cringy bitch

“Jesus, you need to wear a bell, dolly fella,” he blurts out flailing a little, heat flooding his ears once his own words register. Steve gives him a confused look in return.

“Have never been called a doll before” and there is something in his voice, something weird and fragile that Eddie cannot decipher. Maybe Harrington is worried about his masculinity being insulted.

“Never called you a doll, big guy” Eddie says because he’s a real chill guy, a go-with-the-flow guy, not a pathetic kid that compliments straight boys in public and panics type, “just some metal uh… metalhead slang.”

“Dolly fella,” Steve repeats slowly words strangely fitting his lips. He nods as if deciding that it suits him.

“What does it mean?” And now Eddie is shitting bricks for real.

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” He leans into Steve’s personal space donning a grin that makes him look feral and presses a random tape to his chest, “I’ll take this one.” Steve takes it to see if there’s a copy of it in the back. Eddie pretends that he doesn’t notice how he looks back over his shoulder.

He knows that he’s acting weird. He just hopes that it looks Eddie Munson weird and not a boy with his first crush weird. He turns and startles coming eye to eye with wide-eyed Robin.  

“Metalhead slang, huh,” she says looking at him as if she’s seeing him for the first time, he smiles at her shakily but stubbornly. She considers something before looking at him and taking a deep breath.

“Should have known you were a fruit from the hanky, and the abundance of aunt nelly fakes” she says a bit too loudly before nervously glancing around to see if anyone’s heard.  Eddie’s smile turns genuine.

“Acdc or palone-omi?”

“Palone-omi.” She says daring him to say anything with her stare. And he thinks her brave for admitting it aloud even in code.   

“Is that why you and him never?” He gestures broadly and she sighs leaning against the counter.

“Not for his lack of trying,” she must see his slight wince, “sorry”.

“What are you apologizing for?” Steve asks reaching out to take the coins, sweaty from Eddie twirling them around in his pockets.  

“Nothing,” they say in unison and Eddie digs his hand into his hair. The invisible lights all turn on him as he snatches the tape from Steve’s hand.

“See you,” he nods at Steve and salutes Robin “rock on, bona donna.”

“Come back soon,” Robin whisper yells violently waving. Steve must give her some kind of look because the last thing he hears is:

“We found an understanding.”

 Understatement of the century.

“Come in,” Namjoon’s beautiful voice rings out and he puts on a smile.

“Hyung, would you like to watch a movie together?” Jimin asks.

“Jimin-ah, I’m so sorry but I can’t right now” says his hyung and it’s only now that Jimin drags his eyes away from his face and notices that Namjoon is standing in a coat his hands full of his lyric notebooks.

“Where are you going, hyung?” Jimin asks although he already knows he won’t like the answer and sure enough Namjoon says:

“To Yoongi’s studio. Hyung asked for my help with a song.”

And logically Jimin knows that it makes sense for Yoongi to ask for Namjoon’s help, God knows Jimin couldn’t help write lyrics, especially for hip-hop songs let alone beats but he can’t act rationally in this case, because it feels too much like giving up on his hyung.  

“You don’t spend time with us, anymore”.

With me, he thinks.

Namjoon sighs before putting on his leader persona. And Jimin wants to punch it off his face-or preferably, kiss it off with his mouth, but that's nobody’s business but Jimin’s. Namjoon looks at his pouting lips and puppy eyes and ruffles his hair smiling at the mess he has made. 

“I know, Jimin-ah, but we are so close to finishing the album. Why don’t you go and see if Kookie could watch it with you instead?” 

It sounds too much like, see if Kookie would play with you, as if he were a child. Namjoon doesn’t sense his inner turmoil and hums happily as he brushes past him to put on his shoes. Jimin keeps staring at the door after Namjoon closes it. Maybe he really should go bother Jeongguk instead. It doesn’t take long to find him; he doesn’t even have to stray his ears to hear the excited shouts following yet another victory for his team. What is more surprising is Taehyung’s presence in the room. He knows Tae hates this particular game but you couldn’t tell by the way he’s cheering and slapping their manknae’s shoulder. All is fair in love and war huh. Tae notices him and waves him over. 

“Are you going to join us, Jimin?” he asks and Jeongguk turns around excitedly. 

“Do you want to play? It’s really simple I could teach you, Jimin hyung,” he says a little too loud and Jimin winces at the noise level. He really doubts it’s that simple.  

“Not everyone is a child prodigy, Jeongguk,” he says and regrets it a moment later, no need to inflate his ego even more. 

“No really it isn’t that hard. TaeTae, got it in a few days.” Jeongguk exclaims not noticing tips of Taehyung’s ears going pink. Jimin is tempted to tell him about the night he caught Taehyung practicing be himself, but Taehyung’s glare stops him. As well as the fact that he knows too much of Jimin’s secrets for him to risk it.  

“I actually wondered if you guys would like to watch a movie with me?” he says and sees Taehyung perk up at that but Jeongguk shoots Jimin an apologetic look. 

“We’d love to, hyung, but we have to win this tournament. I’d really like this new armour,” Jeongguk says and Jimin watches Taehyung visibly deflate. He snickers and Tae sends another glare his way while Jeongguk looks at him with his head turned to a side like a confused puppy, the expression no doubt learnt from Taehyung. 

“I’ll just watch you play if you don’t mind,” he says and the maknae shrugs and turns back to the screen. He settles next to Jeongguk and studies him for a bit. He looks at his messy hair, at his tattoos and quick fingers and while he finds it all aesthetically pleasing, he doesn’t get the same warmth that fills him from head to toes when he looks at Namjoon.  

He feels Tae shooting daggers at him over maknae’s head and raises an eyebrow at him. Tae doesn’t have to worry. The only time he really paid attention to Jeongguk  was in their early days when the younger looked at Namjoon with stars in his eyes. He never did anything about his obvious crush and eventually moved on leaving Jimin comfortable in his position as Namjoon’s favourite person. Tae knows all this, but they wouldn’t be friends if he was a completely rational person so of course he takes Jimin’s raised eyebrow as a challenge and brushes his free hand over Jeongguk’s shoulder, an innocent gesture that could be written off as brushing lint off Jeongguk’s hoodie. 

 Something unexpected happens at that moment. Jeongguk stills just for a second and his cheeks go soft pink, but he quickly recovers and turns his attention back to the game.  Jimin turns to look at Tae whose eyes are wide open with wonder and awe. Seokjin and Hoseok hyungs could have a twerk off in front of him and his eyes would still stay on Jeongguk. Jimin looks at the screen where Tae’s character is still alive only by some sheer miracle. The moment passes when Jeongguk’s character dies and he starts cursing bringing Tae back into the game. There’s a small smile on his face and Jimin almost pities Jeongguk. Now that Tae is privy to this piece of information there is no way he’ll let the boy go. Their poor shy maknae will be bombarded by Taehyung’s loud expressions of love. He might be a good influence on Jeongguk though if the fact that he started referring to Jimin as hyung is anything to go by. The longer he watches Taehyung the more he feels like he’s intruding on something private and special, so he gets up and leaves, closing the door silently.  

He goes to the kitchen and finds Jin-hyung's note that says he’s shopping and won’t be back until late. Hoseok is nowhere to be found so he’s probably out with one of the dancers. He has nothing to do so he might as well practice his dance again. He puts on his shoes and walks out. The walk to the dance studio is not too long so he doesn’t get too cold though he can’t imagine going back would be as warm. Too late for that now.  

The studio is chilly, but it gets warmer as he does his warmup exercises. He feels himself smiling as he goes through the familiar steps. This is his safe space. His mind is quiet as all of his energy and concentration goes into spins, jumps and complicated hand movements. By the time he's went through most of their recent choreography he’s panting loudly, and his shirt is drenched by sweat. Je takes it off himself and throws it on the floor laying down himself. His pulse pounds in his ears as he gasps for air. Nothing else makes him feel so empty and so alive at the same time, he thinks that it might be similar to the effect of meditation that Jin-hyung always raves about. He really is turning into their yoga soccer mom, Jimin thinks and laughs before sitting up to drain a bottle of water. He stands up and turns on their newest song.  

It’s a sexy song. Not trashy though. Namjoon and Yoongi hyungs always manage to toe the line that would get the song censored on national television. Though nowadays they are mostly free to do as they please as their international success created leniency from Korean audiences that seemed impossible earlier. It’s Jimin’s and Hoseok’s responsibility to sell the song this time so he concentrates on perfecting his steps. He recalls their dance trainer’s words during the trainee days.  To make the audience believe they have to portray intense emotions on their faces, if the song is sexy their expressions must be intense, the moves intentional. There is a certain removal between them and the audience, especially if they are sitting far away, so he must be so convincing that everyone could feel as if they are having a private moment with him. And he stares at the mirror and tries repeatedly, however none of it looks right. His face stares back at him embarrassed and unconvincing.  Usually, to distract himself from the audience and sink into the emotional headspace he thinks about their charismatic leader. He dances as if Namjoon is the only one watching him, cries during break up songs as if Namjoon was breaking up with him, does aegyo as if it was directed at Namjoon, but now he put Namjoon in the back off his mind in efforts to distance himself from the unpleasant feelings.  

After the tenth failed attempt he decides to give in and think of Namjoon. But as he is doing a spinning jump Yoongi’s lyrics about his tongue technology come unbidden into his mind and he lands painfully twisting his left ankle. He lays and thinks that, for all he knows Yoongi is performing his tongue technology on Namjoon at this very moment, and his mouth feels as if it was full of ash. Why wouldn’t it be true, Yoongi never was shy of his sexuality and it’s not like Namjoon is a blushing schoolboy either, there is a full computer bursting with proof of that. They were always attached to the hip, even before Jimin arrived, they must have fooled around before. He imagines two scared young boys, curious and... He forcefully tries to stop his mind but it’s like the floodgates have been opened and one after another the pictures come, of Yoongi kissing Namjoon’s dimples, of Namjoon biting Yoongi’s lip, of Yoongi resting his head on a strong chest, of a tan hand holding the pale one... 

Hot tears are streaming down his cheeks and he lets out a sob before standing up and turning off the light he can’t look at himself anymore. He looks pathetic, no surprise that Namjoon-hyung doesn’t notice him. There is no point in him asking for more and more sensual parts from their choreographer. Namjoon doesn’t want to see him. Namjoon doesn‘t want to see him, he repeats to himself as a mantra. Why would he, after all, for all Jimin acts, he’s never been with a man. Yoongi is much a better fit for Namjoon, he's experienced and doesn’t have to act like a needy whore to get Namjoon’s attention. He doesn’t demand attention, unlike Jimin who constantly needs attention. Pathetic.  

He cries and cries and cries and then dances more. The expression that looks back at him fits the song but in the different way. An outsider would even say it’s beautiful and artistic. The dance now looks like a relationship bound to end tragically from the beginning. It’s realistic. Jimin almost likes it. He turns off the lights off and dances in the dark. The time disappears until Hoseok comes into the studio and asks why he’s dancing like a maniac in the dark. Jimin looks at the clock and gasps when he sees the time. 

“Hyung, what are you doing here at four am?” Jimin asks and Hobi shrugs and grins. 

“I could ask you the same, Jimin-ah," he says. 

“I forgot about the time, hyung,  you know how it is. I’ll be going now.  Let’s walk together,” Jimin says but Hoseok shakes his head and at Jimin’s worried look adds: 

“I slept a bit during the day I’ll be alright, Jimin-ah,” and something in his eyes tells him that he needs to be left alone. Jimin isn’t the only one who treats dance as therapy. So, he puts on his shirt, that is dry by now and finds his pink sweater before heading for the door. 

Jimin-ah,” Hoseok calls out and Jimin looks at him. “I love the spin you put on the choreography. We might use it for a special edition of the dance practice.” And on any other occasion Jimin would be excited but now he just nods and closes the door leaving Hobi with his furrowed eyebrows behind.  

He curses his decision to forego a jacket when the cold wind punches him as soon as he leaves the building. He starts speed walking back to their dorm when he hears footsteps behind him. Being big in Korea comes with no shortage of stalkers and not all are in love with him or willing to behave according to society’s norms, so he turns around to make sure he is safe.  It turns out the step sound was amplified by his paranoia, as the two figures are ten meters away from him. One of them recognizes him and shouts his name. He curses. Of course, it had to be Namjoon and Yoongi. Namjoon jogs up to him while Yoongi rolls his eyes and continues to walk in his usual leisurely pace.  

“What are you doing out so late?” Namjoon asks when he catches up to him. Not like he has any room to ask Jimin thinks.  

“Got caught up in my dancing.” He says honestly, nevertheless.  

“Jimin...” Namjoon begins but stops guiltily. Usually, Namjoon is the one who comes to bring him home or sends someone else to make sure he’s not overworking himself, however he’s been preoccupied the last few times. The strong gust of wind hits Jimin and he shivers. Namjoon looks at him, then at his coat and starts unbuttoning him. Jimin blushes and intends to refuse him when Yoongi butts in. 

“With our luck Namjoon’s the one who will end up with a nasty cold and ruin our album’s promotions,” he says and Namjoon let’s out a self-deprecating laugh. Jimin’s hackles rise at the flippant way Yoongi treats says that. Sure Namjoon might not have the best luck out of them but it does not mean that Yoongi has any right to make him feel as if it is his fault. He opens up his mouth to say just that when Namjoon asks: 

“What do you suggest then, Yongless?” And all seems forgotten. Jimin is once again reminded that he and Namjoon do not have an easy bond filled with playful insults and inside jokes that are so natural to YoongiandNamjoon . Yoongi takes off his jacket and drapes it over Jimin’s shoulders.  

“I don’t need it. Hyung.” Jimin says and puts it back into Yoongi’s hands. The wind gets stronger as if fuelled by his words and Jimin bites on his tongue to stop his teeth from chattering. 

“Don’t be silly, Jimin-ah. I know that lately you dislike me for some reason...” Yoongi says his tone betraying slight hurt and Jimin instantly feels guilty about causing pain to his hyung “but there is no reason for you to freeze like a stubborn child.” And that is what he is in Namjoon’s and Yoongi’s eyes. A kid.  

“Sorry, hyung,” he says defeated and takes the jacket. 

“Seriously, Jimin-ah. Don't worry us like that,” says Namjoon and leans down to zip up the jacket. Only his touch seems too fatherly to Jimin after being called a child and he pushes the big hand away and quickly zips it himself ignoring Namjoon’s confused face. He marches up ahead ignoring Yoongi’s cinnamon and mint scent sticking to the collar of the offending piece of clothing. The sooner they get home the sooner he can get rid of it. Namjoon catches up with him and tries to alleviate the tension: 

“How did you notice the time anyways? You usually get too lost in you dancing?” he asks with a soft smile. And damn those pearly whites. Jimin is starting to deflate.  

“Hobi hyung came in for a short session himself” he sure as hell hopes it’s short. Namjoon gets a worried wrinkle between his eyebrows and Jimin curls his fingers to stop the temptation to raise his hand and smooth it out. They both realize Yoongi has stopped walking and is standing a few steps behind them.  

“Hoseok came into the dance studio?” Yoongi asks slowly staring intently at Jimin’s face.  

“He did. Hyung, what...,” Jimin begins but Yoongi has turned to Namjoon and they’re doing that thing where they are communicating with their eyebrows. Namjoon sighs and Yoongi turns around and starts walking back. Jimin stares on confused. 

“Don’t mind him, Jimin-ah. Let’s get back before we freeze, yeah?” Namjoon says and Jimin nods.  

The walk is torture. The paved path is narrow but Namjoon cluelessly walks beside Jimin, their hands brushing against each other occasionally making Jimin blush each time. Namjoon remains unaffected as he strolls in his big steps making Jimin walk in a brisk pace to keep up. He dreams of Namjoon grabbing his hand and lacing their fingers together. Nothing like that happens, of course. Jimin is more and more disappointed by every ‘almost’ and thus, doesn't try to engage Namjoon in conversation. Namjoon notices something is amiss and keeps throwing furtive glances at him but says nothing. Once they arrive back at the dorm Namjoon opens the door for him and gestures for him to go first, the smile he sends back at Namjoon is only half forced. After all, it’s not Namjoon’s fault Jimin is mad. Namjoon is still kind and friendly while Jimin read too much into his niceness and convinced himself they could become something. So, he shall suffer alone not bothering his hyung.  

He throws Yoongi’s jacket on a chair and collapses into the bed. He’ll be better tomorrow. Maybe he’ll even apologize to his hyungs. The sleep doesn’t come easily to him despite the late hour, and he finds himself watching Namjoon’s latest live. Namjoon laughs at fans comments and chats about his latest inspirations, dimples on full display and Jimin smiles pressing his finger to the cheek of the small Namjoon on the screen. He’s ten minutes in when Yoongi appears on the screen and waves to the fans. They banter a little and he leaves. Jimin checks the comments and feels bitter again after reading fans gushing how cute Suga and RM are together and the speculations about their relationship. He shuts off the phone and falls asleep by the pure power of will.  

He’s not better tomorrow. He dreams of Namjoon and Yoongi getting married and wakes up late. By the time he makes it to the table the only available space is to Yoongi’s left. He slips into the chair hoping for a silent breakfast.  

“Someone sure got his beauty sleep,” says Jin “Trying to take my spot?” he adds laughing and looking at Jimin. Jimin shakes his head and turns from the worried hyung to his ball of rice and digs in missing the look Taehyung and Jin share over his head. Jeongguk was never the one for tact and demonstrates it very quickly.  

“As if Jimin could compare with me or hyung. He’s far too short for that,” he says expecting to rile him up. 

“Jimin hyung," Taehyung and Jin correct him. 

Jimin continues eating his rice in silence. Now everyone is gaping at him. Strangely Yoongi is the one to break the silence. 

“You’re not gonna say anything back, Jimin?” He asks and Jimin looks at his face and notices he has a black eye, he kinda wishes he was the one who put it here. 

“How about I mind my business and you mind yours, hyung? You know like adults,” he says pointedly looking at the black eye. If there is one thing Yoongi knows it’s when to back off from a fight and he raises his hands in defense before going back to his food. 

Jeongguk is not a quitter by any means, and he shows so by opening his mouth once again despite Taehyung frantically shaking his head and trying to put a hand over his teeth. 

“Aw is our shortie moody because Yoongi-hyung is too busy for him these days?” Jeongguk asks and Jimin feel Hoseok's and Namjoon’s eyes on him. Kook’s dart hits the centre of the target, only it’s on the different board. And he almost laughs but there is also a sting of tears that will fall as soon as he’s alone. He stands up and smiles sweetly at Jeongguk.  

“Sorry, Tae,” Jimin says before marching up to the maknae and slapping him with all his might. Jeongguk would have fallen of the chair if Taehyung  didn’t catch him. 

“Jeongguk, please be more considerate with your words in the future,” he says to the shocked boy. He takes his bowl and leans over Namjoon’s shoulder to grab some salad. Namjoon looks at him shocked but not disappointed or mad, and Yoongi stifles his grin, while Hoseok looks calculating and Seokjin and Taehyung fuss over Jeongguk.  

“If you’ll excuse me,” Jimin says and walks to his room. As soon as the door of his room closes, he slides down to the floor and sighs. He doesn’t know what came over him. He was too harsh on Jeongguk. The kid has been trying to help in the only way he knows, and he almost gave the poor bastard a black eye to match Yoongi's. He chews on his rice quickly. They’ll have to make up quickly. There’s no place for fights in idol world and they are family. His eye catches on Yoongi’s jacket. No point in delaying the inevitable. When he comes back into the kitchen Taehyung and Jeongguk are so caught up in some weird variation of newlywed game where Taehyung tries to feed Kook while he giggles and tries to evade him, that they don’t even notice him. His hyungs are more perceptive and look up as he walks in. 

“Here, thank you, hyung,” he says placing the jacket on Yoongi’s lap, then turns to Namjoon: 

“What are you doing later, hyung? I was thinking it has been some time since my last live?” 

“Well, Yoongi-” 

“Needs you in the studio?” Namjoon nods.  

“No problem, hyung. I hope to see you in the next one,” Jimin says teasingly but thinks that his tone might have come out too watery. Namjoon reaches for his hand but he evades him and goes to Jeongguk and bows at full ninety-degree angle. 

“Hyung’s so sorry for hurting you. And I hope Jeongguk will find it in his heart to forgive him, as unworthy as he is,” he says surprisingly formally and thinks whether he should have gone on his knees instead. Jeongguk and Taehyung start laughing, and he raises his head.  

“I’m the one’s who’s sorry, hyung. I was way out of line,” Jeongguk says just as formally but sincerely. Before leaving the room Jimin looks at four friendly faces and Namjoon’s conflicted one and... Hoseok is glaring at him. Or maybe he’s just remembering something unpleasant and staring into space. Jimin makes one step to the left and the glare follows him. Not accidental then. Regular Jimin would have a heart to heart and fix the problem. This Jimin is trying not to let his emotions get the best of him lest he’d have a repeat of the previous situation or something more embarrassing like crying about his crush on Namjoon. He has no energy to try and understand whether the resident sunshine is mad about him slapping the maknae or has decided to join Namjoon’s FanclubTM like half of their group. 

He starts the live in his room and laughs at army’s witty comments and while chatting about their last music show. There’s a lot of hearts that make him smile, and a bunch of foreign comments that ask him to say something in English. 

“No English. Sorry,” he says and watches the fans start bickering amongst themselves. Foreign comments mean that their reach has finally expended to secure a loyal foreign fanbase. Maybe he should put in more time to study English with Namjoon or Joengguk. There are as always, a bunch of people demanding to see other members, especially Suga. He is aware that some armys ship him with Suga. For the most part they are having harmless fun writing stories about them and drawing cute fanart. Today is not one of those days. He’s only fifteen minutes in when he notices that there are two war camps in his comments, those who ship Suga with RM and those who believe in Jimin\Suga. He should have predicted it from the comment on Namjoon’s live and now the show is slowly going off the rails. He still smiles and interacts with the neutral comments but then one comment jumps out at him and he pauses to read it. The army who wrote it is clearly against Jimin\Yoongi pairing.  

“Jimin is so lacking compared to Yoongi. I get that that they both have mental health problems but Yoongi handles his by reinventing himself to the version he wants to be, while Jimin breaks more and more with criticism he receives and naively tries to please all. I don’t like the image Jimin gives to idols. Aka, he makes them look like a cheap sell-out's that are undeserving of the name – artists. It especially cheapens their sexy concepts. I for one don’t like to see my idols act as desperate whores. And for this reason, I find some of y’all’s insistence in shipping them together ridiculous. Neither Yoongi nor Namjoon would settle for someone weaker than themselves nor are they people pleasers and thus, they fit well together.”  

In all senses of the word, it’s a hate comment and he has been called worse by boys in his school that couldn’t understand his passion for dancing in general and even more so dor less masculine dances. But he just can’t brush it off, because it sounds as if it was written by his inner voice. He hates himself for being a people pleaser, for being so easily affected by others. But isn’t it natural to want for other to be happy with your choices. Even more so as an idol? As an idol isn’t, he, a golden standard that his fans will follow, shouldn’t he be palatable to their parents and older relatives that are the ones that buy the tickets for the kids? Shouldn’t he look like he deserves every cent spent on him? He’s very fortunate to be well liked and rich so shouldn’t he look grateful, happy and put together and share happiness with others? Because to him it looks like it’s his duty.  

A few other comments are talking about his weight. Some ask that he went on a diet, others complain that he’s too skinny. He starts spiraling while thinking about his weight, maybe he’ll go on another cleanse. 

He shuts off the live with a cheery wave before anyone notices he’s losing control of his tears again. He hugs a pink plushie – Namjoon's gift to his chest and thinks why the comment affected him the way it does. One of the books he read, says that it’s important to realise why you are having a certain emotion before getting rid of it. It was of course a gift from Namjoon too, when he was going through his reading self-help books phase. The considerate leader gave them all at least one, but Jimin doubts anyone apart him has read it. Well maybe Jin-hyung did. Jimin read it because he treasures everything Namjoon gives him no matter how small or big it is. He still has two smooth rocks that Namjoon has picked once on his walk to see the crabs and old movie tickets they all went to and a receipt of coffee Namjoon once bought him. Now that he looks around, he notices that he managed to create a shrine for Namjoon without trying. Anyways, some time ago he hoped that the book either will bring him closer to Namjoon or give him an idea on how to get rid of his feelings. Neither has happened and now he uses the book as pseudo-therapist because he knows the company would rather end his contract than find him one.  

The comment plays on the loop in his head as he slowly removes his make-up. Maybe he’s upset because he places too high of a value in his body’s performance in showing what he is and getting him what he wants. In this case he’s failed by his body. Namjoon shows no interest in his curves nor abs and all the effort he put in seems pointless. He feels as the women in the last of black and white movies that smoke and sleep around trying to fill the void inside, left by unrequited feelings. Although he could never betray his feelings to Namjoon by sleeping with someone else even if they aren’t anything- the feeling is too sincere and pure- the way he flaunts his body on stage for others to see because Namjoon won’t look makes him relate to those women. He giggles a little wetly when he thinks that he is not that far from a cam boy.  

Maybe Namjoon in spite of his covers of Troye Sivan songs and his verbal frequent outbursts on gender and sexual identity isn’t even attracted to men. Jimin entertains that thought for a whole of two minutes. Yeah, no. If Namjoon is straight Jimin might as well be a flying unicorn. A Pegasus? Jimin’s gaydar can’t be that broken, though anything can happen by living in close proximity with so many queers. The thoughts are getting him nowhere, so he dresses into comfortable sport wear and gets to the door. Jin peaks his head out of his room when Jimin is searching for his shoes. 

“Heading out?” 

“Yeah, I think I’ll go to the gym,“  Jimin says lacing his shoes. 

“For long?“ Jin asks and Jimin doesn’t have to look up to know that his hands are on his hips. 

“I don’t know,” he replies honestly. 

“You know you can talk to me about anything? I won’t make fun of you “ Jin says softly and how did Jimin manage to surround himself with a bunch of worriers he doesn‘t know. 

“I will, hyung. When I’m ready,” Jimin says and opens the door. 

“Even if it's about Joonie,” Jin clarifies and Jimin shushes him looking around.  He’s followed out the door by Jin’s laughter. 

The gym is almost empty, and he puts on his earbuds before going to weights. An hour later he’s running on the treadmill when somebody taps him on the shoulder. He ignores it and continues running but it happens again. He turns it off and turns around ready to curse out the stranger that has interrupted him but it’s no stranger. Hoseok stand in front of him beaming. Well, he should say Hoseok 2.0 or other Hoseok. 

“Hello bigger, Hoseok,” he says as a greeting and realizes the innuendo when the other man breaks out into giggles.  

“Oh, come on, I didn’t mean to” he says embarrassed.  

“It’s even better that you didn’t, Jimin-ah. I’d rather you just called me by my stage name, all of my friends do.” 

“Okay, Wonho hyung,” Jimin says and the man beams at him again. And Jimin thinks that the record set by the sunshine of BTS might be broken soon if this continues.  

“Thanks, Jimin-ah,” Wonho says and Jimin rushes to interrupt him before he says something cheesy like that his first name is reserved for people, he dates.  

“I assume you didn’t come over here just to say hi?” Jimin asks and Wonho nods enthusiastically. 

“I was wondering if you would spot me?” And Jimin agrees even though he’s not sure he’s the safest bet considering that the size of Wonho’s hands is similar to Jimin’s legs.  His worries turn out to be baseless because the weights Wonho choses are the same ones that Jimin usually lifts. Noticing his curious glance Wonho explains that he doesn’t want to overdo it after the morning workout he had at home., “you know?” Jimin doesn’t know but nods anyway. It doesn’t take long, either because Wonho had a serious workout before or because Jimin keeps spacing out. Wonho invites him for tea although it’s all very much for Jimin’s benefit. Wonho sips on some concoction that looks too healthy even by idol standards and Jimin drinks sweet tea. Jimin must have had some subconscious need to share his situation with an uninvolved party because as he starts talking it all gushes out of him. Wonho is a great listener, he nods along and encourages Jimin every time he gets too overwhelmed to speak.  

“You really aren’t bothered that I’m gay?” Jimin asks and Wonho laughs throwing his head back. 

“Jimin, sweety, I have hooked up with almost fifth of both male and female idol population, I wouldn’t judge you,” he says and Jimin laughs too because yeah, he as being silly.  

“What I think you need to do now is to get some space away from him. To breathe and the answer will come to you naturally,” Wonho says. 

“And what if he gets together with Yoongi hyung in that time?” Jimin asks. 

“Then he was never yours. Besides you’re half convinced they are already fucking,” Wonho shrugs. 

“In how many cases has this worked, Hyung?” Jimin asks still sceptic. Wonho pauses to count. 

“In four out of five I’ve seen,” he says. 

“And what happened in the fifth case?” Jimin asks curiously. Wonho winces. 

“Two other groupmates have gotten together while he was away,”  Wonho pauses “but after some experimentation he has found himself and realized that he is more attracted to vocalists than rappers, so you could say it has worked out in the end”. 

“Are the rappers and singers some kind of metaphor here?” Jimin asks half seriously and Wonho punches him on the shoulder. 

“Jimin-ah you have a wild side to you,” Wonho says and Jimin smiles but grows serious quickly once again. 

“Hyung, that man... It was you, wasn’t it?” he asks. 

“You are too perceptive for your own good,” Wonho says. Jimin’s eyes water and Wonho grabs napkins from the middle of their table. 

“Don’t cry Jimin-ah, I’m sure it will work out for you,” Wonho reassures him. 

“Stupid, hyung, I’m crying for you,” Jimin says and Wonho’s lip trembles a little. 

“You have a big heart, Jimin-ah, nobody has cried for me before,” Wonho says and pushes a napkin into Jimin’s hand.  

“Well maybe someone should,” Jimin says pressing the napkin to his eyelashes. Wonho sits up straigter.  

“You really don’t need to worry though, I have found happiness again,” Wonho says and leans closer and whispers “I’ll even let you on a secret. I fell in love again. I don’t know whether it’s unrequited yet but it makes me happy.” And there is nothing more that Jimin loves more than secrets, he leans closer and whisper asks “who?” 

“Wouldn’t you like to know,” Wonho says but Jimin’s sixth sense is telling him that he’s the first Wonho told about this. Wonho is nothing if not romantic and Jimin would bet his right arm that Wonho is dying to gush about his crush, thus he gives an unimpressed stare and watches him squirm. 

“He’s really cute,” Wonho says dreamily. 

“Is he an idol?” Jimin asks. 

“Maybe,” says Wonho and blushes. 

“Do I know him?” Jimin asks and Wonho avoids his eyes.  

“Is he taller than you? Older than you?” Jimin asks and mentally lets out a sigh of relief when Wonho nods at both questions. None of Jimin’s emotionally unavailable friends then. He doesn’t press for more because it doesn’t look like Wonho is ready to share the identity of his mystery crush. 

“You should really consider my suggestion.” Wonho says “From what I’ve heard you are going through a hard and confusing time, not only due to your romantic feelings. I don’t think you’d go to a therapist if I suggested it, so the only other thing is putting distance between you and all the things that cause you turmoil, even the things you love. If you have nowhere to go, I have a property near the forest and a small lake, it stands empty for most of the year, and no one really recognizes me there so I can’t imagine you’d have any problems either.” 

“You know what, I’ll take you up on that. I’ll call you once I’ve sorted it with my company,“ Jimin says and stands up while Wonho beams at him once again.  

“Great. Would you mind waiting here while I get something?” he asks and runs out of the tea shops as soon as Jimin nods. He returns five minutes later and holding a small boquet of forget-me-nots and thrusts them into Jimin’s hands. Jimin starts to protest but he silences him by saying: 

“It’s just a small token of gratitude to BTS sunbaenims for letting me borrow their Jimin-sshi for the afternoon. “ 

Jimin laughs but Wonho demands he takes them and puts them into a vase in the kitchen for all to see. Jimin agrees and they part ways.  

When Jimin bursts into the kitchen Seokjin is in the middle of cooking for seven loud mouths again. He smiles when he spots the flowers and immediately puts them into his good vase.  

“You’re back for good?” Jin asks. 

“Going to run by pd-nim's office in a second,” Jimin says and noticing Jin’s wide eyes adds “to ask for some time off.” 

“He has no chance to refuse you?” Jin asks eyeing Jimin’s mischievous expression. 

“Absolutely none,” Jimin says and Jin says he’s raised Jimin well.  

That he did. 

The secretary stares at him starstruck as he limps into the tenth floor and demands to see his boss. She stutters something about visits needing to be announced in advanced but does not dare to argue with him when he pushes past her.  

He exaggerates his limp as he walks into the office to a degree that disperses any grounds of deniability of his injury.  

“I’m taking the next week off,” Jimin says. Bang PD puts down the papers in his hands and gives his full undivided attention to Jimin.  

“On what grounds?” he asks. 

“Ankle injury.” 

“Comeback is in two weeks.” 

“I’m only asking for one and I already know all of the dances” 

“BTS might suffer,” the PD throws out as if it was a triumph card. 

“BTS is already suffering. I punched Jeongguk in the face this morning,” Jimin says. Bang PD looks at him stunned beyond words. 

“Exactly. I’m easily irritable because I’m in pain and can’t dance. And I can’t dance because I’m in pain. I’m losing my mind by not doing anything. I haven’t taken any time off in the last four years. Let’s treat it like a mini mental health vacation.” 

“Fine,” the PD says and Jimin fails to control his expression, because there is no way it’s that easy. 

“Fine you can go and rest. We are not risking you injuring yourself further. We’ll have your leg examined by a doctor and you’ll be free to leave tommorow. I’ll even lend you one of the company’s cars to drive you wherever you want,” Bang PD says pushing up his glasses.  

“I-Thank you,” Jimin says. 

“Does BTS now?” 

“They wouldn’t let mego if they knew,” Jimin says and the PD nods. 

“Go pack your things. I’ll handle it,” PD says and Jimin can almost hear angels singing Hallelujah. He makes sure to keep up his limp until he leaves the building and then merrily jogs to his dorm. He makes it just in time to set the table for Jin-Hyung. All of the members seem to have ended their day earlier and the meal is full of chatter and jokes.  

“Jimin, we could watch a movie tommorow,” Namjoon says and well shit. His sweet and beautiful Namjoon is finally free for him and Jimin is going on a retreat to cleanse his soul in seclusion. Just his luck. Instead of saying anything he pokes Namjoon’s dimple because he’s feeling fearless. Namjoon smiles wider and starts speaking to Jeongguk who is already deciding what movie they should watch. Namjoon catches Jimin‘s gaze and shakes his head fondly at Jeongguk as if it was their inside joke. And Jimin tells himself it’s enough to be just friends with Namjoon. They are just not meant to be. Namjoon didn’t intend the invitation as a date. It was nothing but an invitation to hang out. He’s fine with it.