𝐙𝐎𝐌𝐁𝐈𝐄 𝐂. 𝐁𝐈𝐑𝐓𝐇𝐃𝐀𝐘

I would like to talk about my personal experiences with the Death Note fandom, specifically on TikTok.

I enjoy Death Note, and I have enjoy participating in the fandom. However, my experience in this space has also involved repeated disrespect, harassment, and uncomfortable behavior from other people in the fandom.

I have always liked Lawmane. When I was newer to the fandom, I received hostile comments over that preference, including messages that were completely inappropriate and unacceptable. At the time, I chose not to engage with it seriously, but that does not make the behavior any less wrong.

A similar pattern happened when I became more openly attached to Beyond Birthday. BB has been an important comfort character for me, and I have spoken about him in personal contexts such as romantic. At one point, I posted about him, reality shifting, and my mental health, a vent, the post was not directed at anyone in the fandom at ALL.

Despite that, someone I will refer to as “T” left a comment implying that BB would never care about me and would harm me instead. I found that comment cruel, and strange. When I reacted negatively, it was framed as concern or “help,” but I do not consider comments like that helpful. I consider them invasive and disrespectful especially because they involved someone who I did not know, or even follow. I also believe another person in the BB side of the fandom blocked me because of that situation, despite the fact that my post was not about them either, in fact, I think they held resentment toward me the entirely of our mutuality on tiktok. It was about my own feelings and my own connection to a fictional character.

Later, I was invited into a group chat for BB fans. I will not be naming anyone, but I had only recently turned eighteen at the time, while some of the people involved were significantly older. The conversation included explicit content that made me uncomfortable. Regardless of anyone’s intent, I think that situation was inappropriate I am sharing this because I have noticed a repeated pattern in how I have been treated, especially by certain people within the BB side of the fandom. There has been gossip, indirect behavior, and a general lack of respect. I also find it telling that much of this behavior seems to happen within groups or people closely connected to one another.

As a creator, I do not think it is unreasonable to expect basic respect. I am not obligated to tolerate people speaking about me behind my back, projecting intentions or insecurities onto my posts, or treating my attachment to a character as something they are entitled to criticize or control. This is not an invitation for harassment toward anyone. I am not naming people, and I am not asking anyone to involve themselves. I'm making it clear that I am aware of how I have been treated, and I do not consider it acceptable.

People are allowed to dislike my ships, my posts, or my interpretation of a character. What they are not entitled to do is harass me, mock me, involve themselves in posts that were never about them, or make me feel unwelcome in a fandom space for enjoying fiction differently than they do. I will continue to enjoy Death Note, Lawmane, and Beyond Birthday, ETC. I am not interested in explaining myself further, or allowing other people’s discomfort to dictate what I am allowed to like.

I will continue to be passionate about Death Note, and I will continue creating work for the people who enjoy it. My priority is building a space that is comfortable for myself and for my audience. I am not interested in unnecessary drama, but I also will not remain passive when boundaries are crossed. My content being public does not mean people are entitled to disrespect me, harass me, misrepresent me, or involve themselves in matters that do not concern them.

Wammy House Boys Headcanons ♡ (Angst Edition)

1. I like to imagine the reason L has such an attachment to strawberries the fruit, goes much deeper than simply having a sweet tooth. Before Watari found him, during the last few months he spent surviving on the streets, there was a small strawberry patch behind a modest home in a poor neighborhood. Most nights, when food was scarce, he'd quietly slip through the fence and pick only enough strawberries to make it through another day/night. Even then, guilt would eat away at him. He knew the family growing them likely struggled too. So whenever he found something useful such as a gardening trowel someone had discarded, a watering can, seeds, or even gloves that had been thrown away he'd leave them near the garden as repayment. It wasn't enough to make up for taking the fruit, but to young L, it was the closest thing to saying thank you for the food.

2. L is not someone who forms attachments easily. In fact, outside of Watari, it's incredibly unlikely he'd ever become emotionally attached to another person. But if someone managed to earn that place in his life, they'd discover a side of him very few people ever see. L becomes quietly loyal. He'll naturally stay close to the person he trusts. At the same time, he'll always leave a little distance between the two of you, almost as though he's preparing for the day you'll leave. Childhood taught him that people disappear without warning, and because of that, he'd rather expect abandonment than be surprised by it. Deep down, L doesn't believe people stay forever. Instead, he simply appreciates the time they're willing to spend beside him.

3. Beyond Birthday is probably one of the loneliest children Wammy's House ever raised. Many people assume he was close with the other successors simply because they shared the same environment, but the truth is Beyond desperately wanted someone to understand him, yet almost every interaction he received revolved around expectations, evaluations, or discipline. Even praise from the staff felt distant, and conditional. He rarely heard that someone was proud of him, only that his results were satisfactory. Eventually, he stopped believing he mattered as a person. In his mind, he was simply "the replacement," someone who existed in L's shadow until he was no longer needed.

4. The heartbreaking thing about Beyond is that there absolutely was a version of him that could have become someone extraordinary. He had the ability to understand people, it could have made him an exceptional psychiatrist, therapist, lawyer, or judge. There were moments where he genuinely wanted to become a better person. But every time he began moving toward that future, his resentment pulled him back. His pride refused to let go of the title he'd been raised to chase. The Legacy Development Program had taught him that becoming L's successor was the highest achievement imaginable, and by the time he questioned that belief, it had already become part of his identity before essentially running away from wammy's house.

5. A has always been someone who notices other people's pain before his own. Whenever someone around him struggled, he instinctively stepped in to help, often neglecting his own wellbeing in the process. He convinced himself that if he could make someone else's life a little easier, perhaps his own problems wouldn't feel so heavy anymore. He never expected anything in return. In fact, many of the people he helped eventually moved on with their lives without realizing how much he'd done for them. Oddly enough, A didn't resent them for it. Knowing he'd helped someone find a happier path, even temporarily, gave him enough comfort to keep going and to push forward.

6. One of A's greatest struggles was learning that kindness shouldn't come at the cost of himself. Because he longed to feel useful and appreciated, he found it almost impossible to refuse requests, even unreasonable ones. Praise became something he quietly depended on. He once admitted this to Angelique (one of his closet friends/girlfriend) during a late-night conversation, confessing that he sometimes couldn't tell whether he was helping people because he genuinely wanted to or because he feared being forgotten if he stopped. Over time, he slowly learned healthier boundaries. He remained compassionate, but he also began recognizing that his worth wasn't determined by how much could sacrifice for everyone else.

7. Near is often misunderstood as cold or emotionless, particularly during his years at Wammy's House but Near simply learned to keep his emotions to himself because that environment rewarded composure and intellect over vulnerability. Beneath his reserved exterior is someone remarkably thoughtful. If another child needed help with homework he'd quietly help them. If someone lost a treasured toy, he'd help them search for it without expecting praise. His kindness exists in small gestures that most people never notice.

8. Although Near rarely speaks about it, he does carry guilt over how distant he sometimes appears. There are moments where he realizes someone interpreted his silence as indifference, and despite saying nothing, the misunderstanding stays with him. He often wonders whether he's accidentally hurt people simply because he doesn't express affection the way others expect. Growing up in Wammy's House and later participating in the Legacy Development Program reinforced emotional restraint as a strength. As a result, even when Near feels immense gratitude or affection, he often struggles to translate those feelings into words, leaving him frustrated with himself.

9. Mello has always been painfully aware that his emotions influence his decisions more than he'd like to admit. His rivalry with Near isn't only about intelligence, it's about recognition. Somewhere deep inside, Mello convinced himself that unless he became number one, people would never truly see him. Every accomplishment felt temporary if someone else received more praise. Every victory felt incomplete if Near remained ahead. Yet beneath the anger is himself, who desperately wanted someone to acknowledge his effort rather than his ranking. He didn't crave perfection nearly as much as he craved being enough.

10. Though very few people ever get to witness it. He writes extensively in private, filling notebooks with observations, and essays on crime, morality, and psychology. He rarely lets anyone read them except L. Deep down, he dreams of creating something people admire for its own merit rather than because his name is attached to it. He wants to leave behind ideas that matter. Ironically, his fear of not being good enough often prevents him from sharing the very work that could have earned the recognition he longed for.

11. Matt has always struck me as someone who simply learned to adapt. Before Wammy's House, I imagine he spent much of his childhood feeling overlooked and isolated, finding comfort in video games because they gave him a sense of control and companionship that reality often lacked. Then Mello came along and for perhaps the first time, Matt felt genuinely less alone in someone's life. That's why his loyalty runs so deep, it's gratitude.

Sayu Yagami x Near / Nate River Headcanons ♡

1. No because Sayu and Near are so opposites attract coded to me. Everyone would probably assume Near would date someone genius-level and emotionally distant like him, but I think he’d be drawn to someone sweet. Sayu being a little older and taller than him would make him feel comforted, and when they play-fight, she ends up on top of him, laughing because she “won,” and Near just freezes, staring up at her and quietly mumbling, “I did not account for this outcome...” And later he’s just sitting by himself and twirling his hair faster than usual because he keeps thinking about it.

2. Sayu brings out a soft side of Near, and I will stand by that. He’s still Near, but instead of acting cold or seemingly so he smiles more and lets out these tiny little laughs when she says something silly. He twirls his hair faster when she’s close to him, especially when she’s rambling about something she’s excited about. Sayu notices it too, of course. She’ll lean in with this playful little smile and go, “Near, you’re doing the hair thing again.” And he just looks down at his hand shyly before softly saying, “It seems I am..."

3. One of their cutest dates would be going to one of those custom perfume places where you can make your own scent. He ends up making something floral with a little vanilla, while Sayu makes hers with coconut, and rain. Then instead of keeping their own perfumes, they exchange them. Near just looks at her shyly before saying, “That is what I made while thinking of you.”

4. Sayu loves showing Near those cute lunchbox-making videos, especially the ones where people make tiny animals out of rice or cut sausages into little octopus shapes. Since Near is almost always sitting on the floor with his toys or puzzle pieces scattered around him, Sayu just plops down beside him and leans in close so he can see her phone. Her shoulder brushes against his, and she doesn’t even think anything of it, he tries to focus on the video, but now all he can think about is how warm she is and how close she’s sitting. Sayu will be like, “Look, isn’t this cute?” And Near, trying so sound calm as usual, "it's lovely.."

5. They would totally have matching MP3 players, Sayu’s would be decorated with little stickers, cute charms, and maybe a tiny heart drawn somewhere on the back. Near’s would be plain white no decor. Sayu adds songs for him all the time, even though he doesn’t always listen right away because he gets busy or distracted.

6. When they’re older and Near’s hair got longer, Sayu became obsessed with styling it. Like, she sees all that soft white hair and immediately thinks, “free canvas!” Near lets her do it because he trusts her, and also because he secretly likes the feeling of her fingers in his hair. She’ll sit behind him while he’s working on something that doesn’t require much movement and ask, “Can I braid it?” And he’ll just quietly nod without looking away from his puzzle. She does braids, little clips, half-up styles, and sometimes two pigtails just because she thinks it’s adorable.

7. Sayu is absolutely the reason Near remembers to eat. Like, this man would fully forget meals because he got too focused on a case or a puzzle, and Sayu would not allow that. When she’s out during the day, she texts him between 12 and 2 p.m. with little reminders like, (ご飯食べた？ちゃんと食べてね！) “Have you eaten? Make sure you eat, okay!” Or, (チキンカツ買って帰るね！食べたい？) “I’m bringing chicken katsu home! Do you want some?” Near’s replies are always simple. He’ll text back, (ありがとう。冷蔵庫を見てみます。) “Thank you. I’ll check the fridge.” Or sometimes just, (お願いします。♡) “Yes, please. ♡” And Sayu saves those messages because Near using a heart. <3

8. Sayu goes to the mall and comes back with random little gifts for Near. One day she went to Build-A-Bear and made two bears, one that looks like her and one that looks like Near, and she makes them hold hands. She also gets him a puzzle set because she knows he’ll enjoy putting it together, Then he thanks her with the softest kiss near her eyes, and Sayu just melts because Near affection is always so sincere.

9. Aquarium dates are their thing. Sayu loves them because they’re peaceful, and Near loves them because they’re calm enough that he doesn’t feel overwhelmed. Sayu always holds his hand and gently drags him from tank to tank, pointing at every fish she thinks is cute. “Near, look!” she says, pointing at two little fish swimming beside each other. “That’s us!”

L Lawliet & Light Yagami Friendship: Headcanons PART TWO!! ♡

1. One of their favorite things to do is browse old music stores together. Neither of them talked much while looking through the shelves, L almost always gravitated toward the Beatles section, Light, meanwhile, found himself drawn to artist Prince, whose music and stage presence he admired. After nearly an hour of browsing, they'd usually leave carrying three to five albums.

2. L occasionally visited Light's university purely out of curiosity and students whispered about the young man sitting strangely on the benches while reading a book. Some found him intimidating, It amused Light how people admired them for completely opposite reasons. Light for his intelligence, and reputation, while L attracted attention simply by existing and being so mysterious.

3. One afternoon, Misa invited both of them to spend the day at an amusement park. She ended up spending most of her time with L, much to Light's annoyance. While Light spent more time making sure neither of them wandered off. After several attractions, they sat down for lunch. Misa, happily devoured two corn dogs and a large soft drink, and L ate cotton candy in one hand and an ice cream cone in the other, and Light settled for a blue slushie.

4. At one point, Light genuinely attempted to introduce L to one of his classmates, hoping L might make another friend outside the investigation. The conversation lasted less than ten minutes. Later, the classmate quietly pulled Light aside and whispered, "Your friend is... really strange. He walks funny, sits funny, and he keeps sucking on his thumb. I don't think I can do this." Light couldn't help sighing. When L later asked, "Did your acquaintance dislike me?" Light simply adjusted his bag and replied, "She just wasn't interested." L nodded thoughtfully before saying, "I am aware now." Neither of them mentioned it again.

5. L strongly preferred renting out entire movie theaters rather than attending crowded public screenings while, Light appreciated the privacy, L believed snacks distracted him from analyzing the story, while Light disliked greasy fingers touching the expensive seats. Instead, once the credits rolled, they'd spend another hour discussing every detail over dinner at a nearby restaurant. Half the conversation became an accidental film analysis.

6. If someone like Maki needed reassurance, Light would patiently listen and help her organize her thoughts, explaining difficult feelings in ways she could understand. L, on the other hand offered comfort by simply remaining nearby. Together, they balanced emotional support for maki. (L change the world mentioned<3)

7. One amusing difference between them appeared whenever paperwork was involved. Light's handwriting looked elegant, every character perfectly spaced and consistent as though copied from a textbook. While L's notes, by comparison, looked very messy. His cursive leaned in different directions, letters nearly blended together, and entire sentences looked hard to read. More than once, Light had to decipher L's notes. "Ryuzaki," he'd sigh while holding up a page, "is this an 'R' or an 'N'?" L would glance over before answering, "Neither. It's a 'B.'" Light would stare at the page in disbelief.

8. Once L truly trusted Light, he eventually invited him to visit Wammy's House. Walking through the halls, L quietly explained memories of his childhood, pointing out the library where he spent countless hours reading, the nursery where he occasionally helped staff, and the classrooms where he learned. When he reached the fourth floor, there, he explained the Legacy Development Program and why it had been created after he left. Light listened carefully, growing more uncomfortable the more he learned. While he understood Watari's reasoning, he couldn't ignore how much pressure the children were placed under. "They're still children," he finally said. L looked toward the classroom door before replying softly, "Yes... I know."

I was nearly groomed in the Death Note fandom at the time I was a new fan. Here is what I remember.

When I was around fifteen or sixteen, I met someone on Instagram who was about five years older than me. I will refer to him as “Tristan.” We connected through a shared interest in roleplay and Death Note. At the time, I did not fully understand how inappropriate certain dynamics would become between a teenager and an adult online due to my naivety, but looking back now, I see the situation very differently.

As an adult, I do not believe it is appropriate to immediately start emotionally venting to a younger teenager or relying on them for support. I was still a minor, and instead of there being healthy boundaries, the connection became emotionally draining. Tristan became very attached and dependent on me, they would tell me very uncomfortable things, and at the time I sensed a bit of "romantic" tension. (I do not see it this way now.)

We mainly interacted through roleplay. For context, roleplay is usually an exchange where one person writes as one character and the other person writes as another. At the time, Tristan was involved in BeyondLaw and LawLight roleplay, and, strangely, they often positioned themselves as my roleplay “love interest,” including on my Misa account. Even though this was fictional and within roleplay, I still think the dynamic was odd, especially because I was a teenager and he was, again, an adult. (And I think this may be one of the reasons I might not feel comfortable with certain death note ships)

Over time, I felt emotionally drained by him. He became clingy, possessive, and defensive when I spoke with other people. At one point, I asked another mutual friend if they wanted to be my roleplay love interest, again, strictly in a roleplay context and Tristan reacted badly. He became defensive, replaced me with other people almost immediately, and then iced me out. Later, a friend reached out and told me more about his behavior and how problematic he had been. When I confronted him, he acted as though I was the issue instead of acknowledging the situation or taking any accountability After that, I blocked him on all accounts and never spoke to him again.

I recently found out I am an autistic woman, here is me speaking on how I feel, hoping other people could understand too.

Recently, I came to understand that I am an autistic woman. At first, it was something I treated lightly, almost like a joke but the more I looked back on my life, the more painful it became. So much started to make sense. I have always tried to be genuine with people. I have always shown up as my real self, with honesty, sincerity, and good intentions. But instead of being understood, I was often mocked, judged, or spoken about behind my back by both adults and people my own age.

What hurts the most is realizing how often I was being treated differently without fully understanding why. I did not understand why people copied others, gossiped, acted indirectly, or pretended to be kind while being cruel elsewhere. Even now, I still struggle to understand why being direct, genuine, and sincere seems so difficult for some people. For most of my life, I felt like I did not fit into the world around me. I did not always feel safe with people, even with people I wanted to trust. I often felt out of place, like I was experiencing the world differently from everyone else and constantly trying to understand rules no one ever explained to me.

Sometimes, I think about Michael Jackson and the loneliness he seemed to carry. It may sound silly to some, but sometimes I feel like if he were still here, he would understand that feeling of being deeply sensitive, misunderstood, and treated like something strange for simply existing as yourself. I am still processing all of this. But I am also learning to have more compassion for myself. I was never wrong for being sincere. I was never wrong for being different. And I do not want to keep blaming myself for the way other people chose to treat me.

What hurts even more is realizing how many of my past relationships may have taken advantage of the parts of me I used to blame myself for. I hate admitting this, but I can be naive. I am sensitive. I am empathetic. I try to understand people deeply, sometimes even when they have not earned that understanding from me. I can be childish in certain ways, not because I lack intelligence, but because I experience emotions intensely and sometimes trusted too easily. For a long time, I hated those parts of myself.

I also hate how autism is often romanticized. People talk about it like it is something cute, quirky, or their "weird girl" aesthetic, but they do not always talk about the pain of being misunderstood, manipulated, excluded, or treated like you are “too much” for simply existing the way you are. What hurts the most is that so many people in my life did not understand me. Some did not even try. And even now, when I look back and realize that autism may have been part of my experience, it feels like many people still do not care. How much loneliness, confusion, and mistreatment I carried because of it.