I got lots of moves....

# crzystup1dluv / 21+ dd:dne / activity by demand / low effort.

INDIE and SEMI-SELECTIVE JACOB PALMER from Crazy, Stupid, Love (2011). Knowledge of source material not needed for interaction but it's a cute movie and you should go watch it !! Set primarily post- movie, canon-diverg. but verse adaptable.

Garf / 31+ / they & them. Primary made this blog for g0slingverse shenanigans, but open to all.

❛ hey , you , uh ... you look like you buy flowers. ❜

His first mistake had been coming to a flower shop. Flower shops were cesspools for desperate men who had usually either fucked up what they had or were about to fuck up what they might have had. Maybe a greenhouse would have been smarter. Too late now!

Jacob stood with a little potted succulent in one hand, sunglasses perched on his face to obscure the way his eyes narrowed at the man that was vying for his attention-— his advice, rather.

❝ We're both in a flower shop. Typically people in flowers shops are there to buy flowers. ❞

Nothing more was said to drive home the point that he already had a poor impression of this stranger.

With the amount of situations like this he was either pulled into or inserted himself in, he should be charging for courses.

He listened and it was by the saving grace of the expensive sunglasses alone that saved Colt from an absolutely soul-destroying side-eye. His lips pursed and then he exhaled his breath in a motorboat fashion.

❝ Wow. You're just... out here, aren't you? Just walking around existing like... this. ❞ He made a circular gesture with his free hand as if to emphasize the man's entirety.

❝ Right. A friend of totally vague gender. Firstly, I wouldn't be getting flowers for a lady unless I was looking to take her to bed. You lookin' to take this woman to bed? Because if not, your best bet is to either turn and walk yourself out of here or buy the biggest bouquet and hope you can suffocate yourself with it because you're gonna wish you'd never been born if you go through with this and try n' get her flowers like a smuck. ❞

First off, he highly doubted that this guy didn't actually want it to come across as a come-on. Men didn't get women flowers just for the hell of it. There was always, always motivation behind it.

Okay, no. No, Jacob. That was generalizing and he was trying to move away from that mindset. But typically? TYPICALLY men only got women flowers or chocolate or whatever if they were trying to send a specific message, if they were trying to court her or bed her.

Jacob exhaled heavily again and let his head hang. Fine. What was some more charity work?

❝ If you're serious about it being purely platonic. No funny business. No bullshit subtle tactics to stupidly try and manipulate her into seeing you a certain way? Something yellow. Daffodils, sunflowers, yellow roses. It's flower language. Yellow for friends. And make you know that whole spiel when you hand them over. Make it seem like you did your research on what they meant and didn't just ask the first guy you could turn those Help Me Please, I'm Pathetic and Helpless puppy dog eyes on. ❞

Brilliant work, Jacob. Drawn in like a nosy moth to the flame and with such perfect timing. Of course the owner would come strolling out just in time to see the suited man circling his bike. And the owner sure did match the bike! Tattoos, cigarette, a pissy attitude (the last one was understandable, to be fair). Hopefully, he was more bark than bite.

Jacob lifted his hands to chest level to both convey he meant no harm and to keep the man from fully encroaching on his space. He was still close enough that the exhaled smoke clawed at his throat. To his credit, he stood his ground and merely scrunched his face in obvious disgust.

❝ I was just looking. I didn't touch a thing. Relax, tiger. ❞ He wanted to be an asshole right back and ask the stranger why the hell he'd need to take anything. Just look at them! The tax bracket different was obvious.

But Jacob was not looking to have his night (and face) ruined with a broken nose.

❝ Y'can check for yourself. Go on. I'll stand right here while you do it if it gets you to calm the hell down. ❞

Jacob had his keys out, swinging them idly by the keyring around his finger, a quick snack in a store bag clutched in his other hand. Nice night out. Cool, quiet. Maybe too quiet. That just meant it was the perfect night to head right to somewhere more bustling and lively.

Mentally, he racked his brain for the nearby clubs and bars and what the general vibes were of each around this time of night. They all had different flavors; no two were the same and that suited him just fine considering he seemed to live there more than his own sprawling home.

He passes by a guy stood at a vending machine and didn't do much more than spare a passing glance. Jacob managed to get a whopping four steps away when he was startled by the sudden outburst of motion and sound and whirled around, eyes round with alarm.

Shaking the machine and tipping it forward-— okay, he was not going to have the pregame to his evening at a bar be watching a man crushed to death over a shitty bag of chips. He pocketed his keys and strode over.

❝ You lookin' to get killed? ❞ Okay, Jacob. Maybe let's NOT have the first thing you say be easily misconstrued as a goddamn threat. Do you know what else he wasn't looking to have as a pregame? Being curb stomped into the pavement.

❝ Here. Stop, stop! Back up. ❞ He boldly shooed the guy back with his body, held a hand out to put space between them.

❝ Relax. Hold this. ❞ He thrust the grocery store bag out towards the stranger and then turned to brace his hands against the top corners of the machine and instead tipped it backwards and then let it drop again with a rattle and thud. The stuck item as well as a choice few others rained down into the swinging door at the bottom.

Pleased with himself, he turned and dusted off his hands and gestured wordlessly for his bag back with a wriggle of his fingers.

❝ People tip it forward and die like idiots. Number one cause of deaths by vending machines. We need to be better than a vending machine death statistic. Don't we? ❞

If anyone wants to plot, IMs should be open.

Jacob && Some of his Issues.

cw internalized homophobia, sexism, toxic masculinity, mentions of typical shitty rape culture in the dating and fling scene.

Passively and opportunistically sexist -—

Jacob isn't a cut and dry, black and white bad guy. He can be and has been pretty scummy, but he's never been out there targeting drunk women or coercing them or threatening them, etc like a lot of the men in the scene. He throws out his lines, he flirts, he takes 'no' for a hard stop answer (even if he can boast he rarely gets those). He drives his flings home, he makes them breakfast if they stay. He's a gentlemen, he's polite, he's very clear with his own boundaries and what the sex means to him and he makes sure his partner for the night is on the same page.

HOWEVER, it is inarguable that this man is pulling a lot from the typical sexist male dating playbook. Even if a lot of the lines are not harmful in the traditional and in your face sense, they do stand on problematic foundation. Essentially lumping women into one shallow category, assuming they're all swept off their feet if you compliment their looks, relying on gender stereotypes, leaning heavily on approaching a situation as the lead because he's the man. Etc etc. And it can be argued women aren't dumb and I'm sure a lot of them see good and well through these tactics for what they are: bullshit and just entertain it because they're also just looking for a lay like he is.

Does Jacob actually believe a lot of the 'women need to be taken care of by men' type narratives he employs to pick them up? Not really. But if something seems to work, he has no qualms with utilizing it even if it's pretty shitty. Plus, there are women in the same situation as him that have their own internalized misogyny and so they're all sort of just feeding off each other in that regard unfortunately.

Internalized sexism and homophobia -—

But there is an aspect of some internalized stuff even if it's not in your face and toxic alpha male type levels. His mother was very strict with gender roles. Men were the leaders, men were stoic, men didn't cry or do things like art or theater or anything that wasn't a traditionally masculine hobby. Men gave flowers, didn't get them. They didn't like 'girly' colors, they don't drink out of straws or like fruity drinks, etc etc. That was what he was raised with and he wasn't AS fucked up because he did have his father for a time who was a very sensitive man that was comfortable in his masculinity and held little regard for what men and women were 'supposed' to do but he did not escape adolescence unscathed by this upbringing and he's still working through a lot and hasn't even begun to unlearn some of the more subtle stuff.

Which also explains his hesitance with being overly open with his interest in men. The homoromantic identity is one he's still figuring out about himself, but Jacob has always been aware he was physically interested in women and men and everyone in between or beyond. He likes sex and it does exist as an interest for him beyond a coping mechanism (he just has to figure out how to be a little healthier with it is all), enjoys the physicality of it. He's not always aware of everything like identities or complex sexualities or whatever, but he's always been open to give anything a go because he likes the human body.

Toxic Masculinity -—

Where he is good at picking up women because he is relying on a shitty society-accepted gendered rulebook, he's bad at picking up men for the same reason: men are aggressive, men don't flirt the same, men aren't sensitive and they don't like to be complimented the same as women, men are competition, etc. And then never mind the fact Jacob does see it as less safe to openly flirt with men in a genuine sense, which is why a lot of what he does is provoking them and bantering rather than trying to outright woo and seduce because if they end up straight or not interested, he can just play it off as though he was riling them up and fucking with them. Where he sees flirting with women as this delicate and intricate dance, flirting with men is more like a competition for dominance. He likes to say men have a whole other rulebook that he just isn't as versed in and that's why he doesn't go after men often.

Jacob isn't the sort that is going to call anyone slurs or a sissy or whatever else because they openly reject the gender norms he was raised with, but he is going to try and distance himself from that and he won't defend it and might even try and 'help' by 'fixing' it like what he tried to do with Cal.

This has eased up A LOT since post-film (he likes fruity cocktails, he'll use that straw sometimes if only to spite his mother, he doesn't get as defensive towards attacks on his masculinity, etc) but he still falls back on his old ways sometimes especially when he's not confident and especially now that he's not involved with Hannah. That is such a key feature of Jacob: he's very unsure of himself and very unsure of who he actually is or what he actually likes and does not like to feel vulnerable and unsafe which is why he's developed this persona that relies on stereotypes and presents as someone who is very sure of themselves and this is why he can't quite shake it even though he can no longer fully commit to it.

Jacob wants to romance. Sometimes he wants to be lead and pursued just as often as he is the one pursuing...but at the same time he is fighting himself every step of the way because that's new and scary and not what he's used to and Jacob cannot stand being out of his element and cannot stand the idea of being actually rejected for him.