Listen, this Blog is A mess

Dear little me,

I hope you know we go so far in life. We never figure it all out, but we learn so much and grow so beautifully. You're going to get the haircut you've always dreamed of, but been too scared to try. You'll learn how to apply make up from thousands of friends across the internet, and you will feel confident and beautiful wearing it. You'll buy a leather jacket, and another, and another, and you will turn the insult of "cute" into you're own brand of adorable badassery.

You'll graduate high school, dear heart, and college, and then college again, all with honors. You'll travel the world baby girl, and visit so many places people told you you'd never reach. You'll go all the way to Germany and meet the best person of your life- You're finally going to get that sister you always wished for. And she's going to be first person in your life to pick you, to choose you to love when she has no obligation to. And you will never feel alone when you cry again, my dearest.

You're going to teach yourself so many things, like crochet and painting and cross-stitch and woodworking. Darling, you'll build yourself a throne someday. The first time you feel the buzz of a power tool in your hand it will feel like flying. The first time you use something you created you'll know what it feels like to climb Mount everest.

You're going to make so many friends and none of them will ever make you question if you are loved or wanted or understood. You won't find your other half, darling, because you're going to learn that you are whole completely on your own. But you'll find so many people whose souls sing to yours. You'll cry over boys and love them and find them maddening and mediocre and beautiful. And darling, you're going to find love in women, too. And you'll be so scared, but so happy.

You'll read books and build a good relationship with your dad and love your mom. You'll dance with your grandma at 3am on Christmas morning just because you can. Your house will never be empty, love.

It will be so good, but not all good. You're still going to be an anxious mess, but you'll finally find the words to acknowledge that out loud and let others into that terrible scribbling part of your mind. They'll help, darling, so let them. You're going to lose whole chunks of your life to a monster named depression, and I don't know if you'll win sweet one, but my God will you fight. You'll fight so hard to come back to a life that you love so much. Some days that won't feel like enough. You're going to be so angry and so tired, but my love, you're going to get up.

You're going to get sick, and then sicker, and then even sicker. And I can't tell you that will stop. You're going to rewrite your life and let go of so many wants that you have. And it's going to hurt love. It will hurt and you will always carry the sharp memory of loss for your own being. But you'll write a new story and it will be both better and worse, and you will be ok with that.

You're going to cry easily still, sweets. You'll never grow out of that, I'm afraid.  You'll learn not to hate it though- I promise someday it will become a point of pride instead of embarrassment. You will not let this world make you hard or uncaring. You will hold your empathy like a sword. Because you're going to burn baby girl. You're going to see the world exactly as it is, all the injustices, all the awful social constructs, and you're going to bring it all crashing down. You're going to carve out an ever expanding safe space with your own two hands-your teeth if you have to. And it will hurt and you will doubt and it will be one hundred percent worth it.

You'll be in so much pain darling, and so many doctors will tell you too bad. They'll tell you that's just how it is. And you will cry and hide behind your momma and let her be your voice, but you will also learn how to make your own demands, to make your needs heard, to never stop pushing the world into giving you something better to hold on to.

You will let go of your own grand plans someday my dear, and it will not be a defeat. It will be a rebirth. And you will be so much more than just content. You'll grow flowers and love people and open your house to any in need. You will drink hot coffee and cuddle the best dogs you will ever meet. People will call your life simple and quiet and quaint, but you will know it for what it is: chaotic and joyous and 100 percent yours.

You will still yearn for things, love. You're always going to be working towards something. There will be days you feel lost and days you feel found and days you do the finding. There will be days that feel catastrophic and days full of bliss, but oh my God darling, you're going to be there for them all if you just hold on.