’M SORRY ARE YOU MAD You: no it’s literally fine Friend: AW SORRY