#needoflove

It is 3am, the clock is still ticking and there were no calls, no messages. To tell you the truth, at this hour of the night, I am pretty drunk, not even sure as to what I really want… Huh, that would be a lie, well I kind of know what I want..its him…

I want him, I want him so bad that it hurts…well have never really done this before, not sure what the rules are..but again, are there any rules for love…?? 

I guess there are, cause he cut the calls by saying that I am intense and I am coming off too strongly... well maybe I did, cause again, never got the guidelines for this game. Would have played it well otherwise. I am good at games, have played the perfect one yet. Never really played the game where you make your rules and break and bend them according to your wishes.

Well technically single...I had a boyfriend of 7 years on and off. I am a confused big girl, confused about our future, that I asked for space. He denied it first then gave it to me. At first I was sad that he agreed for some reason though I was the one who asked for it. Then my friend told me, you are kind of losing a friend at the same time. That is so true! we were friends before we started our relationship. It was a friendship of many years. Anyways, I was coping with all the changes of my life with social media. Who doesn’t at this age and time right. Well my bf (or should I say ex bf) turned into my social media watcher. He accused me of ignoring him and not taking the time to actually keep in touch. Instead I was using my time to Snapchat and Facebook. I felt accused even though I knew he was right. I should of not just ignored him or avoided him but at the time(and I still feel that way) I felt that if I didn’t distance myself a bit I wouldn’t be able to figure out what I want for our relationship or even if I wanted one. Well he pushed me to my breaking point and I broke up with him instead. He wants me back and I can see that he is sad and I am the cause of that pain. 

But going back scares me, so does that mean that I don’t want him or the relationship? But thinking that I may ruin the chances of being loved so strongly by someone will never come by again? I don’t know the answer to that yet, instead I am just going with the flow and enjoying my new found freedom. It is not fair for him so I kept telling him its okay to date or move on because I didn’t want to waste his time anymore than I already have. 

I keep asking myself what in the hell am I doing with myself? Having casual flings while a man is waiting for me (even though I didn’t ask him to) and loves me hard. Do I just want to have fuck buddies and be independent or I actually yearn for affection of a relationship? Did I mention he lives in California and I only see him (if I am lucky) three times a year? I thought I loved him enough to withstand the distance or is the distance even the problem? I mean I have waited for him for 7 years for gods sakes! so the distance is not the problem but something else. 

Again I keep asking myself what in the world am I doing? Going out on these one night stands and only to be felt used. But I keep on doing it. I feel like on my personal life I am spiraling out of control and I do no know how to stop or how to. Its not like I am doing drugs (thank god!) but its just on my emotional being that I am a mess. I keep giving the power to guys to decide how I feel about myself. 

Why am I writing this here? because here I feel less judge and able to brain storm on my feelings. To some extend be able to find a bit of a solution to my thoughts and feelings. This is the only platform where I don’t have anybody watching me and questioning me. And I won’t expect a text “are you okay? whats going on?” I do not want that. I do not want to explain to them something I don’t know how to explain to myself. 

All I could think was “I want that”. I fucking want that. D almost gave me that, but I fucking need the whole package, what they have. I need to feel the love, not to wonder if I am feeling it. I need to receive love, not to question if I am receiving it. I need give love and know that what I’m giving is authentic and it’s not in vain. I need love and I want love. And I will have love, I just don’t actually know when. 

Tonight was a great lesson. It’s so easy to settle for less than we deserve. And I am constantly, inevitably, on the edge of doing that. Of pretending to want less. Tonight I had the prove that love still exist and it’s not just in my parents’ marriage: it still can exist nowadays even among people of my age. Love still does fucking exist. I should remember it. I should write it on a post-it and fucking stick it all around my room. Love does fucking exist and it’s waiting for me as I’m waiting for it. And it will come. But a thing like that, a real love as the one my friend and her boyfriend have.. the complicity, the conniving glances, the jokes, the harmony.. this is not something easy you can find as a surprise in your Happy Meal. Love is amazing and people search for it during a lifetime.. how could I expect to get it so easily?