☾⋆𖦹✩badtasteblog

basically she and bert were childhood friends to lovers but they grew up strict mormon so it was never gonna be that simple. esp for her being raised a girl in the mormon church it comes w so many restrictions and so much shame esp wrt sex but they were teenagers in love so they did hook up and then got caught by their parents talking on the phone all giggly about it and essentially got booted from home for being nasty skanks who had premarital sex

then they kinda ran away together but they were 15 years old and had started using meth and other drugs and they didn’t have a solid place to stay. they slept in garages and parks and on couches and in briefly in a storage unit. they ended up getting an apartment but then they broke up and bert got arrested and joined the used in an attempt to turn his life around.

anyway that’s not the end of their doomed romance bc they ended up getting back together and being p on and off for most of the early 00s including using together. anyway in late 03/early 04 they were breaking up another time and decided to have breakup sex. and the condom broke.

(bert’s had a lot of issues w condoms breaking and my theory is he doesn’t know how to put them on properly bc mormon sex ed but that’s beside the point)

anyway they were 22 and she got pregnant but they decided to keep it. the extent to which being raised mormon was involved in that decision (esp on her side) is debatable.

anyway he went on tour and kept using drugs. and in summer 04 she overdosed (mostly likely on purpose) on drugs her and bert’s friend (who bert was also fucking) brought her. i say most likely on ourpose bc she left bert a note. that he burnt without reading.

and ive just been mulling over how many times and by how many people she was failed. 22 year old scared pregnant traumatized addict awash with shame the likes of which anyone raised a man could never fathom.

the body turned against you as a motif: first when you were a teenager and just wanted a boy you like to touch you and make you feel nice. and then when you’re treated like an evil whore and you run away and your body starts to need the drugs you’ve been using to cope with how much your family and society seems to hate you for being human and it’s cold outside. and then when you can get back inside and you think it’s all over your body and your love becomes a knife pointed towards you again.

obviously i don’t know exactly how she felt about the pregnancy or what ultimately led to her decision to od but i do think a young woman raised in a strict religious community wouldn’t see any options when she was pregnant in a rocky relationship w an unstable addict who had a lot of other partners and to top it off she herself was still using drugs. maybe to her there was only one way out and that is so gut wrenching to me.

her being female had a lot to do with her death and i stand by that. if bert was a girl he’d be dead.