Cheddar Cheese

I've been kicking around a headcanon that Jon can't get drunk off of alcohol after being reborn due to his healing factor. Like Jon just woke up from a coma, his (former) best friend is dead, Daisy is missing, Basira is suspicious of him, Melanie hates him, Peter Lucas is a shit boss, Georgie wants nothing to do with him, and Martin is isolating himself from them. Jon honestly can't think of a better way to spend his evening than getting black out drunk off of vodka and chardonnay. And despite his best efforts it just doesn't work. The dizzy, disorienting fog never hits him no matter how much he drinks. His body metabolizes it too fast for the alcohol to have any effect.

The eye takes his humanity and also takes a self destructive coping mechanism with it. Great.

So Jon gives up on alcohol. No use in drinking if he can't get drunk. It's not like he's going out to any social gatherings either so his begrudging sobriety goes unnoticed. Jon wasn't much of a drinker, anyway, so whatever.

HOWEVER just because alcohol doesn't work on Jon doesn't mean he can't get drunk. He just can't get drunk off alcohol, which seems impossible for a normal person. 

Jon is no longer a normal person.

My idea is that if he reads a false statement (ones that are made up stories or just misinterpretations of what actually happened) into the tape recorder like he would a real statement, he gets pretty silly.

He can tell before reading a statement if it's true or not. It's like a spider sense in the back of his mind. Usually he doesn't bother with the false ones and just throws them in the discredited section. It's not like he has to research them anymore since he just knows.

He's not entirely sure why he decided to pick up a false statement and start reading it. Maybe he was bored, or he thought the statement was funny, or just wanted to give the eye a big "fuck you, I do what I want". Who knows. But when he finished and stood up it all hit him at once. Ohhhhh boy. This isn't the first time a statement has made him dizzy but this is 10 times worse. He had to sit back down or else he'd start swaying.

Jon spent the rest of the afternoon held up in his office pretending to be sober in front of anyone who happened to be passing by. It eventually wore off after a good nap but it did come with its version of a hangover which Jon wasn't particularly fond of.

At first my mind jumped to taxidermy. Not the typical hunting taxidermy, more like pinned bugs and snakes in preserved jars. It seemed just odd enough to fit but I'm not sure how in character it is. If he did collect taxidermy, it would have to be from his pre institute days. Post season 1 he's too paranoid that they're going to come to life or something and gets rid of em. 

"Stupid fucking job with its stupid fucking worm woman and skin related statements. Do they know how long it takes to get a collection this diverse? Do they know how expensive it is to get a pinned Luna Moth in London? No, they don't. Inconsiderate fucking..." Jon continues muttering to himself as he packs up his collection.

To be fair, he probably collects mugs. Or vinyls. He seems like the type to have an old record player considering he was raised by his grandma. Vinyls are probably the most in character all things considered. But I think the taxidermy thing is funnier.

Poll for sillies

So I'm thinking, if Jon was fending off his hunger by reading statements, what was Daisy doing? It's been a minute since I've listened to season 4 but I'm pretty sure they never mentioned Daisy doing anything to microdose like Jon was.

Me personally, I think she was geocaching. It's not exactly hunting and doesn't give the same thrill but it's still tracking something down. It's the hunt Daisy was feeding, not the slaughter so it works.

Or maybe her and Jon would do silly things to try and help each other take the edge off. Daisy would tell Jon a spooky story and then Jon would hide in the actives and Daisy would find him. Neither activities actually fed them but it was enough to not think about the urge™ for a couple hours.

Headcanon: Jonathan Sims stopped needing glasses after being reborn as the Avatar of the Eye at the beginning of season 4. But after needing glasses for 30 years it became a habit to wear them so he just kept putting them on and getting headaches and he doesn't know why.

Like Jon just finishes a statement and he takes off his glasses to rub his eyes and groan bc why does it hurt so bad behind his eyes? Why is everything so fuzzy? Does he need to go to the optometrist and get his prescription checked? Is this a symptom of the coma he just came out of? Should he go to the hospital and get checked out? How well can a hospital handle whatever shit Jon's got himself into?

And then he looks down at his finished statement and realizes that he can see perfectly fine now. He puts his glasses on. Blurry. He takes them off. Clear. He puts them back on. Blurry. He takes them back off. Clear.

“Oh fuck me.”

Pomni: *replying to a work email on their computer*.

Caine who is sitting on top of the email box: You should use an em dash here!

Pomni: Thanks Caine.

Caine: ... It seems like you're not putting an em dash.

Pomni: I will.

Caine:

Caine: You sent it without the em dash!!!

Pomni: *hits the mute button*