more rad than u

jesus christ luke’s such a useless twink

I like to call my chickens “beasties” or “fat little monster trucks” and other such affectionate terms, but dad seems to take offence whenever I do and always gently refers to them as “the girls,” “the ladies” and sometimes “the dames” when he’s putting them away, like he’s a butler shepherding a group of well-bred country lasses into the parlour for tea 

If I were to get married I would have to schedule it around the full moon I want her at my wedding

Stop

Let them speak

HELLO FAST CAT I AM YOUR DESIGNATED DOG FRIEND

Opponents would literally attempt to kidnap each other’s goats in an effort to upset the horse and cause them to lose the race. [x]

I have a weird derailing question. Is this the origin of the idiom about getting someone’s goat?

As a matter of fact, it is!

I just learned so much from this one post.

pestilence, war, famine and death

(via CincinnatiZoo)

half gun; half car

tank

blocked

men are the most illogical species of animals i’ve ever encountered. like u literally have sat up here and BRAGGED about how many women you’ve cheated on and even the ones that gave you another chance you cheated on again but when it happens to you that’s when it dawns on you that cheating is wrong?? men are literally some of the most egotistical beings on this planet and shit like this is common place with them. i’m literally stunned that people feel bad for him but again i’m not.

for a hot second there I thought “he” was that bearded doll thing perched on the stairs and ngl I nearly pissed myself

i’m a grower not a show-er what do this mean u might ask? means my peepee dumb small when it’s soft but when i get hard my shit bigger than your feet anyway the upside to this? no one ever expects how big i get when i’m hard it’s like “dam i ain’t even notice u got a big ass dick boy” the downside? if i get pantsed in public i immediately have to start jacking off before i pull my pants back up in order to get hard if not everyone will think i’m packing chicken nugget when in reality im not vegan but i brought the cucumber with me

why is this formatted like a poem

Because it is one