Welcome to the sh*tshow

As he stared out at the blue streaked void, Clone Marshall Commander Richard (CC-01-1999A) of 7 Division found himself pondering over his thirteen-and-a-half years of life so far. Had he been natural born it would have been horrifying, he mused, but alas, he was one of Jango Fett's many, many clones, and as such, the nine years of gruelling training, year of being tested and helping train other clones, and three-and-a-half years of intense combat were exactly what he was bred for. What he was not bred for, however, was falling in love with his Jedi General, Nadeera Jas'vaen.

The brilliant green Togruta had swept into his life a little over 6 months after the start of the Clone Wars, and he thanked his lucky stars that it had only been a year before they accepted their feelings for each other. He wasn't bred for being the first clone to come out in the public eye as bisexual either, an outcome the Kaminiise didn't expect, to say the least, and actively worked against. Still, the advert monetisation on the holonet from the helmet footage of him walking past Senator Burtoni, pride flag flowing behind him, before he testified to the Senate over the Vod'e's sexuality and gender orientations had more than made up for their discrimination, especially when he saw his men's joy at the gymnastics equipment he had bought with the funds.

Yes, it had been a good war, he supposed, as wars went. His division had one of the lowest casualty rates in the GAR, his General loved and supported him (as he did her), and the war was apparently over, if the news from Cody over the command chat was accurate. He had even sanctioned his troops' drinking, after all, they deserved it. After a long and bitter campaign on and over Dantooine, they were stopping off at Kuat for minor repairs, before a shore leave (and probably a victory parade, if the rumours were true) on Naboo. And of course, there was the matter of clearing the newest batch of shinies of those chips, since there hadn't been time since they arrived on the ever-efficient decks of Task Force San Carlos.

He was pulled out of his ruminations by the bridge doors opening, and as he turned to face them, a massive smile broke out on his face at the sight of his runiriduur. She matched the smile with equal intensity, but before either could verbalise a greeting, his comlink started to beep incessantly. Allowing an apologetic grin to slide into his face, he then answered, managing to school his expression into one of calm determination as he realised that it was the Chancellor's personal frequency.

"Yes sir?" He greeted.

"Commander Richard, the time has come. Execute Order 66."

Managing to keep the panic of his face, he croaked out the most convincing "Yes, My Lord" he could, and cut the call off before his mask broke.

"Richard? What was that?" Nadeera queried. A frown came over her face, as she realised that he was shaking.

"Richard?!? You're scaring me!"

He turned to her again, and bound over to embrace her.

"The end, ad'ika. The end of the Republic" he stuttered out, shaking to keep control of his body as the incessant goodsoldiersfolloworderskillthetraitorgoodsoldiersfollowordersKILLTHEJEDI rang through his head.

"What is it, Richa-AGH!" Nadeera screamed out, as hundreds, no, thousands of Force signatures flared in agony, shock, confusion, and most of all, betrayal. As she sunk to the floor, she failed to notice the clones across the bridge deck also struggling to keep control. You see, whilst the chips had been removed, thanks to the information imparted by a certain Kamino medical droid to one of 4 Brigade's medics, the orders were still in the clone's memory. There may not have been a chip releasing hormones and forcing the bridge crew to attack their General (TRAITOR), but they still had to fight the urge to pick up the nearest object and charge her.

Managing to finally calm himself down, Richard looked up, and realised with horror that a squad of shinies were marching through the comms room. Thinking quickly, he drew his pistol and shot the pressure sensor, slamming the emergency blast doors shut to preserve the atmosphere in the rest of the ship from the hull breach the ships computer now thought was occurring. He raised his comlink to his arm again, and keyed the mic for all stations on 7 Division's net.

"All callsigns, all callsigns, this is Commander Richard. As you are no doubt aware, as of two minutes ago, the Chancellor apparently ordered Contingency Order 66 to be in effect, and therefore that all Jedi are traitors to the Republic. This is, I believe, a load of osik. I have seen no such conduct from General Jas'Vaen, and as such, I am declaring this to be a false order. All ships are to immediately change course toward the Abregado system, and await further orders. Richard, out!"

He keyed for the security detail, and instructed them to stun any and all shinies, dechipped or not. As he looked up and around the bridge crew, he saw two expressions, both mirrored in his own identical face: a grim determination, and concern. Concern for their future, and concern for the Jedi whimpering in his arms as almost every friend she had had since childhood faded into the Force, the bright lights of their Force signatures winking out, and Darkness spreading over the galaxy like a thick, suffocating blanket.

there is delaware (state) and delaware (river) 

both are equally strange

the state is a tiny little cryptid thing

the rive is a monster that spans new york, pennsylvania, new jersey and delaware. also washington crossed it once and that was like kinda a big deal i guess. like crossing the rubicon in rome.

anyway i go in to see paul one week in the summer of 2016, and i’m doing my usual bullshit which consists of me talking shit about myself, and paul is staring at me, and then he cuts me off and says that he’s got a new tool for helping people recognize when they’re using negative language, and gets up and goes over to his desk

and i’m like alright hit me with that sweet sweet self-help article my man, because i’m a linguistic learner and whenever paul’s like here i have a tool for you to use it’s pretty much always an article or a book or something

paul opens a drawer, takes something out, and turns back around. i stare.

i say, paul.

is that a nerf gun.

yeah, says paul.

i say, are you gonna shoot me with a nerf gun in this professional setting.

he happily informs me that that’s really up to me, isn’t it. and sits back down. and gestures, like, go ahead, what were you saying?

and i squint suspiciously and start back up about how i’m having too much anxiety to leave the house to run errands, like it was a miracle to even get here, like i’ve forgone getting groceries for the past week and that’s so stupid, what a stupid issue, i’m an idiot, how could i–

a foam dart hits me in the leg.

i go, hey! because my therapist just shot me in the leg. paul blinks at me placidly and raises an eyebrow. i squint again.

i say, slowly, it’s– not a stupid issue, i’m not stupid, but it’s frustrating me and i don’t want it to be a problem i’m having.

no dart this time. okay. sweet.

so the rest of the hour passes with me intermittently getting nailed with tiny foam darts and then swearing and then fixing my language and, wouldn’t you know it, i start liking myself a little more by the end of the session, which is mildly infuriating because paul can tell and he’s very smug about it 

And the update

my brain, still to this day, every single time:

my brain, still to this day, every single time:

my brain, still to this day, every single time:

My brain, still to this day, every single time:

According to my mom and sister the very first thing i did upon waking up was BOLT upright and proceed to try and shove my ENTIRE fist in my mouth as fast as possible.

I had to be physically stopped, and i proceeded to sob my eyes out for the next 20 minutes. Somehow, i didnt damage anything 🤣

sorry that imagery is so vivid i just..

A man was looking around a sex store searching for a special sex toy to buy his wife so that she won’t screw around on him while he is away on a business trip for a few weeks.

After not finding anything special he asks the old man working the store.

The old man replies “Well there is this special voodoo dildo but-”

“Show me!” the man says.

The old man than takes out a box with some weird writings on it and takes off the lid revealing a regular looking dildo.

The man laughs and says “This looks exactly like every other dildo in this store! What makes this one special?”

To which the old man replies “Watch this! voodoo dick, the door” and the dildo jumps out of it’s box and starts screwing the keyhole. The entire door started to vibrate from the dildo and before the entire door would crack the old man said “voodoo dick, the box”, and the dildo went inside it’s box.

The man said “Perfect! I’ll take it!” and bought the voodoo dildo. He than went to his wife and told her whenever she was feeling horny to just say “voodoo dick, my pussy” and the dildo would satisfy her. He than went on his business trip.

After a few days the wife was feeling horny so she started thinking about people she could have sex with. That is when she remembered the dildo. So she got out the box and said “voodoo dick, my pussy” and the dildo jumped out the box and started thrusting her vagina. After three orgasms the wife decided it was enough. So she tries to get the dildo out but she couldn’t, it kept on thrusting. Turns out the husband forgot to tell her how to stop it.

Scared she quickly get’s dressed and get’s in her car to go to the hospital, with the dildo still inside her thrusting and making her her entire body shake. On the way there she experiences another orgasm and swerves into the opposite lane. A police car notices this and stops her.

When the offices asks her how much she has had to drink she replies “I haven’t officer. There is a voodoo dick inside of my pussy and I can’t get it out so I am going to the hospital right now!”