Dual Obsession

I am a little tipsy and a little blind so bare with me...my glasses...are somewhere lmfao did I mention I wear glasses? well I do...anyways.

Its 2020 and I am 27 year old woman now lmfao crazy how time works right ? It feels so weird being this old and still be a weirdo lmfao 

So I was reading my old posts here. Damn do I talk a lot about guys lmfao almost seems to revolve around me. Well to change that I will talk about other things I, myself have accomplished. 

I am a supervisor at work, I work at a hotel, as front desk, I am charge of a staff now ? lmfao its crazy, i hate them all, annoying needy girls...anyways

I also got a new car, which i really like lol it looks weird, and thats why I picked it xD lmfao my mom didn’t like it first but I did, I was like...it looks like a duck lmfao XD

I live on my own lmfao I pay for all my bills by myself. Okay the place isn’t that great. I got shady neighbors but I got my OWN PLACE!!!!

I am eating healthy and making my own lunches like a grown ass adult lmfao sometimes I still surprise myself while making foods for myself XD

(My dumbass is using auto correct lmfao like that’s gonna help XD)

I learned to enjoy sex and be open about it, I look for my own pleasure now. No more of their pleasure first! Fuck that, MAKE ME CUM!!! lmfao

TMI? MAYBE BUT DEAL WITH IT, I AM A GROWN ASS ADULT.

I am learning how to properly do my own makeup lmfao XD I watch youtube tutorials and ask advice from my friends XD

I HAVE THE BEST FRIENDS IN THE WORLD!!! I BET MINE ARE BETTER THAN YOURS!! 

Damn these bitches are ride and die for me dude, like damn I never thought I would find a group of friends like this. But the sucky part is that our schedules sometimes are hard to work with. Its okay though. One of them actually bought me a llama!!!! for valentines day...wait it was a stuffed animal lmfao it waasn’t real one lmfao XD

Am I still single? yes lmfao I keep fucking around though XD 

Its okay I keep meeting this new people and I like that. When its my time it will happen. Just gotta worry about myself and have fun.

THIS YEAR IS GONNA BE AWESOME!! I always been a late bloomer ? is that how you say it? i am not even sure xD 

My sister in law told me on Christmas I got it on, that she is proud of me. lmfao I guess I do, not many people get to live the life I do. I am very lucky to be where I am. I am grateful, but It think its time for me to do what I want.

I am gonna start doing more art and try to sell it. My art is very simple but maybe someone out there will like it. I just need to find the people to help me figure out how to do that lmfao 

So I can only do part time at the hotel, and not have to deal with stupid as people as much anymore. 

If anyone knows how to do that...please help, I want to keep pursing my art. I am not that great but I am decent lmfao 

FUCK Spencer lmfao 

Worst mistake ever *sigh* it was good while it lasted but I only got my heart broken into many many pieces not just once but TWICE!! I’m a moron huh? But I honestly thought that he was the one for me...And I do anything that I can for someone I love or feel is very important in my life. That was my mistake. 

My stupid ass followed him all the way to San Antonio...why? Because I thought it was real...Anyways he is in the past, its almost been 2 months since I last saw  him. 

Right now I am trying to build myself up, he really left me broken and unsure about myself again. I had a bit of confidence and now its down the drain. He was a good guy just the circumstances he had to push me away and it was just really hard on me...

I have tried going on dates and what not but... I think relationships are not for me. They always leave me disappointed. I think I am just going to be that cool aunt who doesn’t travel cuz I am broke as fuck lmfao 

Am I sad? yes most days, but the days I am not sad I feel great and I realize I have great people around. And I realize I am a strong, independent, beautiful woman. But on the days I am sad...well those are hard. I tend to self blame a lot. 

I always judged people who seemed to not be able to survive without a partner. That I wasn’t that way, but I am starting to think I am... I want to find someone to love and care for. To share my life goals with. But instead I keep getting this dudes with problems who need saving, and my dumb ass is there to catch them. But instead of catching them I ended up being crushed with their trash. 

So yeah just like the title says...a lot has happened since last I was here. The boy i was referring on my last post he is long gone, as soon as he came back. And im glad cuz fuck im sure he was emotionally unstable lol.

So quick update! After him I met a guy older than me by 5 years. His name is Sam, a white country boy who was a bad boy lol so you know where I'm going with it lol

Damn he had me head over heels! Lol he was super affectionate and the sex was awesome! Never in my life did I think a dick was pretty lol but with him I did! It was soooo hard-core what i was feeling lol.

First he lived like 2 hours away and no car so my dumbass drove to see him lol the things I would do for a pretty dick lmfao anyways we spent like 5 months knowing each other and at first it was awesome. But little by little i started to feel unwanted and annoying. Cuz i wanted to spend time with him but it would feel like i was forcing him to. It got to the point we werent having sex! Anyways that did not last long cuz he moved further away and the communication just ended. So now I do keep in touch with him but only as friends cuz he is going through some stuff and as a good person i wanna be, I cant let him go through it alone.

So after him I met some guys but damn do I attract crazy ones lmfao one was a pathological liar worse part is that he believed his own lies D: and that only lasted like a week or two so it wasn't bad xD then I met Spencer...

Fuck, Spencer is just the most beautiful soul I ever met. He made me feel cared and loved. And he even remembered my birthday! And he got me flowers without actually asking for them! And best part? He would write me letters...but he is a contractor, he does security contracts with the military. So at the moment he has been in Afghanistan. Most of our "relationship" he has been there, we are going for about 5 months. Last night he found out that his leave in sept got denied. And is not sure when he will come back. I used to be in a long distance relationship for about 6 to 7 years. And one of the reasons i broke up with him was cuz of the distance. Now look at me...im doing it again.

So I think I know how I was such in a emotional state! lol 

I had my period. SEE when I get my period I just get very swollen and puffy but that’s it and life goes on. This time, my mood swings were on a rampage. I was super emotional and everything could literally make me cry!! I was eating like there was no tomorrow and I couldn’t fit in clothes. Suddenly when my period was gone, I looked thinner and my mood was 100% better. I was jumping around laughing and actually happy again. 

Never have I experienced pms, so when it suddenly happen I just naturally thought it was me liking a guy and going through a break up (yeah that had its involvement) but in reality it was my body chemistry fucking me up lol I realized yeah i liked the guy but it wasn’t to the point to feel the way I did. 

So being a woman sucks and I hope to god I never feel like that again lol worst period ever!!!

well update:

The guy messaged me “I miss you Maria” say whaaat! I thought he wanted me away lol well apparently he is afraid of love and feelings. And wants only an affectionate friend, hey that’s exactly what I WANT TOO!

I am not in a position to jump into another relationship, I know I am the relationship kind of girl and that is all I know but honestly I just want someone to cuddle and kiss once in a while and that is it. So we came up with that understanding and he is back in my life for now....

I got the answer I wanted. And I didn’t like it, I guess deep down I had hope that things were gonna get better. 

After messaging him, he basically told me, he felt I was getting attached too quick when we just have met. at first I denied it, but if it wasn’t true then it wouldn’t be affecting me this much. He also told me that he had to stop it cuz there would be too many emotions. And to be careful out there lmfao thanks dude after making me feel dumb and stupid you still worry for my well being. 

I actually liked him.

I think my issue involves that i do too much for people, I love too hard, I care too hard and its my own fault not theirs. I am a very good lucky person and cheerful. When I like someone that amplifies by a 100. Many people can’t take it. Mostly guys I guess. 

Idk what to do with myself anymore. 

I need a hobby or something.

So the boy I met, kept slowly ignoring me since Friday and Saturday and Sunday it was just silence. A lot of thoughts were going through me, like what did I do wrong? I thought everything was going smoothly? So I just kept my emotions to myself and started looking at articles I looked up on google “why did he stop texting me?” Oh god that was the new low for me, asking google what is wrong with my situation. Anyways I ran into an article saying, that usually guys are busy and like himself (the writer) finds texting bothersome after a while because they are busy! And not to react to the situation, just let it go basically. At first, I was like yeah I should not react. But then I started thinking, but how would he know I am not okay with this. That I can understand that he is busy but to ignore me to make me feel bad about myself or the situation, its not okay. Should I just let this behaviour go so I don’t hurt his feelings or bother him. Or just not to sound crazy to him. 

I do not agree to that, I decided to send a long text telling him, its not okay to make me feel this way. I didn’t sound pushy and I didn’t guilt trip him. I just let him know to next time to tell the girl why he is MIA. I am not gonna accept someone to make me feel a way just because. Communication is very important, no matter what, over text or over call. If you don’t like someone don’t think just by ignoring them they will get he hint. Maybe like “Hey I don’t like you stop texting me” works just fine for me and I won’t bother again. And that just works fine for any normal individual. 

Maybe not destined but maybe by choice.

I thought I have met a nice guy, (I know short of time span to start dating but my breakup has been happening for months and months ahead) but it ended up being like every other guy. Honestly we are all adults! if you are not interested in me after the time we have spent and talked together then have the balls to tell me so instead of giving me the cold shoulder and making me feel dumb and stupid. Great hit to the self esteem I have left. 

But then I started thinking, I was ignoring my ex too. So today I decided to have my own set of balls and just for sure end any hope he had to get together. I told him straight up that it wasn’t gonna happen. He needed to move on. 

After that, I decided I need to be alone. I don’t want anyone with me anymore. I need to learn to be by myself. I feel sick to my stomach and a bump on my throat. Haven’t felt like this in a long long time. Just by talking to my friends it feels like a chore. I just don’t want to deal with anyone overall. I come to work cuz I got no choice, I got bills to pay. But if I could I would stay home and just sleep away my life. 

Well technically single...I had a boyfriend of 7 years on and off. I am a confused big girl, confused about our future, that I asked for space. He denied it first then gave it to me. At first I was sad that he agreed for some reason though I was the one who asked for it. Then my friend told me, you are kind of losing a friend at the same time. That is so true! we were friends before we started our relationship. It was a friendship of many years. Anyways, I was coping with all the changes of my life with social media. Who doesn’t at this age and time right. Well my bf (or should I say ex bf) turned into my social media watcher. He accused me of ignoring him and not taking the time to actually keep in touch. Instead I was using my time to Snapchat and Facebook. I felt accused even though I knew he was right. I should of not just ignored him or avoided him but at the time(and I still feel that way) I felt that if I didn’t distance myself a bit I wouldn’t be able to figure out what I want for our relationship or even if I wanted one. Well he pushed me to my breaking point and I broke up with him instead. He wants me back and I can see that he is sad and I am the cause of that pain. 

But going back scares me, so does that mean that I don’t want him or the relationship? But thinking that I may ruin the chances of being loved so strongly by someone will never come by again? I don’t know the answer to that yet, instead I am just going with the flow and enjoying my new found freedom. It is not fair for him so I kept telling him its okay to date or move on because I didn’t want to waste his time anymore than I already have. 

I keep asking myself what in the hell am I doing with myself? Having casual flings while a man is waiting for me (even though I didn’t ask him to) and loves me hard. Do I just want to have fuck buddies and be independent or I actually yearn for affection of a relationship? Did I mention he lives in California and I only see him (if I am lucky) three times a year? I thought I loved him enough to withstand the distance or is the distance even the problem? I mean I have waited for him for 7 years for gods sakes! so the distance is not the problem but something else. 

Again I keep asking myself what in the world am I doing? Going out on these one night stands and only to be felt used. But I keep on doing it. I feel like on my personal life I am spiraling out of control and I do no know how to stop or how to. Its not like I am doing drugs (thank god!) but its just on my emotional being that I am a mess. I keep giving the power to guys to decide how I feel about myself. 

Why am I writing this here? because here I feel less judge and able to brain storm on my feelings. To some extend be able to find a bit of a solution to my thoughts and feelings. This is the only platform where I don’t have anybody watching me and questioning me. And I won’t expect a text “are you okay? whats going on?” I do not want that. I do not want to explain to them something I don’t know how to explain to myself. 

For being just barely 25, I seem to have lived a lot of disappointment. I tend to rely my happiness on other people and hope for the best. So when they don’t pull through I feel so empty. 

Disappointment is such a big feeling. Its almost as if something is eating you inside and there is a gaping hole in you. Nothing seems to fix it and fill it. It almost feels like you will just disappear in the wind, one of these days. 

Don’t break my spirit and don’t break my heart anymore,  please life? 

Fact is that I hate you...because you are such an awesome productive person.

For such a long time I have hated you and loved you at the same time.

Even when we have been apart for so long I still carry those feelings.

I know that if I want to be the person I always wanted to be I need to let go of those feelings.

Because truth is my love for you is a lot more stronger than the hate I had.

Sitting here first thing I noticed is my desk is a freaking mess...could it be some sort of what really is going on in my life...hmmm 

I was busy feeling sorry for myself that I didn’t realize that my bamboo didn’t have any water! one of each bottle were turning yellow...sigh...I hope they get better! 

I thanked my plants, because it made me realized that I need to stop over thinking things and take action. Look around and take care of myself and my surrounding. Sitting doing nothing isn’t going to help either. 

me: literally you dont have to do that

I’m looking at a blank screen, while gismo (cat) is trying to walk on my keyboard and Kami (dog) trying to get my attention by blocking my view. 

I felt inspired by an old friend. But as soon as I try to do anything with that small amount of inspiration...it just goes to waste. It’s like something is wrong with my head. Before it was so much easier to connect my inspiration with my imagination. Now it just seems that it has ran out. I know I have the talent and the patience to improve but not the drive? 

I don’t even know whats wrong with me anymore really. My life is not bad, I have an associates degree, I got a job, I got a car, a roof over my head, friends and family. But somehow I don’t feel satisfied maybe the feeling of being stuck.