A Man Has No Name

I mean, I am 90% sure I already know the answer, but it’s so strange. I love wrestling, and have described my interests as “death, disney and Taylor Swift” which I realise is a dumb thing to say because it’s not who I am at all, but a small part of who I am.

To be quite honest, I think it’s self sabotage. I’m 26 years old and I’m only now thinking about my future, which I suppose is a silver lining on this whole cloud that’s going on. I’m still comparing relationships to what once happened, 5 and a half years ago, sensing a hint of happiness and closing the opportunity down because I don’t deserve it for whatever reason. Which is conflicting because I know I deserve the happiness I’m shutting down. I’ve put up with enough shit to know what’s good and what’s bad.

I’ve looped back through my 15/16 year old self, and made some dodgy decisions, again. We don’t really learn from mistakes, do we? At least, not until we repeat it. I broke up with someone because I didn’t want to feel anything in case I got hurt. I was sleeping with someone who had a boyfriend (I know, it takes two) and said she loved me (don’t say it, I know), and I slept with a good friend. I could claim that it’s all a bad emotional response as part of my grieving, but that’d only be partially true, and is not in any way an acceptable answer for my behaviour.

Let’s be honest here, I’m not a great person. All my friends are coupling up and settling down, and I’m here with no idea why I’m expecting people to contact me, when all I seem to be good for is a gossip or a fuck. But as I said, I think it’s self sabotage and I should add, this is not so you can go “poor adam” and give me some semblance of sympathy; no, this is all so I can get it off my chest and move on with my life until it all crashes down around me due to a time bomb of my own doing. Or undoing, as it were.