I have decided there are really only two ways to go forward as I seek out all that I wish for.
I can go in scarcity, jealous of other’s success, impatient, anxious, disappointed in small crowds, harsh on myself and my friends for any shortcomings. I can work every day in a fog and in a weariness that only ceases momentarily when victory’s arise, small satisfactions ruling my moods and days…
Or I can work just as diligently in an attempt at lightness ,with deliberate gratitude and trust. I can be disciplined in mind and not see others success’s as threats, I can sit back and wish well for them, i can speak aloud my praises for them to flourish. I can go about my long hours of practice and knowledge-seeking with a more gentle heart and spirit. I can be more willing to let my life flux, to let the unexpected and uncommon take a larger standing in my life. To let the space in between be more of a place to slow in and to explore, as opposed to a “waste”.
I care for music in a way I was so very unprepared to. Truthfully, there was no point where I consciously sat and decided I would commit every waking moment to its path. It just began and its company and guiding hand have been with me ever since. Every day I heed its call, sometimes its voice rings out clear and the direction is obvious. Other days I see only signs of where it has stepped and where I am supposed to follow. Always I have been faithful to its pull and curious in the rooms I find myself occupying.
I hear Mary Oliver ringing in my ears
“he who does not crave that roofless place eternity should stay home” - I think I have been looking too much lately for signs of progress. So clearly it is here in my voice, in my songs, in my abilities. But still I look to my empty pockets and thin crowds as old desires grab hold of my heart and demand what I have already renounced! I wish to play shows, I wish to be sustained, I wish to know that there are those who wait eagerly for my music, loads of these lovely people. But none of these things make me any better of an artist tomorrow than what I am today. The real pursuit is in the privacy, in the presence of the life before me. In the honesty I sew with words and melody. I mustn’t confuse these two characteristics of the craft. The progress musically and the progress to make a living and to be remembered may at times share a roof, but they are in no other ways interchangeable.
You have grown every day for seven years as an artist, you have grown in such beautiful and needed ways, for yourself, for your friends, and for the world you inhabit. Be proud of yourself, stay steady, stay light, kind, and good to those around you.
