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Hi Anti-BDSM Anon - can I call you ABA? I’m gonna call you ABA - I’m glad you’ve started exploring creative writing! I think it will be a really healthy outlet for your wild imagination!

That said, as the fandom’s resident BDSM mom I do want to give you some pointers regarding your story. Obviously it’s your world, do in it what you want, but it does seem to be lacking in some basic research. You see you start off with the sentence “I was in a relationship like yours for ten years.” which is a strong opening, it establishes a connection between us. But your following statements show me that that first sentence is a lie. Because the relationship you describe is abuse and the relationship I am in is a consensual BDSM relationship.

I have a feeling you struggle with defining a couple words in that phrase: consensual and BDSM.

Now consensual is derived from the Latin word “consentire” which means agree. Consensual means that both people are agreeing to partake in the activity. Consent is actually a really big part of the next word you struggle with:

BDSM. The main thing that separates BDSM from abuse is consent! Specifically informed consent! That means that I - and my husband - know what we are signing up for and we both agree to the terms! But! I’m gonna let you in on a little secret I’m guessing you haven’t figured out yet; the terms and agreement can change at any given time. And whenever the terms change the agreement can change. And the agreement can be removed at any point in time.

You see. If the situation you described was BDSM and not abuse, if a punishment is given that the submissive didn’t like they could say “yeah not for me” and there would be a conversation about why, and what would be more fitting. There’s actually a surprising amount of conversing that goes on in BDSM - super helpful for people like me who can never shut up.

I definitely think you should keep up the creative writing, with just a bit more research you could be crafting beautiful stories soon 🥰 I do worry that you might not know how to identify good sources but tumblr isn’t letting me link them so I will just give you a quick rundown on how to identify quality sources (it’ll be better in the long run, teaching a man to fish and all that). So obviously the big thing you want to do is identify author’s bias. For example, if you are someone who walks the line of anti-sex radfem thinking a lot of those sources will say BDSM and abuse are one and the same, but that’s coming from an anti-sex bias. Similarly I’ve found that there are a certain type of cishet “dominant men” who definitely would do the things you talk about in your story and defend it as BDSM, but that’s also a biased opinion.

To identify bias always ask yourself:

Who is telling the story? What are their credentials?

Who benefits from the story being told this way? Who is made the good guy? Who is made the bad guy?

How does the story make you feel? Does it illicit an extreme response? While extreme emotional responses are not always a bad thing, some stories are framed in a way to make you feel a certain way, because the author wants you to draw the same conclusions as them

Ultimately what is the story trying to tell you. Does it want you to agree with it? Does it want you to disagree with it? Or is it presented in a neutral - and therefore factual - manner?

Hi Anti-BDSM Anon - can I call you ABA? I’m gonna call you ABA - I’m glad you’ve started exploring creative writing! I think it will be a really healthy outlet for your wild imagination!

That said, as the fandom’s resident BDSM mom I do want to give you some pointers regarding your story. Obviously it’s your world, do in it what you want, but it does seem to be lacking in some basic research. You see you start off with the sentence “I was in a relationship like yours for ten years.” which is a strong opening, it establishes a connection between us. But your following statements show me that that first sentence is a lie. Because the relationship you describe is abuse and the relationship I am in is a consensual BDSM relationship.

I have a feeling you struggle with defining a couple words in that phrase: consensual and BDSM.

Now consensual is derived from the Latin word “consentire” which means agree. Consensual means that both people are agreeing to partake in the activity. Consent is actually a really big part of the next word you struggle with:

BDSM. The main thing that separates BDSM from abuse is consent! Specifically informed consent! That means that I - and my husband - know what we are signing up for and we both agree to the terms! But! I’m gonna let you in on a little secret I’m guessing you haven’t figured out yet; the terms and agreement can change at any given time. And whenever the terms change the agreement can change. And the agreement can be removed at any point in time.

You see. If the situation you described was BDSM and not abuse, if a punishment is given that the submissive didn’t like they could say “yeah not for me” and there would be a conversation about why, and what would be more fitting. There’s actually a surprising amount of conversing that goes on in BDSM - super helpful for people like me who can never shut up.

I definitely think you should keep up the creative writing, with just a bit more research you could be crafting beautiful stories soon 🥰 I do worry that you might not know how to identify good sources but tumblr isn’t letting me link them so I will just give you a quick rundown on how to identify quality sources (it’ll be better in the long run, teaching a man to fish and all that). So obviously the big thing you want to do is identify author’s bias. For example, if you are someone who walks the line of anti-sex radfem thinking a lot of those sources will say BDSM and abuse are one and the same, but that’s coming from an anti-sex bias. Similarly I’ve found that there are a certain type of cishet “dominant men” who definitely would do the things you talk about in your story and defend it as BDSM, but that’s also a biased opinion.

To identify bias always ask yourself:

Who is telling the story? What are their credentials?

Who benefits from the story being told this way? Who is made the good guy? Who is made the bad guy?

How does the story make you feel? Does it illicit an extreme response? While extreme emotional responses are not always a bad thing, some stories are framed in a way to make you feel a certain way, because the author wants you to draw the same conclusions as them

Ultimately what is the story trying to tell you. Does it want you to agree with it? Does it want you to disagree with it? Or is it presented in a neutral - and therefore factual - manner?

(this turned out longer than i anticipated so there's gonna be a cut)