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Alright motherfuckers, so you wanna make fancy ramen?? Fancy instant ramen?? You want to feel like the ratatouille chef?

You've come to the right place.

~Fancy Instant Ramen~

The Shit You’re Gonna Need:

-pack of instant ramen

-red pepper flakes

-soy sauce

-butter

-eggs

-garlic

-brown sugar

Optional Shit You Probably Want To Add Because I Did And It Tasted Good But Don’t Feel Bad If You Don't Have It

-Rice vinegar

-spicy red pepper paste

-green onions

Shit That I Didn't Add But Would Probably Taste Good

-vegetables (i dont know like, broccoli or water chestnuts probably.)

-seaweed

-meat of some sort

ANYWAY to the cooking part

Ok first off, im gonna need you to grab some shitty wooden chopsticks. Fork? Spoon? Spatula? No, fuck that. Shitty takeout chopsticks rule here. Your god is gone. There is only shitty chopsticks.

Alright, now boil some water. How much?? What am i, wikipedia? Check the ramen instructions, asshat!! Alright, is the water boiling? No? Stop watching it.

Once the water is a roiling boil (like big fucking bubbles and you can hear it) add them noodles. Cook’em for however that package says. Yes, that means go dig the package out of the trash because you forgot how long because you are a goldfish that learned to walk and wear clothes.

Now you got some cooked noodles! Congrats! Now if only you had money and success. Drain those cooked noodles and try not to burn yourself. Put those noodles somewhere, because now its time for the ~sauce~ aka: where the magic happens.

CHOOSE WISELY:

Are you going to want

-spicy sauce?

-really spicy sauce?

-or, Oh God I’m Breathing Fire, My Sinuses Are Cleared, Everything Hurts sauce?

While you’re making that very important decision, mince some garlic. Mince only one section thingy-

Ok mince only one clove if you are a pussy and dont care much for garlic. Mince two if you are cool.

Grab some butter! Like two tablespoons, if you dont know how much that is, check the paper on the butter, if your butter doesnt have paper on it, first of all, nerd, second of all, just do about

| | that much thickness wise. Its fine, cooking is a messy art filled with estimates.

Grab a pan, kindof a big pan. When i say pan i mean,, like frying pan. Put that motherfucking heat on ~medium~ and throw the butter in there. Melt that shit. Add garlic and stir it some. Bathe in your awesomeness. Then, take those red pepper flakes, and think back to the question of spice level. Just shake it a couple times if you dont like spice that much. If you like spice, go crazy, go stupid.

Ok now get the soy sauce and brown sugar. Grab your handy dandy measuring spoons and throw in a tablespoon of soy sauce (roughly) and a teaspoon of brown sugar (roughly). Add more or less, the world is your oyster, you glorious motherfucker!!

If you read the shit you need list, you mightve noticed the second section called “Optional Shit You Probably Want To Add Because I Did And It Tasted Good But Don’t Feel Bad If You Don't Have It“. well, if you have that stuff and want to add it, do that now. For the paste stuff, just a little bit, like a little smidgen. Or more, if you like it, i have no control over what you do. A splash of rice vinegar should be enough, add more you like it or want to yada yada you control your fate blah blah blah, you know how it goes.

Alright let the sauce kinda cook for a little while, making sure not to burn the butter. To check to make sure you arent doing that, smell the pan. Does it smell like hell and smoke and burning? You done gone and did went the burnt the butter. If not, good job!

Now that the sauce has chilled for like,, three minutes, grab those noodles. Remember them? The ones you drained and cooked? Yeah, add those motherfuckers to the pan. Stir em around. Mix em up. Let the sauce and the noodles get acquainted with each other, and then have a dramatic love affair. Ok now that it got weird, push the noodles to one side, like you are a picky 8 year old and the noodles are your least favorite food.

This is where shit gets crazy. Holdonto your hats, heads and sanity.

Another question- How much you like eggs? Hate em? Love em? Married to em?

Well dont answer me, because you cant because its a hypothetical question. If you only kinda like eggs, just grab one (raw) egg from the fridge, (or live chicken). If you like eggs more than the average joe, grab two. Or three if you are a physcopath.

Now, im going to ask you something kinda crazy if youve never done it before. Crack the egg(s) directly in the pan, yes the pan with the sauce and the noodles. Just try not to put the egg(s) directly on the noodles, itll make it easier. Now take your handy dandy shitty chopsticks and scramble those eggs. Scramble the shit out of em, stir like theres no tomorrow. Add more red pepper flakes if you want.

Once the eggs are scrambled and now longer raw, you did it! You did the thing!