Alive, unfortunately.

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I know im the problem but ALL I FUCKING WANT IS TO HAVE YOUR FULL ATTENTION AND NOT HAVE TO ASK FOR IT

Every time she says she loves me all i can think is “why would you?” I fucking hate myself so much i dont know why shes dating me. I have zero redeeming qualities, i have nothing to offer, and on top of that im absolutely disgusting and vile. I cant even look at myself without getting nauseous. Every single part of my body is gross. God i fucking hate myself.

I know the sex usually chills out farther into the relationship but i keep thinking about how i was at my skinniest when we started dating and she couldn’t keep her hands off me and now she barely ever wants to have sex and is always more interested in a book or her tv show. We used to kiss constantly but now its just a quick peck we don’t kiss like we used to. And now i cant stop thinking about how its probably because I’m 20lbs heavier and gross. She probably finds me revolting and i feel guilty even being affectionate or holding hands. Every time we’re physically touching i just want to cry because of how disgusting and obese i feel. I let myself go and this is what i get. The only way i can get back to how it was in the beginning, when she was excited to see me and thought i was beautiful, is to lose weight.