A Lady of Three Outs

me: yeah, i posted on tumblr

publisher: .........tumblr?

me: that's where the gays are.

publisher: And what is your marketing strategy on... tumblr?

me: idk, i shitpost at 2am?

publisher: .....and it works?

me: depends on what the gays find funny at that point in time.

publisher: Could I have a link to your tumblr?

me: .......absolutely not.

publisher: I've been looking into tumblr, have you thought of using Blaze to promote your book?

me: NO

publisher: But it seems like an efficient way to get this in front of more eyes-

me: people on tumblr hate Blaze.

publisher: There is no algorithm and you can't pay to promote a post? I don't understand how anyone advertises anything on tumblr.

me: That's the best part. They don't. They can't.

(trying to make him understand that we do not control the attention. We just have to show something shiny and gay enough and if people are interested, they'll reblog.)

This is Cosmos, my publisher's dog.

He barks at my publisher's phone notifications. So every time a book is sold, Cosmos barks.

It's been days.

I think you guys would love to know that when you buy a book, a dog barks in Vancouver, Canada.

found this in one of the news articles

So the owner’s name was Dean Ripa, and he died in May 2017. His wife, Regina Ripa, was found to be unable to distinguish right from wrong at the time of the murder, was ruled not guilty by reason of insanity, and was committed to a psychiatric care facility instead of being convicted. In real life, this is an extremely rare ruling, and from what I read, she had a history of instability where she suffered from delusions and paranoia. When law enforcement had come out to the residence earlier that day because of a call she made, Dean, her husband, did in fact tell the officers she was genuinely unwell and needed to take her medication.

Their child was, at the time, three, and was unharmed in the incident. As the child was the rightful owner of Dean Ripa’s estate, the Serpentarium was unable to remain open legally. Being a child, they were unable to legally hold the necessary permits for the snakes their father had on the premises. A family friend had attempted to keep it going, but it looks like it was legally too complicated.

There was an article written about the site and Dean Ripa himself in the Oxford American that was posted posthumously. It provides a lot of detail and background on Dean Ripa, who was, to put it mildly, an intense man.

Back when I worked at the hospital, I had to take MRI training and it was my favorite thing every time. It was only like 10 minutes long and went a little something like this:

Hey. The MRI is basically a really big magnet and by basically I mean it is and we literally never turn it off. It's like really big. Really really big and powerful and The Magnet is always on. We don't turn it off Ever, for any reason. We mean it bro, The Magnet is literally always on. It's crazy strong and will definitely kill you. So don't bring any metal into the MRI room, man. You will fuck up the machine (because The Magnet is always on) and then you will die (again, because The Magnet is always on). Here's some fun questions for you to test your understanding!

1) The ______ is always on.

2) The Magnet is ______ on.

3) How often is The Magnet on?

4) The Magnet is always __.

5) The Magnet is always on. T/F

6) The Magnet is usually on but we know to turn it off for you because you're a very special boy :) T/F

7) My weak fleshy body can survive the wrath of The Magnet. T/F

8) Look at this 500 lbs steel hospital bed, which The Magnet has crumpled into an origami crane. Imagine if that was you.

9) Is The Magnet ever off?

10) Sometimes we turn The Magnet off. T/F

Thank you for taking MRI training. We hope you learned that The Magnet is always on, because it is. It's on Right Now and it will be on every time you come to the MRI. Have fun and remember: The Magnet is always on!