Okay, hereās the thing, and I think yāall missed it:
Let me use myself as an example.
I have herpes simplex 2. Thatās the one that gives you cold sores, and up to 80% of the global population has it. But, even though itās not genital herpes, if you go down on somebody during an outbreak, they can get herpes 2 in their junk. And itās nasty. The usual problem is ājustā a cold sore, but during severe outbreaksāwhich can occur if, for example, youāre on antibiotics during an outbreakāyou can develop sores on your lips, inside of your mouth, even in your throat. They break, they bleed, they ooze, it sucks. During my last major outbreak (so far my only major outbreak, thankfully) I ate nothing but lukewarm soup for a week.
So now letās say I have a new partner, and Iām in what I think might be the starting stages of an outbreak. Because I am an honest person, and feel they have the right to informed consent, Iām going to ask if they get cold sores (if the answer is yes, theyāre fine, because you canāt get herpes twice). If the answer is no, Iām going to tell them I have herpes 2, explain what that is, and suggest we cool it with the kissing and/or sexytimes until Iām not virus-shedding. And nobody has given me shit for this, ever. Iāve had a couple of people thank me for my honesty. Thatās it.
But now letās say Iām a total shitstain. I know Iām in an outbreak. And I do not tell my partner, and I go down on her. I have decided, for her, that for the rest of her life she should deal with occasional bouts of weeping sores, raw skin, and thick mucous crusts on/in/around her genitals and possibly on and in her mouth.
Iāve given her a lifelong disease. She had no chance to consent or even sayĀ āI am willing to take this risk.ā Isnāt that basically a form of rape?
So if you ask someone for an STD test and they refuse, they are hiding something and you should run. If you ask for an STD test and they say okay, or just straight-up say āI can get tested to check my viral load but you should know I have HIV,ā that person is a keeper. They will be honest with you about their health and yours. They probably have information on how to reduce your transmission risk even further, and will inform you and use that information. (Which doesnāt take the onus off you to do your own research, by the way, it just means you have a starting point.) And as noted above, if their viral load is undetectable, they canāt transmit! I wouldnāt start having regular condomless sex without guidance from a sexual health expert, but you really have very little to fear.
Donāt be afraid of the STD, or the honest person who has it. Be afraid of the person who refuses to disclose.
