don't you dare call it yearning

in 3x06, we see for the first time Louis actually have to contend with the fact that Claudia hated him for the things he did to her, despite the fact he has crafted his entire existence around his grief over her. it's interesting to me because deep down on some level i think Louis was always aware that Claudia resented him, but through his Dubai years and his inability to reckon with his own flaws, he suppresses this, as does talking about his memories of Claudia to Daniel throughout the show which helped him try to paint his failings in a better light and ease his conscience as he pushed most of the blame on Lestat. something i recognise is Louis' ability to accept joint failure of Claudia when it comes to both him and Lestat, in the second interview with Daniel ("she was a band-aid for a shitty marriage?" 1x04) but maintain a complete rejection of responsibility when it specifically comes to his own actions:

"she couldn't burn him." / "you cursed her into the darkness, you chose Lestat over her time and time again." / "she couldn't burn him." (1x07)

we see Louis physically run away from Daniel's truths because of how much he rejects them, which i think is a big contrast to the Loumand fight in 2x05:

"i loved her!" / "but she didn't love you! not like he did...not like i have."/ "...i know. yes!"

the only reason i don't believe that this is even still a full acceptance of how Claudia truly felt about this, is because straight after this scene, Louis walks into the sun because he "hears Claudia calling [him]" (asking him to join her) which is very much not what she wants. i think it's a repeated pattern of behaviour in Louis when it comes to Claudia to forcefully insert himself into areas of her life whether she wants him there or not, or whether it is for the best of not, as long as it means he can still appear to be the "good person" to her. in my previous post i spoke about how Louis uses indulgence as method of keeping young Claudia on his side in the household, and i think this is an extension of it.

when Claudia comes home after the fight, to find some power/respect in the household, she asks to be addressed as Louis and Lestat's sister. metaphorically, Claudia is very sympathetic in this ask due to the fact Loustat's infantilisation made her feel powerless, however, i think it is a very unrealistic ask. all family dynamics are somehow underpinned by fundamental things like birth order, subconsciously it affects most of the familial architecture. basic things like the respect/loyalty children feel they 'owe' their parents stems from the fact that they are the 'superior,' leading figures in the household in terms of birth rank. Claudia trying to cross these kind of carnal, instinctive and even evolutionary lines is simply not achievable. whether you renounce/disown them (in some cases unfortunately) a parent will always be a parent, because they should have an instinctive responsibility over their child(ren). the responsibility of a parent is different to the responsibility of a friend, partner or sibling. therefore, i always find Louis' readiness to accept that was Claudia's "brother" quite interesting.

Louis can easily go along with Claudia's whims, reduce his parental responsibilities as long as it keeps Claudia close to him and paints himself in a better light to her ahem "daughter, sister, throw-pillow." she was not intentionally saved from the fire with the purpose being a daughter (it is Lestat who first brings this suggestion) and Claudia even recognises in 1x05 that she is meant to be a stand-in for the familial female chord he is losing with Grace ("i know why they made me...to be Louis' sister.") of course Louis readily accepts this notion of raising a daughter after Lestat's suggestion, and was content with Claudia as his daughter ("you had a daughter?" / "i had a daughter." ) his ability to agree to being her brother represents the fact that there is always an under-current of self-serving interest in his relationship with Claudia, because as a parent, choosing to become a friend or sibling to your child is not a healthy or reasonable option. it confuses and complicates a very important boundary that exists from birth. if your child wishes to sever the relationship (for very valid reasons in Claudia's case) then as parent you must be willing to accept that, but not remove yourself from the role as parent. even if Claudia never needed to call upon Louis again, it is his duty as a parent to still be there for her in a parental capacity.

this unhealthy way Louis can shape-shift into whatever Claudia expects him to be is a key part of the emotional incest in their relationship. there is no sense of healthy boundaries because Louis almost always says yes to Claudia, because indulging her is most of the time in his best interest. in France, we see their relationship take on this sibling/friend dynamic (Claudia has clearly been growing even more resentful of Louis as Louis has been leaning on her emotionally more than he ever had been because he missed Lestat: "who are you outside of me?" 2x02). something to me is the scene where they discuss the "lust" Louis feels for Armand which i felt crossed the parent-child boundary.

as Lestat says in season one "[she] is a child involving herself in the romantic affairs of her parents." which is completely true. Claudia over-steps so greatly in Louis romantic/sexual life (we see this in her obsession to have Antoinette killed supposedly on Louis behalf) and i think this is because Louis entwines their identities so much because he can never maintain the boundary of patent and child so there is an element of vicariousness that enjoys Claudia in relation to Louis. as Delainey says in the After Dark, Claudia is somewhat jealous of Louis and "wants what he has" (there is connection i think here to pre-vamp Gabriella and Lestat in sense that Gabriella was confined to her womanhood and used Lestat vicariously, in the same way that Claudia is confined to her childhood and uses Louis vicariously through Louis to expose herself to feelings and experiences she feels like she can't have- e.g. the telepathic conversation during the Loustat sex scene in 1x06)

and here is what i think separates Louis and Lestat in their approach to parenthood: responsibility. i find Claudia's "he was always who he said he was" (3x06) to not only mean that Lestat was the least hypocritical parent, but that Lestat always remained her parent. even when she despised him, he refused to give in to her wish for her to be his "companion/sister" and still only ever treated/saw her as his daughter:

"it is not as simple as choosing a new family configuration, i am your maker." (1x06) / "(to Louis) you're not even my maker! that's my blood." (3x06)

i think after all of Claudia's thinking after death, she has come to accept the fact that this was always the correct the response. Lestat allowed her to hate him, he allowed her to perceive him as the kind of "bad cop" of the parental dynamic, but he never compromised on the fact that he was her parent because he knows how bad things can be when the lines between parent/child become blurred due to his history with Gabriella. he embraces the fact that he is not a very good parent, but never shirks his responsibility. even in the same scene where he tells Louis "you wanted her, you fix her" (a line which can be seen as deflecting responsibility) Lestat is still the parent to notice the scars on her arms from her failed attempt to create a fledging, and is one who tries to bring it to attention but once again, Louis is silent in this scene despite the fact he has just reassured Lestat that they are "in this together" when it comes to raising Claudia, because he knows it is much easier to make Lestat take the fall as the bad guy if it means it can unite him and Claudia: "he treats *us* like shit and you take it!" this is not entirely true. whilst Louis and Lestat have their respective faults in the relationship, at this point in the timeline (before the seven years) it is not an abusive relationship, Louis knows he is not just the "housewife" to Lestat, but he never corrects this misinterpretation of his relationship with Lestat because it keeps Claudia with him and continues the us vs. him dynamic between the unholy family that has been present since day one ("so he's the dumb one?" 1x04)

it's why the line "she looked at me at the end, like a child...looking towards her father, but i was never-" (2x08) always sticks out to me, because whilst Lestat was not a great father, he always stayed a father, but at this point in his life he truly believes that he does not deserve the role. why? because he fails to protect/save her in Paris. circling back to my first argument, inherently tied to parenthood is a different kind of responsibility. as a parent, Lestat recognises that he fails in duty to Claudia (even if she doesn't see him as her parent) and therefore deems himself unworthy to be addressed as a father. Louis on the other hand clings to this fatherly identity (once again, "i had a daughter") as a way to ironically absolve himself of the responsibility for being such a large component as to why Claudia had such a "miserable" life. Louis uses fatherhood to romanticise his treatment of Claudia and hide the darker elements to their relationship ("i loved her unconditionally") and it's interesting that we see this defence mechanism triggered during the seance.

when Claudia starts laying into him, Louis instinctively says (almost as a knee-jerk reaction) "what about the thing you should be thanking me for?" -> though it referenced Bruce, almost in effect also means means "what about what you owe me as your father? what about the life i gave you?" (i love the way Jacob Anderson breaks this down it's such a brilliant suggestion to be placed into the script.)

Louis uses fatherhood to reject responsibility for failing Claudia as to him, fatherhood almost acts as blanket 'fix-it' for all his mistakes because at least he can say, i am ultimately your dad, you exist because of me and would have no life if it was not for me.