Darksided

I just wanted to make it clear that good stuff happens to me. I mean fuck, I even go out of my way to make good stuff happen, sometimes. I do have other emotions that aren’t like… boiling frustration. It’s just that I’ve evolved this account into a sorta venting space for myself. Which I’ve needed a lot recently.

In reality, I try not to talk about the negative aspects of my life to others. I saw it as kinda rude and self-centered to do so. It gets hard tho, sometimes I feel like my negative thoughts are the only thing on my mind, and I can’t contribute anything else to the conversation so I just stay quiet. I feel like a walking pile of tragedy that’s just waiting to burst.

And when I do let them show, it comes with such a wave of shame and vitriol with it. I feel so ashamed of letting my emotions drive me to a point where I have to spill my guts out to whoever would listen. Like I’m not strong enough to hold myself together.

It’s not a healthy mindset to have, I realized that now. So it’s I try to do it more often, intentionally. Like a muscle that needs to be trained.

But to be honest, this post isn’t for anybody else but myself. I’m pretty sure that my account wouldn’t even reach anybody. So what’s the point? I think it’s that I don’t want to put out into the universe that the only notable thing about me is my misery. I thought that if I continued to just shit out self-deprecating word vomit I’d probably manifest even worse stuff in my life. Called it superstitious but whatever, if you can’t tell I’m grasping at straws when it comes to my self-image lol. But who knows, I’m on my mind over matter type shit.

I am a person. A troubled person but a person nonetheless the less. I am complex and layered. I have skills and knowledge. I have passions and dreams. I have a genuine love in my heart. I am, however, clouded by shame and self-doubt. A feeling that grew from hurt, disappointment, and trauma from others and even by myself. But I’m still a person, a person who chooses to live regardless. A person who wants so desperately to be better. And most importantly, I am a person with people who care and love me because of who I am.

Ambitious

I said it describes you perfectly. But when the words left my mouth I felt a pit in my stomach. Like an emptiness that I didn’t know I had in me and I felt it all at once. I clutched my chest trying to grab at something that hadn’t been there in years. Ambition, ambition, ambition, my head kept repeating. I didn’t know why it made me spiral, why now? You kept talking but at this point, I had lost myself in thought. I felt the realization so deeply, like a punch to the gut that was gonna make me throw up. I have no ambition

I asked you to drop me over at my place instead of spending the night with you. I’m sorry but I couldn’t handle being around you anymore. I got home, turned on the shower and broke down. I fell and I cried until it hurt. “God what have I done” “What am I going to do” “Everyone has it but me” “I don’t belong here” “I failed” “I got everything I wanted but I don’t have the strength to keep it” “I’m weak” “I’m pathetic” “I’m so sorry”

This feeling weights me down too much. I hate when my grief and paranoia get the better of me. Specially now that it happens constantly. I wanna be able to think about anything else that isn’t misery. That night I begged to please make it stop. To please take the headache in my head, the nausea in my stomach, the fog from my eyes so I can see my life clearly. Cuz I can’t see anything clearly anymore. I can’t focus on anything that isn’t my immediate needs. I don’t have any plans , any prospects, any roadmaps for the future. Right now all I want is a place, to myself. A place that is all my own that won’t get taken away from me. I don’t care about making a change or being a exceptional or whatever, I just want to be ok. And I’m so ashamed of that. I’m ashamed that don’t want anything more for myself, that I can’t imagine anything more for myself. Everyone else around me has the ambition to make a life bigger than themselves, but not me. I don’t even know how I’m going to make it to next year.

And you’re no different than the rest. You want, no, you NEED to accomplish more than that. And just by the way you talk about yourself I can tell you’re going to. You’re gonna have the ability to touch and change so many lives in a positive way. And you don’t even need me to tell you that, you already know of what your capable of. You’re already so proud, so happy, so hopeful for the future. A future that I can’t even even picture anymore

I wonder if you can tell? If you know how little I have going for me. If you can see me losing control. If you can see how I’m failing apart in front of you. Or are you going to realize when I fall apart completely?

Did you even notice that night?

How do you even view me after what’s happened?

I want you to look at me the way so many others do

The same way I look at you

But you never will

You’ll never see me like how I see you

and therefore you’ll never love me like how I love you.

Even when you promise me you do

And yet, I have to be fine with it because, despite that, you love me more than anybody ever will.

Even if I’ll never be what you want.

I’m inadequate

All I feel is regret and shame for it