excess thoughts

• I am 17 (aka the age of YA novel protagonists).

• I do theatre things

• I do art things

• I just do things

• I'm funny sometimes (I think)

I will post whatever I feel like on here - it's a place for the extra thoughts my brain doesn't have space for (which is a lot of thoughts, i’m just a girl)

prepare for semi-coherent sentences immediately followed by a gut-wrenching poem. you have been warned

i consistently post at 12am which is about the only consistent thing about me

i am a less than impressive teenager. acceptable scores in classes, long-dead creativity, drained passion. all the things i thought i’d see in myself for years. i feel behind. i am not, not really, i am solidly in the middle. but for a girl who was always told she would make waves, i can barely seem to cause a ripple.

i defined myself as smart. high achieving. remarkable.

now that i am none of those things, what am i?

selfish.

it's one of her favorite descriptors for me.

and every time, I wonder how she could look at me and not see that I would put anything above myself.

I would hold a mountain over my head, knowing it could drop and crush me at any moment, if it meant that someone else could be free of the burden.

I would take Atlas's place, supporting the sky, just to let him rest. and he would leave me there, freed of his punishment, laughing as he stood without restraint.

I would sacrifice my humanity, my freedom, even my life.

my value is inextricably linked to how much of myself I can lose, so others can gain.

each piece of myself is worthless until it is in another's hands.

And I was thrilled about it.

A year ago I would never have gotten multiple invitations. I would have immediately accepted the invite from the old friend, despite not liking the rest of the group as much, because I wouldn't have other options.

Not that the old friend is a second choice. I love her very much, and she has always been there for me, and vice versa. She just happened to invite me after I had accepted another invitation.

I haven't abandoned her or anything, I'm trying to plan something with her soon, because I haven't seen her in a while.

But I have an inexplicable excitement at being able to turn down the invitation.

That's a lie.

It's not inexplicable.

I know it's not fair to the old friend, but I'm honestly so happy I am no longer able to do anything she suggests at any time. I am no longer the person she knows is always available. I am no longer the person that never has anything else going on.

Not that she uses me as a backup friend. I'd just fallen into that role of my own accord. It was fine for a while. But I'd gotten tired of it.

Not because I don't like her.

Not because I like her less than other friends.

But because I have other friends.

It's no longer "go with her, or do nothing at all".

It's "go with her, or go with someone else".

I have options. And it doesn't mean I'll always choose the one without the old friend just because it's offered.

It just means I can choose.

And for a girl who used to be able to count my friends with half a hand, that means a lot.

i am a night person, and yet as soon as the sun slips away, everything that was cowering from its light creeps back out. without the threat of good old uv rays frying them to a crisp, all the slithery, shadowy, clawed things return. i don’t mean snakes. snakes are cool. also they don’t have claws. i mean the things that don’t quite have names, the borderline supernatural and definitely dangerous.

some people call them emotions.

and they always come out at night.

they whisper in, so quietly i don’t notice them at first. then, they hunt, and i am their prize. sometimes, they are solitary, but more often, they travel in deadly packs. they are made of inky darkness, formless and ruthless. i have no defense, in the night. i am alone, and there is nothing to keep them at bay.

and they are hungry.

they are so very hungry.

they have waited all day to burrow into my flesh, nesting into dark corners of my mind and feasting on every thought, every experience, every doubt.

and after they nest, and after they feast, they multiply, until they spread beyond the dark corners and taint every vein in my body. they spread through my bloodstream, consuming me slowly. they spread until all the glowing confidence of the daylight has been shredded, then dissolved, then destroyed completely. and there is no sun to chase them away.

and they hiss questions at me—through me. they spit uncertainties and fears into my bones and scream insults and taunts into my muscles. i can no longer tell where i end and where they begin. maybe we are one, now. maybe they will never leave me. i am their host, they are a virus, and they will use me, draining my energy and feeding it to their own so they can grow and grow, ripping apart every nerve and tendon to get stronger and stronger.

they are virulent, and i am entirely vulnerable.

as they devour me, only my mind is intact, and i can feel them there, too. my consciousness is suffocating beneath their infinite choking tentacles. there is no escape, once they have found me. and they always find me. they are drawn to me, even as i pull away, wishing, hoping that maybe they won’t find me tonight.

eventually, i will collapse into a tortured sleep, as they settle comfortably into my skin. they haunt my dreams, dark tendrils skirting around the edges, venom seeping into the mirage of my dreamscape, bleaching the beauty and bleeding out the safety.

when i wake, they are gone.

the sun has shattered their strength, and my active hours are tarnished only by the pieces of memory and the shards of expectation.

and it is like nothing happened at all.

maybe nothing did.

the sun smiles brightly down, to some extent. in fact, there are many clouds, so it is not as bright as it could be. but that is a minor detail. i am laughing with my friends, enjoying myself. no negativity in the slightest. the only feeling i know is a smile.

why in the world would i have any negativity?