A Very Critical Hat

I wish zeppelins were still a widely available means of transport, I'd love to travel the world on an amazing dirigible circuit

ive invented (note: dubious claim) something i call the bear diet which is mostly fruits and vegetables with fish as the main protein source and something like once a month you eat a few hyperprocessed foods of your liking because that is when you, the bear, raid a dumpster in the suburbs

after the hyperprocessed foods, do you take tranquilizers to simulate getting captured by animal control and returned to the wild?

i would settle for melatonin gummies but well. knock yourself out

atheist quarterback throws a hail darwin

agnostic quarterback throws a hail maybe

christian pitcher throws a christian baby

i'm like a fujoshi but for dead people

the thing about pineapple is that “as much as I want to eat in one sitting” regularly overlaps with “the amount you have to eat to take external damage from bromelain”

saying "question mark?" and "however comma," out loud are game changers. punctuation on the go. and it's always the funniest thing that anyone around you has ever heard

i think its charming when peoples personal lives improve and they get drastically worse at posting

i've been phasing the phrase 'google it' out of my vocabulary and going back to 'look it up'. fuck you youve lost your generic trademark privileges

Funny when someone introduces you to something, you get really into it, and then they lose all interest in it. Oh so you’re just going to abandon me at the party you invited me to. Dude you were my ride.

me: yeah, so one of your most famous works is actually just that commission of a woman that you kept. Honestly, it's less of the piece itself that lead to its fame and more the mystery surrounding it, so I was hoping you could clear that up the decayed corpse of Leonardo Da Vinci that I resurrected: Hai detto che hanno chiamato una tartaruga che combatte il crimine con il mio nome?

Hang on let me translate something real quick

Yeah this is funny

[Image ID: Tumblr reply from briarBlackwellBooks reading: for those of you seeking the translation: "did you say they named a crime-fighting turtle after me?" /End ID]

the princess population is dying. princesses are almost extinct

Literally the definition of imperialism and classism. Doesn’t matter how many peasants you sacrifice as long as the most powerful piece is left standing

Proximity of bishops to the rulers promotes theocratic oppression

the horse is so fuckable

I don't like to admit it, but sometimes I actually miss John Green.

Sometimes I can almost hear him.

stretches my legs out so far with all toes spread out wide