An American Nerd in London

in the morning, sheila paige and i called easy jet to make sure we got our money back for the flight they fucked us over on. after a surprisingly simple call lasting less than 10 minutes, we were assured we would get our money back in full.

spirits lifted, the three of us decided to go to chelsea for the day to see the town decorated for the chelsea flower festival. chelsea was the cutest town and we found ourselves wandering into south kensington, where we got tapas aka the best meal of my entire life.

today was the friday from hell.

the day started out fine, save for my terrible hangover that lasted a few hours, but we all went as a group to the tower of london and the experience was incredible. the towers and the stories behind them were really interesting, we got some good pics at the tower bridge, and we got to see the crown jewels. we were tired and hungry, but overall, the morning wasn’t half bad.

the problems began when we reached westminster. the original plan was to finish westminster abbey and the tour by 1:30 so that me, paige, sheila, karlie, and laura could go home and pack for our trip to Switzerland. the line for westminster was crazy long so we were all stressing out and had to ask brad if we could skip the whole thing and leave early. luckily, he was super understanding and let us go.

once back at madison house, paige and i began to legit panic. we felt completely unprepared and were sure something was going to go horribly wrong. we were so sure, in fact, that i actually went through the trouble of looking up if we could cancel the flight and get our money back. we should’ve stuck with our guy feelings at this point, but alas, we pushed through.

after a 2.5 hour long uber ride, during which our flight was delayed 2 hours (thank god or we wouldn’t have made it in time), we made it to Gatwick. we ate, went to our gate and sat on the floor waiting for further news. 

our flight got delayed again. this time, overnight. the flight wasn’t rescheduled until the next day at 5pm. by the time we made it to our hostel, we would have had 3 hours to spend in switzerland. so, with heavy hearts, we ubered home.

all in all, it was a 12 hour ordeal.

thursdayyyy!! in the morning i have my diversity and pop culture class with a very nice lady named caroline and she takes us all to a nearby market that’s only there on thursdays from 9-2. i don’t get anything to eat even though i really want to because brad’s money sheet from the day before had made me very disappointed in my own spending habits.

that night, for colleen’s birthday, a whole bunch of us go out and try this bar called the loop. bad decision. worst bar ever. the people there were kinda old and weird and the drinks were CRAZY expensive and it just wasn’t on. 

not a very eventful day...

i have no classes on wednesdays, so hannah and i do some grocery shopping, and then i take a long series of naps. after the group meeting, i tell jacob we should talk.

full day of classes today - media & society in the morning and culture by design in the evening. me hannah and paige (and sheila? i think?) all have these classes together - which is lit.

media & society is taught by a man named Moe who looks like steven tyler and makes absolutely no sense, but is nevertheless obviously very brilliant. he was one of the pioneers in making media & society a field of study. he took us to the russell square cafe and then on a walk around all of the nearby educational buildings and campuses.

next was culture by design with J. J is a JMU alumni who actually completed this program when he was in school. he brought us to Camden Market and wow. like just wow?? no words. it was the coolest place ever with all these edgy shops and decorations and a tattoo/piercing place lived on every corner. the market itself was overwhelming and amazing. there were rows and rows of food stands with cuisine from all over the world. i got food from a venezuelan food truck that made fried cornbread stuffed with plantain, pico de gallo, black beans, sour cream, and lettuce. it was freakin amazing.

jacob texted me to see if i wanted to go with him and anton and anton’s roommate who is apparently the manager at a pub, to said pub. i agreed and brought sheila and paige along with me (of course).

we waited for hours.

by the time we got to wherever-the-fuck anton lives, he had apparently decided he needed a nap. so he texted jacob and sent us to a nearby bar called alice house. we all hung out there for a while and got some (pricey) drinks, just chatting and laughing and having a good time. after a while though, it became apparent that anton was never going to show up.

jacob started getting anxious. he drank a lot and took dozens of smoke breaks. me sheila and paige were worried for him, so we decided to ask him if he wanted to go somewhere else and party and get fucking drunk as hell. i went outside alone to find jacob smoking. i didn’t say anything. i didn’t really need to address it.

“what do you want to do?” i asked, knowing that we both were perfectly aware that he had just been stood up.

jacob didn’t answer right away. he just started talking.

he does that sometimes, i’ve noticed. he just talks. he doesn’t care if you’re even really listening, but he just has so much going on in that brilliant mind of his all the time that sometimes he needs to just get it out. so i listen.

he tells me how much he trusts me and what good friends we are and how close and comfortable he feels with me. then he describes to me the kind of person he wants to date and the relationship he wants to have with them. it is, essentially, the same list.

finally, jacob says: “i want to get fucking wasted” and i want that for him, too

we go back to g-a-y because it’s what jacob wants and all we want is to cheer him up. on the walk there, arm in arm, he tells me more about himself and his life and how hard it is for people to understand him. i tell him i’m doing my best and i think he really believes me.

he yells at a drunk man on the way. i tell him that he’s self-destructive and he seems to think about that for a while.

little did i know how right i was and what the rest of the night would bring.

within minutes of getting into the club, jacob and i began to dance and make out (as we do) and I'm fucking living for it. he makes me feel like I'm so alive and electric but its so comfortable it the same time. it’s only the second time but it’s already so familiar, being with him.

he talks to me and trusts me and i listen and support him and kiss him and he tells me I'm perfect. simple as that. perfect. me. no one has ever called me perfect before.

“except i’m not a guy, right?” i joke. jacob gives me a funny look and shakes his head vehemently.

“no! no not at all - i told you that I'm into attractive people, and you’re the most beautiful girl I've ever seen.”

no one’s ever told me this before either.

so i believe him and i kiss him and i trust him. after a while, we go outside for jacob to take a smoke break. i’m hesitant because he’s already smoked so much, so when he finishes his first cigarette i take it out of his hands.

bad move.

jacob gets angry. very angry. he tells me that he doesn’t like it when people control him - that people CANT control him. i assure him that i’m only trying to help.

“you can’t make me not gay you know.”

i physically and emotionally withdraw from him. he reaches for me and pulls me back into him and kisses my face and hair telling me how beautiful i am and that if any guy ever tells me otherwise, that he’ll kill them all. i’m just confused now and upset, so i walk away from him. he meets back up with me inside and we dance and kiss like we’re normal and what we do is normal and nothing is wrong.

jacob is very obviously becoming more and more disturbingly drunk as the night goes on. sheila and paige want to go home, and honestly, so do i. so, we tell jacob it’s time to leave.

“you can leave, go with them. i’m going to stay here.” 

jacob actually thinks i’m gonna leave his ass behind. i tell him that i’d never do that, and it’s a constant back and forth for almost an hour. he runs from me and kisses me to try and divert my attention and he refuses to listen to reason. i’m begging him at this point. he’s so drunk it’s like he doesn't even see me.

“jacob, you said you trust me, right? well i need you to trust me right now when i say it’s time to go home.”

“and i need you to trust me that i’m fine.” he’s slurring his words and his eyes are glazed over. the two of us are pressed forehead to forehead.

“i want to, jacob,” i tell him, my heart breaking. “but right now in this moment, i don’t. you are way too drunk -”

“too drunk?” jacob cuts me off and cups my face with both of his hands. “you think i’m too drunk right now? you think i’m too drunk to see your beautiful eyes right in front of me?”

he’s quite the talker.

finally, we convince jacob that it’s time to leave. 

he searches his pockets and realizes that he doesn’t have his keys. we’ve already left the club and started walking home and he swears that he left them on a couch in the back. i go back by myself to find them for him, but after taking two laps around, i am sure they aren’t there. 

jacob doesn’t accept that as an answer. he insists on standing out in front of the club all night, asking people as they walk out if they’ve seen his keys. it’s ridiculous and embarrassing and horrifying and he won’t stop and he won’t listen to me and i’m crying, begging him to just come home with me.

paige messages me that she and sheila couldn’t wait anymore and that they’ve gone home. jacob finally agrees to leave only because he would never let me walk home by myself.

the walk back is one of the most painful parts of the night. 

we hold hands and walk down the london city streets at 3 in the morning, him yelling and ranting like a crazy person and me, staring straight ahead, tears rolling down my cheeks and a dead look in my eyes. he doesn’t sound like himself, talk like himself, act like himself. it’s terrifying. 

we get back and i walk him to his room in the hopes that we’ll be able to get one of his roommates to let him in. while we’re waiting, jacob, his face in my hands, begins to cry. the most horrible, painful looking cry i’ve ever seen. like something he’s been holding back for so long was finally too much for him to hold inside. 

i just hold him and whisper that everything will be alright. he tells me that nothing is alright in his life and i don’t know what to say so i just keep assuring him that everything is fine. his roommate lets him in and before I'm even downstairs to my flat, jacob is messaging me that I'm perfect and his keys were in his flat the whole time, and i break down and cry.

I'm emotionally and physically exhausted, i’m scared for jacob and whatever is going on in his head, and i realize something very scary.

first day of classes!!!!!

gag. 

my day started with media & politics, which wasn’t the most interesting class i’ve ever had to sit through tbh. professor took us to the science museum and then ditched us there without even telling anyone he was leaving. what a dick. 

this worked out in our favor somehow bc sheila, tess, colleen, emmie and i all stayed back in kensington instead of taking the tube home right away and got the most BOMB Mediterranean food. might have been lebanese.

that night, the entire group when to see a play in soho called the curious incident of the dog in the nighttime. it was so amazing. it was told from the pov of a boy with Aspberger’s who finds his neighbor’s dog dead and while on his quest to find out who killed the dog, he discovers that his mother who his father previously told him was dead is actually alive and had ran away with another man. the special effects and choreography was stunning and sometimes he was literally walking on walls. the lights would flash and shit was just so cool.

that night, i went to g-a-y with jacob again. just the two of us this time. he bought me a few drinks and we danced and i met some very cool romanian guys (2 gay ones and a straight one that i made out with (Vlad)). i spent a lot of my night with them, bc jacob was with a swedish boy named Anton. Anton was very nice and pretty. i watched them make out a few times (no shame). an old pervert man gave us cocaine off of his pinky finger and i couldn’t feel my lips afterwards. 

jacob and anton wanted to go to an afterparty when the club closed and we were leaving at 3:30. i agreed to go, but while in the cab jacob reminded me that i had a full day of classes the next day, so he paid the cab driver extra to drop me off first because he “cares too much about me to let me do that to myself”

in my mind, this was the calm before the storm

FUCKING INCREDIBLE

we started the day on a walking tour of royal london, seeing buckingham palace and cathedrals and the london tower and big ben - got some amazing pictures

then we went to Wembley fucking Stadium to see a footie match - GO YORK OUR TEAM WON AND WE SCREAMED AND LOST OUR FUCKING MINDS AND IT WAS JUST SUCH AN EXPERIENCE

paige, sheila and i basically spent the entire fucking day walking around and it was amazing

first, we walked with matt after our pancake breakfast and splitting the bill debacle at My Old Dutch. then, we walked with Laura at night. we got the most BOMB ice cream and dealt with some creeps together. great bonding.

i spent basically this entire day freaking out about what happened with me and Jacob and struggling not to tell everyone that we made out

we had dinner at brad’s flat and then a whole shit ton of us went to o’neills to do some clubbing. O’neill’s is this 3 story bar/club where the top floor is for dancing and getting lit. the drinks were expensive as hell, but the company was to die for. i really clicked with alyssa and emmie tonight, and also made out with this british guy named george. his basic british name matched his basic british appearance - white, blone, tall and skinny, with blonde hair. 

yikes this day got really fucking crazy 

i am literally terrified of going through the airport by myself. at every turn i am fucking shaking, nervous that i’ve forgotten something or that i’ll mess up, but by some miracle, i arrive in london

me, paige, hannah, tess, colleen, karlie and sheila go to the pubs - i buy my first legal drinks (woo)

I think the universe meant for me and Jacob to meet. 

I knew, from stalking him on the group Facebook page, that I would be into him. I would make him my challenge, my conquest. Or, at the very least, I would have a good fucking time flirting with him.

For the first few days, he seemed to gravitate towards me in a way that I couldn’t explain. I’m not the best looking girl on this trip, by far, but we kept finding our way to each other’s sides. We spent our entire group walk to the London Eye huddled together under his umbrella - I didn’t ask and he didn’t say a word as he stayed by my side and kept me dry all day long. I was drawn to his kind eyes and his sweet smile and his sense of humor that always seemed to be perfectly in sync with my own. I was starting to feel all of these things for him in such a short amount of time - little did I know that he was feeling the same way.

A huge group of us went out to the pub later that night, but the pub closed at midnight and I wasn’t ready to stop. Jacob was still in the flat sleeping, and he wanted to go out, too. So me, him and my roommate Paige decided to hit G-A-Y, which is (duh) a gay club less than a 10 minute walk away from our flat with a super cheap cover charge. 

I was already giddy with excitement. Out of our huge group of people that went to the pub, only Paige and I were going to the club and Jacob couldn’t have cared less - he still wanted to go, just the three of us. It meant I would have precious alone time with him and a chance to keep exploring this connection I couldn’t ignore. 

I wasn’t planning on making out with him on Day 2, I swear I wasn’t. But somehow - I literally couldn’t even say what we were talking about or who made the first move - we found ourselves pressed close, lips locked, in the middle of a gay bar in Soho. I couldn’t have been happier, I thought. Things slowly started to get more complicated and confusing after that.

The girl in line behind us at the bar for drinks and I somehow started chatting. My fingers still tightly intertwined with Jacob’s, my drunk ass told this girl that I wanted to kiss her. So to save me the trouble, she went ahead and kissed me, instead. Pressed up against Jacob, holding his hand, kissing her lips - it was so overwhelming and perfect and in that moment I couldn’t have cared less about what all of it meant. Jacob didn’t seem to mind either, funnily enough. He just held me close while I kissed a random girl. 

We went outside at that point - Jacob, Paige, and I, so that Jacob could have a smoke (not my favorite thing about him :/) and I’ve never had a conversation with someone that confused me so much but also just naturally made so much sense. I believe the conversation started with him asking me about the girl-kissing business. I told him I was kinda bi, but to maybe please not tell any of the other Madison House students. He told me he promised he wouldn’t, then he explained to me that he just liked people. In no explicit terms, he just told me that he was either bi, like me, or pansexual. He wanted to go to this gay club tonight because he wanted to hook up with a guy. I think this was the part that I started loving him. Maybe not in a romantic way, but in some deep intrinsic soulful way, I loved this brown-eyed boy who was just like me on the inside. I could just feel it - our brains and our hearts were just so similar. 

“Can I tell you something?” I asked him, feeling like I could say anything. 

“Yes, please do, I love honesty!” So do I.

“I’m like, kinda into you.” There it was. Soul bared. And yet, I didn’t feel vulnerable in front of him.

He liked me, too, he said. He liked me a lot. He was definitely into me, but he wasn’t sure if this thing would work out very well in the long run because he preferred men. This fact, however, did not crush me in the way I thought it should.

“Can we still make out?”

Jacob laughed. “Yes, of course, I’d love to do that. We can keep making out all the time.” 

He wants us to make out, he wants to sleep with me, he wants me in his bed cuddling all night. He told me that he thought we were gonna be really close - that he just knew it and he could tell from the moment we met that we were going to be best friends. He wanted us to be so close that everyone would know - we were an item, a pair, we were together in some weird cosmic way. 

We went back inside and I kept kissing that girl. I never let go of J the entire time - I wanted him near me. I think we kissed again - I have no idea. We were one. 

So what were we now? Something undefined and exciting, on the paradigm of what was socially acceptable. Something open and free and understanding. We do what we want. We be who we want. We love as many people as we want (including each other, I suppose) and we never have to give it a name or rules. 

It’s perfect.