Monkfish Dolls and Toys

I don't know if I mentioned i'd injured it. I think I slept in such a way I moved it wrong and tore something. Anyway, it's been hurting for days and now it's also going numb. So it hurts inside, but the skin on the outside is numb. my thumbnail - numb. The side and top of thumb on one side - numb. Probably like 60% of the whole digit is numb.

but also searing pain.

It feels tight when I move it, like the ligaments or whatever are too tight. and it's a searing burning pain that appears to now be unrelated to movement. Previously it was when I moved it a certain way, now it's just constant.

if I touch it, it sears worse.

but yeah.

bit concerned about the numbness because that suggests nerve damage.

wtf? I assume this is a cfs thing but I can't recall having this happen before. I've had "i can't lift my arms/have no strength in my arms to even lift a glass" but i've not have my legs just stop responding.

it's like when I can't form words, the words are there but somewhere along the way there's a block and they can't come out.

I think i'm going to try not to move around more than strictly neccisary today. I have my computer set up, I have music, I don't need to get up. Husband can help me up the stairs if I need to pee.

But damn.

I looked into PIP/DLA earlier but they make it really difficult to even get the form. I can't do it online, I have to write a letter and ask for a form to be mailed to me which is fucking ridiculous.

I went to do that, my brain stopped working and I couldn't.

But I do think I really should claim it because when i'm having an attack I can't feed myself, I struggle to shower and clean myself and I need help getting up the stairs.

On a good day i'm just achy. On a bad day I can't even fucking walk or speak.

But i'll need to wait til I have the energy for the nonsense and have help filling it all in. I think they make it intentionally difficult honestly, out of spite. Every other benefit you can claim online or get the forms from the post office, there's no reason to make disabled people write a fucking letter asking for a form.

My head hurts. I feel stuffed up as if I have a cold. This is typical of my fatigue, but I could do without my legs refusing to work.

and i'm fucking terrified.

the cost of food is going up because of the drought, the kids are getting older and eating more, electricity and water prices are going up and we just don't get enough in to pay for anything.

we may have to start charging eldest "rent" because he does get a student loan, but he's living with us so we're still paying for his water and electricity use and all his food but because he's now an "adult", we don't get any child benefit or anything to pay toward that.

but yeah, in 6 weeks we've eaten through our savings.

the holiday we just did was not expensive, it was our yearly "leave the house so the landlord can do some work on the property" thing. It's not like we just jetted off to disney or something.

and that wouldn't usually wipe out everything. The problem is there's nothing coming IN but the same outgoing costs, costs that are about to increase.

i'm really really worried.

It's the school holidays too which is the most expensive part of the year because everyone's home.

it wasn't too stressful after a brief argument with husband about trains. i made the mistake of suggesting the 5.22 train even though we could take any train at any time. but once a time has been decided it sets in stone for him and then he gets pretty grumpy and short with everyone. ahh autistic black and white thinking. our dinner took longer than expected and we would have been really rushing so he finally conceeded the hour later train meant less stress.

i always book open tickets so we can avoid stress. it never works though, he stresses regardless.

but i did get to mooch around and explore a little more than last year which was nice.

i am exhausted though. this yearly holiday isn't a break for me, its really for the kids so i push myself to have things to do every day. ive pushed all week, ignoring the fatigue, the pain in my limbs, the headaches because making these memories is important to me and if we're spending all this money, damnit I'm making the most of every moment.

i got to rest a little at the inlaws because the kids could explore. but then we did the show and that was exhausting and because we don't drive, we have walked a LOT this whole time.

i will suffer for this.

but its the school holidays and the kids are old enough i don't need to get out of bed to care for them. they can feed and clothe themselves. so i will just sleep...

once we have returned all the kitchen to order and my dolls are back on their shelf. my mother decided to redo the hall floor so moved my stuff and im not overly happy about it. she better not have lost anything.

bees, and vikings and chickens. also tractors and pigeons and goats and cows and sheep.and dogs

so many dogs to pet.

goats were more interested in their hay but i pet them.

i did not get to pet the chickens i wanted to so bad. and the pigeons. there was one really friendly one who kept pushing its head towards me and i wanted tp scritch it soooo bad.

kiddo was grumpy and wouldn't let me stay too long in the bird tent, i was too excited about all the birds.

fil won awards for his honey again so that was cool. he made mead for the first time and came 3rd. dry mead tastes like wine, which i never knew. only mead I've had previously was sweet mead which is really sugary.

exhausted now.

lusted after a massive ride on mower that was £13000. fil also desired it. lol.

kids got to mess around on stationary tractors.

pool was nice enough but im allergic to something they use in pools, i always get asthmatic just being near the pool. this was a salt water pool so its not chlorine, its something else.

middle kiddo also dunked me so i had a headache from water in sinus and was having trouble breathing for a while.

kids had fun, except eldest who pyched himself out of going on the slides and was beating himself up about it. poor kids really does get into his own head a lot.

got an uber back to the air b&b and the driver warned us to avoid the area we.walked through on Monday. he was all "that's where they put the dregs of society" but its just poor, poor areas are rough and dirty and a bit dangerous because they're poor, the people there aren't inherently terrible people or something. i already noticed it was an estate, the humping dogs, burned mattresses and shit everywhere was a good clue. but.i don't think these people are "dregs", that's implying some moral failing rather than simply a shitty situation. some of tḥe kindest people I've met have been estate folk.

this hill we are on, though it has amazing views, is a slum because until the 80s the ground was literally poisoned by the copper works and nothing could grow. where do you build your slums? on toxic ground nobody wants or can use.

im tired though. we did a fair bit today. lost the kids from about an hour to the retro game store lol. i knew they'd enjoy it, but i didn't think they would agonisingly paw through the whole collection. lol. they are such bloody nerds.

patty pal is a terrifying doll. the giant princesses looming were pretty intimidating too.

im trying to take photos this holiday because i often forget. its day 2 and im exhausted.

we climbed a hill day one. explored a beach and found a ruined pump house in the woods day 2.

today the kids want to go swimming at the waterpark.

they are probably old enough i can trust them to leave my line of sight but i always get paranoid around water. so long as they remain in their depth they should be fine, there's life guards and its aimed at families. but its still sttessful for me.

first i need to obtain a swimsuit. i couldn't find mine before we left, i havnt gone swimming in s few years so god know where it is. and i can't wear a t or shorts bra so ill need to buy a top too. bah. there's a stuff shop that hopefully will have what i need. its a pain in the arse though. this is why i don't go swinming, i have to wear things that make me overheat or out me and could endanger me. it fucking sucks.

the things i do for the love of these kids

im going to struggle if i keep up this level of activity, but what else can i do? i don't like saying no when it comes to "lets explore the outdoors" you know? but i don't want them going up that hill again without an adult, there's some iffy people around and there's a lot of large drops and literal cliffs. (see photo) so ill likely be dragged back up there later. youngest wants to see the relay towers.

i so wish husband would take over for a bit but hes grumpy and not being that helpful. hes also not as indulgant of exploration as i am so wouldn't let the kids poke around ruins and stuff.

finally got to go to trans pride. so many people, it was incredible how many people turned up.

and i met the pride mando again. she's awesome.

others will of course love the offerings, but I have never been a huge fan of the movie tie in dolls anyway. They aren't my vibe. I don't give a shit about the Living Dead Doll presents line either for the same reason. I don't feel a need for a doll cosplaying a gender bent version of a character from a horror movie. That's some people's jam, it's not mine.

But I do kinda want those universal girls. The trio are really basic in many ways, they feel like they're lacking something, but that's I think what appeals to me about them. I itch to restyle them, to play with the potential I see.

But i'm not even sure they'll be sold over here.

so i'm thinking I need to set aside time to just do a big destash. Because I have a lot of dolls I only have because "rare" or because "interesting at the time" or whatever.

I think the first lot will be my Bratz girls. I have a LOT of them and I think I need to really strictly curate that collection to only the ones I find particularly special.

So that'll be the first step. The Bratz.

then I will have another look into the "everything else" category. I should destash a lot of rainbow high too but they're not really worth anything right now so that's a lot of work for not much gain. I'll keep the ones I really love and keep the clothing because that was always the main draw for a lot of them, the clothes. I love me some well made doll clothing.

I do have a lot of somewhat obscure and random dolls about but none of them have much intrinsic value and they don't take up that much space, not like the bratz, omg and rainbow highs who take up multiple boxes. THOSE are the ones I need to rationalise down to a single box if not fewer. Much like with Rainbow High, the main draw for OMG was the hair and clothing, I enjoyed the funky variation in their styles though I never really warmed to their faces. So i'll keep a couple but I think the majority need to be rehomed honestly. I'll probably steal their clothes too, they fit a fair few other dolls.

But yeah, it's a LOT of work. I'll probably do the low value stuff in bundles to make it worth my time.

Because right now a big thing stopping me from deboxing stuff is that I have nowhere to PUT the doll once I debox them. So I have a pile of doll boxes and it's stressing me.

It's like, why am I spending money on things I can't enjoy because I have no space for them?