Long one. I think I’m going to switch up the style of my posts on here. I’ll still do edits for sure, but posting between them with more varied stuff. I’d like to let this be more of a space where I can post more stream of thought type stuff and include some of my non cardiophile self too.
Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about what human connection is to me and what other people mean to me. I’d had some heavy personal experiences in recent years that left me very badly hurt and feeling very fearful about the act of actually following through on opening up to any other person or truly trusting that others care. This feeling still sticks with me today unfortunately. It’s something I have to work through in every social interaction now, that I didn’t have to work through before certain personal events in my life. After time to heal and time to reflect, I’m slowly starting to regain a sense of my self worth and remember that the value in each of us is innate as humans. You reading this, are worthy of loving yourself. I am worthy of loving myself. You are worthy of the heart beating in your chest, the air in your lungs, the sun on your skin, the wind through your hair, the agency to make your own choice, the ability to look yourself in the mirror and say I love you to the person you see and mean it. Truly mean it. You are worthy of that experience. I am worthy of that too. I am worthy of my own love and my value comes from within me. I am worthy of my own love and my value comes from within me, not from what I believe others perceive me to be. This is so hard for me to accept this concept as a reality but I can feel my soul opening up in a slow and new way over the last few weeks that just feels so refreshingly human, a flower growing through the concrete if you will. Up until very recently, the last few years have had me the most stressed in my life and I’ve built up a real tendency to dissociate and find all kinds of nasty little coping mechanisms. Lately though I’ve been having some really positive experiences with people. I got a new job and have explored some new hobbies that get me out of the house. In recent months I’ve gotten to notice/feel my reflexive emotions in conversation become much less anxious. My best days are better, and my worst days are better. Not every day is a good day, this week kind of sucked. Work was overwhelming, I didn’t really keep up with laundry that well, I fell back on some old coping strategies that I’ve worked pretty hard to successfully decrease. I didn’t end up connecting with my friends on a call like I’d planned. Lunch was mediocre today. But maybe I can stop there and ask myself, what else was lunch today? Lunch was free, that’s what it was. I have the blessing of now working in a small store at a job I enjoy with people I do feel like I can trust and my boss was sweet enough to buy me a turkey BLT from the pizza place in my hometown. The pizza place that’s been in a consistent noticeable decline ever since the last owners moved to the Midwest years ago. The pizza place that I still eat at because no the food isn’t as good as it used to be but it’s a gem from my childhood and there aren’t many of those left as I transition into my working life. I thought about it. I thought about my pretty little dumb privileged butt and I thought about my disappointing sandwich, and I feel grateful to have it. And I ate it and I loved it and I am so happy that was my lunch today. No, it was not the best sandwich I’ve ever had, but that’s not what it was about for me. It was about me practicing not freaking out about calories again, or somehow feeling like a burden for accepting an offer, or not nervously wondering if it’s a quid pro quo thing and the cost of the sandwich will be held over my head when it’s convenient for the other person. It was just about feeding myself properly, keeping myself alive. And it did the job perfectly! I ate that shitty turkey BLT wrap and felt a feeling of safety I hadn’t felt in so long I deadass almost started to cry on my lunch break.
Anyway I just wanted to come on here and be candid for a sec. That’s it for this post I’m sleeping now, I hope you all have a lovely weekend🫶
